I warn you - the article is difficult for the untrained mind to digest! If something here is not clear to you (and most likely it will be), come back here when you have worked on your resentment for several months and everything will fall into place.
Only your “Ego” suffers from pain. If you are hurt and hurt, you may find it unpleasant to read that the part of you that feels pain is your “false self.” But the purpose of this article is to show the truth, not to console. And then, any manifestation of sympathy or empathy is precisely aimed at “calming” your ego, which I will not do here. Everything here will be essentially tough And there are reasons for this.
You see, the paradox is that when you try to see the truth in any situation - to realize how reality actually works, you are immediately freed from any resentment and suffering, but if your main motivation is simply to feel good and comfortable in at this point, then you are not much different from a drug addict who sometimes needs doses for short-term relief.
A much more effective long-term strategy is to try to achieve maximum awareness and strive to see the truth - that is, objective reality, beyond your judgments, understandings and principles.
Suffering is the best incentive to see the truth
All sorts of cool Eastern and other sages say that suffering is a wonderful teacher if you allow it to be your teacher. Instead of looking for a nice and good solution for your ego, trying to push away suffering or turn a blind eye to it, I invite you to look deeper at what suffering really is. Ask yourself - What is really suffering in me now? You will notice that it is definitely not your hands, not your feet, not your nose or eyes, there is no suffering there. Actual suffering seems to be a “psychological” construct rather than a physical one. And this construction is created by another construction, called “ego” by many philosophers and psychoanalysts.
The best statuses about offense
Sometimes life shakes us up abruptly, And we lose the thread of calm, And suddenly, in the heat of the moment, we are rude to someone, So simply to be rude.
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We easily offend our loved ones, Only because our mood is zero, And it turns out that without noticing, We cause excruciating pain.
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Words are like sparrows - you can’t catch them, But they hurt - like a cloud of arrows in the heart, And if you decide to say something, Think about it so that you don’t regret it tomorrow.
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After all, a word thrown without thinking One day can cause a lot of trouble, And such unsolicited insult will leave a deep mark on the soul.
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Of course, time gradually heals, Helping us forget the bad, But so as not to cripple each other’s souls, THINK. before speaking.
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I have already forgiven all the insults to those who betrayed and did not love, to those who were friendly only in appearance, but hid evil in their souls.
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I forgave the rudeness and reproaches, Harsh, arrogant words to the narrow-minded, angry and lonely And I think that I was right.
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I forgave the enemies for their intrigues, Sophisticated lace gossip, Intrigues, like a plot for a book, Where “Meanness” is the first chapter.
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I forgave my friends for their mistakes, Their criticism, harsh at times, With pity and bitterness of a smile, And the advice of the “smart” is a long line.
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I have forgiven those close and distant. In life there is always something to forgive for! This is not the easiest thing, Nothing needs to be simplified!
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I forgave, although it was difficult, without blaming anyone in the world, I think it would be simply wonderful if someone would forgive me.
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Did you have a fight? Are you still sulking? Your choice! Just my advice to you: When you hold a grudge against someone, Imagine that person is no longer there.
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That he disappeared. He will never see, feel, breathe as before. He will no longer hear those words that you so wanted to say.
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And it won’t matter who is to blame: The quarrel at this hour will become insignificant! “Sorry” to the wind hundreds of times in a row Well, what are you doing? Isn’t it better now?
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We need to learn to simply live. To live without the desire to start all over again. And, you know, to truly love So much time and so little!
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Do you hold a grudge? Are you still sulking? Your choice! Only my advice to you: When you hold a grudge against your loved ones, Imagine that they are no longer in the world
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In the east there lived a sage who taught his disciples: “People insult in three ways. They may say you are stupid, they may call you a slave, they may call you untalented.
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They threw a stone into the river's soul. They simply threw it - not out of malice. A quiet insult spread across the frightened surface in circles.
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But everything disappeared overnight And in a calmed wave The trembling circles faded away But a stone, a stone, is at the bottom!
What is ego?
The ego is such an interesting psychological construct that a person, unnoticed by himself, begins to use from an early age to describe himself and his interaction with reality. In fact, the “ego” is your personality, it is a story, a false self, an image created in your mind, an agent that has deluded itself into thinking it is a “separate” entity from you and reality. Ego is the idea that supposedly somewhere inside you (somewhere behind your eyes, inside your head) there lives a kind of controller who looks at what is happening around, listens, touches, etc., thinking what you think , making decisions, intending intentions, etc. As if there is reality, and there is you, a separate being from him who interacts with him. It is this “being”, or rather, the illusion of the existence of this being, that is the ego.
The ego, among its other responsibilities, is capable of creating negative thoughts, interpreting reality in a negative way. You can imagine that the ego puts a kind of filter between reality and you, sullying your perception of reality with negative thoughts. So, despite the fact that suffering or pain from resentment is quite clearly felt in the body (which has already been written about here many times, for example, here), from a psychological point of view, suffering is just “resistance”, a negative thought form that goes against reality that you perceive. When you are offended, you are usually overcome by bitter thoughts, anger, a feeling of injustice, inferiority, guilt or bile. And all these thoughts are a negative product of the work of your mind, but not of reality itself.
Ultimately, the only way to be free from the pain of resentment forever is to let go of the very construct that provokes the resentment in the first place—you guessed it, the ego. Of course, your ego does not want you to let it go, because it is a controller, a serious and important thinker, and it will not like it at all that you suddenly stop controlling, stop using it, and see reality as it is. The ego doesn't like to feel defeated. But the choice is yours - do you want to expose yourself to suffering over and over again, or would you like to get rid of it once and for all? Where there is defeat for the ego, there is your “true nature” for you.
How to learn to forgive others
It seems that the ability to forgive is something like a talent: either you have it or you don’t. But this is not so, Worthington is sure. The skill of forgiveness can and should be developed and trained. There is no universal method, but there are several principles that always work.
- Turn on empathy.
British researchers Peter Woodruff and Tom Farrow have shown that the ability to forgive is “hidden” deep in the limbic system - in the structures responsible for emotions, and not for rational judgments. So if you want to forgive someone, don't try to logically convince yourself that it would be "reasonable" or "fair." It’s better to think that your offender is a person just like you. He, too, may be wrong and ashamed to openly admit his guilt.
- Give vent to your feelings.
If you're feeling overwhelmed with resentment and resentment, the first step is to share your emotions with an understanding loved one, advises psychology professor Nathaniel Wade. In such a situation, it is very important to receive a signal from the outside that your reaction is justified and your feelings are quite adequate.
- Don't act like a victim.
Forgiveness is your conscious decision, an expression of your will. It doesn't depend on the other person's behavior or how much they deserve your forgiveness. This is not a favor to another, but a help to yourself. While you are angry, you are captive to the situation. To free yourself, you need to break out of the cycle of negative emotions.
- Just wait.
Time really does heal. Experts believe that the degree of forgiveness is often proportional to the time spent on the process. Sometimes it takes years to develop empathy for the offender. But these are years of important psychological work that always pays off in the end.
What to do with him?
You can, of course, look for ways to soothe the hurt of your ego - you can seek solace among loved ones, take drugs, drink alcohol, watch TV, surf the Internet, eat “happy” food, take out anger, throw tantrums, seek sexual relationships of varying degrees of severity and duration - depending on which of these seems to you a quicker or more effective way to calm your ego, to make it feel good again.
But the trouble is that your ego will find reasons to be offended again, and you will have to go through the same cycle of idiocy again and again - or, to put it in a more noble-spiritually-sublime way, a cycle of suffering.
The only way to get out of this wheel of insanity is to stop entertaining your ego and realize that all resentment only stems from this “story” in your mind. When you are in the mode of freedom from ego, or “pure consciousness,” you understand that this pure consciousness does not take offense, it does not feel bad, and it does not harbor malice either. Instead, there is calmness and Pure Not Giving a F*ck. Or, as they also like to say, “accepting reality as it is.” But if you are interested in such a state, your ego will have to be thrown into the oven. And the decision to send it to the oven must be serious and adamant, because your ego puts a lot of sticks in your wheels - other grievances, fear of change, fear of letting go of control, etc. And these “sticks” will dominate in your consciousness if you you will not have a concrete intention to fire your ego.
How to learn to forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself is another important topic studied in the psychology of forgiveness. Nathaniel Wade and his colleague Marilyn Cornish describe 4 stages that a person experiencing guilt must go through.
- Responsibility: the awareness that you are to blame for the suffering of another person.
- Remorse: willingness to express feelings of regret.
- Compensation: the desire to materially or morally compensate for the damage caused.
- Renewal: liberation from oppressive feelings of guilt and restoration of self-esteem.
Forgiving yourself and another person is a powerful psychological tool that can change your life, relationship trajectory, and self-perception. This is not the only correct reaction to pain and injustice, but the only guaranteed way to survive disappointments and conflicts with the least loss. And yet - a rare opportunity to combine your interests with caring for your neighbors: by forgiving others, you give them a chance to become better, showing by your example all the advantages of this adaptive strategy.
The bright side of resentment
Of course, the resentment that some of the readers may be experiencing right now hurts, but in the depths of that pain lies a gift. The pain of resentment can be that very crack in the ego, which will allow you not only to learn something new about yourself and your reactions with a sufficient degree of self-awareness, but also serve as an impetus to start working on this “ego”. In other words, the pain of resentment is the initial impetus to begin to get rid of this resentment, once and for all.
So, to the question of how to survive the pain of resentment, the answer is simple - work through it and get rid of your ego. Many people have experienced a feeling of absolute peace and joy in the midst of incredible suffering or simply depression when the ego suddenly gave in and surrendered. At the same time, they will never be able to describe to you where this feeling of peace and joy suddenly came from, because they do not understand that they have always had all this under a hard shell created by the ego. This feeling of peace and joy is the energy of life itself, the energy of who you really are. So don’t revel in the pain of resentment - take it as motivation to start working on yourself and achieve freedom from the shell of your ego.
Release from resentment and forgiveness
Thus, resentment is an extremely unconstructive and harmful experience, from which it is best to free yourself as quickly as possible. And it’s better not to let any resentment take hold of you at all.
How can you learn not to be offended? There is no single “elixir” for resentment, but there are some basic ideas that will help you deal with your “resentment”:
- The ability to forgive and not “nurture” resentment. In order to forgive, you need to have a kind of courage - this is the courage to say goodbye to your offense and show understanding and tolerance for the mistakes of another person. And in order not to cultivate resentment within yourself, you need to have flexibility in behavior and get rid of rancor. On the surface, the act of forgiveness may seem easy. But in fact, it involves hard internal work on oneself.
- Patience in achieving goals. In many cases, resentment arises when a person simply did not wait for the result: he hastened to the decision to be offended due to the discrepancy between “expectations and reality.” If he were patient, he would see how hard work pays off and life begins to look more and more like his dream. Therefore, patience is a powerful remedy against the emergence of resentment towards the world.
- No to constant expectations. You shouldn’t become a “Hachiko”, always waiting for a miracle. Excessive fascination with some idea or person, expectation of a better life invariably leads to disappointment. Therefore, in order not to be disappointed, you need to set high but achievable goals, carefully think through the ways to achieve them, and also have great patience on the way to achieving them.
- Forgiving yourself. We blame ourselves for many troubles, so self-forgiveness is the final touch needed to overcome resentment. A person who places the burden of resentment and guilt on himself cannot move on, develop and simply enjoy life. Therefore, in order to avoid outright inaction, indifference regarding one’s fate and making new mistakes, it is worth saying goodbye to all grievances - even resentment towards oneself.
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What does it mean to truly overcome pain?
This means that you will not just wait and endure until it passes, but you will be able to work through it and free yourself from it. This pain will not have any long-term impact on you, nor will it form all sorts of limiting beliefs and condone all sorts of neurotic decisions you may make in the wake of a painful breakup.
If you do not work through the pain after each breakup, then with each breakup you will accumulate and store more and more of your personal idiocy, which will prevent you from having a happy relationship in the future.
Now, to clarify my position on the topic of online advice about resentment and pain after a breakup, I will take as an example an indicative article from the Internet.
The article was written by one Allison Renner. I looked who she was and it said she was a freelance writer. That is, not a psychologist, and Allison and I are “on equal terms.” You can safely criticize her.
Now I will go through her article and will consistently comment on what she wrote.
Psychosomatics of resentment - when not only the soul hurts
You wonder why I should even forgive someone who hurt me? Isn't that what he wanted? Offend a person and not be punished for it? I'll follow his lead! Quite the opposite - if you allow destructive feelings to take over you, you will be defeated both mentally and physically.
The offended person is a vulnerable person who dooms himself to very real psychosomatic illnesses.
Psychosomatics is a direction in psychology that studies the influence of psychological factors on the occurrence of physical (somatic) diseases. A psychosomatic illness is an illness resulting from mental conditions.
Sinelnikov’s table will help you understand how resentment affects physical ailments:
- Headache. Unexpressed grievances, constant concealment of true emotions, communication with people who exert moral pressure cause nervous strain and, as a result, headaches.
- Chronic runny nose. An illness of people who are forced to constantly overcome themselves and hold back tears of resentment.
- Severe coughing, like an unconscious, bodily attempt to attract attention to oneself. Reacting to unspoken opinions that are contrary to others.
- Angina. A sore throat, as if after a loud cry, is the body’s reaction to a person’s inability to express his needs due to stiffness or constriction.
- Nausea and vomiting. Rejection of the existing picture of the world, frightening or depressing circumstances.
- Scabies/rash. Often occurs in people who lose control of too strong negative emotions of resentment, rage and anger.
- Kidney disease indicates a person who sees everything as his fault. Perhaps he was constantly criticized, and he was used to seeing himself as the source of all troubles and problems.
- Cystitis is a disease of women who do not express their dissatisfaction with their sexual partner.
- Gallbladder diseases are frequent companions of people who do not know how to forgive. By cultivating anger in yourself and thinking through plans for revenge, you can provoke stagnation of bile in the body.
- Inflammatory diseases of the genital organs are a sure sign that a person is not confident in his own attractiveness in the eyes of a sexual partner.
- Constipation occurs as a result of psychological constraint and uncertainty about one’s own future. A person suffering from regular constipation holds on to what he no longer needs, afraid of not getting used to the unknown future. This disease is characteristic of conservatives.
- Diarrhea. A strong feeling of fear and self-doubt before an imminently approaching important event causes the intestines to get rid of contents at an accelerated pace. This is a protective reflex due to nature. Since ancient times, a person felt safe in two cases - when he relieved himself and when he had a meal.
- Hemorrhoids and anal fissures often cause a lot of inconvenience to people who have not been able to resolve the conflict between “fathers and sons.” They are constrained by children's unforgiven grievances and misunderstandings on the part of their parents.
- A cold on the lips is an unrealized desire to insult and verbally humiliate an opponent.
This is not a complete list of diseases of psychosomatic origin - there are countless of them. Understand that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness and spinelessness. This is getting rid of destructive relationships, moral burden and many physical problems.
