Short jokes about life
I thought about life, flies swarmed...
Life goes away so quickly, as if it is not interested in us. Life is given to a person only once, and every Monday you want to start it again. You can live on our salary. It's only the last 28 days that are difficult. The best series is life. I’ve been watching the 25th season now, judging by the plot, the director is some kind of crazy... In my life I have two asses - in my pants and in general. How was it before? - How? That's it, now what? - What? That's what I'm saying. Life is too short to waste it on safely removing a flash drive. Life is movement,” said my roof and moved on. When I was young, it seemed to me that money was the most important thing in life. Now I have matured and I know this for sure. The doctor asks the patient: - What are you complaining about? - For life, doctor. - Don't worry, it will pass! Starting tomorrow I start a new life. But it is not exactly. In life, like in a chicken coop, there is one goal. Climb higher, peck your neighbor and shit on the one below. There comes a time in every man’s life when it’s easier to buy clean socks.
Jokes about life with meaning
Life is a movement: someone moves their brains, someone flapping their ears...
Money is not the most important thing in life. But don't forget to get them before you say such nonsense. I found the meaning of life. Now it's my turn to hide. - Dad, what is life really about? - The truth of life is that everyone lies. - What's the point then? “And the point is to get the truth out of it.” Thinking about how competently the rake is laid out in life, you begin to believe in higher powers... - Why do people dislike deputies so much? “Because they ruined our lives, and we are just a fence to them.” The track ahead with the name life flies, more than one hero was killed on it! If you’re driving, don’t even think about slowing down, they’re coming from behind too, and they can crush you! Life is like a roll of toilet paper - it seems long, but it’s wasted on all sorts of crap... Having stopped wanting to lose weight, a woman loses the meaning of life. - Anything can happen in life. It is impossible to guess where you will screw up, where you will lose. - Maybe you’ll “find” it? - Maybe. But then you’ll screw up or lose anyway... Life is made up of little things. And it’s precisely because of the little things that it doesn’t add up. If you met a bad girl, move away so as not to ruin your life. - If you meet a good one, move away so as not to ruin her life. 16 years old: life is pain and despair, and only death can bring peace. 36 years old: oops, frying pan on sale! I'll take two. — Is there something happening in your life now? - Yes... - What? — My pasta is boiling. - But seriously? - Do you think it makes sense to lie about pasta? It's good that life goes on and on. It’s too bad that age doesn’t keep up with her!
Clever phrases with humor
The smartest plant is the horseradish, it knows everything.
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There is always a place for celebration in life. You just need to know how to get to this place.
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It’s never too late to say “I miss you,” and it’s never too late to say “fuck you.”
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If you want to know the depth of a person’s soul, then spit in his soul and count until you get hit in the face.
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Be kinder and people will reach out to you with their dirty and sticky hands.
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If you have a smart thought, be smart - keep that thought to yourself.
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If you can't resist, resist!
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Men are like milk - if you forget about them, they run away.
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A person gets used to everything, even to the gallows: he twitches, twitches and calms down.
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Men are those who have intelligence, honor, conscience and money. And the rest are males.
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I like orange juice, and my girlfriends like peach juice. That's why when we meet, we drink vodka.
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Never look for the perfect girl. Look for a girl with cockroaches of the same type as yours.
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Morning is that part of the day when you envy the unemployed.
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You don't need hearing to sing karaoke. What you need is good eyesight, lack of conscience and a power outlet.
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Love your grandchildren - they will take revenge on your children.
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Talk nonsense carefully, trying not to spill it. Only complete nonsense is good.
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Miser pays twice! I'll get a job with a stingy guy!
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In Russia there is one indicator of health: you can drink or you can’t drink.
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A smart woman looks after herself, and a stupid woman looks after her husband.
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Never tell a woman: “Who needs you!” Remember! For every Fiona, there is a Shrek who will be purple that she is green.
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When they turn to you with the request: “Tell me, just honestly...”, you realize with horror that now, most likely, you will have to lie a lot.
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Fear has large eyes and a weak bladder.
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Those born to crawl cannot fly, but sometimes they crawl very high.
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A diploma allows you to make mistakes much more confidently.
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Don't have the money to change your wardrobe? Change your job! For the new team, all your old clothes are new.
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I would like to look at the person who called maternity leave a vacation!
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It feels like life is some kind of very cool game, and I’m a computer that can’t play it.
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Youth is a wonderful time when there is no profession, no rights, no money. There is only sexual orientation.
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There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people are interested.
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Many bachelors dream of a smart, beautiful, caring wife. And married people dream about her even more.
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Knowing the law does not free you from temptation.
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If a woman with empty buckets crosses your path in the desert, don’t be stupid, follow her.
About family life
A young wife prepared the first pie in her life for her husband. - Darling, I want to make another pie tomorrow, how do you like this idea? Well, why are you silent, tell me! So say something! Well, show me some signs of life...
Check it out: Jokes about mother-in-law
For a married woman, Little Chekupila and Big Chepozhrat are always welcome at home. At the diamond wedding: How did you manage to never cheat on each other during such a long life together?! - And we are both so scary that even crocodiles shied away from us! The family hearth is the place where, day after day, the wife prepares her husband for herself. Sclerosis unexpectedly brought a pleasant novelty into the life of pensioner Ivan Nikolaevich. - Now every morning, he wakes up with a new wife, not realizing that this is a well-forgotten old one. The most unlucky children in life are those whose mother works as a cook in a kindergarten. “The food in the garden is terrible, and at home they eat the same.” Family happiness is when the wishes of the wife coincide with the size of the husband. SMS before marriage: I love, I wait, I miss. SMS after marriage: bread, toilet paper, milk
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A person differs from a kettle in that he can boil just from the mere thought that someone wants to heat him.
If you really love, then such a woman that you won’t be ashamed to catch your wife’s eye with her.
Don't do anything the first time, otherwise no one will appreciate how difficult it was
Most of all, nature is polluted by the people on whom it rests
Marriage, like life, is a constant struggle: first for unification, then for equality, and then for independence.
I would like to see for myself that happiness does not come from money.
Real women don't marry real men, because > a real woman doesn't agree the first time, and a real man doesn't propose twice.
A dog, if you call it, will come running, a cat will take note...
There are two main ways to find your place in life: either take a strong position, or take an uncomfortable position.
Life is Beautiful! If you don't remember the past and don't think about the future.
The smarter a person is, the more easily he recognizes himself as a fool.
The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Don't focus only on work and career. No one has ever said on their deathbed, “I wish I had spent so little time at work.”
A man needs a wife because not everything in life can be blamed on the government.
Good in our time is like feeding pigeons... The more bread you give, the more crap will fall on your head later...
The best way to understand something yourself is to explain it to someone else.
If God did not give something, then the devil cannot take it away.
A woman is like a calculator: she adds problems, takes away time, multiplies expenses and divides property.....
Nothing contributes to the development of the Internet more than the degradation of television.
As a child, I was so weak that I was beaten even at music school!
Folk sign:
— If a woman suddenly becomes silent, it means she wants to say something.
If the interlocutor finds it difficult to answer, then you asked the question correctly!
An impossible dream: to fall into a lethargic sleep every Monday from morning to Friday evening while maintaining your salary.
Marriage is the event after which a man stops buying flowers and starts buying vegetables.
Being of a sober mind and strong memory, we decided to drink and forget everything.
In Russia, problems are not solved, but new ones are invented that will eclipse the previous ones...
Decent money is rarely found among decent people.
The best sales managers are men. And when it comes to shopping, it’s women.
Singles do not understand what a blessing it is to be married. Married people don't understand either...
If work begins to bring pleasure, then it’s time to get a divorce.
I ask you to pay me extra not only for harmfulness, but also for greed and arrogance
Glamor is the cattle's idea of beauty.
There is nothing more useful in a household than a man who feels guilty.
Sometimes it is not clear what goal a man who has succeeded in life pursued: to please his wife or to annoy his mother-in-law.
If you asked a person: “How are you?” and they answered you: “Fine,” know that you are not part of his circle of trust...
Always put off until tomorrow what you never intend to do.
Low-calorie spiritual food.
It doesn’t matter how many girls rejected you in your youth, the main thing is how many regretted it when you got back on your feet.
The stupidest hare is the one who thinks that if he behaves well, the wolves will not dare to eat him.
Women's intuition is a good thing... until women's logic comes...
Did you know that 20 percent of Americans do not suffer from obesity at all, as we tend to think, but enjoy it with all their might!!
In the global tourism industry, “tours without Russians” to those hotels and regions where there are guaranteed to be no Russians are becoming increasingly popular. These tours are in especially high demand among Russian citizens.
If you monitor your health, you will know where it has gone
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About school life
Those who get up early are told: sit down! The lesson isn't over yet!
We study all our lives, not counting the ten years spent at school. - Where are you? - In hell. - Okay, when you finish studying, you’ll call. Nothing has changed in my life. The girls who didn’t want to be friends with me at school, now, 30 years later, don’t want to be friends with me on Odnoklassniki. During the first lesson, don’t snore, because you will wake up your neighbor. I got my child ready for school... And for the money I gave him away in marriage!!! Remember: everything you say during the exam can be used against you! School is a place where teachers demand knowledge from students in all subjects, while they themselves know one subject at a time and make comments on your child? Teach him the phrase: “Mom teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.” Grades 1-5: – Mom, help me decide... Grades 6-11: – Maaam! Leave me alone! They didn't really ask anything. – I go to school as such a beautiful, bright and sweet girl. I come as a flawed dwarf from Snow White.
About the black streak in life
I sat down on a painted bench... Now there is a bright streak in my life! Life in general is a strange thing - a black stripe, a white stripe, two stripes - pregnant. I want a dark streak to come in my life and yours: Black Sea, black caviar, black Bentley:) Two friends meet. - How are you? “You know, everything is so bad, my wife left, they kicked me out of work, the dacha burned down.” A friend consoles: “Don’t worry.” Life is like a striped zebra, white stripe, black stripe. Time passes. Meet again. - How are you? – Remember, you told me about the stripes? - Yes, sure. - So it was a white stripe. - When will this dark streak pass? - This is not a streak. This is the background. A long-lasting black streak in life says only one thing - I probably won’t survive such an amount of future happiness!
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Quotes about life with humor
Life, according to many darlings of fate, is not fraught with difficulties. She is elementary.
Humor makes you laugh, even when there is absolutely no good reason to laugh. – Julien de Falkenard
When life flies by, there is good reason to believe that you missed it. Catch up with your carriage, if you can, then you will find yourself again. The second option is simpler - catch up on the spot.
Life and toilet paper are similar. The tape is long - they wasted it endlessly wiping their ass.
The mechanism of life turns on after listening to a humorous monologue.
Success attracts co-authors and envious people like a magnet.
A bullet that went through your head is akin to the journey of life - before you even had time to realize how suddenly you died.
When every child you meet babbles to you: “Dad,” your life has not been lived in vain.
When you crawl along the tree of life, glide along the smooth one, avoiding the branches, regardless of the knocking woodpeckers.
Enemas will not save those who feed on hopes. Faith will save you from the fear of life.
The chain becomes multi-linked when we are slaves to our desires - at the beginning. And then the real performers of our dreams make us slaves.
The black and white family has two stripes. During the honeymoon - the light side, and the thick fatty area until the divorce.
Read more quotes on the following pages:
Even the biggest truth is powerless against a little lie if the lie suits everyone!
No person can become more of a stranger than someone you loved in the past.
Don’t put anything off until tomorrow, it’s better to put it off until the day after tomorrow, you’ll have two free days.
If you find it difficult to gnaw on the granite of science, try sucking.
Happiness is when you don’t have to lie that you feel good.
A person can do anything as long as he does nothing...
For sure, everything that is not made is made in China.
Life must be lived in such a way that Google knows about it
Life is a scary thing... Not long ago I read the word toilet backwards, now I'm afraid to sit on it...
God created a woman... looked and said... “Okay... put on makeup”)
Loneliness is when you want to respond to spammers.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
A gentle person does what is asked.
It’s better to come to your senses once than to grab your head all your life.
