What's wrong with your opinion and why it turns into rudeness

Why you shouldn't always say what you think

Motivational coaches of all stripes advise having your own opinion. Like, how else will you become a strong and independent person if you don’t analyze what’s happening and form an attitude towards it. And this is generally good advice.

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For example, there are situations where the lack of one’s own position and silence is akin to a crime. Russian society is moving very slowly towards humanization, partly due to the fact that it is safer to ignore heated discussions. But if someone is spreading anti-scientific theories, misconceptions and simply disgusting things, it is important to speak out. It is not necessary to convince your opponent, but it is necessary to indicate that there are people with a different point of view and there are many of them. This is how public opinion is formed, and the undecided can choose which side they want to join.

But, as a rule, opinions are expressed much more actively when it would be better to remain silent. People love to talk about others. It especially hits those who are at least somewhat different from the average. The distribution includes height, weight, hair color, clothing style, tattoos, stretch marks—anything. A person reads the unusual and tries to reflect on it.

It is common for children to voice their thoughts. They enthusiastically note everything around them: “Mom, look at how beautiful your auntie’s lipstick is! Mom, why is uncle so fat?” The child lacks experience and empathy to evaluate the appropriateness of exclamations. When an adult says everything that comes to mind, this is not a manifestation of inner freedom, but immaturity.

Not every reaction needs to be voiced. It says more about you than about the person you want to discuss and judge.

A violent response is a reason to think about why the situation caused it, what makes you angry or worried. In most cases, this has nothing to do with caring for the individual or society. The speaker just doesn't like something. And here again the time has come for revelations: those around you are not obliged to look and behave in a way that someone likes, if this does not contradict the law.

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Choose the right moment and format

Perhaps speaking publicly in large companies, at conferences, during discussions and brainstorming sessions is not your thing yet. But this does not mean that you should remain silent. Try talking to your manager or colleague in person and conveying your thoughts to him. Or contact the person in writing - this is also a great option to present your point of view.

What techniques help you overcome shyness and confidently express your opinion? Feel free to share in the comments!

When is it better to remain silent

As soon as it comes to talking about another person, an opinion turns into an assessment. Moreover, it doesn’t matter whether you speak condemningly or approvingly - you still take a position above the object of attention, you think that you better understand how to live. And, of course, you broadcast your attitudes based on your own experience.

But an outsider does not need someone else’s approval, evaluation and control if we are talking about things that concern only him.

Appearance

It doesn’t matter whether a person likes his own appearance or not, he will figure it out himself. What he definitely shouldn’t do is change himself to suit other people’s preferences. This includes height, weight, body shape, style and everything that in one way or another concerns appearance.

Age

The number does not depend on the person, and he does not need advice on how to look younger (unless he himself asks for it).

Personal preferences

For one, jellied fish is disgusting, while another loves it. He is not obliged to listen to the itching as he can eat it. Books, music, movies, hobbies - all this can be discussed, but not judged. But, as already mentioned, as long as preferences do not cross boundaries and begin to harm.

If someone made renovations in “disgusting beige tones” or, conversely, painted the walls red and the ceiling green, then this is a matter of taste and not the business of others. If, during the renovation, illegal redevelopment was carried out, this is already a common matter. When a person does not marry before forty, this is his personal choice. And when someone says that it’s okay to marry ten-year-olds, it’s better to speak out.

This does not mean that you cannot have your own opinion on these issues. But speaking out on them is already tactless.

By doing this, you do not help anyone and do not improve anything, but simply meddle in a person’s life with your own measure and push through his boundaries. When you want to speak out, ask yourself if this concerns you. If not, it's better to chew than talk.

Write down your thought

If you are nervous and find it difficult to speak without preparation, first draft the text of your speech. Even if you are not speaking at a conference, but are just planning to discuss a salary increase with your boss, want to express ideas in a five-minute meeting, or are going to talk with your child’s teacher.

Write down what you want to say, read it several times, and edit it to make it clear, concise, and persuasive. If we are not talking about public speaking and reading from a piece of paper would be stupid, remember the main points. You can separately prepare responses to potential objections, also in writing.

How to understand that an opinion turns into rudeness

There are phrases that eloquently make this clear.

I don't want to offend, but...

Translation. What I am about to say will offend you, and I understand that it is tactless. But I really want to say this and remain good in your eyes! Therefore, I will express everything, but if you are indignant, I will shift all responsibility onto you. After all, I warned you.

Example. Please don't be offended, but these pants make your butt look huge! Go on a diet and then maybe you can wear them.

This is just my opinion

Translation. I heard somewhere that if you add to slander that this is an opinion and not a fact, then they will not be able to hold you accountable. It’s the same here: I have the right to say what I think, even if it’s not based on anything. And if a person finds it unpleasant, well, that’s his problem. I cannot be responsible for the feelings of others.

Example. It seems to me that a person with a tattoo should not be allowed to work with children. They're kind of crazy. This is just my opinion.

Don't say a word to you!

Translation. I want to say whatever I want, but I forbid you to respond to my words proportionately.

Example.

- What are you wearing? It's so fashionable now, right? Maybe I just don’t know something. Looks strange. “I don’t understand why you decided that my clothes are a reason for discussion.” - Don’t say a word to you, you immediately take everything with hostility!

I don't allow myself to do this

Translation. I'm not blaming you directly, but look how much better I am than you.

Example. Oh, you're wearing short shorts! Brave! I can’t afford this, I still need to lose weight to XS.

The desire to use any of these phrases eloquently indicates that the statement is inappropriate.

Another way to whitewash yourself is to change the reason for your statement. For example, when it comes to body positivity, there will definitely be commentators who will condemn the phenomenon: this is a fashion for excess weight, and it is harmful to health. Let's put aside the misunderstanding of body positivity, there are other nuances here:

Excess weight can be a source of health problems. But this does not mean that the person you are talking about is sick. And thinness does not equate to health.
“Extra” kilograms are not always extra in reality. There is a gulf between glossy standards and medical norms.
If a person is so concerned about the problem of someone else’s health, he should tirelessly write condemning comments under posts of people who smoke, drink alcohol, or lead a sedentary lifestyle, but he hardly does this.

The conclusion suggests itself: statements have nothing to do with other people’s health. A person is simply abusing his right to an opinion that he was not asked for.

For example, in 2021, Mexican gymnast Alexa Moreno was repeatedly insulted because of her figure. The athlete, 147 centimeters tall and weighing 45 kilograms, was bullied Mexican gymnast body shamed at Rio 2021 Olympics for being fat. Obviously, she couldn’t have any health problems due to her weight. Moreover, she qualified for the Olympics, performed there, and her form is much better than that of the armchair critics. What is the reason? She was different.

Another “screen” for advisers is the phrase “If I don’t tell you, no one will.” Here the speaker is warmed by the guise of parental care for an unreasonable chick. And again, not without surprises. A person either knows that he has a problem (and hardly wants to hear about it), or does not consider it a problem. While someone, out of the kindness of their hearts, reports that they are going bald, they are counting the days until they look like Bruce Willis. In both cases it will be unpleasant, and the adviser knows this, but says it anyway.

Support others

Perhaps there is a person in your environment who also finds it difficult to speak up and express themselves. Try to help him. Let's say at a meeting you notice that a colleague is trying, but cannot, to break into the conversation. Attract the attention of the other participants: “It seems that Masha wants to say something, let’s give her the floor.”

Or support the person if you see that it is difficult for him to speak and he is noticeably worried: “Yes, a great idea! I agree with you". This way you kind of share the excitement between two people and learn to be bolder.

How to express an opinion correctly

Check if you have been asked

If you want to speak on a sensitive topic, check if there is a request. The mere existence of a person or the presence of family ties is not enough to give you the right to tell him whatever you think. Some people mistakenly believe that such permission is given by posts on social networks: if you publish photos, be prepared for a reaction. And this is another mistake.

But if you are asked a direct question, you can answer it honestly. There are various social dances accepted in society, but participation in them is not obligatory.

Be on an equal footing with your interlocutor

It is important here what is the priority: to look good against the background of your interlocutors or to discuss something. One of the basic rules of eco-friendly conversation is not to get personal. But it's not just about direct insults. Compare:

Yes. Have you read Aristotle's Poetics? He writes that... No. Why do you think so? Better read Aristotle's Poetics!

Do not underestimate your interlocutor and immediately accuse him of the fact that his opinion is less important than yours.

Use I-messages

Remember that your words are just an opinion and not the ultimate truth. Therefore, you should be careful with your wording.

Yes. I don't like red lipstick, I like natural colors. No. Red lipstick is ugly!

Select expression

Even if you don’t like something about other people, this is not a reason to assign characteristics to them just like that. The opinion must be justified.

Yes. This skirt is a little short, you won’t be able to ride the subway in it: your underwear will be visible on the escalator, and it’s uncomfortable to sit down. No. Only prostitutes wear such short skirts, are you crazy?

Don't gossip

It seems that discussing a person behind his back is not as painful as telling him everything to his face. He still won’t know what you think about his trousers, wallpaper and new girlfriend. But you shouldn’t do this either if you want to be, and not seem like, a good person.

It’s very pleasant to communicate with people who know how to speak environmentally and keep unsolicited opinions to themselves. If you want to get more such interlocutors, share this text on social networks.

Aphorisms and quotes about opinions

Opinion is what helps us make a decision when we don't have information. John Erskine

Opinion is the filling of gaps in the information field, allowing you to navigate through it. Alexander Kruglov

You cannot come to truth through opinion: every opinion is insane in its own way. Emil Cioran

There is nothing more difficult for a person than his own opinion. Fedor Dostoevsky

Few people think, but everyone wants to have an opinion. George Berkeley

We think about life phenomena not as differently as we reason. Georg Lichtenberg

Each of us has a fulcrum around which we are ready to turn the whole world upside down. Alexander Kruglov

And the most uneducated person has his own comments on the text of the book of the universe. Wilhelm Fischer

I'm glad I can create an environment for everyone to have their say. Jan Brown, New Zealand public relations specialist

The prevalence of any opinion does not prove that it is not absurd. Bertrand Russell (1872–1970), English philosopher and writer

Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared to our personal opinion. Henry David Thoreau (1817–1862), American writer and philosopher

If opposing opinions are not expressed, then there is nothing to choose the best from. Herodotus

How many people, so many opinions. Terence Publius

Happiness depends on our opinion about things, because in human life everything is so unclear and so complicated that nothing can be known for sure... And even if knowledge is sometimes possible, it often takes away the joy of life. Erasmus of Rotterdam

The opinion of a person, as of almost every creature, depends on the distance from which one looks at him. Benjamin Johnson

When proving your opinion and refuting others if they are wrong, be restrained in both words and expressions. Philip Dormer Stanhope Chesterfield

Never prove your opinion loudly and passionately, even if in your soul you are convinced that you are right - express it modestly and calmly, for this is the only way to convince. Philip Dormer Stanhope Chesterfield

An impartial and thoughtful person is never in a hurry to pronounce his verdict. Henry Fielding

Every person owes his success to a large extent to the opinion he has created about himself. Edmund Burke

The golden rule: judge a person not by his opinions, but by what those opinions make of him. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

The tendency of people to consider insignificant things significant has given rise to many significant ones. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

The new point of view is always in the minority... Thomas Carlyle

Don't challenge anyone's opinions; Just realize that if you wanted to refute all the absurdities that people believe in, you could reach the age of Methuselah and still not end with them. Arthur Schopenhauer

Whoever sharply expresses his opinions about the actions of others obliges himself to act better than others. Vissarion Grigorievich Belinsky

He is unscrupulous who does not value his opinions as a person. Vissarion Grigorievich Belinsky

Each person has every right to his own opinion - provided that it coincides with ours. Henry Wheeler Shaw

The desire to be liked makes one dependent on opinion; the desire to be loved frees you from it. Anna Louise Germaine

You can only have your own opinion if you know how to refute it. Samuel Butler

It is a deception that you can have other people's views. Antonio Miro

Know how to always transfer yourself to the point of view of an opposing opinion - this is what true wisdom is. Dmitri Ivanovich Mendeleev

Ideas about what is reasonable or unreasonable change. My life rests on the fact that I perceive many things involuntarily. Ludwig Wittgenstein

Having an opinion is a state. State of what? Souls? Spirit? Ludwig Wittgenstein

Don't mistake an uncertain statement as a statement of uncertainty. Ludwig Wittgenstein

Not all corrections to our views are at the same level. Ludwig Wittgenstein

Quite often, when we like or dislike this or that, this happens. Franz Brentano

There is always someone who comes to a special or even bizarre opinion. This is quite natural. Karl Raymund Popper

All human opinions are relative: everyone looks at things as they see fit. Wilhelm Windelband

There are assessments that have absolute significance, even though they are not actually universally accepted or even recognized by anyone. Wilhelm Windelband

The one-sidedness and fallacy of individual opinions rests mainly on the fact that each person is forced to generalize his personal imperfect experience. Wilhelm Windelband

Each person has his own, albeit very limited, view of things, which gives it special weight. Emmanuel Mounier