Why is it difficult to resist silence?
When silence is used as a form of passive aggression , it inevitably damages relationships. With his help, they try to get the other participant in the situation to take some action against his will. The method is very ugly, but it works because it hurts feelings that are difficult to resist. Namely:
Guilt
It can appear even without a real reason. A partner may present you with an unpleasant choice: do what I need, or suffer from guilt . By adding devaluing gestures, a dissatisfied face and rolling his eyes to his words, he can make you feel not only guilt, but also shame.
Fear of the unknown
Often the anticipation of punishment is worse than the punishment itself. Remember how, as a child, you waited for your parents to leave a meeting at school. The feeling of uncertainty and dependence on the emotional state of another person is exhausting. And often we are ready to fulfill the demands of the manipulator in order to quickly get rid of this condition.
Fear of Rejection
Silence is destructive because it conveys the thought “you are so bad that I am ready to refuse to communicate with you.” Deep down, a person wants to be loved and needed by someone. Being ignored makes one feel rejected. By breaking the silence even to the detriment of his interests, he gets rid of the feeling of abandonment.
Ignoring as a manifestation of a passive-aggressive reaction
Silence can have many meanings, some of which are truly cruel. Stopping a conversation with someone is consistent with passive-aggressive behavior. It means a challenge, an attack; but at the same time the person acts implicitly. So he seems to be showing aggression; but on the other hand, there seems to be nothing to blame him for. It is worth noting that in most cases this attitude equates to direct aggression. And in some cases it is even more dangerous, because silence is emptiness, and emptiness, as we know, is subject to any interpretation.
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Silence in a relationship can also make the other person feel angry. And this will be a natural reaction to being ignored by another - especially when it comes to loved ones. In this case, silence can end in a loud scandal, and even a complete break in relationships, no matter how close and dear people are to each other.
What is the benefit of silence to the one who initiated it?
A person who manipulates silence wants to gain control over their partner. When the victim of passive aggression gets tired of being ignored and wants to get rid of the feeling of rejection and lack of love, she will agree to the conditions presented. The habitual “Love must be earned” setting, which is familiar to many, will be activated.
Having a working tool of manipulation at hand, a silent person will be able to remake his partner to suit himself, force him to act against his principles. In the short term this may have an effect. But any changes obtained this way will not last long. The partner will sooner or later stop responding to manipulation or completely break off the connection.
Motives
There are many arguments that say it is a good idea to stop talking to someone. Ultimately, the purpose of this is to punish the person and make him reflect on his actions or inactions. But why not say it instead of relying on silence. The main reasons are:
- It is preferable to stop talking to the person rather than engage in a discussion in which both only exchange insults.
- When a person doesn't listen. That is, there were attempts to explain ourselves, but they did not bring any results. And then it’s better not to say anything.
- Expecting an apology for any wrongdoing. That is, until a person asks for forgiveness, they do not talk to him.
In all these cases, it is obvious that silence is the best option for maintaining and deepening the conflict. For one reason or another, the word proved ineffective. Therefore, the decision was made to stop talking to someone so that this would be understood as a punishment, and, consequently, the other person would reconsider his attitude towards the problem.
What to do if your partner is silent
Here are some approaches:
- Literally voice what is happening. Try, without including emotions, to find out what is happening. “You talk to other people, but you don't talk to me. What do you feel? What happened? How do you see this and what are you trying to achieve?
- Establish contact non-verbally. Perhaps the silent person has already “cooled down” and is ready to communicate, but it is difficult for him to take the first step or say something out loud. You can try to discuss it in the messenger or touch it and see the reaction.
- Mind your own business. If silence is not used as passive aggression, then over time the person will calm down and make contact himself. If this is manipulation, then it will lose its meaning when the victim stops reacting to it (begging, deserving forgiveness, etc.). Thus, the manipulator himself will be responsible for his decision: he wanted to interrupt contact, his right, let him remain silent. When he wants to hear his interlocutor again, he will contact him. At this time you will take a break from negative influences from the outside.
When there is silence
Building a dialogue with someone is not always easy, especially when there is a conflict that seems to have no solution. However, if, instead of directly addressing the topic, you decide not to sort things out, not to try to make contact, then additional tension is created. Unresolved disputes add uncertainty that can become a real toxic tangle. However, many are not interested in resolving the conflict through dialogue. Ultimately, they want the other to submit to their point of view, so they use silence as punishment. Ultimately, this is a childish attitude, and the worst aspect is that it leads to nothing other than simple selfish gratification.
Positive use of silence - beyond situations of ignoring
It is also true that sometimes it is better to remain silent. For example, when there is a reason for joy or anger. In anger, the temptation to exaggerate events, to hurt someone else, rather than to find out what really is, increases. In this case, there is nothing better than giving up defending your point of view. In such circumstances, silence is the most reasonable solution. Conversely, as already mentioned, refusing to talk to punish another person, encouraging them to “give up” rarely brings good results. Sometimes you have to face the challenge of expressing anger without hurting others. The solution is not to stop talking, but to seek and find ways to build bridges to understanding.
Dialogue is always better than silence
The absence of words may yield to another, but this does not mean that the conflict has disappeared completely and forever. On the other hand, it may happen that this does not happen, no points of contact are found and the snowball turns into an avalanche. It would be enough to look for better terms of dialogue or another way to express your feelings, fears, disapprovals. Creating a familiar, warm and loving environment helps renew communication. Sincerity, coming from the heart, expressing one's feelings and experiences, is a formula that never fails. So in cases where a relationship with a person is dear, you should not refrain from speaking. It’s better, at the very least, to find out mutual claims and try to satisfy them.
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Silence can be useful, but it is rarely so
On the other hand, stopping communication with someone can sometimes work. Feeling punished by silence, the person reacts by returning to apologize, making promises to change something, to do or not to do. As a rule, the strategy of silence “works” in the case when your counterpart is really seriously guilty of something.
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However, sometimes this behavior ends up developing small grievances that can grow. Rarely does silence ease the underlying conflict or bring about resolution.
Silent means consent
Silence is the language of God. Everything else is a bad translation
Rumi
In the modern world there is no place for divine silence, no matter how you look. It’s not worth even listing the examples that fill our lives. It is worth talking not so much about examples, but about the fact that we live under a sound bombardment of words and melodies. There is no escape from it, you know that yourself.
However, the ancient practice, known since the time of Shakyamuni Buddha - Vipassana - is aimed precisely at ensuring that a person connects with his inner essence, finds himself, ending internal debates with himself, putting an end to the internal conflict of the individual through the practice of conscious attention and meditation.
A 10-day Vipassana course is designed for a person to completely immerse himself in his inner world. In order for this to be possible, you will plunge into an environment of silence and seem to stop living for the outside world. During the course, you stop using all means of communication, from a mobile phone to verbal exchange of information.
Allowing yourself to meet yourself, feeling inner silence, is a great luxury in a world where movement does not stop for a minute, where everything works according to the law vanitas vanitatum et omnia vanitas (vanity of vanities - all is vanity). You will discover the beauty of the Vipassana course, at least once in your life you will meet who you really are, regardless of your profession, status, education and other things. Who you are and what you live for - the answer will come in silence, and you will simply know.
In the lives of the Buddha it is described that he expressed his consent by silence. Perhaps this well-known expression came from him.
Day of Silence
Real knowledge cannot be expressed in words: this once again emphasizes the futility of explanations that psychologists or “gurus” of spiritual practices try to give. To understand this, you need to live the experience of discovering spiritual knowledge yourself. You can experiment at home for fun and do a kind of spiritual fast - remain silent for one day. This is a very interesting experience, similar to living in darkness during the day. You are blindfolded, and you must immerse yourself in a world where the sensory experience gained through the organs of vision ceases to be dominant and sensations associated with other senses come to the fore. You learn a lot of new things about the world and yourself.
So it is here: by taking a temporary vow of silence, which in yoga practice is known as “mouna”, and the person practicing it is called “muni”, you go through a stage that can be called the border between the worlds. You have never consciously immersed yourself in silence, a space free of words. This will be one of the most powerful experiences in your life that will impact your soul.
Mouna practice
Smart people do not so much seek solitude as they avoid the fuss created by fools
Arthur Schopenhauer
The great Gandhi practiced mouna once a week, when he devoted time to reflection and contemplation. Many extraordinary individuals have a craving for solitude in order to restore temporary balance between life for society and for themselves.
If you want to spend more than one day in silence and meditation, and you have time to take a 10-day Vipassana course, then this will be ideal, as you will learn controlled breathing and meditation techniques at the same time. From the point of view of human bioenergy and the chakra system, during the practice of silence you accumulate energy in the fifth chakra, Vishuddha, which is responsible for creativity and related insights; The throat chakra also stimulates the process of verbal and sound communication.
We usually exploit this resource ruthlessly by constantly communicating; This is especially known to lecturers, teachers and other specialists whose activities involve the exchange and transmission of verbal information. Having completed even a shortened path - a two-day Vipassana course in the Moscow region or a three-day course in St. Petersburg - you will be enriched with an experience that will change your life. These are not just words. Course participants call this process a transition, dividing their lives into “before” and “after.”
Is it worth reading philosophical works in search of the meaning of life or attending lectures on the topic of self-improvement, because the knowledge is already within you. You just need to let them manifest by hearing the silent language of eternity.
Silence: the meaning of the word
The etymology of the word "silence" is ambiguous. On the one hand, we know that the origin of the word “silence” - from the Old Russian “mjalchati” - is identical in meaning to the modern version; on the other hand, the word "silence" is phonetically similar to some Irish, Greek and Lithuanian verbs meaning "shallow" or "numb from the cold."
It is definitely difficult to conclude with which languages this word has an internal connection. However, if we take into account the fairly popular hypothesis that the Russian language lies at the basis of all other languages - and not Sanskrit at all, as is commonly believed - then many etymological questions will disappear by themselves.
Moving from the linguistic sphere to the psychological, we can say that the importance of silence cannot be overestimated. We have become too confident in verbal omnipotence. The art of oratory has long been extolled. No one will deny the undoubted talents of people who can inspire their compatriots to achieve accomplishments with just one word. Wars and peace were concluded through verbal agreements, and the role of diplomacy as the art of conducting a conversation, influencing the interlocutor, has not been canceled.
Taking these factors into account, we should pay more attention to the art of silence, if only because its effect is healing for the body and soul.
