The child’s self-confidence, his level of self-esteem and psychological health depend on the parents. The actions and words of adults directly affect the consciousness and personality of the child.
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What words should a mother say to make her child feel happy? There are certain phrases that only a wise mother will tell her child.
Prohibition on personal opinion
“I know better what you need. When you turn 18, then you’ll decide.”
"Shut up"
“As long as you live in this house, you cannot have your own opinion.”
"Because I said so!"
"You're an idiot!"
“What do you think you are?”
“When you grow up, you’ll know”
“I don’t like it - you won’t wear it.”
Why do parents say this?
Parents use these phrases when they want to avoid explanations and avoid discussing certain situations. Because they don’t feel they have the ability, strength or competence to explain themselves to the child.
It’s easier for them to avoid an unpleasant conversation and put an end to it. The child is prohibited from thinking, looking for answers to questions, analyzing a traumatic situation, or finding cause-and-effect relationships.
What does this lead to?
As an adult, a person gets lost when he needs to deal with some problems, make decisions, think. And when the decision is made, he doubts for a long time whether he did the right thing. Sometimes such attitudes even lead to migraines, as if “forbidding” the brain to think.
What to do?
Learn to think. When you find yourself in a situation in which you have to make a decision, but you don’t know what, then pause and look at what is happening from the outside.
Imagine watching a movie and empathizing with the main character. What advice would you give him?
Train your ability to analyze and make decisions.
How to communicate with parents?
When your parents begin to suppress your opinion again, use the following phrases:
- I'll make the decision myself.
- I am well versed in this matter.
- I trust my own thoughts.
Apologize
Children are taught to apologize long before their brains mature enough to actually feel remorse for their wrongdoings. We think this is important because a child who knows how to apologize grows up not only polite, but also empathetic. In fact, this is not the case: no connection has been found between affective empathy and prosocial behavior. To develop empathy and the ability to compassion, you need to teach your child, first of all, not to apologize, but to come to the aid of those whom they have offended. If your child destroys a tower of blocks built by a friend, you need to show him how to help him put it back together. This will help you realize that you can try to correct not the best actions, done not out of malice, and get a positive result. He will learn to use the word “sorry” itself if he hears it from you and other significant adults - relating it to certain situations in his life, and will be able to use it correctly.
Ban on emotions and feelings
"Good girls don't cry"
"Don't cry, don't whine"
“If it’s not sugar, you won’t melt”
"Be smart - shut up"
“I’m patient”
Why do parents say this?
Feelings are forbidden by those adults who are afraid to trust their feelings and do not know how to manage their emotions. They don’t know what to do with strong feelings, they don’t understand how and why they arise, so it’s easier to ban them. Children's feelings frighten them and throw them off balance.
What does this lead to?
In adulthood, a person does not know how to hear himself and understand what he feels, does not respond to body signals, and does not know what he wants. The ban on emotions results in psychosomatic diseases.
What to do?
Ask yourself “What am I feeling? Why? What is my body experiencing?
You can try setting an alarm clock and “scanning” your physical and emotional state every hour. This workout will help you focus on your feelings.
How to communicate with parents?
When they start preventing you from feeling again, use the following phrases:
- I'm upset.
- I am angry.
- I feel that…
- It's not pleasant.
- I have a right to experience this emotion/feel this way.
Ban on relationships
"Your friends are idiots"
"Your boyfriend is an asshole"
"Your boyfriend is a gigolo"
“By the age of 40 you will have 20 cats”
"Who needs you"
“All men are assholes, they only need one thing”
Why do parents say this?
Parents want to control their child, and even more, they want to forever remain the most significant and important people in his life. By prohibiting relationships, parents “eliminate” rivals.
The second motive of parents is to protect their child from pain, disappointment and betrayal in a relationship, especially if they themselves have experienced it.
What does this lead to?
In adulthood, a person is closed from communication, afraid to trust, embarrassed to talk about his feelings, and cannot build close relationships.
What to do?
Learn to communicate. Ask about others' feelings and admit your own. Expand your social circle. And be prepared for different reactions.
How to communicate with parents?
When your social circle starts to criticize again, use the following phrases:
- I hate to hear things like this about...
- Thank you for your concern, but this is my relationship.
- I'm happy in this relationship/I feel good/I'm safe.
- No one claims your role in my life.
The ban on being yourself
“But Katya/Petya/Olya...”
“Other people’s children are like children, but you...”
“No one will marry you like that and you won’t get a normal job.”
“I was your age...”
“You behave like a vegetable, you don’t need anything”
Why do parents say this?
Parents want their child to be perfect - then they can be proud of him. Often this desire arises due to low self-esteem and unfulfilled parents: “even though I didn’t achieve my goals, but I raised an excellent child.”
It seems to parents that with such words they motivate and set them up for success.
What does this lead to?
A person develops an inferiority complex and lacks self-confidence. He will always feel like he is not good enough no matter what he does. He has high standards and high expectations of himself.
What to do?
Allow yourself to be imperfect, lower the bar and accept your shortcomings. Some things cannot be completed, some plans cannot be fulfilled, relax and soberly assess your capabilities.
How to communicate with parents?
When they start demanding perfection from you again, use the following phrases:
- I don't want/won't do this.
- It's not in my best interest.
- I accept my characteristics/opportunities/desires.
Do not Cry
Many of us brought this phrase into parenthood from our own childhood. And if previously no one particularly thought about its influence on the formation of a child’s personality, now its negative effect has been proven by child psychologists. The demand to stop crying is understandable - parents have to listen to screams and wipe away tears every day for a variety of reasons. However, our task is not really to eliminate this annoying noise as quickly as possible, but to give the child confidence that the parents accept his feelings and allow him to express them. After all, crying is a natural reaction that helps a child cope with overwhelming emotions.
As much as it may irritate you to cry over a pancake that wasn't wrapped correctly and isn't orange enough, help your child recognize and name the emotions he's feeling. Instead of “stop crying”, say: “You are sad/you are angry/you are scared” and so on, depending on the situation. It is important to pronounce emotions not with a questioning, but with an affirmative intonation, so that the child understands exactly what he is experiencing right now. In this way, you not only “ratify” his feelings, but also expand his emotional horizons. Yes, it may be difficult for you, a former child who grew up in a typical post-Soviet family, to move from a simple “don’t cry” to naming emotions, but we did not become parents in order to do the same as our mothers and fathers did.
Prohibition on imperfection
“It could have been better”
“Why 99 points and not 100?”
“Why second place and not first?”
“Why three?”
Why do parents say this?
This ban is similar to the previous one and has similar roots. Often such parents demand 100% perfection from themselves and will turn themselves inside out, but will be the best. And their children must be the best, otherwise what is the meaning of their existence?
What does this lead to?
To the desire to always be first and psychological disorders from dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s life.
What to do?
Allow yourself not to finish what you start and not be the best of the best. And also ask yourself “Is this my goal?”
How to communicate with parents?
Use phrases:
- Everything suits me.
- I'm proud of myself.
- I have an excellent result.
The ban on feeling beautiful
“Everyone in the family is fat, because the breed is like that, and you took after us”
“Not everyone can be beautiful; beauty is not the main thing in life.”
“You have elephant legs, you don’t know how to dance, you walk ungracefully.”
"Look at you, pig!"
Why do parents say this?
Often parents really believe that beauty is not the main thing and do not want the girl to rely on her appearance.
But it also happens that the mother subconsciously envies the child’s appearance or does not accept certain features in it (for example, the daughter is very similar to the father who left the family). Then she increases her self-esteem by belittling her daughter.
What does this lead to?
As an adult, a person does not accept his appearance and constantly strives to remake and correct it. He is ashamed of his legs, stomach, nose, pinches and withdraws into himself, which leads to bodily blocks and inability to enjoy life.
What to do?
Pamper yourself, give compliments, buy beautiful clothes, lingerie, feed yourself tasty and healthy food, consider your strengths, do professional makeup and a photo shoot.
How to communicate with parents?
When they start criticizing your appearance again, use the following phrases:
- I hate listening to barbs directed at myself.
- I like my figure/nose/hair.
- Everything suits me.
- I feel beautiful.
Here you see!
Oh, classic parenting vocabulary. "Here you see!" or the even cooler phrase “I told you so!” — pronounced proudly, almost with a victorious intonation, at the moment when your child, to whom you asked not to jump on the freshly washed floor, finally got well and lies on the wet linoleum in tears. Well, look at it from the outside - how are you better now than your screaming child? You are simply shaming him in such an unpleasant and painful situation, instead of calming him down and then discussing the situation in a normal setting. Having a negative experience, such as falling off a sofa, gives the child the opportunity to think and reflect on the incident. Sometimes, however, this has no effect, and they continue to get into trouble. But there’s nothing you can do about it - in any case, you shouldn’t resort to this malicious phrase “You see!” Develop empathy in yourself: just imagine what it’s like for him now, and you’re here with your petty “See!”
Prohibition to go beyond gender
“You’re a girl, but there’s shit in the room - what will people say, your husband will run away, your friends will leave you?”
“Why are you acting like a young man?”
"You must"
“You are the face of the nation, its future, its purity”
“When are the grandchildren?”
Why do parents say this?
Parents have expectations for their daughter. These expectations are historically conditioned: they were formed over centuries and consolidated in the form of a “portrait of an ideal woman.”
What does this lead to?
If the parents are convincing, a “real woman” grows up - one who does not show her feelings, does not talk about true desires, does not contradict and does not strive for something more. In a word - comfortable.
What to do?
Rebel. In the good sense of the word. Allow yourself to do what you want, without regard to the approval of others. Forget about boundaries and remember that we live in a world where it is not gender that matters, but personal qualities.
How long can you repeat?
Do you recognize your parents? And yourself? You do this too, right? But in fact, this phrase is completely meaningless, it is simply a parasite of the parental dictionary. Because you will have to repeat it a hundred times for the rest of your life. And if what you ask for is not fulfilled, it means that the child either did not understand or did not hear you (he, for example, was really, truly passionate about the game), or he simply does not want to do what is asked of him. It's that simple. As if you always want to carry him in your arms and buy him chocolate eggs!
