The funniest pictures and jokes about tankers
We have selected funny jokes and pictures with captions for you for Tankman's Day.
You can also prank your tanker with a cool audio greeting that will be delivered at any scheduled time. Tank exercises are underway. Commander - on the radio: - First! Let's go! The first tank took off... - The second! Let's go! The second tank took off... - Third! Let's go! The third one is standing. Suddenly a tanker with wild eyes jumps out of the third tank and says: “And the hat is talking!”
Tankers in the middle of the forest, swearing terribly, pull on the caterpillar. Suddenly the Forest Fairy appears and asks: -Tankers, tankers, what are you doing? -We're fucking! -Do you want to have real sex, with taste? - Well, of course we want! The Fairy waved her magic wand, and the tank’s turret fell off...
The tank commander asks the crew members a question: “What is the main thing in a tank?” “A weapon,” one answers. “Armor,” says the second. “Caterpillars,” reports the third. - Well, comrade soldiers, the main thing in a tank is not to mess up!
The commander - to the young tank crews: - The tank reaches speeds of up to 80 km/h, and then loses control... - And what should the crew do? - It’s okay, move on, you’re in a tank!
- Maruska, where did you tear your stockings? — It got caught on the tank. — For which tank? - Yes, on uniform.
A guy comes to a tattoo parlor. They ask him: “What are we going to beat?” - TANK all over my back! 20 minutes pass, the master says: “Done!” - So fast? - What is there - only 4 letters!
“The Americans are offering us help in disarmament,” the president says to the defense minister. - Which one, Comrade President? — They are offering to send some of the tanks to them for melting down. “Tanks,” the minister frowns with displeasure. “Or maybe missiles would be better, otherwise we need to transport tanks.” . .
The registration process is underway and the girl asks the pensioner: -Have you been abroad? -Yes. -Where? In Prague, Dresden, Berlin. Oh, probably a bus tour... Not on a tank in the 45th.
Exam at the military department. Summer, excellent weather, the entire examination committee was terribly exhausted, someone was looking out the open window, someone was dozing unnoticed. A student comes out to answer something about a tank, who has never seen it alive, even from afar, but only on TV at a parade (and that’s not a fact). For this occasion, they have already hung up some kind of diagram depicting the structure of the tank. The student takes a pointer and, turning to the half-asleep commission, begins to answer the ticket, poking the diagram with the pointer: “This is the tank’s turret, this is the tank’s tracks, and this is the tank’s clitoris.” The commission was shocked, all in one voice, turning to the diagram: “Where?!?!?!?!?!” The student meant ground clearance, the gap between the bottom and the ground.
Classes in the military department are underway. The major tells the students: - Comrade students! Congratulations - our military technicians have created the newest tank! It can withstand temperatures from +300 degrees to -300 degrees Celsius! - Comrade Major, how can this be - they explained to us at school that -273 Celsius is the lowest possible temperature - the limit in nature! - Well, at your school they might not even know about our TANK!
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An elderly major is giving a lecture at a tank school: “Comrade cadets, a tank has only three types of obstacles: these are hollows, hollows, and you, dumbass...
Vasily Ivanovich and Petka bought a tank. A few kilometers short of reaching the unit, the tank broke down. Vasily Ivanovich took something off, twirled it and came to the conclusion that the tools were not enough. He sends Petka to the unit to get an instrument and, given Petka’s illiteracy, gives him a note with the following text: Anka. Give Petka a spin. Only in the evening does Petka return, all tortured, without any pain. V.I.: - Where is the rotation? P.: - I don’t know anything, here’s a note from Anka: uv. Vasily Ivanovich! She couldn’t give Petka a colo gate, she gave her a colo bath.
- Comrade Sergeant, the caterpillar has fallen off our tank! - Don’t be greedy, let the sparrows peck.
A pilot, a tanker and a taxi driver are arguing about whose profession is better. Pilot: — When I fly up to the airfield, my wife can already hear it. I come home - dinner is on the table, the bed is dismantled. Tank driver: — When I enter the city, my wife hears. I arrive - the bathhouse is heated, vodka is on the table. Taxi driver: - And I leave the car a block away, take a tire iron, sneak up... And not a single bastard has ever left unscathed!
My uncle is an avid hunter and served in Germany after the war. He went on vacation just in the fall season. the ducks are starting to flock, my soul demands hunting) I agreed with the local burghers that they would go hunting together (I haven’t left yet). We came to the shore of the lake, morning, the sun was just rising, silence, steam from the water, we sat down along the edge in the reeds, quacking, waiting for an answer. Here they hear the roar of an engine and the clanging of tracks. A T-34 climbs out to the opposite bank, picks up a flock and shoots at the flock with a cannon. The guy only had time to get scared and put on his raincoat when it started raining shots. I went to showdown with the tankers, and it turned out that the authorities wanted the bird and they filled the tank shell with shot all night, just to please the authorities.
- Grandfather, grandfather, is it true that during the war you stopped a whole dozen German tanks on the way to Moscow with your bare hands? -Well... How did you stop?... Did you underfill...
Two men are talking: “I heard that Lithuania and Latvia did not host Alexandrov’s military orchestra - they are afraid that they will be conquered!” - But Estonia said that it would accept it and it is not afraid of musicians. - Do you know why? - No. “Well, they rented three tanks from Poland, but you can only kill one tank with a trombone.”
Stirlitz had two tanks - he rode them in turns. — The line was indignant, but did not disperse.
At the recruiting station, a seasoned general examines the recruit: - Right and left on the enemy infantryman. What will you do? - Well, I take out a machine gun and kill. - Great. And if there are two enemies on the right, left, and a tank in front, what will you do? — I take out a machine gun, kill the enemies, take out a grenade, throw it at the tank. - Great. And if there are ten enemies on the right and left, three tanks in front, two helicopters surrounding you in the back, what will you do? - Comrade General, tell me honestly, am I going to serve alone?!
"Armata" is a unique tank. I haven’t fired a single shot yet, and there are already so many shell-shocked people all over the world.
In the madhouse they play war. One patient hits another on the top of the head with a stick. The frightened doctor shouts: “Are you hurt?” - No. I'm in a tank.
There is a war, there is a battle going on, the soldier is running out of cartridges, he runs up to the commander: - Commander, the cartridges are out, what to do, the enemies are advancing!!! “Improvise soldiers,” the commander answers. Well, he runs at the enemies, yells “Tra ta ta ta ta ta ta, Buh, thousand” - in general, he improvises. Then a tank drives up to him, pushes the muzzle right into his face, the poor soldier hardly pees in his pants: “well, that’s it, it’s over,” and from the tank comes the voice “Damn”
The ensign shows the soldiers a new tank: “In front of you is a combat vehicle, equipped with the latest technology.” There is a computer installed on board... - Comrade warrant officer, what is the speed of the computer? - asks one soldier. — For those who are clueless, I’ll explain: the computer moves at the speed of a tank!
One day an ant wakes up under a tank and thinks: “Ugh, Lord, why can’t you drag it home when you’re drunk.”
A Jewish soldier chases a Palestinian terrorist through the desert in a tank. Naturally, he shoots back... Suddenly he stops shooting. The Jew asks: “Why aren’t you shooting?” - Wow! Ara, we're out of ammo! - So I can sell...
Where can I get a license to drive a tank and armored personnel carrier? - Lord, ride like that! Who will stop you?!
Today the boss urgently calls our system administrator to his office. He comes in and a few minutes later flies out of there screaming to the entire floor: “He’s completely crazy!” His tanks are slowing down!
Chinese anti-tank platoon numbering 3,000 people. consists of 3 departments of 1000 people each. The squad's task is to dismantle the enemy tank into pieces before it fires.
- Tank driver Ivanov! Where should you start cleaning the tank? - From checking the serial number, comrade commander! - Didn't understand?! - WHY would I clean someone else’s tank?
Walking along Friedrichstrasse, Stirlitz saw soldiers putting a tank on its back. “Poor Pastor Schlag...” thought Stirlitz.
The old man caught a goldfish, she begged and said to the grandfather: “Let me go, grandfather, I will fulfill any of your wishes...” “I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union!”.. And the grandfather was left alone with two grenades against five tanks...
At the tankodrome, the commander of a tank company expressed his opinion to the commander of a tank platoon about his driver, whose driving of the tank they observed: - Fast as lightning, isn’t it, Lieutenant? “Yes,” the platoon commander agreed, “and he hits the trees the same way all the time.”
- Private Sidorchuk, come on, get off the tank and zip up your fly! - How many times do I have to tell you - the barrel of a tank is cleaned with a cleaning rod!
The tanker is asked: “Why does your dog only wag its tail up and down?” - This is our crew's dog. And you know how cramped it is in a tank.
— Is it true that the Germans were defeated near Moscow because of pedantry? - Not certainly in that way. The Germans have a more complex and longer language. For example, the phrase: “We need to shoot at this tank” is translated as “Dieser Panzer muss angesсhossen werden,” and the Russian soldiers shouted briefly: “F*ck!”
American to Russian: “I can imagine how you are having lunch: an oak table, on the table there is a bottle of vodka, black bread, herring, onions, porridge, dumplings.” There is a machine gun under the table. On the wall there is a balalaika and a budenovka. There is a tank in the yard and a bear on the porch. Russian: - What nonsense?! Why one bottle of vodka?!
In the army: - Did you hear? Yesterday the tank crews almost killed their cook! - For what? - Just before the attack, the bastard made them pea soup!
Psychologist: - And you try to diversify your sex life with your husband. For example, dress up as his favorite character from online games. Patient: - Well, where can I get a tank suit?!
The Jew has served for a couple of weeks and asks for leave. “You can’t,” they tell him, “perform some kind of feat!” — And if I bring an Arab tank, will it work? - asks. “The tank is good,” they answer. The next morning the Jew brings in an Arab tank. Without talking, they issue him vacation documents - go, they say. But then someone asked: “How did you manage to drive the tank?” “It’s very simple: I got on a tank, went to the Arabs and shouted: “Whoever wants to go on vacation, let’s exchange cars!”
A woman is like a grenade - safe as long as she has a ring. A man is like a tank - where the gun points, the turret goes.
Four Lithuanian tank crews and Bobiks drained the diesel fuel from the tank, sold it and got drunk to the point of snot. Never before has the country been as defenseless as on this night.
It turns out that Yarosh and Saakashvili, or rather actors with the same surnames, starred together in the old film “Four Tankmen and a Dog.” Coincidence? Of course it’s a coincidence... Either the world is really a matrix with a limited database, or the Lord is subtly trolling us.
It's good that we can make good tanks and bad cars. Because if we made bad tanks, then good cars would have been produced on our territory for more than 60 years, though not Ladas and Volgas, but BMWs, Opels, Audis... Glory to the Soviet TANKOPROM!
They ask a German: “What kind of car do you drive to the store?” — On a BMW — And abroad? - Well, going abroad in a Mercedes. They ask the French: - What car do you drive to the store? - to Renault! - And abroad? — Abroad in a Peugeot! Then they ask the Soviet: “What car do you drive to the store?” - By trolleybus! - And abroad? - We don’t go abroad! - Well, what if necessary? - We don’t need it! - Well, what if V-O-O-O-O-T is necessary? - We don’t need it! - Well, what if V-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-T is so up to your neck? - Well, if V-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-T is so up to your neck, then on a tank!
- Why are these unfortunate women mourning? — Their husbands are tank drivers. — Are they fighting somewhere? - Yes. On the Internet on tanks.
- Fit for tank forces! - Comrade military commissar, I’m tall, right? - It’s okay, they’ll cut it off there...
Fighter! We need to destroy the enemy tank! - I’ll be there in a minute, comrade commander! — You won’t get any MiGs. Let's better "fly"!
- Look, son, what a hedgehog I brought you. - Dad, there are tanks coming. Go put it back.
A young tank lieutenant, returning from vacation, climbs into the tank and commands: - Distribute!...Undress!...Pour!...Ugh! Start it up!
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