Joking statuses, quotes about men
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Vodka contains a lot of female hormones. When I drink 2 bottles of vodka, I also can’t drive and start acting illogically.
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Men are like shoes - either comfortable or spectacular... Both at the same time - never!
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Hearing the phrase “Honey, I’m pregnant” in the morning, Vasily pretended to be asleep for another two days.
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Men are like buses: sometimes none, sometimes two.
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A romantic man will say something nice to a woman in the morning, and an experienced man will also do it.
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If a man has prepared dinner for you and the salad contains more than three ingredients, consider that he has serious intentions.
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All men are divided into three categories: 1. Smart. 2. Beautiful. 3. Smart, beautiful and rich, but blue.
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A woman wants a lot from one thing, a man wants only one thing, but from many.
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Men are not logical: they insist that all women are the same, and constantly change one for another.
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A man's transitional age is when the young woman no longer gives, but the old woman is not yet attracted to
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A man with refined taste is looking for a girl 92.34 x 61.71 x 93.45. Not boring.
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A man drinks in three cases: when it’s bad - out of grief, when it’s good - out of joy, and when everything is fine - out of boredom.
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Sometimes a man, like a cuckoo, also carries his eggs into other people’s nests...
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When they see beautiful girls, men begin to say smart words
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In fact, men recognize the presence of female intuition, but call it in their own way: “Nakarkala!”
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If on a train a lady has the top bunk and a gentleman has the bottom, he will always help her climb up.
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While you are looking for a real man, you can get a lot of pleasure with fake ones!
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If men are only looking for women for sex, then why are they surprised when they are looking for them only for money?
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A real man is like good cognac; only a few know its strength and taste. If many people know how it tastes, then it’s no longer cognac – it’s beer... on tap...
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A gentleman never asks a lady how old she is, but rather how old her children are.
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Remedy for impotence “Three Bogatyrs”. Three is a verb.
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With every button undone, a lady breathes easier, but a gentleman finds it harder.
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“I’ll buy you flowers, you fucking understand? And you say that I'm not romantic! Stupid fool!.."
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There is nothing more useful in the household than a guilty husband
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Young people behave with women like timid rich men, and old men behave like arrogant beggars. /Antoine Rivarol/
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A true gentleman always wipes his feet on the mat before knocking on the door.
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Only the military registration and enlistment office can accept a man as he is.
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Do you think driving a man is easier than driving a car? You can't buy freebies here. A man must ride according to all the rules and feel the grip. It has no steering wheel, the brakes are weak, and the front end keeps drifting to the left! Especially when the tank is full.
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A man’s face is never as concentrated and spiritual as when choosing porn.
Funny aphorisms about men.
They say that many people suffer from autumn depression. But since I am one of those who adore autumn, there can be no talk of any blues! Therefore, I will try to keep everyone “moping” in a good mood and help them escape from the clutches of this “monster” as soon as possible!
I really hope that by visiting my site you will smile, your mood will improve, and you will understand that life is beautiful and amazing even in autumn! First, choose an autumn gift for yourself - an autumn animation from me or read my poems dedicated to autumn! Maybe my good mood poems will help you?! If this still doesn’t help, move on to the next point! I bring to your attention a small selection of funny aphorisms about men !
Men and women... We are so different, but it is precisely this opposite, which sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, that attracts us to each other like a giant magnet, and we cannot do without each other!
After all, when the conversation turns to men, then, in principle, every woman always has something to say about this, doesn’t it? For example, if you ask a woman how she sees a real man, then the list of advantages that a woman would like to see in a man will sometimes be so long that it’s time to recall the aphorism:
The ideal man does not drink, does not smoke, does not gamble at horse races, never argues and... does not exist!
But, perhaps, there is one thing, perhaps not the most important, but simply necessary from my point of view, the quality of a real man, the absence of which sometimes negates many of his other advantages. This is a sense of humor that determines a man’s ability not only to make a successful and appropriate joke himself, but also to respond correctly to a woman’s sometimes inept jokes (without being offended by her or offending her) or an angry attack from another man, and also gives an amazing the ability to sincerely joke about oneself!
It seems to me that it is precisely funny aphorisms about men that very successfully emphasize the essence of a man and his nature. Moreover, most of these aphorisms are invented by men themselves! And who knows a man better than the man himself?!
And now a small selection of aphorisms with humor from famous men about men :
- If many men get together, it is most likely war. Mel Brooks
- Every man has some virtues, you just need to point them out to him. Erich Maria Remarque
- Modesty adorns a man, but a real man does not wear jewelry. Jaroslav Hasek
- It seems to me that every husband prefers a good dish without music to one without a good dish. Immanuel Kant
- A man in love is somehow incomplete until he gets married. And then he is already a finished man. Sari Gabor
- If a man claims that he is the boss of the house, then he is lying in other cases. Mark Twain
- Only by examining many women can a man understand himself. Vladislav Grzeszczyk
- A man doesn’t dream about a woman because he considers her mysterious; on the contrary: he considers her mysterious in order to justify his dreams about her. Henri de Monterlant
- Every man needs three women in his life: a mother, a wife and at least one more who considers him a man. Gabriel Laumb
- Bachelor: a man who wants to have a wife, but is glad that he does not have one. Henry Louis Mencken
- Some men are created only to make happy widows in the world. Robert Lembke
- There are men who can be deceived by any woman. Karl Kraus.
And there is no way to get by in this situation without the sparkling humor of Mikhail Zhvanetsky! This is someone who subtly and accurately notices the essence of a man and presents it in such a form that not only women perceive everything said with delight, but also men smile mysteriously!
- A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.
- A bachelor is a man who failed to find a wife.
- The only difference between a man and a boy is the cost of toys.
- Nowadays, if a man opens the door for a woman, he is most likely a doorman.
- Some men irritate with their harassment, others with their ailments
- A man is like a bath leaf: first he sticks to a woman, and then washes off.
- Everything that men do is done for the sake of women. And only idleness - for yourself.
- A man chases a woman until she catches him.
- A man likes to read the newspaper first in the morning. The very idea that he is not the first to have a detrimental effect on the psyche of any man
- If you really want to get rid of a man, try telling him: “I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have children from you...”
- Men are not a gender, but something whole.
- When men lack shine, they go bald.
- A man in love can grow wings, a married man can only grow horns.
- Perhaps today's men have shredded, but how much they have gained weight!
- Not a single woman has ever managed to make a complete idiot out of a man without his active help
- If a man thinks that he changes women like gloves, he is mistaken. He just walks from hand to hand!
- A real man will always let a girl pass first to see what she looks like from behind!
- If a man says that he loves you, this does not mean that he loves only you.
And in conclusion, women's aphorisms about men !
- A man who is completely incapable of being faithful is at least true to himself. Vivien Leigh.
- A man, even if he could understand what a woman is thinking, would still not believe it. Dorothy Parker.
- A man who embodies the best qualities is a real punishment. Sophia Loren.
- Most men are proud of two things that any of them can do exactly the same: get drunk and make children. Gertrude Stein.
- A man's house may seem like a castle from the outside, but from the inside it is most often a nursery. Clara Booth Lewis.
- If men value beauty in women more than intelligence, it is because there are more fools in the world than blind. Louise de Vilmorin
- Men are more often prevented from winning victories by their awkwardness than by the virtue of women. Ninon de Lanclos
- A man, having achieved the first kiss, begs for a second, demands a third, boldly takes a fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest. Helen Rowland
- A man's decision to get married is the last one he makes himself. Wanda Blonska.
- The best way to hold a man is not to let him out of your arms. Mae West.
That's all for today! Have a good mood everyone! And NO blues!!!
Next time I will prepare aphorisms about women for you.
- Interesting
- Beautiful photos of nature landscapes and macro world by Albert Belyaev
- Funny aphorisms about women. About women with humor and more!
- Sand sculptures
Tags: Aphorisms
A man in the house is needed not for furniture, but for its repair.
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All men are the same, but some are more the same.
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A man is in his transitional age - the young people no longer give in, but the old ones are not yet attracted to him.
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All men are a little woodpeckers... especially from below...
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A man's home is his fortress, but only from the outside. Inside, this is most often a children's room.
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Men are like books: sometimes they are boring, sometimes they are interesting, and sometimes they have money hidden in them.
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The way to a man's heart is... until you rub it.
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Don’t make life difficult for men... Don’t ask them questions that you couldn’t just nod to...
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How difficult it is to raise a son alone, whom your mother-in-law gave birth to!
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No matter how much you love a man, he still looks at his neighbor.
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Pants are given to a man to hide his thoughts.
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Some men are like problem hair - the hair itself is oily, but the ends are dry.
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All men are the same, only their salaries are different.
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Men are like children: they love to be led by the hand, but are considered big.
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The stomach is the atrium of men.
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It’s easier with men - their control panel hangs outside.
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When a man feels bad, he looks for a woman, and when he feels good, he looks for another one.
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It’s bad when they laugh at a man, even worse when they laugh under him.
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Women, remember that the man you have got must have his own place in the apartment so that he does not drag dirt all over the rooms!
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A man without material problems is the one women are looking for. With financial problems - the one who has already been found.
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A man’s ability to quickly put a cover on an umbrella speaks louder than any words.
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Don't bring out the beast in a man. The beast that has awakened in a man yawns all the time, itches and constantly asks for food.
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A man needs a wife because not everything can be blamed on the government.
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There is no point in arguing with men. They are always wrong anyway.
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You feel especially acutely as a man when you receive a blow between your legs.
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Being a man is good because you don’t have to kiss someone else’s three-day stubble.
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When a man tries to get under his skirt, his wallet is the most defenseless.
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If a boy launches a radio-controlled helicopter at the age of 7, this is normal; at 27, it is abnormal; at 47, it is normal.
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Man 3D - house, tree, children. Man 3B - grandmas, bathhouse, women. Man 3T - slippers, tanks, TV.
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A real man has two heads: one he thinks, the other on his shoulders.
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Men only pretend that they don’t understand women! It costs them less.
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Every man is a gynecologist at heart.
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Men don't change with age, the prices for their toys change.
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Perhaps today's men have shredded it. But how much weight they gained!
The funniest statuses about a guy
When a guy has a son, he becomes a father, and when a guy has a daughter, he becomes a daddy.
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A cool guy can be seen during a workout with a mineral water in his hands, and not in the entrance with a beer.
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Guy, I should delude myself; for some girls, flirting is not a sign of sympathy. It's a way of life.
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I finally met my ideal guy. He and I looked at each other and smiled. And then his parents put him in a stroller, gave him a rattle and took him away.
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A girl is often jealous of her boyfriend, someone else's boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend and that cute boy.
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Two guys fought over me. One shouted: “Take her for yourself!”, and the other: “Why the hell don’t they need her?”
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Any girl becomes happy if she has a guy next to her who can light a sparkle in her eyes and brighten up her life.
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The best contraceptive method is not to be a girl. No guy in history has ever gotten pregnant, this is a sure thing.
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A guy will never look stupid if he makes the first move. It's a pity that many people forget about this..
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In a relationship, the main thing is to be a cutie who loves her boyfriend more than eating and sleeping.
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Guys are special creatures: you can kick him out of school, but you can’t kick him out of your heart, you can kick him out of college, but you can’t kick him out of your thoughts.
Funny sayings about husbands
Making a husband out of a lover is just as difficult as making a lover out of a husband.
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The ideal man and the ideal husband are usually two different people.
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The husband, like the government, should never admit to mistakes.
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Husbands tend to be good in bed when they cheat on their wives.
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A man is more silent than a woman: a lover forgets all his words, and a married man does not have time to get a word in.
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No matter how much you feed your husband, he still likes other women.
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The most ideal husband is an ATM: always silent and with money.
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My husband is a unique person! For him, all your dresses are the same, and all screwdrivers are different.
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No matter how much you feed your husband, he still looks at the pub!
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A real man must build a house, plant a tree, raise a son, and everything else that his wife says.
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Husbands don't grow up, they just gain weight.
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It is very difficult to please a woman when you are her husband. You always do the wrong thing, and if you do that, you do it wrong.
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If your husband has been listening to you with his mouth open for an hour, take a closer look and listen - maybe the scoundrel is sleeping?
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The husband is a well-edited man.
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A husband is a man who brings joy to his wife twice a month. On the day of advance payment and on the day of payday.
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When someone else's husband spends his last 1000 rubles on champagne and firecrackers, he is a romantic, when his own husband is a fool.
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If you marry a good man, it doesn’t matter what color his Bentley is.
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A husband whose wife takes away his salary is a weakling, but one who gives it himself is a real man.
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If the husband begins to come home well-fed, then soon he will stop coming at all.
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No matter how much you feed your husband, the next day it’s as if he hadn’t eaten at all.
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If your husband has slept with all your girlfriends, don’t scold him, it means he, like you, also likes your girlfriends.
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If your husband is much older than you, but rich, generous, caring, reliable, then he can be forgiven for such a tiny flaw as impotence.
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Someone else’s husband, when drunk, is so cheerful and interesting, but his own is a fool.
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A smart husband lets his wife know where his stash is. This increases trust in the family, women's self-esteem and the security of the main nest egg.
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The best housekeeper is a guilty husband.
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There are no bad husbands... There is a first, a second, a third...
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A woman's ideal husband: he earns a lot of money by spending all his time with her.
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An ideal husband is one who comes home on time, buys groceries, cooks food, washes dishes, cleans the apartment, takes care of the children... Conclusion: the ideal husband is a wife.
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If your husband left for another, it means her husband left for a third. Wait - soon someone's husband will come to you. They must go somewhere!
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Being a good wife is harmful. Husbands get spoiled.
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Marriage is like a mirage in the desert: with palaces, palm trees and camels. First the palace disappears, then the palm trees, and finally you are left with only one camel.
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A husband is such a thing that can easily be improved.
Cool statuses about your husband
I hate my husband for a reason - I was looking for my half, but I got the whole one!
There is no better way to force your husband to watch his figure than to go on a diet yourself.
All men are real serial killers, because entire nations die at their hands! Nations that could be born!
– Listen, is your wife spoiling you with culinary delights? - Well, yes, yesterday we had an evening of Caucasian cuisine - I cooked “echodali”.
Best status: If a wife has nothing to say to her husband, this is a reason to think, because perhaps she has already said everything she wanted to another man.
A single woman poses a danger, first of all, to herself, so she must be protected by a man all her life - first by her father, then by her husband, and then by her son.
My wife was late from work. Dissatisfied husband: - And where have you been for so long? - Wait, I'll give you a tip! - Okay, don’t answer, let’s have some vodka!
My husband is dissatisfied after talking on the phone. His wife asks him what happened. - Yes, my ex’s new husband called with claims that I didn’t teach her how to cook pilaf!
They say that you should treat people the way you want them to treat you. So what, should I give my husband a fur coat now?
A real man consists of a husband and a rank. - Anton Chekhov
Most marital friction arises from the wife talking too much and the husband listening too little.
Quarrel: a conversation between husband and wife - Helen Rowland
My wife does what she wants with me; she even made me an academician.
Advertisement: “I’m looking for a husband. A little about myself: I don’t like to cook, clean, iron and do laundry, I sleep until lunchtime, I swear masterfully, I drink, I smoke, and if necessary I fight with a frying pan. In case of divorce, I will take all jointly acquired property for myself. Well, are there any brave ones?
My husband, as usual, invited his friends home to play cards. It's five o'clock in the morning and they still won't stop. An angry wife bursts into the room - How long will this continue in my house?!! -Masha, don’t shout, the house is no longer ours...
A man cheats out of curiosity about other people’s wives, and a woman cheats out of her husband’s lack of curiosity about her.
I love being a married man. It's so great to find that special woman that you want to piss off and annoy for the rest of your life.
Divorces are caused by husbands having breakfast with their secretaries, but much more often - with their wives. – Lawrence Peter
If a man's first marriage was a mistake, his second wife pays for it
A spiritualized and generous husband, although he will not live long, is counted among the long-livers, and the one who lives by everyday vanity and wretchedness, who is not able to bring benefit either to himself or to others, will be short-lived and unhappy, even if he lives to a ripe old age - John of Damascus
Desperate to change their husband, they cheat on their husband
He endured grief like a real man: he poisoned his wife’s life with them - Erasmus of Rotterdam
Quotes and aphorisms about men
Defender of the Fatherland Day is approaching, which has traditionally become a men's day, regardless of military service. All the time, girls and women wait for warm and affectionate words from their halves, and now it’s time to pay attention to men. To do this, we offer a selection of quotes, aphorisms and sayings. Add them to your statuses, let everyone know that your man is the best.
Of course, not all men deserve attention. There are also those personnel who can hardly be called men. A man who is capable of offending a woman, abandoning a child, cheating, or committing some other stupid act does not deserve the right to be called a Man.
To become a real man, it is not enough just to be born one. To do this you need to be purposeful and educated. A real man is one who can become a support and protection for his family.
About strong and weak men
The Rule of a Real Man: My problems are my problems, your problems are our problems.
A real man will always think and decide for two.
Weak men have mistresses, and strong men have strong families.
Family is too tough for the weak.
A strong man will do everything to make his woman want to become weak.
Women are not weak, they only become weak when a strong man appears next to them...
A man must fight, because a woman chooses the strong, brave and persistent, and not those who give up and leave at the slightest quarrel.
The peculiarity of men is that when they hear “no”, they do everything possible to get a “yes” next time.
Weak men act to satisfy their needs, strong men act to satisfy a sense of duty.
Men live their whole lives satisfying their debt: first to their mother, then to the state, then to their wife...
They say: “Men love strong women.” It is weak men who love strong women. And strong men love weak women. And only a real man loves a woman for who she is.
Even the weakest woman can become the strongest if there is an idiot nearby.
Funny and cool aphorisms
A man has no right to connect the words “I” and “tired.” He can say once in his life: “There is no more strength!” - and die.
To say that you are tired is the same as saying - look for someone else...)
A man is a creature that can wait three hours straight for a bite and is unable to wait 15 minutes while his wife gets dressed.
I need to buy an aquarium for home, while he catches fish, I’ll just get ready...)))
Only men can wear two socks at once, because one has a hole in the heel, and the other is torn on the toe.
They are not smart enough to take new ones from the closet, they probably wait out of habit, like in childhood, for their mother to bring...
A man needs a wife because not everything in life can be blamed on the government.
You still have to pay deductions from your salary here and there, but you can accuse your wife of something else...
Cats and men are alike. If they suddenly become affectionate, it means that they either need something from you, or have already done something wrong somewhere.
Soon everyone will start having cats instead of men, there is a better chance of accustoming them...
A man is like a ball: when a woman lets him go, he unravels, and when she picks him up, he unwinds...
When the threads completely unravel, they are thrown away...
