Jokes about medicine and doctors. The funniest jokes

Medicine. Is humor appropriate in this area?

Despite the fact that a lot of “medical” humor is black, you can’t live without it anywhere. And in medicine as well. The funniest jokes about hospitals, doctors and their patients come from the realm of black humor, but they by no means leave an unpleasant aftertaste. The most common “dark” joke is undoubtedly the joke about pathologists, namely: “The autopsy showed that the patient died from the autopsy.” But the set of funny sayings is not limited to this. And we will begin our review of the funniest jokes in the field of medicine with jokes that are most common among doctors themselves.

Cool statuses about medicine. I love statuses.

The operation was successful. It’s a pity that the patient doesn’t know about this...

“The white coat is the armor of the knight of medicine. It symbolizes purity of thoughts, fidelity to duty, readiness to undertake a feat.”

If the temperature is above room temperature, that's good!

Jokes and anecdotes among medical staff

Of course, we cannot fit all the anecdotes and aphorisms of doctors into one short article, but we will try to give out a selection of the most “hardened” ones. So, how do our doctors joke?

The voice of a flight attendant on board the airliner, addressing passengers: “Is there a doctor among you?” To which some lonely, sluggish voice answers her: “Look in the wrong place. In economy class, ask..."

***

When undergoing fluorography, the doctor asks: “Where is your policy?” The girl replies: “I forgot it at home.” “Well then, dear, the pictures will be black and white...”

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Laughter will be much more contagious if you make a tuberculosis person laugh properly...

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The location of the enema cannot be changed...

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Advice from an experienced pulmonologist to a smoker who came for an examination: “You should learn, my friend, to smoke with your anus.” The smoker indignantly: “Why is that?” “Yes, because colon cancer is now curable, but lung cancer, alas, is not always…”

Sometimes doctors' jokes are even more alarming. For example, each of them agrees with the following set of statements, and especially the last one. After graduating from medical school, anyone agrees that they now:

Knows why you need to wash your hands and always washes them.
He knows that he will certainly die someday and that he must come to terms with it.
Knows where children come from.
I am sure that from now on nothing can spoil his appetite anymore.
He is deathly afraid of any doctors, and especially those who studied in the same course with him.

*** The highest title in medicine is not an honored or people’s doctor, but a doctor from God. *** A doctor is a person who takes an unknown substance and injects it into an unknown being. *** The doctor gives a bottle of pills to the patient: “You shouldn’t drink these. Just pour them on the floor three times a day, and then pick them up one at a time.” *** If you talked to a doctor and you didn’t feel better, then he’s a bad doctor. *** A good doctor is a one-piece product. *** Doctor, I have such a problem... “well, well, my dear, tell me in more detail, just briefly, please!” *** Doctor, I have two problems. My hands are shaking and my memory is bad and my hands are shaking. *** Advertisement on the door of a general practitioner: “I’m trading my medical experience for money!” *** The doctor treats the body, the veterinarian treats the soul. *** God forbid you have such a proctologist who immerses himself in his work... headlong!))) *** How many heads have surgeons operated on - and they didn’t see any intelligence in any of them! *** The main medical secret is medical errors. *** The most wonderful doctor is nature, if only because she cures three-quarters of all diseases and never speaks ill of her colleagues. *** The later the ambulance arrives, the more accurate its diagnosis. *** - Patient, why are you even yelling? I haven’t even had time to touch your sore tooth yet! - Doctor, damn it, you pinched my balls with your elbow! *** It is enough to look through a textbook on medicine, for example, a practical course on surgery, to understand whether you are a doctor or not. *** If a doctor at a clinic clearly wrote down a diagnosis and medical history, then it’s worth thinking about whether he is a doctor... *** It seems that all patients want to see their doctor always drunk, and his children - sick with diabetes. *** The gynecologist is looking for problems where others are looking for pleasure))) *** - Patient, get ready, now it will hurt... Are you prepared? From you 50 thousand!... *** The most bored spectators of striptease are gynecologists))) *** Blood and urine - everything for the doctor!!! *** Doctors are having a hard time now - patients have watched all the seasons of Dr. House and are talking nonsense.)) *** No doctor is as concerned about a patient’s rapid pulse as a pathologist. *** For a long time, doctors have tried all medicines on themselves. This is why tinctures and balms are made with alcohol. *** There are three types of doctors: Aibolit, Petty Dirty Man and Serial Killer... *** “Be strong!” - said the doctor, and prescribed “Purgen” *** New promotion for pediatricians! Bring a healthy child to the appointment and take the sick person home... *** A doctor’s robe without pockets is a negligent attitude towards money. *** Doctors cannot prolong life, but they can prolong illness. *** A doctor and a teacher are more than a profession... there must also be a Vocation... A scientist and a creative person - for them, in addition to knowledge, they also need abilities, or better yet Talent... *** An experienced patient goes to a doctor in order to confirm his guesses about the disease... *** Doctor! I just can’t go to the toilet... The main thing is optimism! If you can’t go to the toilet, go to the theater or an exhibition! *** The gynecologist loved his work so much that he often threw himself into it. *** The doctor examines the patient and shakes his head: - For some reason I don’t like you... - And you, doctor, are not so handsome... *** The amount of work a doctor does is an indicator of the stupidity of patients))) *** So as not to admit their negligence, the doctors claimed that the patient died because he did not send a message to 10 friends and broke the chain. *** Don’t worry, I’m a professional,” the therapist said and wrote “Diagnosis: Evil Eye” in my medical record. *** Dental services are not for everyone. *** General anesthesia is when the entire surgical team falls asleep together with the patient))))) *** No matter how much you feed the gynecologist, he still looks there. *** - I see that you are, in principle, a positive person, and Wasserman’s reaction confirms this well... *** A group of doctors who do not take bribes is offering candy, flowers, champagne, chocolates and much more at wholesale prices by March 8th. *** Big request! Students who study in med. Universities, please study!!! *** When going into medicine, think about whether you can work for days without rest, nights without sleep, listen to the pleas and groans of the sick, see wounds and blood, endure unpleasant odors, meekly endure the reproaches of the incurable, and often feel an inexorable force coming from your hands snatches a person's life. If you can, good luck to you! *** All illnesses are nothing if you sleep next to a doctor! *** Surgeons believe that a person’s inner world is best. *** Every time they raise a lot of money for someone’s treatment, you want to look into the eyes of those doctors who treat for that kind of money. *** Most often, “gratitude” from the patient does not even cover compensation for moral damage. *** Medical confidentiality is what a doctor thinks about when he picks up a calculator. *** The operation is in progress. The doctor uses a scalpel. From under the table there is a sound: “Meow!” doctor: “Shoot!” "Meow!" - “Scram!” "Meow!" - “Oh, fuck, choke!” *** For money in any country you will be cured! But let them heal a person from the heart - for free! Then this is a doctor from God! *** - Edward, you are a plastic surgeon. Tell me a joke about doctors! - What kind of jokes are there, you can’t swing an ax like that in a day, you don’t have the strength! *** An excellent student will be a good doctor, and a C student will be a chief physician. *** If Hippocrates knew that a doctor’s salary would be 5600, he would not have sworn at all... *** - Doctor, I can no longer withstand this diet. Imagine, yesterday I almost bit off my husband’s ear. - It's OK. As a snack you can. Just think, only forty calories. *** In this country, calling the Queen of Spades is much easier than calling a doctor.) *** Medical error is when the patient recovered faster than he paid. *** A gynecologist is easy to recognize among doctors - his watch is buttoned at elbow level. *** Mom, why does our dad work as a dentist? Well, because it's a respected profession. And why? Well, they pay well for it. And why? Yes, because your dad is a SADIST! *** The main thing for the patient is timely care from a doctor. *** The dentist’s motto: “Every mouth smells only like money!” *** Surgeon, speaking at a banquet: - We doctors have many enemies in this world... Voice from the table: - And even more in that world! *** Every time you get sick, you begin to trust the pharmacist more than the doctor! *** Doctors’ wishes for the New Year do not come true - Santa Claus cannot read their letters... *** The doctor prescribed a course of treatment for depression: “Apply your beloved man to the affected area at night”!!! *** After graduating from medical school, I began to be afraid of doctors... especially, bitch, my fellow students. *** In the questionnaire that I filled out before the operation, there was a question: who to call in case of emergency... I wrote: a more qualified surgeon. *** A dentist turns to a patient sitting in a chair: “As soon as I start drilling your tooth, please scream louder.” - For what? “There’s a whole crowd of patients waiting in the waiting room, and in ten minutes the football cup match starts. *** Doctors treat the disease, not the patient! They deal with the effect and do not pay attention to the causes. *** The patient behaved badly, for which he was operated on a second time... *** Doctors who “don’t hurt” are a speech therapist and a pathologist. *** I wonder if the gynecologist’s wife is jealous? *** A diagnosis is not a death sentence, but it is already a commercial offer. *** Let's say a huge THANK YOU! to those doctors who save the lives of millions of people all over the planet))) especially in severe cases) *** Everyone knows how to cure a cold, except your doctor *** Pregnant woman on ultrasound: - Who do I have? Well, at least tell me approximately! Doctor: - About a boy or a girl! *** Doctor on a five-minute appointment: - Despite all our efforts, the patient remained alive... *** It’s scary when some of the white coat wearers try to give us white slippers... *** I was examined at a paid clinic and it turned out that I had a lot expensive diseases. But then I recovered very quickly, as soon as the doctors found out that I had no money. *** Trick or treat? - the doctor asked him before the operation... *** Doctor, if you cure me of Internet addiction, I will add you as a friend! *** If the patient does not feel better after talking with the doctor, then this is not a doctor. *** In the operating room: - Doctor, it hurts! - Quiet! We have an exam!!! *** Longing for love, the soul is on fire... all this fades... when a toothache just hurts! *** Or in the Hippocratic Oath, or somewhere else, but doctors definitely have a commandment: “If you treat yourself, let someone else treat you”... *** The doctor’s sign on the door: “I don’t DRINK sweets and chocolates!” *** — Doctor, what can you say about the results of my tests? “The virus database has been successfully updated,” the venereologist answers. *** - DOCTORS FROM GOD are people who INSERT God into the soul, and do not SEND the soul to God. Aphorisms, sayings about doctors

Jokes about the doctors themselves

Let's start reviewing jokes about doctors who walk among the wider public. They are not always flattering, but doctors are unlikely to be offended by this. Rather, they will happily laugh at them along with everyone else.

The sister suddenly begins to scream heart-rendingly: “Doctor, oh horror! We lost him...” To which the doctor calmly and calmly pats her on the shoulder: “You shouldn’t be so upset about this. Look around, we have a whole room of them here!”

***

After work, a pathologist and a gynecologist come out from the depths of their offices into the street and, stopping at the threshold of the clinic, breathe in the fresh air and look around. The pathologist says: “How wonderful it is here! There are people everywhere! Living people! To which the gynecologist adds: “And faces! Faces!

***

It turns out that traumatologists also have an off-season. This is a quiet time in which the motorcyclists have already ended, but the snowboarders have not yet begun. And vice versa.

***

In the middle of the sidewalk at the height of the day, a man falls to the ground. A woman leans over him and starts calling for the doctor. “I’m a doctor,” one of the passersby replies, “what’s wrong with you?” “I think he’s having a heart attack!” - the woman answers. “Well then, I’ll wait for him in my office,” the doctor says calmly and gets ready to leave. The woman is indignant at him: “Like in your office? He’s dying!” To which the doctor throws over his shoulder: “Well, yes. And I am a pathologist..."

Statements about free healthcare

Jokes about free healthcare in general deserve a separate section. Yes, in our country medicine is free. But as the famous aphorism says, it is free only until you get sick. This is where all the “free stuff” ends. Hence the set of following statements.

We have free medicine, but not treatment.

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Well, do you want to be treated for free or do you still want to live?

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There was general anesthesia, and the surgeon was local... Free...

Poor patients...

The range of jokes about medicine is not limited to doctors. Patients deserve attention too. Here's your order.

The clinic is nothing more than an accelerated course in the exchange of experience between patients.

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My son comes up to his mother and asks: “Mom, mom, what is “sclerosis”?” The mother turns, looks at him and says: “What did you ask me just now?” Sonny: “When?”

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“You started smoking too much!”

“So what of it?”

“Yes, smoking kills. It says on the package, read it!”

"So what? What, the ancient Egyptians didn't smoke? Everyone died out anyway!..”

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If a woman tries on glasses, it means that she has already grown to the point where curiosity has begun to overpower vanity.

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The patient began to recover... but never got there.

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The patient was in dire need of doctor's care. Moreover, the further he went, the better the patient would feel...

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If only everyone would behave as politely everywhere as they do in line at the dentist’s office...

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Calling an ambulance at three in the morning: “Hello, is this an ambulance?!” Come quickly, our boy swallowed a corkscrew!” Ten minutes later the call came again: “Hello, ambulance? Cancel the call. We found a spare corkscrew, everything is fine!”

***

The nurse saw a man flying out of the doctor’s waiting room like a bullet, frantically trying to open the door to the corridor in the opposite direction. “Dear, what happened?” – she asked. The patient shouted: “They said: don’t worry, surgery for appendicitis is the easiest and there’s nothing to be afraid of!” The nurse is perplexed: “But it’s true!” A patient with eyes widened with fear: “It’s true, it’s true, only they explained it not to me, but to a young surgical trainee!..”

Funny aphorisms, sayings, humor about health, doctors and medicine. Black medical humor

Alcohol in small doses is harmless in any quantity. (author of the aphorism: Mikhail Zhvanetsky)

And how many nurses have I brought back to life!.. (author of humor: Vladimir Vishnevsky)

Toothless people don’t need “Orbit” - they make do with “Dirol.” (author: Georgy Alexandrov)

Medicine is free, but not treatment.

The patient began to recover. But I didn’t get there.

The patient needs the care of a doctor. And the further the doctor goes, the better.

Patients take what is prescribed, healthy people take what is advertised. (quote author: V. Sumbatov)

Quit smoking, start skiing and instead of cancer you will get a hernia. (author of humor: unknown)

There are people who get better from one type of medication. (author: M. Montaigne)

The great advantage of a doctor is that he is not obliged to follow his own advice.

I looked at myself from the outside, and then spent a long time being treated by an ophthalmologist... (author of the statement: Vladimir Semyonov)

The possibilities of medicine are limited to a specific doctor!

The inner world of a person is best revealed on the operating table. (author: medical humor)

Doctor to patient: “Unfortunately, you came to me too late. You have already been born and now, sooner or later, you will have to die.” (quote author: Valery Afonchenko)

Doctor: “Well? Will we treat him or let him live?” (author: medical humor)

Doctors are surprised how patients are still alive with this treatment. Patients are surprised how doctors are still alive with such salaries.

Doctors took to the streets to protest. The authorities cannot understand what the doctors want because no one can make out what exactly is written on the banners.

The doctor does not have to believe in medicine - the patient believes in it for both. (author of humor: Georges Elgozy)

Time is a good doctor, but a bad cosmetologist.

Time heals, don’t waste it in queues to see doctors. (author of humor: Valery Afonchenko)

It’s unlikely that we will need a sick leave for ingestion of the “capital” or another similar one... (author of humor: Vladimir Andreev)

Everything is in the hands of man. Therefore, they need to be washed as often as possible. (author of the statement: Stanislav Jerzy Lec)

Autopsy is the most precise area of our medicine. (author: medical humor)

The autopsy showed that the patient was sleeping! (dark humor)

When I was young, I had to take off my clothes every time I visited the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue. (author of humor: F. G. Ranevskaya)

In the fight for public health, statistics have achieved the greatest success.

Gynecological observation: the efforts of the prophets are fruitless, because history develops in a spiral... (author of humor: Shenderovich)

More on the topic: Dark humor, jokes, jokes about diet - look at your weight with a smile (not for the faint of heart) Cool and funny sayings, phrases, quotes, aphorisms about diet

A dentist is a magician who, by inserting metal into your mouth, removes coins from your pocket.

A double medical error is when the pathologist makes the same mistake as the doctor.

Diagnostics has achieved such success that there are practically no healthy people left.

Nutritionists say: your illnesses are at the bottom of the plate. Hence the moral - eat straight from the pan!

For Russia, the only cure for vodka is beer. (author of the statement: Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy)

Doctors are those who prescribe drugs they know little about, to treat diseases they know even less about, in people about whom they know nothing at all. (quote author: Voltaire)

The only thing more expensive than treatment is a funeral. (author of black humor: V. Sumbatov)

The only man who cannot live without women is a gynecologist. (author of humor: A. Schopenhauer)

If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless. (author of humor: Faina Ranevskaya)

If they invent a cure, they will invent a disease.

If you pay the doctor regularly, the disease can become chronic. (author of humor: unknown)

If you were accepted into an institute without exams, then it is the Sklifosovsky Institute.

If your wife moves to another room at night, then you snore moderately. However, if your neighbors unexpectedly leave you, this is a serious matter...

If your health seems to be improving, it may be because your doctor is starting to get sick.

If you think time is the best healer, then you've never sat in a doctor's waiting room.

If you take medications prescribed by your doctor, your cold will go away completely within two weeks. If you don’t take it, after fourteen days. (author of humor: unknown)

If you combine eroticism with mathematics, you get something medical and hygienic. (author: Theodore Van Geren)

If doctors have nurses, then why don’t they have other relatives? For example: medical aunt, medical grandmother, medical nephew?...

There are two types of adhesive tape: the one that cannot be stuck on and the one that cannot be removed. (author of humor: unknown)

This is how much health it takes to go to hospitals!

Constipation is when you need to make an effort on yourself in order to do something under yourself. (author of humor: unknown)

If a person wants it, he will die without treatment, but if he wants it, he will recover with treatment. (quote author: N.V. Gogol)

We will be paying for paid medical care for a long time.

Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.

Health is when everything hurts, but you still have the strength not to go to the doctor!!!

Health is when you go to the pharmacy only for contraceptives. (author: unknown)

Health is excellent - thanks to Stolichnaya!

A healthy spirit in a healthy body attracts him to someone else's bed. (author: Igor Mironovich Guberman)

Other patients need not so much medicine as doctor's sausage.

Whatever your health, it will last for the rest of your life. (author: L. Borisov)

The client was healthy before his death. We don’t have absolutely healthy people—there are underexamined ones. (author: medical humor)

When a doctor cannot do any good, let him do no harm.

Those whom medicine cannot cure, nature cures. (dark humor)

Of course, laughter is the best medicine. But not with diarrhea.

He got his cerebral cortex from an oak tree.

They were treating jaundice - it turned out to be Chinese.

It is better to wash your hands before eating than your stomach after.

Better sclerosis than such a memory! (author: unknown)

The best doctor is the one who knows the uselessness of most drugs. (medical humor)

No health can survive if you constantly complain about it. (author of the aphorism: Viktor Konyakhin)

It’s not enough to make an appointment with a doctor - you still have to live to see it. (author: Konstantin Melikhan)

Medicine is the only profession that struggles with the reason for its existence!

Medicine has recently come a long way from those it treats. (author of the statement: Mikhail Genin)

A retired nurse is a nurse!

The location of the enema cannot be changed!

The Ministry of Health warns: abuse of virtual life leads to real hemorrhoids.

The Ministry of Health warns: “Now literally everything is dangerous to your health!”

A young qualified doctor will write prescriptions against any medications. (author: medical humor)

Many people die not from their illnesses, but from medications. (author: J. Moliere)

There was general anesthesia, and the surgeon was local...

The inscription on the doors of the venereologist: “Not all women are equally useful.” (author: medical humor)

People with the flu laugh the most contagiously. (author of humor: S. Skotnikov)

The taxman congratulates medical workers on their professional holiday - treat as many citizens as possible and better, we need strong and healthy taxpayers.

A real psychologist is the one who, on a crowded bus, can determine and stand in the place where the first seat becomes vacant.

A novice doctor prescribes 20 medicines for each disease, and an experienced doctor prescribes one for 20 diseases. (author of the aphorism: William Osler)

There are no incurable diseases, there are incurable patients. (author: Valery Afonchenko)

A failed operation is half a good autopsy. (author: medical humor)

Recovery should not be confused with immortality. (author: Gennady Malkin)

Do no harm to the patient! (author: Hippocrates)

Nervous tics usually appear during rush hour. (author: Konstantin Kushner)

No doctor is as concerned about a patient’s rapid pulse as a pathologist.

Nothing hinders health more than frequently changing medications. (author: Seneca)

Nowhere do they behave more politely than in line at the dentist.

Seeing a male gynecologist is simply stupid. It's like going to a car mechanic who has never even owned a car.

Some illnesses sharpen the senses, others dull them. But there are also third ones - they awaken conscience.

An experienced doctor will always assess the patient's condition before starting his treatment. (author of humor: Boris Krutier)

A smoker spends the first half of his life on cigarettes, and the second on medicines... (author of the aphorism: Nikolay Sudenko)

Pills that should be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Drinking is harmful, smoking is disgusting, and it’s a pity to die healthy (author: unknown)

Paid healthcare: money for a kidney! (author of humor: Konstantin Kushner)

Paid medicine is when the doctor is much more interested in the state of your wallet than the state of your health. (author: Baurzhan Toishibekov)

It will be bad for the doctor if no one feels bad. (author of the statement: Ernst Heine)

A bad architect hides his mistakes under ivy, a bad housewife - under mayonnaise, and a bad doctor - under the ground......

Polyclinic: accelerated courses for the exchange of experience between patients.

When you enter the most ordinary Russian institutions of free education and medicine, remember that you are entering into the most complicated payment relationships in the world. (author: Stas Yankovsky)

He became wiser when he lost his wisdom tooth. (quote author: Konstantin Kushner)

The cold is an ailment for which there are a number of ineffective medicines, the most popular of which is whiskey. (by Evan Ezar)

With free medicine, doctors are presented with bouquets of diseases. (author: V. Sumbatov)

With free medicine there is no one to treat, with paid medicine there is nothing. (author of the aphorism: Boris Krutier)

If you get your feet wet, your throat hurts; if you get your throat wet, your feet won’t hold up! (author: unknown)

We drink to someone else's health, but our own is a murderer. (author of the statement: unknown)

The rise in drug addiction is already worrying even alcoholics.

Russian people are so patient that their caries often turns into gangrene.

He brushed his own teeth and spoke to others. (author of humor: Garry Simanovich)

She got her good looks from her father, a plastic surgery specialist.

Nowadays there are so many drugs that the body cannot cope with the production of new diseases.

Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.

Hurry up to use a new remedy while it helps everyone! (author: medical humor)

As soon as the king gets a slight runny nose, his loyal subjects have a faint hope of death. (author: unknown)

A well-fed doctor is a healthy patient. (author: Avicena)

Comrade, remember! While you wish health for people, you wish poverty for doctors! (author: medical humor)

Anyone who is treated using a medical reference book risks dying from a typo. (author: Christian Friedrich Goebbel)

An amazing invention - psychoanalysis. The most primitive people begin to think that they are complex natures. (author of the statement: Samuel Berman)

I have the same disease, the name of which I cannot remember.

A surgeon is a person who washes his hands beforehand. (dark humor)

The surgeon operates wearing a mask in order to remain incognito in the event of an unsuccessful operation. (dark humor)

A surgeon differs from a butcher in that a butcher does not cut alive. (author of black humor: Boris Krieger)

Surgery is therapy taken to the point of desperation.

A cold compress treats hot heads. (author: Konstantin Kushner)

A well-fixed patient does not need anesthesia! (author: medical humor)

I want chronic health, progressive happiness, recurrent success, a hypertensive salary and an eternally pregnant wallet without the threat of miscarriage. (author: unknown)

Human life requires inhuman health. (author: Leonid S. Sukhorukov)

The older a person is, the more friends he has - doctors.

A charlatan is a false doctor who sends you to the next world, while a real doctor lets you die a natural death. (author: Jean La Bruyère)

About medications and weight loss

Jokes about medications and attempts to lose weight are akin to jokes about medicine, and therefore they cannot be ignored either. And here are a few of them.

“This is simply an amazing remedy for baldness! With its help, even billiard balls will grow hair!”

“Then how do you think we should play billiards?”

***

“Girl, do you have a cure for greed?”

"No. Except these pills..."

“Yes, more, more!..”

***

“My wife decided to start losing weight and therefore became interested in horseback riding...”

“So, how are the results?”

“The horse lost 10 kilos...”