Quotes from 20 works for the Unified State Examination essay / Blog / Reference

Jokes about the Unified State Exam

You can't escape from the Unified State Examination!

I will never come to the Unified State Exam; I’d rather eat my passport that night.

- Girl, what are you doing tomorrow? — I’m taking the Unified State Exam. - Well, why be so rude right away? They would simply say - no!

Well, I didn’t pass the Unified State Exam, so what happens next? — You just get a high-tech tool called “Broom” - and you become a landscape designer!

Russian schoolchildren have a seasonal exacerbation of the Unified State Examination.

I’m sitting on the Unified State Exam, feeling like Stirlitz on a mission...

There is no need to bother schoolchildren to take the Unified State Exam.

“Forget” the Unified State Exam—the army is waiting for you!

A new horror story for schoolchildren - Baba Unified State Examination.

Many school graduates answered the question “What do you think about the Unified State Exam?” They answer: “Egege! ge, ge, ge"

What is the Unified State Exam? - it is a unified state lottery.

The Unified State Examination is: E2. - Killed. – D4. - Past! - So, the Unified State Examination is over, we hand over our work.

I took the Unified State Exam and didn’t know a damn thing.

- So! Everyone keep quiet and don't get up! And give me your phones. “Maybe I can also give you the money, is this a robbery?” - This is the Unified State Exam, baby.

Once I met a guy in the same classroom, and he told me: “I prepared so well, I even have a cheat sheet.” And he opens his palm - and on it is a piece of paper with the inscription: “You can do it, dude! Believe in yourself!"

The father asks his son: “Well, son, was the Unified State Exam difficult?” - No, it’s not complicated. After all, it is important to know not the correct answer, but its number.

Two after the Unified State Exam: - How many questions did you not answer? - Not one. - Well, what do you hope for? – For flat feet and poor vision.

The thought of every student sitting for an exam: “I hope the one who invented the Unified State Exam has already been punished.”

I didn’t pass the Unified State Exam and joined the army...

Mom, I received a certificate of passing the Unified State Exam. Read it to me, please, what is written there!

When will the relatives of the Minister of Health finally be sent for treatment to an ordinary village hospital, but will the children of the Minister of Education be forced to take the Unified State Exam?

I forgot about the Unified State Exam, but the Unified State Exam did not forget about you!

The Unified State Examination, conducted among five thousand British scientists, was able to successfully pass only one British scientist - Vasily Petrov.

A sure way to test your luck is to put all the answers in the Unified State Exam at random.

The Unified State Exam is illegal, because the Constitution of the Russian Federation (Article 21, Chapter 2) clearly states: “No one should be subjected to torture, violence, or other cruel or degrading treatment.”

The Russian Ministry of Health warns: preparing for the Unified State Exam has a bad effect on your brain.

To combat the publication of answers to the Unified State Exam on the Internet, a new trick has been invented. Starting next year, as before, the questions for all time zones will be the same, but the correct answers will be different.

Now they say about uneducated schoolchildren: “He is a Victim of the Unified State Exam.”

I'm preparing for the Unified State Exam. I remember children’s rhymes, so that if you count, it’s for sure.

People are not judged by the Unified State Examination.

The military commissar goes to all Unified State Examinations every year. Cheer for your own!

Previously, children were frightened by Babayka, and now - by EGEika.

20% of excellent students who were admitted to Moscow State University based on the results of the Unified State Exam. Lomonosov, could not decipher the name of the university.

I passed the Unified State Exam and was immediately tired, I didn’t pass the Unified State Exam and was immediately tired, too, but I ended up in the army.

Non-probability theory: Amazing story! A trained monkey who accidentally escaped from the zoo, accidentally wandered into Moscow State University for the Unified State Exam, randomly filling out the answer form, accidentally entered the Faculty of Mechanics and Mathematics.

– The All-Russian lottery for schoolchildren will begin soon. - Strange, I haven’t heard of this one. What needs to be done there? – No big deal: you just choose one of several options, and your future depends on it. It's called "Unified State Exam".

Amazing case! A trained monkey that accidentally escaped from the zoo accidentally wandered into the Unified State Exam and, having randomly filled out the answer form, entered the Faculty of Mechanics and Mathematics of Moscow State University!

The collection included: funny humor about exams, jokes about schoolchildren, memes about the Unified State Exam.

Quotes on the topic "EGE"

This year something terrible happened, but no one noticed it. Based on the results of the Unified State Examination, the threshold for passing the test to obtain a certificate had to be reduced by a third. Otherwise, a huge part of the graduates would have left school with a “free pass” - with a certificate.

Ay, what great guys! Clean sheets in your hands!

Why did it happen? Did the schoolchildren suddenly become stupid and were unable to pass the exam with dignity? No, as it turned out, this school year they just strengthened control over cheating, and the result was not long in coming - the children showed what their knowledge is really worth.

The problem of education is systemic. There is no single reason for it, by eliminating which it would be possible to solve it. One follows from the other, a third is superimposed on them, and all this closes in a vicious circle. The end result is uneducated graduates who are unable to write even the most basic test with a C grade.

At the heart of everything is the fear of school administrations, who are afraid of scandals. If a teacher suddenly gives a child a well-deserved D, the parent runs to the head teacher screaming about the biased and unfair attitude towards their child. Will the school administration help? A parent, confident in the genius of his child, is not lazy to go to RONO, whose leaders also do not need a scandal. It’s easier for them to call the director and give him the brains. Nobody wants to wash their dirty linen in public, right up to the ministry.

The reluctance to scandals is generated by endemic corruption. Any boss with education has something to take in the ass. School directors, together with head teachers and superintendents, save funds, make decent certificates for bribes, and the bosses from the Regional Educational Institution have kickbacks from everything. Do any of them want to attract attention to their activities with a scandal?

Even if the school were right a hundred thousand times in assessing knowledge negatively, a showdown, if arranged by a parent, would lead to inspections during which all the fraud would be revealed. And no one wants this.

Therefore, the head teacher calls the teacher and yells obscenities at him. If you give him a bad grade, it means you taught him poorly - this is the “logic” that the teaching staff uses. It is impossible to tell the truth in response that the child was conceived while drunk in the entrance by moronic parents who did not devote time to him. This is uneducational and almost a crime.

Parents, those same children of the eighties and nineties who grew up during anarchy, take a child’s failing grade as a personal insult. On the one hand, they cannot and do not want to accept the objective reality that their child is a moron, and on the other, they see a bad grade as an attack on themselves personally. The difficult past of the nineties does not allow them to be idiots, so they go looking for the “truth”. I mean, yelling is irrelevant, but loud.

Children, whom everyone considers small and stupid in their hearts, actually instantly see through the situation with their spinal cord. They won’t get a bad grade, teachers will help them in the exam, their parents will help them, and that’s why they gladly go to school to eat.

Go to any educational institution - there have never been so many happy, chomping jaws there before. Children today go to classes with pleasure, school has become not an abode of knowledge and not a place of work, but a get-together where they eat, drink, eat again and communicate with the same jabberwocks.

Teachers are no more stupid than children. Seeing such an attitude towards themselves, when the school administration is yelling at them, indignant parents come running, and the children directly send them to hell, the poor teachers decide out of anger and resentment that they will burn it all with a blue flame. Do you need a mark? Yes, get any, just don’t touch me, I don’t need problems. And I don’t care that the child will remain a moron with a purchased diploma from a basement university.

This whole situation, this whole tangle of evil comes together as a contradiction in the exam. If the teacher gives a C in the journal, then the child must write the Unified State Exam no worse. Otherwise, he will be asked: how did you teach him that he could not write the test? And exam time gets hot. Teachers help children so as not to get into trouble, parents pay bribes to get a higher score, all the management is shaking and counting money. And the children - the children are eating again, they don’t give a damn, because how many people are involved so that they pass the exam.

It turns out that if you take the Unified State Examination under strict control, the bullshit bubble will burst. Everyone will get it: teachers - for fictitious current grades, administration - for bribes for certificates, parents - an objective assessment of the abilities of their moronic children, and children - what they deserve.

All this happened this year, although not to the fullest extent - after all, they have not yet completely gotten rid of write-offs. It’s scary to imagine what will happen if the Unified State Exam procedure is brought to perfection. In the best case, those who are especially diligent will have to issue a certificate of completed service dog training course instead of a certificate. And this is scary, because today’s graduates are our future.

Quotes from Vasilyeva about the Unified State Exam

Education Minister Olga Vasilyeva’s first year in office is coming to an end. And the Pedagogical Council begins, together with Olga Yuryevna, to sum up its results. Today we have collected the minister’s statements about the Unified State Exam made during this year.

Photo: ntv.ru

August 24, 2021 . Conference “An Hour with the Minister” at the Public Chamber of the Russian Federation.

“We must look at what is happening with the Unified State Exam, take the best, discard what is not worth doing, and move forward. I believe that children should not be trained to take the Unified State Exam outside of school hours - it should be aimed at educating and shaping a person. “A person is our main task, and out-of-school time is the time when you can talk to a child and do something so that he grows up as a citizen of our country.”

September 27, 2021 . All-Russian meeting of regional ministers.

“As for the oral part of the Unified State Exam in Russian, there will be no exam this year. It will be there next year."

August 30, 2021. All-Russian parent meeting.

“We are already working on this matter, analyzing what we have. I want to say right away what will happen this year. Physics, chemistry, biology - test tasks with ready-made answers will be removed. This is a completely different approach. For the first time this year, 9th grade will have an oral part - Russian language and literature."

October 25, 2021 . Broadcast of the TV channel "Russia 1".

About changes in the Unified State Examination in literature from 2021: “There will be three blocks of tasks. They will all be deployed. The first block is aimed at literary analysis, that is, it turns out that this is a fragment of some epic work, maybe a lyric epic fragment. The second block - the student also takes the analysis of a lyrical work, but in the second block he uses, first of all, the analysis of visual and expressive means. The third block will be presented in the form of an essay.”

November 03, 2021. Second All-Russian Congress of Geography Teachers.

“The concept proposes the introduction of a compulsory exam in geography in the ninth and 11th grades. This initiative is good, but this initiative needs to be discussed in detail, including financially.”

May 19, 2021. Lecture “The role and place of science and education in today's Russia. Challenges and prospects.”

“In 2021, the whole country will take history. Because without knowledge of history it is impossible to move on.”

May 29, 2021. SIC meeting.

“In 2022, passing the Unified State Exam in a foreign language will become mandatory. And starting from 2021, it will operate as a regular pilot in several regions.”

June 02, 2021. St. Petersburg International Economic Forum.

“The fact that now the whole country will surrender history is impossible. Ideally, of course - now I’ll be torn to shreds - but ideally, of course, everyone should take the literature test. This is the ideal. Literature is now taken by children who are going to philology; there are very few of them, unfortunately.”

August 01, 2021. Interview to the Rossiya-24 TV channel.

“As far as history is concerned, you heard, the conversation about this is absolutely clear, history should be a compulsory subject for passing the Unified State Exam. There is no need to make big, frightened eyes at anyone, I’ll explain why. This is world practice. Each country takes the national language and native history.”

August 01, 2021. Interview to TV channel "Russia-24"

“We now have almost 70% of the guys from out of town, 30% of Muscovites in Moscow. That is, there is an opportunity to come with a good Unified State Exam result and enter the best university in the country. I don’t think we will ever cancel the Unified State Exam. The quality of exams and approaches to the Unified State Exam is improving. This year we have one and a half times fewer violations identified than last year. If we go further along the path, we will move away from this “training” that we have talked so much about, and still say that we must teach children so that children do not experience fear. And this can be removed if the child knows. We have to teach him everything, you can’t coach him.”

Aphorisms and quotes about exams

A stupid applicant pays the tutor, and a smart one pays the examiner. Konstantin Melikhan

If you don't know the answer to a question, someone will certainly ask it. "Prescher's Examination Law"

Never, under any circumstances, say “I don’t know.” I don’t know - it is regarded as evidence of complete lack of will. General Alexander Lebed about exams at the military academy

It is much more pleasant to take exams with a young computer than with an elderly professor. The computer rarely complains to the assistant about ulcers, insomnia and a ridiculous salary. Sylvia Cheese

Exams mean absolutely nothing. If you are a gentleman, then you know as much as you need, and if you are not a gentleman, then any knowledge only harms you. Oscar Wilde

The best lessons come from exams. Slawomir Wroblewski

Exams: the only opportunity to know at least something for at least a few days. Georges Elgozy

Exams are a lose-lose lottery. Gennady Malkin

In exams, those who are not at all interested in the answer question those who cannot answer. Walter Raleigh

The examiner's great advantage is that he sits on the best side of the table. Edouard Herriot

Anyone, no matter how smart they are, fears exams, because during an exam the stupidest person can ask more than the smartest person can answer. Charles Caleb Colton

Come to the exams with a fresh head: you will have to understand many things for the first time. Folklore of the Physics and Technology Institute of Moscow State University

Do you think you will get a C on the exam? They will, but it won’t make it any easier for you. Army folklore

Those who know how to forget are more likely to pass the life exam. Jerzy Lec

As long as there are exams in school, prayer will exist in it. Unknown American

The cheat sheet is offensive to the professor because the student fits the contents of all his lectures into it. Konstantin Melikhan

I was expelled from college for cheating on a metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me. Woody Allen

Since everything in Russia is corrupt, the exam has become a new industry for professors. It looks like a bad customs checkpoint, into which old disabled people let through for money those who did not know how to pass by. Alexander Pushkin

Experience is the worst teacher. He always has an exam first, and then an explanation. Benjamin Franklin

The best lessons come from exams. Slawomir Wroblewski

Life constantly gives us exams, distracting us from the process of improving it G. Alexandrov

If life is our eternal teacher, then our main exam is death. Andrey Lavrukhin