Statuses for VKontakte: a large selection of the newest phrases!

Statuses can tell others a lot about the user.
I love humor and that’s why I write my favorite joke in my status. And someone points out wisdom about the eternal. Another likes the music and leaves a comment about his favorite artist. Statuses really expand and make the VK page come alive, which is why they are so popular. When a guy wants to tell everyone that he is actively searching, he definitely sets up some kind of fashionable speech that attracts the attention of girls.
Girls do the same if they want to attract the attention of their stronger half. We scoured the entire Internet up and down, and as a result we managed to put together a selection of the latest statuses for VK. Use it and achieve success. VKontakte status is a short phrase placed next to the nickname (name) and reflects the current state of the user.

Short statuses in VK

Brevity is the soul of wit. An intelligent person prefers brevity in everything and the status for VK should be appropriate:

Statuses often have a double meaning - and this is their real strength. A catchy status can work wonders. If a person accidentally visits your page and likes your status, he will most likely tag you, remember you and will look for you in the future. In general, a competent status is the key to popularity for VK.

By the way, we recently discussed how to find out who visited my VK page - I recommend everyone to read it. You will learn a lot of useful things.

And here are a few more short statuses from life:

1. More promises reduce trust
2. Nobody wants to be lonely. Even in heaven
3. No one has ever returned from a trip the same as before.
4. A forgotten thought always seems important
5. Sleep won't save you if your soul is tired

For those who want to show themselves in the most advanced image, laconic statuses with meaning are perfect:

• Be like a lotus: it blooms even in muddy water
• He who gives to the poor will not become poor
• Take care of yourself, but don't forget to leave something for posterity
• A man without a will is like a knife without steel
• When things go wrong, don't follow them
• If you want to see a rainbow, be prepared to get rained on

Cool statuses

No matter how much bad things they say about me, I always have something to add. 32

Nothing limits your actions like the phrase “do what you want”... 98

Guys get jealous when they love you. Girls are jealous even when they don't love you. 66

Can't find an approach to me? Go around! 148 - cool statuses

Comrade, let’s go check out the cash... 32

Nothing strengthens faith in a person more than 100% prepayment. 50

If you know exactly who is to blame, don’t give yourself away. 61

I walk with my eyes closed and a smile from ear to ear, towards my future happiness, through a field of rakes... 70

From the statement: “How do I feel…” Crossed out. “How I did you all...” Crossed out. “Yes, you all should go to...” Crossed out. “Please grant me another vacation.” 49

Dear Money! I miss you very much. I promise to buy you a new wallet. If you want, you can invite your relatives from Europe or America, I won’t object. I will accept everyone! 53

I want chronic health, progressive happiness, recurring success, hypertensive salary, and an eternally pregnant wallet without the threat of miscarriage!))) 49

The best way to test a guy’s loyalty is to ask the sleeping person in the morning the question: “Will you go to yours or will you stay with me?” 48

According to statistics, the phrase “How huge he is!” Most often heard by a spider. 80

Briefly about yourself: Year of manufacture 1991, Mileage 20, Light color, Height 162, Lights blue, Documents on hand, Tuning present, Body not damaged, not rusty, Roof in place, but no brakes. All options, I start with half a turn. 19

You can’t look in the mirror when you eat - you’ll eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s generally better not to hang a mirror in the toilet... 45

Sex is when he wants, erotica is when she wants, porn is when both want. 53

If you don’t have the money to change your wardrobe, change your job! For the new team, all your old clothes are new. 64

Flowers should be for no reason... Happiness should be unique... The house should be warm... The weather - and it doesn’t matter what the weather is! But love should be mutual. 42

All people bring happiness - some by their presence, others by their absence) 63

What would I give to a person who has everything? I would punch him in the jaw. 26

If men knew what women were thinking, they would court twenty times more boldly. 42

Only nesting dolls can live soul to soul. 75

I need to call my mom and tell her where I am. - Hello, mom? Where I am? 44

The little boy was watching porn. I didn’t understand the movie, but I was sweating a lot. 26

The main thing is that they are waiting for you at home, and not waiting for you 33

Chocolate tastes twice as good if you can't have it) 49

The Lord protects us all. But the shelf life is different for everyone. 24

I am protected by the great ancient Egyptian god of peace and tranquility - DANUNAH. 47

Every day those around me prove to me that life without a brain is real. 58

No one will die a virgin: life will fuck us all. 52

Cool statuses for BKontakte

If you are on VKontakte, you definitely need to stand out somehow. Cool statuses will just help you with this:

Agree that humor lifts your spirits. A person who looks at your page will be sincerely surprised if something has changed. And this short entry under your name can sound proud, cheerful and tasteful at the same time. Evoking sympathy. What else do you need from a VK page? That’s why funny VKontakte statuses are so popular:

• Love your enemies and they will go crazy trying to understand what you are up to.
• If you hate, it means you've been defeated
• Strong people speak to your face, weak people speak behind your back.
• The quiet speech of the wise is heard louder than the cry of the ruler of fools

Popular statuses for VK

The social network VK.com is the most visited site on the Runet. There are pages of literally all active people here. To always stay on trend, you need to put a popular status on your page:

The more popular a status is, the more likely it is to increase your social media profile. It is no coincidence that stars have such luxurious statuses. Most often, special copywriters, image makers and PR specialists work on them. Here are the latest masterpieces from this area:

1. A wise man always remembers his friends, but a fool only when he needs them
2. He who is dissatisfied with little does not deserve more
3. It's better to ask and look stupid for a few minutes than to remain silent and remain stupid for the rest of your life.
4. The highest science is to be wise, and the highest wisdom is to be kind.
5. If you don’t want your enemy to reveal your secret, then don’t even reveal it to a friend.

Silent days are needed to hear yourself

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Strive for wisdom, not knowledge. Knowledge is the past and wisdom is the future

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You are the master of your words until you speak them. When they were expressed, they are your masters

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Don't judge someone else's past without knowing your future

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The enemy is dangerous when he seems defeated

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Go against the wind and let them spit in your back

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Before you love, learn to walk in the snow without leaving traces

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Cool and funny statuses (300 statuses)

A happy and cheerful person always recharges you with energy, he invigorates and cheers you up. My soul feels good and life no longer seems so sad and dreary. And such is human nature that you want to share your emotions with everyone, and this is very easy to do through the Internet, namely through social networks. Below are cool and funny statuses.

It’s always like this: if you say something good, you’ll jinx it, if you say something bad, you’ll scoff!

Never ridicule your wife's choice. She chose you too.

I'll give you a condom, give it to your parents and tell them not to do this again!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a good eye opener.

Tonight the thermometer knocked on the window and asked to be let into the house.

The past was calling, asking for the future...

My cat lives by the principle: “I’m tired of eating and sleeping.” And throughout the day he puts commas in different places.

As long as I'm single, I can do whatever I want! And when I get married, then my husband will also do what I want...

Don’t have a hundred friends... but have all your enemies!

He who has plenty of teeth laughs well!

Breakfast got stuck in my throat after reading the inscription on the package - “EAT POOR.”

Most of my actions end with the question “What for?”

Swearing is bad. This makes us weaker. Instead, you can say: “What phallic symbol do you want from me?”, “Get away from me!”

When life gives a crack, the optimist steps over it, and the pessimist falls into it!

Cool status: The art of fucking your own brain is called conscience.

Nothing adorns a person more than friendship with one’s own head.

It’s like, it happens that you’re walking with a full mug of fucking hot tea, you’re afraid of tripping and you’re looking at your feet... and not at the person who’s fucking running towards you...

Having won the hand of your beloved, you will constantly feel it in your pocket.

Never make a person chewing a cookie laugh... wait until he starts drinking tea.

I have a non-aggression pact with my conscience: it doesn’t gnaw at me - I don’t have it.

Everyone has “shura-mura”, “shpil-vili”, but I have some kind of solid “fly-fly!”

I used to love summer, but then I realized that summer could be at any time of the year, if only I had money... Now I love money.

When gluing wallpaper, the main thing is that there are no bubbles. And then... we somehow took two bubbles...

If you suddenly notice the falling Glonass satellite, you can safely make a wish...

Do you know why there is a grandmother sitting in a booth at the bottom of the escalator in the subway???………she’s there spinning the pedals

Do you also think that when they write to you without emoticons, they communicate with you rudely, and when they put exclamation marks, they also yell at you?

I ask people who think that I don’t like them to respond. If possible, I will come and share...

A girl with a future should avoid men with a past.

Yesterday on the bus some asshole climbed into my bag, I didn’t notice at first, in the evening I open the bag - he’s sitting.....

Anger is a state when the tongue and hands work faster than the brain.

The sun, air and water will never help!!! Only SEX and IMPORTANCE strengthen the body!!!

You can build a house, raise a son, but one day you fail to hammer a nail in the house - and that’s it, you’re no longer a man.

Do you know why the butt is divided in half vertically and not horizontally? Yes, so that it doesn’t clap while running!

When it gets dark outside the windows, you invariably understand that the morning will dispel everything itself, as soon as the sun shines!

I bought tea for weight loss. Nothing goes wrong with the cake...

A brick that once falls on your head must be used as a step to rise higher...

An incident in paradise: - Lord, atheists are coming to you. - Tell them I'm not here.

People often remain lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

When choosing between Vasilisa the Wise and Elena the Beautiful, the experienced Ivan Tsarevich always chooses Marya the mistress.

A girl in high heels will run away faster in emergency situations than a guy in sneakers...

And so, we are broadcasting live football "Manchester" - "Spartak" score 13: 0 But "Spartak" does not despair because it is only the 3rd minute of the match.

Vodka is not a drink, it is the fuel on which the whole country runs.

I keep my own farm - two cows, pigs, sheep, geese and ducks are still there, in small things. Tell me how to improve relations with neighbors below?

Ussuri tigers refuse to breed for money, declaring that they are ready to do this only for love!

I look at you and am surprised, you are a healthy closet, but the counter is empty!

Mutual politeness is when you start typing a text on VKontakte, you see that your interlocutor is also typing, you erase yours to listen to him, and he does the same.

Only in Russia, the ass is not a part of the body... but an event! And the Complete Ass is actually a complex of events!

Don’t regret what happened, don’t guess what will happen - take care of what you have!

Why the hell do you need a man at home if he can’t even fix a vibrator?!

A phone number dialed by mistake is never busy.

A seventh-grader's mother found a sadomasochism kit in his backpack... A family council is meeting in the kitchen about this. Father: Well, as I understand it, flogging is useless.

The main thing is that your loved one suits you. Not scandals...

The mind is like a bust. You have to have it, but you shouldn’t stick it out.

You men are strange, where is your logic? First you ask nonsense, and then you are surprised by similar answers...

- Mom, I'm getting married! - Oh, how glad I am! - She's a black woman. - Well, we are not racists! - And she has 4 children. - We love children! - And we have nowhere to live. — Come to our 1-room apartment! - How will we live? - You are in the room, and dad is in the kitchen. - And where are you? - And now I’ll hang myself.

For an optimist, life is not a problem, but a solution.

Few people know how koloboks reproduce. They climb into the bottom of the barrel and scratch there!

All people come into our lives for a reason. Some bring happiness, while others bring experience and tempered character.

Are you talking about me behind my back? Well, while you're still there, kiss my ass at the same time.

Confronted with Admiral Inevitability, Captain Obvious was forced to submit...

What do people do when their lights are turned off? That's right, they run to the window to see which other houses have had their electricity cut off!

Experienced traffic cops know that courage, honor and bravery of a driver are three signs and three components of alcohol intoxication.

If you go out into the yard at night, lie down and look at the starry sky for a long time through a colander, you can see the face of an emergency doctor.

I love the word "Hello". Combined with the phrase “How are you?”, it makes me indescribably delighted. And if you add “What are you doing?”, I just go into ecstasy

The nervous one is not the one who taps his fingers on the table, but the one who is annoyed by it.

Heroes are needed where there is a shortage of professionals.

I have a grand plan. - Well, take it out, let's smoke.

You don't have to be afraid to be a fool. Everyone around us is our own.

They say it's bad luck to use your iPhone to illuminate a dark alley.

As long as you have legs, the road does not end; as long as you have a butt, something HAPPENS to it!!

Don't tell me to go to hell - it's not their fault.

You can't help your grief with tears, but you can achieve a lot...

Mutual politeness is when you start typing a text on VKontakte, you see that your interlocutor is typing, you erase yours to listen to him, and he does the same.

The world belongs to optimists! Pessimists are just spectators!

– Do you have a zest? - Oh, I have a lot of them. I'm practically a cupcake!

I love coming to the school playground and watching the hectic running of the children with their crazy screams and screams. How do they, foolish ones, know that I shoot blanks?

They lived happily ever after, but never met.

For Russian women, anger makes their breasts rise better than silicone.

Honey, you have two towels marked “M” and “F” hanging in your bathroom. I wiped myself with the mark “F”, because “M” is for men? - No, “M” is for the face.

Why is it that when a person talks to God it is prayer, but when God talks to a person it is schizophrenia?

The grandchildren of a 120-year-old grandmother freaked out and decided to buy an apartment themselves.

Statuses on social networks are an excellent form of communication, with the subtext “Think about it, is this not for you”!?

The worst drug is ass. Absolutely everyone sits on it.

My eyes didn’t betray me, but my heart beat.

If you're not in the mood, eat some chocolate! If it doesn’t help, wash it down with cognac!

Gentlemen, the future is yours. Move away.

Miracles don't happen, but bullshit happens regularly.

Intuition is the ability of the head to smell from behind.

Have you been called an angel? Or maybe you're just a miracle in feathers?

Alcohol is something that never betrays its fans.

Did two things at once. I opened the mineral water and washed the keyboard.

If someone offends you, don’t sulk, don’t get angry.

One girl has 386 close friends on VKontakte. Fuck, I can’t even name 10.

Come, hit me in the face, step back and smile!

My boy is so good! He doesn’t drink beer with friends, doesn’t yell at me, doesn’t swear, and isn’t jealous at all! - You poke it at him. He's basically dead.

We are given a soul and a body, a world and the contours of destiny. Everything is given... But in black and white, and we color it!

The status has been deleted until the thoughts are ethical, censorship and politically correct...

Global warming threatens the Earth and requires a large amount of money.

Eat three chebureks and collect a cat. Eat four chebureks and collect... CAT!!!!

They say that books are not needed at all now - everything is on the Internet... And what, one wonders, can be used to prop up a wobbly table?! Yandex?!

Have you noticed that when a person tells you “Fuck you!”, he usually leaves!

- Doctor, you all lied to me about the disease and the treatment... - Well, I’m not a doctor, but a doctor!

I feel like I'm 18 years old! But I can’t prove it.

Mmm... what beautiful eyes are reading this status... Oooh... and what a beautiful smile appeared..)))

Don't ask for advice! Because my sense of humor is stronger than my sense of pity

They just don't look each other in the eye.

Don’t regret the past - it didn’t spare you!

I don’t need someone else’s, but I’ll take what’s mine - no matter who it is!

Childhood is a time when you don’t use swear words...

Life is a zebra. Walk along the white stripe and you will get a sea of ​​positive emotions...

Hand on heart, it’s hard to resist squeezing your chest.

More bad news for pessimists. According to the latest Dutch research, optimists live longer.

You will know a lot, you will become so fucking smart!

A deer's dream is a sweater with people on it.

Work, work, switch to idiot.....

Lips in a bow, eyebrows like a house... again mixed rum with gin and tonic...

I didn’t even think about love... But you leaned in so opportunely!

All these earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions... Does the Earth even know that there are people on it?

It's definitely time for me to see an eye doctor! I walk into the store and my eyes widen... I look at the prices and my eyes widen... I look in my wallet and don’t see a damn thing at all.

Our store has everything you want but cannot buy.

My belly is growing, maybe someone lives there?! No! The test reassured me that someone was just eating a lot.

Popular wisdom says that being online does not mean wanting to answer...

If the road has been repaired, it means the pipes will soon be replaced.

Love also has autumn, and the one who has forgotten the taste of the kisses of his beloved knows it...

Until you tell a person that he smells bad, the person will continue to smell bad; Until you tell a person that he is slurping loudly, the person will continue to champ; Until you tell a person that he is a fool, you will never know that you yourself are one.

Stop worrying, live as you please!

Do you love someone else? Well, a flag in your hands, a drum on your neck, an ax in your back, an electric train to meet you.

If he doesn’t know how to love and doesn’t value you at all, leave without looking back at the past, you’re too good for him

I would send you, but I see you from there...

If they spit in your back, it means you are ahead!

A woman’s place is in the kitchen... where she sits in a comfortable chair, legs up, drinks wine and watches her husband prepare dinner...

Life is a game in which the rules change so quickly that it often turns into a game without rules.

Truth of life: As soon as you find your soul mate, other halves start wandering around and make you doubt.

And only in Russia can a person come to the traffic police to get his license while driving his own car!

A properly thrown man returns like a boomerang.

It's better to have big flaws than small virtues.

This is how you carry for 9 months, then you give birth for at least 6 hours, then you don’t get enough sleep at night, and you see, he looks like DAD!

Yesterday I washed my jeans... Now I have clean jeans, two clean non-working lighters and a little experience in money laundering.

Winter is that time of year when you stop walking like a woman and start walking like a penguin.

I ask people who think that I don’t like them to respond. If possible, I will come and share...

Verse: The hare went out to relieve himself, and froze to the wall with his need.

I found my place in life, but it’s taken...

Turn off the lights! Let's get acquainted.

- Stop sitting without money! — I thought and lay down.

“Children, have you read “War and Peace”?” Silence... One guy with dumbfounded eyes: “Why did you have to read it???” Teacher: “Well, yes... -And I rewrote it!!!”

A woman can endlessly look at several things: a fur coat she likes in a store window, diamonds, and how her friend is getting fatter.

The birch tree cried, the aspen cried, only the hemp neighed like a beast

Positive thinking is when you fell down the stairs and think: “Wow... How quickly I went down!”

I take back my words, I came up with something more offensive...

I know that I will open my soul to the one who will be strong, like me, who can hear me, and not listen to me, to the one who can feel me!!!

I haven’t removed the Christmas tree for five years... Saving money, time and resources of the planet. And, most importantly, the mood is always high, and a reason to drink is always winking like a garland in the corner.

In the summer we have global warming, in the winter there is an ice age, and in October we launch the collider.

Are they talking about you behind your back? Rejoice, you now have free PR managers.

If you've had untouched beer in your refrigerator for several days, you're touched.

The Sofa crew welcomes you and wishes you a pleasant stay!

There are officials who are not for sale. But they can be ordered.

I'm neither a night owl nor a morning person. Judging by my regular lack of sleep, I am an angry crank bear.

Do you like coffee in bed in the morning, but are you lonely? A team of experienced movers will deliver you and your bed to any cafe in our city.

The most unidentified object is a woman's handbag

Nothing spoils my nervous system more than everything.

In any weather, at any time, in any situation - everything will go wrong!

Sclerosis is a wonderful disease! Nothing hurts, but every day there is news!

At night, thieves entered Vitali Klitschko's apartment and endured all the beatings, fear, pain and humiliation

If you know a lot, you will be very upset.

A woman never lies, she just doesn’t remember what she said a minute ago...

Don’t ask what I found in him... it was as if I hadn’t lived before him...

The most terrible opponent in a fight is a sportsman-runner. If you are more rural, you will not catch him, if he is, you will not run away from him

The most optimistic person is the one who uses his last money to buy the most luxurious and large wallet.

The best toastmaster - a box of vodka

A person finds time for everything he really wants.

I went on a diet, gave up alcohol, stopped eating at night and lost 2 weeks in 14 days

Female friendship is like a treasure: it needs to be found, but sometimes it’s better not to dig it up!

Ministry of Health warns: smoking kills cigarettes

No ICQ can replace real human communication on Skype!

Don’t make me angry, there’s already nowhere to hide the corpses!.. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, in fact there are plenty of places.

One head is good, but two is already ugly.

I don't suffer from madness...I enjoy it...

Everyone has their own recipe for happiness. I have a sign on my ceiling: “Tomorrow I’ll start running in the morning.” Every morning I wake up, see the inscription and think: “Eh, good thing it’s not today”!!

A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who managed to find such a man.

I'm like an echo - what a click, what a response...

That’s how it is... in childhood we want to seem like adults, and when we become adults, we want to be children again...

If you don't call today, I will. And not for you...

It seems to me that there are 28 days in February because someone really wanted spring

An optimist is the one you send... and he, damn it, comes back rested and with a refrigerator magnet... bastard

A woman should have everything beautiful: her soul, her thoughts, and everything you just thought about... And both...

The dignity of a man is the decency of his girlfriend.

It's too early for me to have children. I'm not mentally ready to buy a kinder surprise and give it to someone.

You can’t be fluffy for everyone - they’ll take you to your collars!

Of course, I’m not a marshmallow person, but I also don’t mind being covered in chocolate.

Experience increases our wisdom, but does not decrease our stupidity.

I hate washing my face when I feel sleepy. I'm afraid that I'll wash away the “sleepy” mood.

Beauty is a terrible force, especially when combined with a cunning butt.

Only crap comes on its own. You have to dive for pearls.

Many people think that if a girl is not in the mood, then she has problems... In fact, if your girl is not in the mood, then you have problems!

I know languages: Kazakh, Belarusian and Ukrainian at the level of an air freshener...

Dream like you're going to live forever!

I don’t know who writes the script of my life, but he has a sense of humor...

Your head is always responsible for where your butt sits.

No matter how much bad things they say about me, I always have something to add.

Optimists differ from pessimists in that the former are convinced that there is no death, and the latter are convinced that there was no life.

Nothing limits your actions like the phrase “do what you want”

"Speak while you're angry, and it will be the best speech you'll regret."

Guys get jealous when they love you. Girls are jealous even when they don't love you.

I am the kindest person in the world. If there is someone kinder, I will kill him and again become the kindest!

Can't find an approach to me? Go around!

You have no idea how difficult it is to be an enemy! You can't even take a nap!

Comrade, let’s go check out the cash...

Don't ask for advice! Because I have a more developed sense of humor than a sense of pity!

Nothing strengthens faith in a person more than 100% prepayment.

Professional success is not money or a high position. This is when in the office you sit with your back to the wall))

If you know exactly who is to blame, don’t give yourself away.

Where can you find someone who understands, loves, appreciates, calls, worries?

I walk with my eyes closed and a smile from ear to ear, towards my future happiness, through a field of rakes...

I don't care about money! They calm me down.

From the statement: “How do I feel…” Crossed out. “How I did you all...” Crossed out. “Yes, you all should go to...” Crossed out. “Please grant me another vacation.”

Until I found out what they were saying about me, I would never have thought that I live such an interesting life!

Dear Money! I miss you very much. I promise to buy you a new wallet. If you want, you can invite your relatives from Europe or America, I won’t object. I will accept everyone!

Never offend or try to lie to the person who looks into your eyes and sees his life in them..

I want chronic health, progressive happiness, recurring success, a hypertensive salary, and an eternally pregnant wallet without the threat of miscarriage!)))

At night, the husband unexpectedly returned from a business trip, saw that his wife was sleeping alone, was surprised and went back on a business trip.

The best way to test a guy’s loyalty is to ask the sleeping person in the morning the question: “Will you go to yours or will you stay with me?”

I won’t adjust the crown, the halo doesn’t interfere

According to statistics, the phrase “How huge he is!” Most often heard by a spider.

In the Middle Ages, people were not afraid to do harm to each other. The earth wasn't round after all))

Briefly about yourself: Year of manufacture 1991, Mileage 20, Light color, Height 162, Lights blue, Documents on hand, Tuning present, Body not damaged, not rusty, Roof in place, but no brakes. All options, I start with half a turn.

I want to love and be loved... okay, I love to love, all that remains is to be loved...

You can’t look in the mirror when you eat - you’ll eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s better not to hang a mirror in the toilet at all...

The Chinese do not have the word “changed”, but they have the word “confused”...

Sex is when he wants, erotica is when she wants, porn is when both want.

If you want to get what you never had, become what you have never been.

If you don’t have the money to change your wardrobe, change your job! For the new team, all your old clothes are new.

A boy makes his girlfriend jealous of other girls, a man makes other women jealous of his.

Flowers should be for no reason... Happiness should be unique... The house should be warm... The weather - and it doesn’t matter what the weather is! But love should be mutual.

The tragedy of men: some women are not to their liking, others are too tough, and still others are beyond their means!!!

All people bring happiness - some by their presence, others by their absence)

Normal people wake up in the morning, but I rise up...

What would I give to a person who has everything? I would punch him in the jaw.

I decided to collect my thoughts. Not a single thought came to the meeting.

If men knew what women were thinking, they would court twenty times more boldly.

Life is sad... But the salary is ridiculous.

Only nesting dolls can live soul to soul.

Thank you for the lesson! The rake has been passed...

I need to call my mom and tell her where I am. - Hello, mom? Where I am?

A person must learn the secrets of life from himself, and not blindly believe in other teachings.

The little boy was watching porn. I didn’t understand the movie, but I was sweating a lot.

I put the house in order…..Before everything was lying around in its place, but now it’s neatly folded in an unknown place..

The main thing is that they are waiting for you at home, and not waiting for you

There was a doctors' strike in Uryupinsk; unfortunately, the demands made were not readable.

Chocolate tastes twice as good if you can't eat it.

Today I received a receipt for gas. The price has risen again... Looks like Gazprom has a new dream(((

The Lord protects us all. But the shelf life is different for everyone.

My conscience is so pure and transparent that it is almost invisible.

I am protected by the great ancient Egyptian god of peace and tranquility - DANUNAH.

Chocolate tastes twice as good if you can't have it.

Every day those around me prove to me that life without a brain is real.

Yesterday, in a gateway, hooligans beat an optimist half to death.

No one will die a virgin: life will fuck us all.

It only takes one minute to notice a special person, just one hour to understand him, just one day to love him. And a whole life to forget him.

Financial and sexual crisis... You look into your wallet, and there’s a dick there.

Out of 100 men, 60 do not believe in love, 40 do not want a serious relationship. But all 100 know for sure that the woman is to blame for everything.

Save your statuses - they will help a psychiatrist with a diagnosis.

Unfriended? Get your likes together, we're leaving)))

Life is like chess, almost a step in the wrong direction, immediately checkmate!

I just want to say, well, I’ve lived in this life - give me another.

I'm happy by default. Please do not meddle in the settings…

Pharmacies need to sell time. It also heals.

I don't care about money! They calm me down.

If the streak of your life suddenly turns black, take a closer look, most likely it’s white, just covered in chocolate.

What a compliment, you look your best. Is it years or kilograms?

A horseshoe will never bring you happiness and good luck until you nail it to your hoof and start plowing like a horse!

I got to know him better and sent him away.

I always forgive my enemies and treat them with a little love. All people have their own problems, and my enemies also have me.

I looked into those eyes again and whispered: You are the most precious thing in my life. She smiled. And she walked away from the mirror.

Kind people! Give the victim of the Internet money for coffee, cigarettes and a housekeeper!

Judging by my lack of sleep, I am neither a night owl nor a morning person. I'm a crank bear.

Life is a game! Play with others!

I'm not a marshmallow person, but I don't mind being covered in chocolate.

Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.

In the 3/9 kingdom, in the 3/10 state, everyone was obsessed with fractions.

An optimist is a person who, even having fallen face first into the mud, is sure that it is healing!

Pharmacies need to sell time. It also heals.

—You have such beautiful photographs, you probably have a good camera! —Your borscht is so delicious. You must have great pots!

The phrase after which the oblivion spell begins to work: The main thing is not to forget!

Everyone asks how things are going - I answer that nothing has changed in this life lately except my weight.

There is nothing more useful in a household than a guilty husband.

This status is especially for those who are now sitting at the computer, and have been cooking something on the gas stove for the second hour... It’s already done...

The most reliable plan: oh, bullshit, we’ll figure it out on the spot.

If you know exactly who is to blame, don’t give yourself away.

The most effective herbal treatment is nettles on the ass!

After all, how many people don’t even suspect that they are a constant topic of someone’s conversation.

There is no scarier sight than the letter “U” on the windshield of a BELAZ vehicle.

Yellow wine is called white because it is made from green grapes. Logic can be shoved into one place.

I know there is nothing, but still try to understand me.

My kitten knows more keyboard shortcuts than I do!

Sometimes you send someone in the heat of the moment, and then you worry, did you get it... didn’t you get it?

It’s annoying when teenagers write in their statuses that they’re annoyed by teenagers))

Are they talking about you behind your back? These are free PR managers.

Only nesting dolls can live soul to soul.

When a taxi driver inserts a flash drive into a computer, he turns it around out of habit.

No matter how many good things they say about me, I always have something to add!

Funny statuses for VK

For those who love humor, funny VKontakte statuses are perfect:

• A hut where they laugh is richer than a palace where they are bored
• If you leave and no one calls you back, you are going in the right direction.
• It's not hard to trust people, it's hard to believe again
• Just because you tripped and fell doesn't mean you're going the wrong way.
• Only a man humiliated by fate can insult a woman

By the way, the magazine published an excellent article on how easy it is.

The coolest expressions are the easiest to remember. They are postponed and add fame to you, and your page - new subscribers, admirers and even fans:

• To defeat your opponent, do not strive to become stronger than him, but make him weaker than you
• We take advice in drops, but give it in buckets
• If you want to defeat the enemy, raise his children
• To gain knowledge you need wisdom. To gain wisdom you need to observe
• Don't chase happiness - it's always in you

You need to spend optimism in moderation so that it lasts until the end of your life.

When everything in life seems to be falling apart, start thinking about what you will build in the vacant space.

A child is a guest in your home. Feed, teach and release

1. The fewer questions you ask, the fewer lies you will hear.
2. He who conquers others is strong, but he who conquers himself is powerful.
3. You never know what will come tomorrow - the next morning or the next life
4. Even appreciate the bitter days of life, because they too are gone forever

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He who remains silent in noisy disputes is wiser than chatterboxes, quick to speak

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A fool argues with everyone, a wise man argues with his equal, and a wise man argues only with himself.

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