Why are our children increasingly growing up ungrateful ❗️☘️ ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)

Spring has come and parents have a lot of housework to do. They don’t complain or ask for help, but in the evening I can hear from their voices that they are incredibly tired. I live far away, and my older sister also went to join her husband in another city. We constantly call our parents, but that’s not the case. There is nothing more touching than seeing the joyful faces of your parents when you arrive. I put everything aside and rushed to plant potatoes, early seedlings, help in the flower beds, and so on. Ten hours on the train, two on the train. Yes, the road turned out to be somewhat sad. I was traveling with an elderly man and we became separated. Then I realized how ungrateful children . His story breaks my heart.

What is gratitude

When the baby is small, mother's concern and care give him the necessary feeling of security. But then a person grows up, and excessive care from parents only causes a negative reaction. He no longer needs mom and dad to take care of him, control every step, and constantly give advice.

Parents expect completely different behavior from their children . They want their daughters and sons to listen to their opinion, to come more often, to call constantly, to take care of them.

But children are not born with a feeling of gratitude to their parents, and adults must instill this feeling in them from childhood. After all, as you know, what you invest in a child during the upbringing process is what you will get in return.

Gratitude can come in several forms. These can be sincere experiences or simple words that do not carry any hidden subtext. “Thank you”, “I was glad”, “Thank you” - these can only be phrases that a well-mannered person utters. Hypocritical people may say, “I’m very glad to see you,” when in fact they don’t feel any joy.

The outward form of showing gratitude is also important. It is not necessary to say “Thank you” only when the feeling of gratitude overwhelms you. Gratitude should be expressed in any case, because the person did something nice for you, and therefore deserves kind words.

Many people believe that there is no need to thank loved ones. If we don’t say “Thank you” at work, we will be considered rude. And at home you can forget pleasant words, because it is already clear that we love and appreciate our relatives. So it turns out that with friends and colleagues a person is polite and pleasant to talk to, but when surrounded by his family he relaxes, forgets to thank him, and does not pay attention to what his relatives do for him.

The internal, emotional component of gratitude is also very important. Sometimes it is impossible to express it, but looks, gestures, touches speak more than the loudest words. For example, an emotionally restrained husband eats a breakfast prepared with love, but does not repeat to his wife: “Thank you” many times. But after breakfast he hugs her, and in the evening he brings her a bouquet of flowers. Close people understand without words that you are sincerely grateful to them for everything they do.

Why children grow up ungrateful

Personality is formed not only under the influence of the family, but also in society, so the environment in which a little person grows is also of great importance. But those who grow up grateful are those who were instilled with family values from infancy, taught politeness, sincerity, and honesty. A child learns from the example of his family, and if dad takes for granted that mom cooks, cleans, and takes care of loved ones, then you shouldn’t be surprised that your son or daughter will grow up to be ungrateful people.

If you think that your mother is obliged to help you with the child (her grandson), the father must support you, and the direct responsibility of the husband is to fulfill all your whims, your child will behave in the same way.

Example from life

Olya asked her mother-in-law to come and babysit her two-year-old daughter so she could get her nails done at the salon herself. The mother-in-law arrived, and Olya immediately gave her a whole list of what needed to be done. The mother-in-law had to prepare lunch for her granddaughter (only those dishes that Olya believed were good for her daughter), take a walk with the girl (but not on the playground, there is a possibility of contact with sick children), feed her and put her to bed. The mother-in-law was indignant that she was not allowed to cook the rich borscht that her children loved so much. Olya left dissatisfied. She thought that the grandmother would be happy to sit with her granddaughter, but she did not see much happiness. In addition, she brought a chocolate egg, although she knew that Olya was against sweets at that age. When Olya arrived from the salon, she saw the following picture. The daughter was drawing with her grandmother, there was borscht on the stove, and the mother-in-law said that they were eating ice cream on the street. There was no limit to the outrage. As a result, Olya had a fight with her mother-in-law, she slammed the door, and her little daughter cried loudly because her beloved grandmother had left.

There was no talk of any gratitude from Olya. She decided for herself that the grandmother was obliged to lose her temper and quit her business as soon as she was asked to babysit her granddaughter. The mother-in-law had to act according to Olya’s scenario, because the mother knows better what her child needs. In such a situation, the person deserved gratitude, because she allowed her daughter-in-law to go to the salon without any questions, although she was not obliged to do so. In addition, the granddaughter was happy: she talked with her beloved grandmother, had a delicious lunch, and had an interesting time. Instead, the mother-in-law heard insults and complaints addressed to her.

Scheme of Ingratitude

The man decided that someone owes him. He is not interested in the opinion of those who “should”; he does not listen to any arguments. If the one who “should” does not act according to the planned scenario, he does not deserve any gratitude. Even if a person has done something good for you, it is not noticed. But errors and “jambs” are immediately brought up for discussion. It turns out there is nothing to say: “Thank you.”

This scheme works the same way with children. Do you feed them, clothe them, clean their apartment? But they don’t need a clean apartment; sand on the floor suits them just fine. Buying clothes and preparing food is the direct responsibility of parents. Do you give them pocket money? You don’t give much, but your friend’s parents give her twice as much. There is nothing to thank parents for; they perform their main function, what they are obliged to do for their children.

But this scheme was invented not by children, but by adults. Parents need to honestly answer themselves: how often do they thank you for seemingly simple things? Does dad say “Thank you” when mom greets him, tired, from work with a hot dinner? Is mom grateful when dad puts gas in her car? Do grandmothers hear words of gratitude when they sit with their grandchildren?

Things didn't turn out the way we wanted

But everything just didn’t turn out the way we wanted . My wife got sick, I was left alone. We were together for 46 years. As I remember, I don’t understand my feelings: I smile and I want to cry. The son finished his studies and went to work in another city. Did you find a girlfriend. They gave him a one-room apartment there as a young specialist. The second son lived in an apartment donated by us. Well, one day the younger one arrived and demanded a house. I thought, they really promised. I think I’m old already, I’ll live to live somehow. So he sold the house and gave the money to his youngest son.

I don't want to think that I have ungrateful children. I try not to fall apart, but somehow survive . It's good in summer. I have a large tent, an awning. I keep my car there and somehow get by. But in the cold it’s worse. Then I go back to one son, then to the second. But I try not to stay long - I see that I’m not very welcome. My daughters-in-law start grumbling, but I don’t want to quarrel between them and their husbands. For some time he lived with his eldest son in the garage. Yes, I see that he is uncomfortable, I called him to the apartment. But I've already seen how it is. So I just went on wandering.

When children grow up grateful

All basic values are formed in the family. Under what conditions will a child grow up well-mannered and grateful?

Mom and dad respect their parents. If a mother yells at her mother and does not take into account the opinion of her father, then your children will not feel gratitude to you. Don't criticize the older generation, otherwise your sons and daughters will criticize you someday.
Parents thank you for everything they do for each other. If dad doesn’t say “thank you” for the ironed shirts, and mom silently accepts the bags of groceries that her husband brought from the store, the child will consider this model of communication to be the norm.
Adults must understand that no one owes them anything. If a person does something good to you, you should definitely thank him.

The main mistake of parents who want to receive gratitude from their children in any way is stories about how hard it was for them, how difficult it is to be a mom and dad, what sacrifices they made for this. Such stories can only instill a sense of guilt in a child, who will subsequently withdraw and may even stop communicating.

To raise a grateful child, start from an early age and show by example how easy it is to say “thank you.”
Be sincere, thank not only your loved ones, but also the cashier, the doctor, the stranger who held the door at the store. It is impossible to develop a sense of gratitude in children if it is absent in yourself. leave a comment

Perhaps the most painful thing you can get from children is ingratitude. This can manifest itself at any age; very young children may, for example, be ungrateful towards the food you prepare; older children may not at all appreciate what you do for them.

But the topic of ingratitude, of course, comes to the fore among parents of teenagers; it is from the age of 13-15 that they really want the child to at least somehow show that he at least understands that something is being done for him, no longer small. And he thanked him at least with a formal “thank you” for the things bought for him, expensive courses, tutors, even just for everyday care (they fed him, washed him, cleaned him up). The problem is that this doesn't happen. And the child sincerely believes, or even expresses out loud, that there is nothing special to thank him for. Because the parents themselves are interested in this (parents need courses and tutors no less than children), because parents are obliged to help him, he is their child. And in general, he didn’t ask himself to give birth and now he’s not asking for anything either, but his parents themselves want and give, so why be grateful? Sometimes gratitude is out of politeness, formal, this is easier. And sometimes it’s not there, that is, there’s no “thank you.”

Form and Feeling

Gratitude has two components: it is a kind of experience and an external form of expression. You can thank a person without feeling any inner gratitude towards him. Thus, the speaker says “thank you for your question” not because he is overwhelmed by the experience of gratitude, but because this is protocol, a form of politeness. Such forms are like a lubricant for social interaction. “Thank you,” “please,” “come again,” “have a nice evening,” “nice to see you,” “you look great”—all these are words that soften intraspecific human aggression. All adults with a stable psyche understand that this is simply a form of expressing peacefulness towards others and do not require special confirmation from these others of the sincerity of the words. So, the person understands that he looks quite normal and is told about his fresh appearance in order to provide an overall positive attitude and say something pleasant. More nervous people, however, worry that they are being hypocritical and say that they are glad to see you when they are not at all happy to see you. But this is a different story.

Returning to gratitude, I must say that the formal part is important, even without the experience of gratitude. By providing a formal part of gratitude, even without the corresponding underlying feeling of gratitude, we show people that they are important to us and we care about how they feel. It is very short-sighted to express gratitude only when this feeling overwhelms you, when you literally cannot contain its impulses. It is advisable to express gratitude much more often, at the moment when you understand that a person did something for you that he might not have done. Without waiting for global events, paying attention to the little things. Many here make the mistake of referring to their commitment to sincerity in relationships: they say, why should I be a hypocrite if I don’t feel any gratitude, and I won’t lie to others by saying these fake “thank yous.” By the way, I won’t lie especially to my loved ones, since most understand that the lack of formal politeness with “strangers”: at work or with friends, will quickly lead to bad relationships. But with your loved ones you don’t have to pretend, really, when else can you be yourself! And the tactics of such sincerity lead to the fact that at home people feel as if they are in the camp of the enemy, but on the side it’s not bad. That is, with a husband and wife it’s just terrible, but with friends, you see, it’s nothing. This is because with friends you try to be pleasant, but with your husband, wife and children you relax, there is no point in grimacing, let them accept you for who you are!

The form of expressing gratitude, even without experiencing that very gratitude, is a mega important thing for relationships. You need to learn how to express gratitude appropriately and try to do it authentically, that is, in touch with your own inner part, which is capable of experiencing gratitude. But this is a higher level, and at a simple level you need to express strictly how it turns out.

In addition to the form, there is also an internal experience of gratitude. And it can also exist without the second part - without expressing gratitude. Sometimes we fail to express gratitude because the object of gratitude is distant in time or geographically. Sometimes there is no way to express gratitude, although I would like to. Sometimes the object of gratitude has already passed into another world, and only symbolic forms of gratitude are possible. In general, there is often a feeling of gratitude, but no expression for it. Sometimes even in close relationships people feel gratitude, but are embarrassed to express it, cannot find the words, as they say.

In contact with close people, even unexpressed gratitude is felt by people, they understand it. And they also understand the lack of this inner gratitude. A special expression of a glance, a touch, a special tone of voice, the desire to repay something, to help, to do something pleasant - all these are signs of gratitude not expressed in words. And these signs are instantly read by your communication partners, bringing them deep satisfaction. And the absence of such signs is also read and serves as an indicator of the person’s attitude towards you. So, a sullen husband can eat your food, never thank you, never praise it, but under the pressure of your indignation say that yes, of course, thank you, he is grateful. But the woman understands that she is not grateful. For gratitude can be read without words. Words without inner experience at least showed her that the person wanted to please her. And even without words, and without body language that speaks of gratitude, it’s completely sad.

The Origins of Ingratitude

Parents should not overestimate their role in shaping the personality of their children. It is the environment that educates, and a child’s environment is much broader than his family. And the older the child, the wider the environment. The information with which the modern world is overflowing is also part of an environment that is practically uncontrollable.

But with the topic of gratitude, the role of parents is extremely large. But in my opinion, it is decisive. A child understands what gratitude is by watching his loved ones, he learns to be grateful or ungrateful. Both in form and in terms of feeling.

The child first of all observes how gratitude is manifested in his family. Is it customary to express it? Or everyone believes that loved ones “should” fulfill their duties and there is nothing to thank for. Does dad say “thank you” to mom for dinner? Does mom thank dad for everyday help? Do people thank each other for small favors? Or is it taken for granted that this is how it should be?

If a child does not see clear signs of gratitude from household members to each other, then he does not learn to show it and does not know what, in fact, to thank for.

So, if you think that your mother should babysit her grandchildren, feed you, and there’s nothing special to thank for (well, maybe in passing), then you teach your child the same. And if you are sure that, of course, your husband is obliged to meet, drive, repair your car, carry groceries, you take this for granted, you teach this to your child, he will also treat your investments.

Masha, a mother of 1.5-year-old twins, invited her mother-in-law to her home to help prepare food and babysit the children. The mother-in-law agreed, but set the condition on days, on others she worked. Masha was inwardly indignant, because we were talking about children, how can you compare work and dear grandchildren! The mother-in-law arrived without a gift, but Masha was counting on it, and besides, her mother never came to the children empty-handed. While visiting, the mother-in-law did not immediately get to work; she watched TV for a long time and talked on the phone with her husband. Masha's indignation grew. As a result, the mother-in-law did cook some food (but not according to the recipe that Masha asked for) and walked with her grandchildren while Masha went about her business (they arrived wet, although Masha asked to be careful). As a result of the visit, Masha accumulated so much irritation with her mother-in-law that she said goodbye to her through gritted teeth, and then even cried.

In the above example, the woman did not experience an ounce of gratitude, but she felt a lot of indignation at her mother-in-law’s behavior. This happened because the woman came up with a scenario for her mother-in-law and was worried that she didn’t want to fit into it. In the woman’s mind, the mother-in-law immediately owed Masha a lot: to rush to her first call, putting off work; get down to business energetically immediately after arrival; cook what Masha considered correct; walk according to the machine's routine. As a result, in a situation where gratitude would have been natural, no gratitude happened, but accusations and tears happened.

This example clearly shows the pattern of ingratitude:

A person believes that he is owed in advance. This “should” is in no way consistent with the opinion of the Other, in no way coordinated with his intentions. They should and that’s it, there’s no point in arguing.

In general, the basis of any ingratitude is the feeling of what is owed to you by right of birth: love, respect, material wealth, opportunities, etc. And providing this is just the restoration of vital justice.

2. Any deviation from the “they owe me” scenario is declared a mistake that the other must make up for.

3. All the good that is done is swallowed up by a mass of mistakes and is thus annulled. Of course, something has been done, but there are so many mistakes...

4. As a result, there is a zero balance, there is nothing to be grateful for.

This scheme is also used by children. They are also not entirely happy with what you do for them. Do you clean, wash, iron? So he doesn’t care, this is not his scenario, he looks like he’s not ironed and bits under the pillow are not a problem for him. Are you giving me money? So they give others more, not these pennies. Are you feeding? Well, that goes without saying. And add on how many troubles parents cause: brain drain, all sorts of restrictions, often assault... As a result, zero balance, nothing to be grateful for.

But it wasn’t the child who came up with this scheme, it’s the adults’ scheme, the child just picked it up.

If your child is ungrateful, answer yourself honestly - are you grateful?

To your parents, husband, wife, mother-in-law, friends? How often do these people hear your gratitude? Compared to how many complaints they hear from you...

Most people feel gratitude only on special occasions, and usually they feel indignation that they were not given enough. They were poorly raised, poorly supported, sent to the wrong place to study, today they are underestimated and underpaid, they are poorly looked after, their spouse offends them, the government and the climate are wrong. It is in this environment that a child is formed who does not know what gratitude is.

How often do you talk to your child about the value of getting a free education? Or has he often heard from you how terrible schools are today?

Do you appreciate the fact that an ambulance team comes to you promptly? Or did all your energy go into criticizing modern medicine and the indifference of doctors?

Are you grateful to fate that you live in a world of great opportunities? Or do you regret that yours is not covered with pink rugs, and competitors and taxes interfere with you?

Your beliefs about whether you personally have anything to be grateful for shape the beliefs of your children.

Children grow up grateful in families:

- where they are grateful to their parents and show it

Yes, if you yell at your elders, talk to your mother in a dismissive and demanding manner, then expect the same from your children.

If there is no gratitude to your parents, but on the contrary there is indignation at their past sins and today’s stupidity, then your children will not have gratitude towards you. You will also have shortcomings, but the model of criticism is at hand.

- where mom and dad are grateful to each other for what they do

The principle here is simple: if in the family it is believed that it is unnecessary to thank (but, of course, there is gratitude inside, yes), everyone simply does their own thing, then the child is simply not aware that they will demand something from him in the area of gratitude. If mom doesn’t say thank you to dad for bags of food, and dad doesn’t say thank you to mom for lunch and ironed shirts, then the child naturally won’t say thank you for anything.

This is a ridiculously simple topic, but people need to learn to say polite words in the family, to express gratitude. For the fact that someone made concessions, for signs of attention, for delicacy, for support, for everyday worries. If this is present, no special education is needed; the child will absorb this environment and will have at least a form of gratitude.

- where adults have the conviction that no one owes them anything, and if they receive something, then it is worthy of inner gratitude

You cannot knock out gratitude by force, instill it with fire and sword, so to speak. External gratitude, let’s say, is still possible, but for this the person must be very afraid of you. But internal is not possible at all.

It is also counterproductive to squeeze out gratitude by fueling the child’s feelings of guilt. Some parents use this tactic, sometimes unconsciously, but sometimes very consciously: they tell the child how hard it was for them, what they had to endure and invest in order for him to grow up so good. And the birth was terrible, the mother almost died, and cried all night long, the parents almost went crazy, and was sick and mischievous, and then school started, so many gifts were transferred to teachers, how many were given to tutors... And my father worked five jobs, and my mother dropped out of college. Everything for him! An extreme case known to me: parents sewed on a special piece of fabric all the receipts for all the goods purchased for the child, in order to show the child this material evidence in due time - everything that was spent from the family money on him. To appreciate it means... This case is of course unique, close to psychiatry, but a similar strategy is supported by many parents - to show the child how hard it was for him. Unfortunately, this will not work; the child will only isolate himself from you in response to your outpourings. Yes, the feeling of guilt is unknown for what you will provide him with, but gratitude is not born that way.

A child can appreciate the parents’ sacrifices made for his benefit, but these sacrifices are immediately devalued when they become the subject of self-presentation “We are for you...”. Over time, the child may understand that the mother really worked hard to pay for his studies. Especially if his mother had the strength to come and hug him after work. However, if you make serious sacrifices, you should not count on the child’s gratitude as payment for these sacrifices. You follow your decisions and values by making the decision to sacrifice, there is no need to demand payment. The presence or absence of gratitude does not depend on your exactingness, but on what I wrote about above: on your ability to experience gratitude and the ability to express it. This is what works, and not forcefully knocking gratitude out of the child.

“What should we do anyway?”

“In the end, I still didn’t understand what to do?!” - This is my favorite question, appearing regularly in the comments to articles. If it is not written exactly how to act, then why read, right))))?

Therefore, I will summarize.

The child’s gratitude grows very gradually; it is formed mainly based on interaction in the family. If you find that your 16-year-old child is absolutely ungrateful, then you will not be able to improve this trait quickly. Here you need to accept it as it is and try to build a relationship with him based on the actual state of things, forgetting about gratitude. It is quite possible that it will manifest itself later, if you do not often reproach them for ingratitude.
At a tender age (preschool and primary school), it’s time to instill in your child the ability to be grateful. The development of this quality begins with form and social rituals.
To develop the feeling and behavior of gratitude, you need to explain to your child the idea that expressing gratitude opens the way to good relationships, and ingratitude makes people angry and damages relationships. In the family too.
Teach your child gratitude rituals. Social rituals have many nuances, sometimes you need to thank eloquently, sometimes briefly, and sometimes with one look and a smile or a nod. Tell and show how to thank for a gift (especially one you don’t like), how to express a special attitude to your grandmother, for her care, how to say thank you to dad for a gift and mom for pancakes, how to thank for an outstretched hand and an open door for you.
Pay attention to yourself and try to cultivate a behavior of gratitude, especially in your family. Tell your family how grateful you are more than once a year during a birthday toast.

Express gratitude to your child for the good qualities that he demonstrates: sensitivity, willingness to help, adherence to rules, respect for your boundaries.

Give thanks often and try to do it sincerely.

A special field is gratitude to your parents. If you understand what you are grateful for and express this gratitude, then you will almost certainly raise a grateful child without any “life hacks”.

Please note that internal gratitude is not enough here, it is not enough to be grateful deep down (somewhere very deep), it is important to express gratitude on the surface. Indifference, broken relationships with parents, conflict and neglect towards them are evidence of ingratitude and a direct path to ungrateful children.

6.Try to process the idea that everything you have in life is worthy of gratitude, even the things you take for granted.

A simple exercise: before going to bed, find 10 things for which you can be grateful for the past day and the people you met. (A dangerous sign: if it’s hard to come up with 10 points, it means you have problems with gratitude. In general, if you are sincerely perplexed about what you can thank people close to you for, then this is a problem area, and the problem is not in your loved ones, but in your beliefs).

He who is dissatisfied with little will not be satisfied with anything
Epicurus

It is impossible to simply attach gratitude to a child as an option; it can only be organically conveyed. It is impossible to develop gratitude in a child without fully possessing this property. Subsequently, someday he may learn to be grateful, but this will be without the participation of his parents. Therefore, the main emphasis in developing a child’s gratitude should be on himself, on his ability to be grateful.