The best funny aphorisms of Faina Ranevskaya
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.
When I die, bury me and write on the monument: “Died of disgust.”
I feel well, but not well.
Why are all women such fools?
Baldness is a slow but progressive transformation of the head into an ass. First in form, and then in content.
Darling, if you want to lose weight, eat naked and in front of the mirror!
Many people complain about their appearance, but no one complains about their brains.
When I retire, I will do absolutely nothing. The first months I will just sit in a rocking chair. - And then? “And then I’ll start swinging.”
I’m watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.
When a jumper's legs hurt, she jumps while sitting.
A smart person knows how to get out of a difficult situation, but a wise person will never get into one.
And whatever nature does to a person.
God created women beautiful so that men would love them, and stupid women so that they would love men.
The queen of the supporting cast and the queen of aphorisms, most of which became popular, lived a long, eventful life, full of drama and loneliness. It is quite possible that it was loneliness that influenced Ranevskaya’s specific sense of humor. Not everyone can tell joke after joke almost their entire life (the actress lived to be 88 years old). Many believe that the actress came up with the jokes on purpose. But Faina Georgievna most likely did not even come up with quotes and aphorisms, but they simply came to her on their own, involuntarily - bang, a new funny statement is ready.
Quotes from Ranevskaya
Prepared by: Dmitry Sirotkin
Compiled a selection of quotes from actress Faina Ranevskaya .
They are dominated irony, self-irony and sadness.
Quotes are grouped by topic: about yourself, life ethics, women and men, acting, obesity and weight loss, relationships, old age and death, people, marriage, life, human manifestations, loneliness, health, talent, stupid, fame, people, youth , Love.
About Me
I've been swimming in the toilet butterfly style my whole life.
The brain, the ass and the pill have a soul mate. And I was initially whole.
What I loved most in my life was falling in love.
I don't drink, I don't smoke anymore and I've never cheated on my husband - I guarantee that I never had one.
I believe in God, who exists in every person. When I do a good deed, I think it is God's doing.
I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it.
When I don't get a role, I feel like a pianist whose hands were cut off.
I hate you. Wherever I go, everyone looks around and says: “Look, it’s Mulya, don’t make me nervous, she’s coming.”
There are a million fans, but there is no one to go to the pharmacy.
I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.
When I start writing my memoirs, beyond the phrase: “I was born into the family of a poor oil industrialist...”, I can’t do anything.
My God, how old I am - I still remember decent people!
How life slipped by, I never even heard nightingales sing.
I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.
When I die, bury me and write on the monument: “Died of disgust.”
About life ethics
You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.
The main thing is to live a living life, and not rummage through the recesses of memory.
Life is too short to waste it on diets, greedy men and bad moods.
Everything will come true, you just have to stop wanting...
If you expect someone to accept you “as you are,” then you are just a lazy idiot. Because, as a rule, “the way it is” is a sad sight. Change, you bastard. Work on yourself. Or die alone.
Remember for the rest of your life - you have to be so proud that you are above your pride.
If a person does evil to you, you give him candy, he does evil to you, you give him candy... And so on until this creature develops diabetes mellitus.
Under the most beautiful peacock tail hides the most ordinary chicken ass. So less pathos, gentlemen.
Cynicism. I hate it for its public availability.
Optimism is a lack of information.
It’s better to be a good person who “swears” than a quiet, well-mannered creature.
Horseradish, based on the opinions of others, ensures a calm and happy life.
Let go of idiots and clowns from your life. The circus must tour.
About women and men
Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?
Women die later than men because they are always late.
If a woman tells a man that he is the smartest, it means she understands that she will not find another such fool.
From the beginning of their days to their end, men are drawn to boobs.
A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman’s birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.
Women are not the weaker sex, the weaker sex are rotten boards.
Why are all women such fools?
Don’t have a hundred rubles, but have two breasts!
I hate it when a whore pretends to be innocent!
By the way, quotes about women and quotes about men
About acting
How wrong it is to believe that there are no irreplaceable actors.
Do you know what it's like to act in a movie? Imagine that you are washing in a bathhouse, and they take you on a tour there.
Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.
There are no disadvantages for an actress if it is necessary for the role.
We have been accustomed to single-cell words, scant thoughts, play Ostrovsky after this!
This is the fourth time I’ve watched this film and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.
Pee-wee on the tram is all he did in art.
I don't recognize the word "play". You can play cards, horse races, checkers. You need to live on stage.
Nowadays actors don’t know how to be silent, and by the way, they don’t know how to speak!
Critiques are Amazons in menopause.
I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!”
About fatness and weight loss
There are no overweight women, there are tight clothes.
There is a very slender woman sitting in my obese body, but she just can’t get out. And given my appetite, it looks like it's a life sentence for her.
Ladies, don't lose weight. Do you need it? It’s better to be a ruddy donut in old age than a dried-up monkey!
I noticed that if you don’t eat bread, sugar, fatty meat, or drink beer with fish, your face becomes smaller. But sadder.
To help us see how much we are overeating, our stomach is located on the same side as our eyes.
Darling, if you want to lose weight, eat naked and in front of the mirror!
About relationships
Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.
If you have someone to tell your dreams to, you have no right to consider yourself lonely
Understand once and for all that the character of your woman is a reflection of your attitude towards her. For those who don’t understand: it’s not her who’s a bitch, it’s you who’s an asshole.
Only ugly women are always jealous of their husbands, my dears, but we beauties have no time for that, we are jealous of strangers...
- You are still young and look great. - I cannot return you the same compliment! - And you, like me, would lie!
About old age and death
Old age is when it is not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality.
Old age is a time when the candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half the urine goes for testing.
Growing old is boring, but it's the only way to live long.
Memories are the wealth of old age.
Baldness is a slow but progressive transformation of the head into an ass. First in form, and then in content.
Thoughts are drawn to the beginning of life - which means life is coming to an end.
A funeral is a spectacle for curious ordinary people.
About people
There are people in whom God lives; There are people in whom the devil lives; And there are people that live only worms.
And whatever nature does to a person.
This is the worst thing when a person has no desires left.
People create their own problems - no one forces them to choose boring professions, marry the wrong people or buy uncomfortable shoes.
A smart person knows how to get out of a difficult situation, but a wise person will never get into one.
Beautiful people shit too.
By the way, quotes about people
About marriage
Once you get married, then you will understand what happiness is. But it will be too late.
Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.
The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.
They live together. Like husband and wife. Although no. They live much better.
The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to a heroine mother. The union of a stupid woman and a smart man gives birth to a single mother. The union of a smart woman and a stupid man gives rise to an ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to easy flirting.
By the way, quotes about weddings and marriage
About life
Life is a short walk before eternal sleep.
Life is a long leap from the womb to the grave.
Life goes by without bowing like an angry neighbor.
Everything pleasant in this world is either harmful, immoral, or leads to obesity.
There is no disease more painful than melancholy.
What kind of world is this? There are so many idiots around, how much fun they make!
By the way, quotes about life
About human manifestations
Many people complain about their appearance, but no one complains about their brains.
It has always been unclear to me that people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.
Damn nineteenth century, damned upbringing: I can’t stand when men are sitting.
You can't fart happily with a sad ass.
About loneliness
Loneliness is when there is a telephone in the house and the alarm clock rings.
Loneliness is a condition that you have no one to tell about.
Loneliness as a condition cannot be treated.
A child from the first grade of school should be taught the science of loneliness.
By the way, quotes about loneliness
About health
Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.
I feel well, but not well.
If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.
By the way, quotes about health
About talent
Talent is like a wart. Either he is or he is not
Talent is self-doubt and painful dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s shortcomings, which I have never encountered in mediocrity.
In general, I noticed that talent is always drawn to talent, and only mediocrity remains indifferent, and sometimes even hostile.
Oh stupid
How I envy the brainless!
There are people whom you just want to approach and ask if it’s difficult to live without a brain.
All my life I have been terribly afraid of stupid people. Especially women. You never know how to talk to them without sinking to their level.
About fame
To gain recognition one must, even must, die.
Many receive awards not according to ability, but according to need.
The companion of fame is loneliness.
About the people
Our people are the most gifted, kind and conscientious. But almost somehow it turns out that constantly, about eighty percent, we are surrounded by idiots, scammers and creepy ladies without dogs. Trouble!
A Russian person doesn’t want to do or think anything on an empty stomach, but on a full stomach he can’t.
About youth
Today's youth are terrible. But what is even more terrible is that we do not belong to it.
Either I’m getting old and stupid, or the youth of today are like nothing else! Previously, I simply did not know how to answer their questions, but now I don’t even understand what they are asking.
About love
When I was 20 years old, I only thought about love. Now I only like to think.
There is such love that it is better to immediately replace it with execution.
By the way, quotes about love
About miscellaneous
I'm like eggs: I participate, but I don't enter.
Lesbianism, homosexuality, masochism, sadism are not perversions. Actually, there are only two perversions: field hockey and ice ballet.
Animals, which are few in number, are included in the Red Book, and those that are numerous are included in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.
The first poet was the one who compared a woman to a flower, and the first prose writer was the one who compared her to another woman.
What a sad city. Unbearably beautiful and so sad with a seriously pathogenic climate. (About Leningrad)
Spelling errors in writing are like a bug on a white blouse.
Eating alone is as unnatural as shitting together!
Half the lies that are spread about me are not true.
As you can see, quotes by Faina Ranevskaya differ from quotes from other famous people by some kind of sad combativeness , as well as by the severity of the themes of obesity and weight loss, health and loneliness.
Next, you can move on to other collections of quotes:
- Pushkin Quotes
- Quotes from Zhvanetsky
- Stanislavsky Quotes
- Coco Chanel Quotes
- Marilyn Monroe Quotes
- Quotes from Vysotsky
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Apt quotes about men, women and love
Ranevskaya performed at one of the literary and theatrical evenings. During the discussion, a girl of about sixteen asked: “Faina Georgievna, what is love?” Ranevskaya thought and said: “I forgot.” And after a second she added: “But I remember that it was something very pleasant.”
— Faina Georgievna, what does a woman look like if you stand her upside down? - For the piggy bank. - And the man? - On the hanger.
Once you get married, then you will understand what happiness is. But it will be too late.
- If a woman tells a man that he is the smartest, it means she understands that she will not find another such fool.
Ranevskaya returns from tour. Conversation in the compartment. One says: “When I return home, I’ll confess everything to my husband.” Second: “Well, you’re brave.” Third: “Well, you’re stupid.” Ranevskaya: “Well, you have a memory.”
Having gone to the zoo because they had nothing to do on tour during the day, the artists saw an unusual deer, on whose head there were four antlers instead of two. The following remarks were heard: “What a strange animal!” What kind of trick? “I think,” Ranevskaya said in a deep voice, “that this is just a widower who had the imprudence to marry again.”
One day Faina Ranevskaya asked Anna Akhmatova: “Who is the sheep’s husband?” Akhmatova said: “A ram, so there’s nothing to envy.”
Lesbianism, homosexuality, masochism, sadism are not perversions, Ranevskaya strictly explains: Actually, there are only two perversions: field hockey and ice ballet.
“You won’t believe it, Faina Georgievna, but no one has ever kissed me except my groom.” “Are you bragging, my dear, or are you complaining?”
If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman keeps her head straight, she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!
The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to a heroine mother. The union of a stupid woman and a smart man gives birth to a single mother. The union of a smart woman and a stupid man gives rise to an ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to easy flirting.
A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman’s birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.
What I loved most in my life was falling in love.
A scandalous person, a lonely and vulnerable soul, a sarcastic lady with a thick voice, a home-grown philosopher with a cigarette and just an actress who can replace the whole group. This is all Faina Ranevskaya. She has a lot of various awards and titles, and has played more than four dozen roles in film and theater. At the same time, Ranevskaya spoke not at all flatteringly about her filming in films: “The money was eaten up, but the shame remained.” Despite this sarcasm, the images of her film heroines were remembered by the audience forever, which is especially valuable considering that the actress did not have leading roles. The apt phrase about money is just one of the witty phrases that she left behind. In principle, Faina Georgievna’s statements were not very optimistic... Ranevskaya’s quotes are funny and sad at the same time.
Let's think deeply
Ranevskaya very accurately described our society. If we think globally, then, looking into history, we will be able to find a huge number of examples of sincere people with noble impulses and intentions to improve our world and eradicate injustice. As a result, many of them were burned at the stake, shot, killed in various ways for their honest, brave words and deeds. While the cunning ones, who remained silent and sat in the corner, deceiving everyone, successfully got away with it.
This is how our world is tripled - the person who managed to say in time what others wanted to hear from him wins, and real personalities turn out to be abandoned, expelled and unnecessary. Ranevskaya is against this: indeed, it is better to be a decent person and swear than to silently, quietly hate others and pretend to be good. The truth is more expensive for a great actress. Let's be in full agreement with this.
Ranevskaya's aphorisms about health
- “Sclerosis is much better than hemorrhoids,” Faina Ranevskaya once said. - With what? — said the actress’s colleague on the set. - Hemorrhoids are not visible, and it is inconvenient to complain. And with sclerosis, nothing hurts and every now and then there is news.
- I noticed that if you don’t eat bread, sugar, fatty meat, or drink beer with fish, your face becomes smaller, but sadder.
- Faina Ranevskaya's best quotes about health If a person has done you harm, give him candy. He is evil to you, you are candy to him. And so on until this creature develops diabetes.
- Everything pleasant in this world is either harmful, immoral, or leads to obesity. —Are you sick, Faina Georgievna? - No, I just look like that.
- One day Faina Georgievna was hospitalized with a broken arm. “What happened to you, my dear?” — a colleague who came to visit Ranevskaya lamented. - Yes, I slept - and on you... I had a dream that Arkady Raikin came to me and said: “You are in debt, Faina, and I earned a lot of money” - and showed me a hat with money. I reach out, and he says: “Don’t be shy. Come closer." I went to him for money and fell out of bed. Now the arm is broken.
- A young colleague turned to the actress with a question: “Faina Georgievna, I saw you in the hospital.” Are you sick? Ranevskaya did not like to complain about sores, especially to unfamiliar people. So this time she decided to laugh it off: “Your body is a scarecrow.” - What they were doing? - Scared the body. I took him to the hospital to see what would happen to him if he decided to get sick.
- The actresses discuss how to urgently lose weight for the holiday. “Eat fruit,” advises Ranevskaya. - Which ones exactly, Faina Georgievna? - Unwashed.
- - Faina Georgievna, are you sick again? What is your temperature? — Normal, room temperature, plus 18 degrees.
- — Anesthesia helps doctors. — Did you want to tell the sick, Faina Georgievna? - No, exactly the doctors, my dear. Anesthesia is the only way to avoid advice from the patient during surgery.
- — Do you know what kind of patients doctors don’t like? - Ranevskaya asked her colleagues. - Nytikov? - someone suggested. - No, those who manage to survive, despite all their forecasts.
- When asked about her state of health, Ranevskaya answered with a sigh: “No condition, no health.” One simulation.
- — Faina Georgievna, what diagnosis were you given? - Colleagues asked the actress. - CHAZ. For half a day we thought that it could be like this. They were embarrassed to ask, but curiosity turned out to be stronger than shyness. - So what kind of mysterious disease is this? How does CHES stand for? - WHAT? God knows.
- Ranevskaya was a heavy smoker. Once, while examining her, the doctor asked: “What are you breathing, my dear?” “Pushkin,” she answered.
- Ranevskaya invented a new remedy for insomnia and shared her thoughts with her colleague Rina Zelena: “We must count to three.” Maximum - until half past three.
- One day, the actress witnessed the cooing of a couple in love. Girl: - Oh, my cheek hurts. The young man kissed his beloved on the cheek: “Does it hurt now?” “Now my cheek doesn’t hurt, but my neck hurts.” The young man kissed the girl on the neck: “Well?” - Does not hurt. Ranevskaya, who was sitting right there, inquired: “You, young man, don’t treat hemorrhoids?”
- - How do you feel, Faina Georgievna? - My liver, my heart, my legs, my head hurt. It’s good that I’m not a man, otherwise my prostate gland would get sick.
- Ranevskaya undergoes surgery under anesthesia. The doctor asks her to count to 10. Out of excitement, she begins to count at random: “One, two, five, seven...” “Be more careful, please,” the doctor asks. “Understand how difficult it is for me,” the actress begins to justify herself. - My prompter is not around.
- Faina Ranevskaya's best quotes about health - Here are your sleeping pills, Faina Georgievna. This will last you 6 weeks. - But, doctor, I wouldn’t like to sleep for so long!
- — I recommended that you smoke only 1 cigarette after meals. And here is the result: you look beautifully healthy, you have gained noticeable weight,” the doctor says optimistically. - You want to say that your ass has become even thicker. It’s not surprising, because now I eat 10 times a day to smoke,” explains Ranevskaya.
- - This doctor works miracles! “He literally cured all my illnesses in a minute,” Faina Georgievna remarked sarcastically after visiting the doctor. - How? “He said that all my illnesses are not illnesses, but symptoms of approaching old age.”
- — Is there anything chronic? — the doctor asked Faina Ranevskaya, filling out an examination form at the sanatorium. Ranevskaya nodded: “Yes.” - What? — Lack of money and expectation of a bright future.
- Faina Georgievna’s colleagues recalled the pleasure with which the actress showed them a huge banner hung on the pediment of the hospital. It consisted of several parts. The result was: “The treatment itself is dangerous to health!”
- The paradox of medicine: in order to give a person an accurate diagnosis, you need to perform an autopsy. But, since no one wants to undergo an autopsy, they are treated according to approximate diagnoses.
- — What did the doctor tell you about the upcoming operation? - they asked Faina Georgievna. - Calmed me down. This is his 20th one. It should work out in the end.
- Once again, Faina Georgievna Ranevskaya went to rest in a sanatorium. “They assigned me a doctor,” the actress recalled. “She came, greeted me and said: “I’m so glad that you are staying with us!” It’s so nice to see you not on the screen, but in life! “Thank you,” I thanked. “I hope that they will be able to see me in life even after your hospital.”
Obscene language in our lives
From early childhood, we are shaped to realize that obscene language is evil, that we need to be polite, friendly and affectionate. “Baby,” they tell the child, “don’t say the words “damn,” “damn,” “kick-ass” and “fucked up”—it’s ugly. After all, you’re a girl!” And so it is in almost every family. Is it correct? The child will grow up, and sooner or later he will still learn all those “terrible” words that you so carefully tried to protect him from. Then the worst thing will begin - what in most cases the younger generation suffers from: obscene language takes the main place in people’s speech, displacing ordinary vocabulary.
Let's look at things from a realistic perspective: obscene language is a separate part of our language. It has its own special properties. For example, when reading the poems of Yesenin and Mayakovsky, you can come across a “swear word” more than once, but in most cases it is used so appropriately and accurately that no indignation or doubt arises. These poets were brave and free people, despite the time in which they had to exist. They were able to maintain their solid, unbending inner core and even “infect” other people with it. The work of Yesenin and Mayakovsky is another confirmation of the accuracy of the expression “it is better to be a good person who swears than a quiet, well-mannered creature.”
What prevents us from being ourselves?
Impulsive people, such as Faina Ranevskaya, very often have an explosive character. They are interesting and unpredictable, their mood cannot be predicted. These individuals do not hide their thoughts, share their ardent opinions with others, often without observing censorship, and why? Who should they be afraid of? Why should a strong and free person have some kind of “filters” that prevent him from being sincere? If he wants to say exactly that, why can’t he do it? If someone doesn't like this style of speech, please don't use it or interact with someone who uses it, it's your choice. In this way (by using obscene language) we protect ourselves from the society of well-behaved silent people who unquestioningly observe the rules and foundations established by society in everything.
You can swear and be a good person! It’s just that each of us expresses our emotions differently: some are sincere and honest, while others prefer to put on a mask and hide their true insides. If you are brave and desperate enough and you have the willpower and courage to say exactly what you think, try it - it’s much more correct than keeping your thoughts in your head, showing in reality a completely different attitude.
Checkmate - is it really that bad?
Mat is not always indecency and aggression. It is this kind of vocabulary that can decorate, sometimes even create a joke, ideally complement a witty and sarcastic phrase, and clearly express your state of mind. You just need to know how to use it, you don’t need to be afraid of such words. You should also not insert them every other letter as an attempt to assert yourself and impress others, but you can use them precisely and to the point, but not everyone can do this. If you are a weak-willed and timid person, then most likely this vocabulary is not for you. This requires impulsiveness, desperation and independence from other people's opinions, mental freedom and space, a good sense of humor and language.
What will you choose: polite hypocrisy or brutal truth?
Hypocrisy is a disgusting quality that, unfortunately, is very common in people. It would seem that everything is so simple - tell the truth and that’s it, but it’s not. Difficult, difficult and scary. It's much easier to pretend to be who the other person wants you to be. After all, by acting in this way, it is easier to gain someone’s favor and trust. You can say something neutral that will not contradict the opinion of the interlocutor - let him think that they agree with him, but in reality everything is completely different. Keep silent, and then let him figure out for himself what is there and how. Hence quarrels, misunderstandings and a whole series of human problems of enormous proportions. Here is another proof that it is better to be a decent person who swears than a “quiet, well-mannered creature.”
