Unjustified expectations in life and relationships

Symptoms of high expectations syndrome

Such expectations very often become clinical. A person constantly expects some actions from others in response to his merits (which are often understandable and necessary only to him). He also tends to be offended by the whole world if something goes better for others than for him. After all, where is the justice - he worked so much, but his neighbor got the money; I did so much for my children, but they strive in every possible way to get out of control and care; she prepares such pancakes and dumplings for her husband, and her friend, who is not at all friendly with cooking, receives flowers from her husband, etc. There is even such a pathology in psychology - the syndrome of inflated expectations. And you can recognize people who have been affected in some way by this disease by the following signs:

constant anxiety due to anticipation of the results of one’s plans and investments;
sleep disorders and rapid heartbeat, which appear due to being in constant stress of discrepancy between expectations and unfair reality;
sudden mood swings, which will depend on the gifts of fate and the behavior of a partner or loved one;
the need for total control over loved ones, the desire to lead their lives, to give advice, without sparing oneself and one’s own strengths;
excessive concentration on work, as a manifestation of one’s heroic efforts, which certainly should be rewarded by superiors;
excessive concentration on work, as a manifestation of one’s heroic efforts, which certainly should be rewarded by superiors;

True, with such an attitude towards loved ones, there is a high probability of losing friends and remaining completely alone. Because not everyone is ready to change in order to meet other people's ideals and live to achieve the goals of another person.

On the other hand, the person himself, who is so demanding of others, experiences great suffering and experiences real stress when his expectations are not fulfilled. He sincerely views them as a betrayal and is forced to live in a constant struggle with his negative emotions and stress. Such people also experience disappointment from their expectations in other areas besides relationships. All their goals, to put it mildly, look somewhat fantastic. They have no ceiling on ambition at all. They may see themselves as movie stars or TV presenters, strive for a fast and successful career, dream of getting rich quickly, etc. At the same time, they absolutely do not know how to objectively assess their abilities and capabilities, do not have a sense of purpose, and want everything at once. And of course, they are very disappointed when their expectations are not realized. It is very difficult for such individuals to live and enjoy life. After all, such a struggle with oneself and the constant conquest of “closed doors” does not give positive emotions. Having no basis for their dreams and expectations, they are in a state of constant stress, not knowing peace and always trying to subjugate the situation to themselves. But you need, in fact, nothing at all - to realize the reality of your goals, adjust them to your own life circumstances and outline a clear plan for achieving them. And of course, forget once and for all about all the sky-high dreams and benefits that, in their opinion, they rightly deserve.

Block 3. Expectations. Truncated model of the world.

Expectations do not always imply processes of change in the surrounding world that are growing non-stop. If the events that occur do not correspond to the expectations of the subject, the latter may experience a condition known as cognitive dissonance , when a discrepancy occurs between the information received about the state of the environment and its own expectations built into the idea of the environment.

People's expectations are related to the information that is directly available. The total amount of human knowledge significantly exceeds the amount of information that the subject currently has at his disposal. This is due to limitations in the course of physiological reactions in the human central nervous system.

You can read an interesting article about the human brain and consciousness here: Human Consciousness and Brain. 5 characteristics. 13 facts. The science.

And there is a lot of interesting stuff here: Brain and psyche. From Descartes to the Human Brain Project! Scientific approach.

The cognitive model of the world assumes the most complete picture of the world, while expectations are often based on a truncated model of the world. A person can be cognitively competent, i.e. understands a specific issue, but at the moment he is showing stupidity and is unable to resolve the issue in an adequate way. Accordingly, a person’s expectations on the same issue at different moments of his personal life, after mastering knowledge, may differ, both in the overestimated direction and in the underestimated direction. In fact, such a situation as “truncation” of the world model is a very common phenomenon and means that at a given local point this is a personal cognitive model of the world. It is smaller than it was yesterday, for example, but now there is simply no other one, which means expectations are built based on this fact.

The cognitive model of the world is not a constant value, not a static phenomenon, but a constantly changing, dynamic system. At any given time, it is different from its previous version. At the same time, the previous version may be either more complete or less rich. And only the subject’s ability to control his attention, fixing it on perception or thinking, makes it possible to reduce the number of “failures” in the model and avoid “truncated knowledge.”

You can read an interesting article about thinking at the link: What is thinking in cognitive psychology and why is an idea not a thought?

Personal attention is the most powerful and primary resource of help.

Read an article about attention here: What is attention and why do psychologists call it the spotlight of consciousness?

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Problems from childhood

Most often, the position of incorrect expectation is the position of the child. At first he is taught that when you do something good for someone, you will be treated accordingly in return. However, no one explains that such a formula should not work in adult life. After all, in essence, adults are considered adults because they have the right to make their own decisions about how to behave and how to respond to certain actions. But what to do when a child has learned from childhood to please others and adapt to circumstances in the hope that this will make his life happier. This is one of the reasons for the later appearance of inflated expectations and unreasonable demands on the other half. Another format of upbringing is when a child received everything in abundance in childhood. His parents spared no effort in obtaining all the benefits for him, instilling in every possible way that he was the best and, accordingly, worthy of the best. So then such a grown-up child expects blessings and gifts from fate, increased attention to his person, anticipation of desires, etc. He was simply very comfortable with this as a child, and now he will readily entrust the role of his parents to his partner. And he will expect the same favors from him and solutions to all his problems. But no one warned the chosen one that he was not entering into an equal relationship where they sincerely love each other, but became forever obligated for the partner to fulfill all his whims and desires. It is also dangerous to set high standards for children in childhood. This is typical for parents with high expectations. It’s just that in the future these children will also treat their descendants, trying to make all decisions for them - from sports clubs, admission to a university and to choosing a couple. And any deviation will be tantamount to betrayal and bring pain to both participants in the relationship.

If you have to wait for something, it means you are not ready for it yet.

I’ll tell you about periods of waiting that have happened in my life – and they weren’t easy for me. The last one ended when I quit my job in order to devote myself full-time to writing. But this transition did not happen overnight.

Even before I quit my job, I started a blog on Twitter. It was clear to me from the very beginning that this step would change my life. Soon I began to receive various offers - to participate in a reality show, to host a regular radio program. There was even a project to create chocolate under my own brand! But everything, according to my feelings, was “wrong.”

I really wanted to quit the office and devote myself entirely to realizing my dream, but I understood that more work was required to take the idea to the next level. And I waited. She continued to write posts about her life, did not lose hope that everything would change, and, of course, prayed.

More than two years passed before I was able to “weigh anchor.” Oh, how I couldn't wait to do this! I behaved like a child on the way to Disneyland, who every minute asks the elders: “When will we arrive? Have you arrived now?” But there was no answer, I had to learn to wait.

Little did I know then that such a period was simply necessary to prepare, strengthen faith, gather courage for what was to happen in the near future.

We are all waiting for something. Answer, response, reaction. Second try. Phone call, letter. Next step. New job. New love. New start. Try to learn from this difficult stage and learn the art of waiting. If you have to wait for “something”, then you are not ready for that something (whatever it is). This is not punishment, this is maturation.

It doesn't matter what we wait for. What is more important is what happens to us while we wait.

Other reasons for idealism in life

What else can cause high expectations? Of course, examples from films and books . Where all relationships are built correctly and wisely. The heroine loves her partner and makes various concessions for him. And he, like a faithful knight, is also capable of great feats for her sake. And also add a huge amount of advertising showing stories of successful people, or TV shows that tell real life conflicts in which justice triumphs. Just don’t forget that in a movie, everyone knows their role and the entire script. And in life we can only be responsible for ourselves. This means that we can only set demands on ourselves. This means that expectations should be associated only with one’s own personal concepts, actions and deeds.

Women's expectations in relationships

Women's expectations in relationships deserve special words. Remember how in that joke: He invited her to dance, and she already mentally married him and gave birth to three children. Most often this is what happens in life. Roughly speaking, having agreed to dance, the girl has already planned out all the guy’s subsequent actions for the next couple of years: dating, proposal, wedding, children. There's just one thing she forgot to take into account: HE JUST INVITED HER TO DANCE. In life together, everything is more prosaic, but this does not make it much easier. Moreover, if a woman is already in a relationship, she already literally lays claim to her man, obliging him to fully meet her demands. She tries in every possible way to change him to a level that will make her happy. Completely forgetting at this moment that one must also take into account his criteria for happiness in a couple. Initially, partners come together so that they can feel good together. It’s clear that if a girl begins to devote her entire life to her beloved, she will want an appropriate return. But you can’t immediately take offense at your partner. Try to explain to him your vision of happiness, discuss the format of your relationship together, find out from each other what actions and behaviors would make your partner happy. Who knows, maybe you will have to change a lot to fit the desired image. In any case, it is important to understand that your loved one will not be able to endure constant dissatisfaction and reproaches for his attitude towards you for long. Just being around may be enough for him. And your desire to constantly prove your love may be completely alien. Moreover, using methods and methods that you have come up with for yourself. It's even more difficult if a woman loves her man more. She then begins to try to earn reciprocal love, often making big concessions, completely adjusting her life to another person. Many women are ready to quit their jobs, break ties with friends, and move to another city. And they do all this out of great love. But! But at the same time, they also expect a great feeling from the chosen one, which he simply cannot give them. In this case, their idealistic pictures of happy love are more like fairy tales and fantasies than reality. Having put on their rose-colored glasses, they absolutely do not want to objectively look at the cause of a bad relationship, blaming themselves first and then making demands on their partner. As a result, neither of the couple is happy. And here there will always be grievances, showdowns, quarrels and showdowns about who owes what to whom. Let us repeat once again, if you want some other relationship, talk about it with your partner. Not all men can read minds (let’s tell you a secret - no one can!), so if you intend to build happiness with this person, talk about your expectations and together make sure that real life brings pleasure to both.

Block 4. Expectations. Human illusions.

The complexity of the mutual relationship between expectations and the model of the world is easy to notice. Let's look at this with an example.

A wife, in a conversation with a friend, reports that her husband is incorrigible. She confidently believes that she cannot change her husband’s behavior! In her cognitive model, there is precisely such a belief about this phenomenon of the world.

Read an interesting article about persuasion at the link: 20 facts about persuasion and 10 smart ways to convince a person!

Despite this, in specific issues, the wife's expectations are associated with the husband's atypical reaction to the stimulus. For example, her expectations are that her husband, noticing how tired she is, will offer her to cook dinner and clean the apartment. However, such proposals have never been made before. The wife proceeds from the fact that she has already informed her husband many times about the expected behavior and he, in her opinion, is obliged to “wise up” and learn such a simple logical connection. But the “scoundrel” husband does not become understanding, and the wife again finds herself with “shattered” hopes and wastes her “best years” on this “callous” man.

The wife's expectations are determined by her hope that her own cognitive model of the world is erroneous, that a “miracle” will happen. Any “miracle”, in turn, differentiates a cognitive model in which two mutually exclusive ideas called “the impossible is possible” and “the possible is impossible” are actualized at once. Actually, such a model, ironically, can be considered “richer” in its content, although it does not take into account such aspects as generating intentions in one’s husband through the use of communication technologies. The wife is not investing in an effective way to get the desired result in the form of a cooked dinner and a clean apartment with the help of a helping resource - her husband.

And why?

Perhaps she simply does not know how to do this, i.e. not competent.
Perhaps the priority target result for her is to relieve the accumulated negativity and tension, and her husband by default ends up in the role of a “sink.”
Perhaps the wife is playing manipulative games to gain access to confirmation of her importance.
Perhaps the wife fills the “relationship void” or the “etheric void.”
Perhaps this is a combination of several factors.

As a result, the wife’s expectations are illusory not because “the husband is a stubborn and blind man” who cannot be changed, but because in the wife’s model of the world there are no various conceptual images of how to get lunch and cleaning, where responsibility for finding a husband as a resource of help lies entirely with her and not with her husband.

The wife is not aware of the fact that the expected target result in 100% of cases involves the use of alternative methods of behavior by the wife herself, which certainly requires enriching her cognitive model of the world by acquiring additional knowledge in both theoretical and practical formats.

Awareness of personal 100% responsibility for the desired result is an effective attitude that allows you to achieve results in the vast majority of cases. However, this is such a rare phenomenon in the human community that it looks like demagoguery, like a phantom.

Actually, this is why the wife lives her life in endless illusory expectations and is forced to constantly truncate the desired target results, dooming them in advance.

This does not mean that the wife is not happy or is somehow living her life poorly and incorrectly; on the contrary, she may well be satisfied with her life and the results achieved. A cognitive model of the world operating in such a mode does not allow the subject to obtain exceptional results, that’s all. This is not a tragedy for the wife, this is her choice, like the overwhelming number of people!

Implicit and/or explicit expectations of self-deception or deception are very “sweet” expectations, because they do not require responsibility, which is stressful and causes PAIN. And the expectation of not receiving PAIN is already the path to PLEASURE.

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What, in essence, should you expect from others?

It is at least unreasonable to expect any action from someone. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their thoughts and feelings. Why do you think your friend, for whom you have done so much in your life, did not rush to you at night to listen to you about another quarrel with your loved one? Or maybe personal happiness is more important to her? And she chose to stay with her boyfriend, rescheduling your conversation until the morning. And who can blame her for this? You? Has anyone ever asked you for help to the detriment of their own interests? I doubt. So it turns out that by choosing the path of sacrifice and pleasing others, you are making only your own choice. So leave it to others to also make decisions that are right in their opinion. Adults don't owe anyone anything. And even in relationships, in addition to global concepts - fidelity, betrayal, respect - no one should adapt to the other. If you do this, then it is your choice. And most likely you explain your actions and decisions with great love for your chosen one. This means, be honest to the end and give your love free of charge, without demanding anything in return and without creating illusions about reciprocal actions. Then you won’t have to be disappointed, and any beautiful steps of your partner will be joy and pleasure for you.

Be patient and wait for fate's clues

However, in the end it turned out that the producing path was not exactly what I needed. And yet, this opportunity allowed me to enjoy this activity, to touch this amazing world. I think fate made such a zigzag so that I could expand my boundaries, try new things and have fun.

I am very grateful to fate that it deviated from my own plan and allowed me to take root in an area where I cannot fully develop my talents. Instead, prospects opened up before me that I had never imagined.

If the door closes in front of you and the window does not open, then it’s probably time to build a new house. I told you my story so that you know: even those aspirations that you have long given up on and buried deep at the bottom of your soul are capable of rising and blossoming.

Don't let doubts and disappointments kill the sincere aspirations and desires of your heart. Waiting should not lead you astray, but only prepare and strengthen your spirit on the threshold of a new stage in life.

How to move away from expectations and become happy in reality

Letting go of your dreams and expectations and changing your attitude towards others is very difficult. But probably. And for this you should try to make some adjustments to your attitude towards life:

first of all, grow up and objectively look at the world around you and your loved ones;
realize that empty expectations do not always bring happiness to both you and those with whom you associate them;
strive to set real goals in life and gradually move towards achieving them, without expecting help from others or gifts from fate;
do not compare yourself and your partner with others, learn to see the good in every person;
objectively evaluate your actions in relationships - starting from their nature and expectations of return;
accept the fact that all your actions are your choice, and your partner’s duty to you is his choice and his perception of the relationship;
restore inner harmony, forget about grievances and start living in pleasure.

Help from a psychologist to change your expectations

The whole problem is that having changed their partner, people with high expectations do not change themselves at all. As a result, in the next relationship they step on the same rake. Someone let them down again, didn’t help, didn’t do anything. And such a gap between reality and expectations ends for them with the pain of disappointment and a feeling of uselessness and undervaluation. At the same time, many live in such emotions, moving from relationship to relationship, essentially wasting their lives on empty grievances and negative emotions. It is better for such people to seek help from psychologists who begin their work with an awareness of reality. Their main task is to teach you to accept another person as he is. And not the way I would like him to be in someone’s expectations. Along the way, you work through your own desires and actions, and give a truthful assessment of your behavior and your decisions. A psychologist helps you understand your true desires and aspirations, your concepts of happiness and satisfaction from life or relationships. In this case, a complete immersion into the world of another person necessarily occurs. The specialist teaches him to see his values and life priorities, understand the nature of his feelings, and evaluate his capabilities and limitations. As a result, you will be able to accept a person with his pros and cons, learn to love and appreciate him for simply being in your life. Very often, the road to understanding oneself and reality requires great emotional experiences. After all, many people spend their entire lives focused on these expectations. And you will have to reconsider your goals and look for new life priorities and supports. In addition, often such delving into oneself makes one see not very joyful moments. Someone understands that in pursuit of an illusory, idealistic family happiness, they have completely lost love, while for others it will be painful to realize that they were accepted around only because of pleasing and sacrifice. In any case, returning to the point of truth allows you to rethink your life and change it for the better. And the sooner you decide to make such changes, the more time you have to gain pleasure and joy from everyday life with full acceptance of your environment and your awareness of your importance to loved ones. Such a rethinking of your views on life and the abandonment of unrealistic expectations also allows you to finally stop the series of constant disappointments and insults, and will help you transform from an eternally offended and dissatisfied neurasthenic with everything into a harmonious person with a positive attitude towards the world and others. And this is the only way to become happy - by loving yourself as you are, accepting others with their views, concepts and habits, giving your attention free of charge, making your own choices and allowing others to also make decisions on their own. Love yourself and respect others, appreciate the choice of every person, make your own real plans and do not rely on others, go to your happiness, realistically assessing yourself and those around you.

How to survive the waiting period?

Treat the time between two active life phases as an opportunity to observe, learn something, improve some existing skills, for example, in an area in which you have previously succeeded. For example, I continued to develop my copywriting skills because I knew that even if I changed my occupation, this activity would in any case be of great importance to me.
It is not necessary to be completely passive. On the one hand, I was waiting for a sign that would tell me what the next serious step to take. But on the other hand, I continued to meet new people, sent manuscripts to publishers, tweeted daily. Yes, I didn’t change anything radically without a special “sign” from above, and yet I continued, albeit slowly, to move towards my goal.
Find a balance between realizing your dreams and everyday responsibilities. Trust my experience, it won't be easy. I had to work two full-time jobs for two years. But if you have a goal and you are “in love” with it, you will have the strength to at least partially sacrifice your own comfort. You don’t have to give up your hobby just because you don’t have enough money for your daily needs right now. And at the same time, don’t give up the business that gives you your livelihood just because your dream calls and beckons. Need to work? Work! But don't forget to dedicate a couple of hours every evening to investing in the future. Sooner or later, in one way or another, these efforts will be rewarded.

The very pause between the emergence of a strong desire to make a dream come true and its immediate implementation is a key moment. Sometimes the anticipation of an event affects us more than the event itself.

However, not all plans are destined to become reality. There are desires that were born in us only so that we learn patience. Yes, developing trust and faith in your destiny can be painful. But the result is worth it. Because it is only through waiting that we become who we are meant to become.

Waiting should not be considered wasted time. Any delay, any slowdown in the course of events has its own deep meaning.