Mark Twain quotes in English with translation

Quotes. Mark Twain

"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation."
Mark Twain "A man's character can be learned from the adjectives he habitually uses in conversation." Mark Twain “To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.” Mark Twain “To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence.” Mark Twain

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” Mark Twain "Get your facts first, and then you can twist them as you please." Mark Twain

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." Mark Twain "Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see." Mark Twain

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” Mark Twain "It's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." Mark Twain "You can't rely on your eyes when your imagination is unfocused." Mark Twain

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." Mark Twain 1) “If you tell the truth, you won't have to remember anything.” Mark Twain 2) “If you tell the truth, you don’t need to remember anything.” Mark Twain

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." Mark Twain "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." Mark Twain

"All generalizations are false, including this one." Mark Twain "All generalizations are false, including this one." Mark Twain

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." Mark Twain "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to stop and think." Mark Twain

"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read." Mark Twain "A man who does not read has no advantage over a man who cannot read." Mark Twain

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” Mark Twain "Good friends, good books and a sleeping conscience: this is the ideal life." Mark Twain

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Mark Twain Quotes in English

On this page you will find quotes by Mark Twain in English; you will definitely need this information for your general development.

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs. Man has a natural desire to have more good things than he needs.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. A lie manages to travel halfway around the world while the truth puts on its pants.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. A person cannot be satisfied with life if he is not satisfied with himself.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. One of the secrets to a successful life is to eat what you like and let the food fight for survival.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I will repeat myself.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. The difference between the correct and almost correct word is the same as between lightning and the flicker of a firefly.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the world owes you something—it was there before you and doesn’t owe you anything.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Don't give up your illusions. When they are gone, you may continue to exist, but you will cease to live.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more flexible.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. There's nothing more annoying than a good example.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Get your facts first and then you can twist them however you like.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Always honestly admit your mistakes, this will dull the vigilance of your superiors and allow you to make new ones.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. I refused to attend his funeral, but sent a very polite letter approving the event.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. I don't care about a person who can only spell a word one way.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. I've been through terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. I never allowed school to interfere with my education.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. Truth is stranger than fiction.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. In certain circumstances, blasphemy brings relief that prayer cannot find.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anyone. Water consumed in moderation cannot harm anyone.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. We're always more willing to stand out for a talent we don't have than to be praised for the fifteen others we do have.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. It was good for Adam! If he happened to make a successful joke, he could be sure that he was not repeating old jokes.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. A person who is unable to deceive himself is unlikely to be able to deceive others.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it actually happened or not.

When in doubt, tell the truth. When in doubt, tell the truth.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. I never did any exercise other than sleep and rest.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Always do the right thing. This will satisfy some people and surprise others.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. It has been proven by facts and figures that there is little difference between American crime and Congress.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have honors and not deserve them.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. It is better to remain silent and appear a fool than to speak up and dispel all doubts.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. By the grace of God in our country we have three precious blessings: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to use either one or the other.

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect. An enemy can partially destroy a person, but only a very kind, irreplaceable friend can bring his work to the end.

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On this page you will find quotes by Mark Twain in English; you will definitely need this information for your general development.

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs. Man has a natural desire to have more good things than he needs.

***

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. A lie manages to travel halfway around the world while the truth puts on its pants.

***

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. A person cannot be satisfied with life if he is not satisfied with himself.

***

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I will repeat myself.

***

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. The best way to make yourself laugh is to make someone else laugh.

***

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. The coldest winter I've ever seen was in the summer in San Francisco.

***

The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. The history of mankind and the experience of each individual have clearly shown that the truth is not difficult to kill, and a lie, beautifully told, is completely immortal.

***

Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupidity, the vast limits of their knowledge. Education is what reveals to the intelligent and hides from the stupid the vast extent of their knowledge.

***

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more flexible.

***

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Familiarity breeds disrespect... and children.

***

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. There's nothing more annoying than a good example.

***

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Fiction must resemble the possible, but truth must not.

***

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Get your facts first and then you can twist them however you like.

***

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. All you need in this life is ignorance and trust, then success is guaranteed.

***

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. I refused to attend his funeral, but sent a very polite letter approving the event.

***

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. I don't care about a person who can only spell a word one way.

***

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He couldn't lie; I can, but I won't. I am a higher and more principled person than George Washington - he said that he could not lie, but I can, but I don’t.

***

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. I've been through terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

***

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. I never allowed school to interfere with my education.

***

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. Truth is stranger than fiction.

***

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. In certain circumstances, blasphemy brings relief that prayer cannot find.

***

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anyone. Water consumed in moderation cannot harm anyone.

***

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. A person who is unable to deceive himself is unlikely to be able to deceive others.

***

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it actually happened or not.

***

When in doubt, tell the truth. When in doubt, tell the truth.

***

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. I never did any exercise other than sleep and rest.

***

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Always do the right thing. This will satisfy some people and surprise others.

***

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have honors and not deserve them.

***

Mark Twain

Mark Twain was born in the state of Missouri in the United States in 1835. His father was an unsuccessful lawyer. The family rarely lived more than a year or two in the same town. That is why the future writer did not even finish secondary school. He went to work at the age of 12.

For two years he worked for his elder brother's small newspaper both as a printer and reporter.

In 1857 he became a pilot on the Mississippi river. He continued to write.

"The Adventures of Tom Sawyer". The book was read by everyone, by the young and old and was translated into nearly every language in the world. “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” was such a success that in 1884 he wrote “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”, and then “Tom Sawyer Abroad” and “Tom Sawyer the Detective” in 1896. There were many other books written by Mark Twain . But his novels about Tom Sawyer and his friend Huckleberry Finn brought him world fame. Mark Twain's real name was Sammuel Clemens. He took his penname from the words “to mark” and “twain” which were used by leadsmen on the steamboats to mark the depth of two fathoms.

Mark Twain's stories enjoy widespread popularity. His characters are always well-drawn, his stories are true-to-life and the plots of his stories are skilfullybuilt up.

Many years have passed since Mark Twain's death, but even now we enjoy reading his works. Besides being a humorist, Mark Twain is also a realist — the author of biting satires and bitterly critical pages revealing a good deal of the truth about American way of life.

Mark Twain (translation)

Mark Twain was born in Missouri in the United States of America in 1835. His father was an unsuccessful lawyer. The family rarely lived in the same city for more than 1-2 years. That's why the future writer didn't even finish high school. He went to work at the age of 12.

For two years he worked as a printer and reporter in the editorial office of a small newspaper owned by his older brother.

In 1857, he became a pilot on the Mississippi River and continued to write.

In 1876 he wrote The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. The book was read by everyone - children and adults; it was translated into almost all languages of the world. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer was such a success that in 1884 he wrote The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and then Tom Sawyer Abroad in Tom Sawyer Detective, published in 1896. Mark Twain wrote many more books, but his novels about Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn brought him worldwide fame. Mark Twain's real name was Samuel Clemens. He chose for himself the expression “marktven” as a pseudonym, which among steamboat pilots meant a depth of two fathoms.

Mark Twain's stories are widely popular. The characters of his characters are always well developed, his stories are true, and his plots are masterfully constructed.

Many years have passed since Mark Twain died, but even now we still enjoy his works. In addition to being a humorist, he is also a realist, the author of biting satire and pages of biting criticism that reveal the truth about the American way of life.

Portal for schoolchildren. Self-preparation

You can never go wrong if you do the right thing.

Mark Twain

I heard this phrase for the first time in the film “The Intern” and it caused resistance and a lot of thought in me. I thought: “How can this be! After all, there is no “right”, just as there is no “norm”. Everything in this life is subjective, much in our consciousness is embedded in culture. How can you use such strong words! How can you be so categorical! After all, if there is something right, it means that someone is knowingly committing “wrong actions.” But the same decision can be right for a person, but wrong for others?! You can not do it this way! It is impossible to do the “right” thing!”

This is just an approximate description of my thoughts, at the emotional level I felt tension and resistance, my soul seemed to be screaming: “This is not true! This can’t be!”

And, of course, having noticed such strong emotions, I turned to myself with questions: “What caught me so much in this phrase? Why doesn’t she get out of my head for a week... two... a month? Why did this phrase come into my life?

Gradually I found answers to these questions for myself. I accepted that there are laws in life that need to be relied upon, that there is something stable and fundamental, which is what is “right.” It would seem that I knew this before: were the years of studying psychology wasted?! Only the question was not one of knowledge, but of admitting to oneself one’s excessive tolerance and worship of subjectivism; in the feeling that there is “black and white” in life, and not just “shades of gray”*.

But what then is this correct foundation on which everything should be built?! I will assume that this foundation is myself (well, again, no great discoveries). Probably, every person, deep down in his soul, always knows what will be right in accordance with his principles, values and needs. But along with the “right”, there is a parallel “should”. And it was precisely this confrontation that caused discomfort in me, because “should” is for family and others, for prestige and status, for maintaining one’s own mask and avoiding one’s own fears. And “right” is for me, for my comfort and inner harmony.

What is interesting is “correct” from the position of society is not always logical and can lead to external negative consequences for me. For example, I made a big mistake at work, but no one realized that it was me. The consequences turned out to be disastrous, the leadership is tearing up and running, looking for the culprit, throwing accusations at everyone. Only surprisingly, suspicion doesn’t even fall on me. I feel that the “right” thing for me would be to confess everything, since the feeling of guilt and injustice gnaws at me. I realize that I could be fired, deprived of my bonus, and I could fall under the “disfavor” of management. But my heart/soul/gut (choose what you want) says: “The right thing to do is confess!” So, I have to admit it.

I think Mark Twain's quote is about this: we always know what is “right” according to our life principles, values and needs, and by doing “right” we always win, despite the external consequences. And we make mistakes precisely when we close our eyes to our own “right” and act from other motives, for example, “should” (although this is not the only possible alternative).

Probably, some of you, after reading these lines, will think that I have not discovered anything new. For the world, perhaps. For myself, I learned from experience the difference between intellectual knowledge, which fits into the head, but essentially changes little, and sensory experience, which is imprinted on the heart and changes absolutely everything.

*Some people, on the contrary, find it difficult to recognize the presence of gray shades. But that’s a completely different story!”

What do you think about these words of Mark Twain?

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What do you think about these words of Mark Twain?

You can never go wrong if you do the right thing. Mark Twain

I heard this phrase for the first time in the film “The Intern” and it caused resistance and a lot of thought in me. I thought: “How can this be! After all, there is no “right”, just as there is no “norm”. Everything in this life is subjective, much in our consciousness is embedded in culture. How can you use such strong words! How can you be so categorical! After all, if there is something right, it means that someone is knowingly committing “wrong actions.” But the same decision can be right for a person, but wrong for others?! You can not do it this way! It is impossible to do the “right” thing!”

This is just an approximate description of my thoughts, at the emotional level I felt tension and resistance, my soul seemed to be screaming: “This is not true! This can’t be!”

And, of course, having noticed such strong emotions, I turned to myself with questions: “What caught me so much in this phrase? Why doesn’t she get out of my head for a week... two... a month? Why did this phrase come into my life?

What is interesting is “correct” from the position of society is not always logical and can lead to external negative consequences for me. For example, I made a big mistake at work, but no one realized that it was me. The consequences turned out to be disastrous, the leadership is tearing up and running, looking for the culprit, throwing accusations at everyone. Only surprisingly, suspicion doesn’t even fall on me. I feel that the “right” thing for me would be to confess everything, since the feeling of guilt and injustice gnaws at me. I realize that I could be fired, deprived of my bonus, and I could fall under the “disfavor” of management. But my heart/soul/gut (choose what you want) says: “The right thing to do is confess!” So, I have to admit it.

*Some people, on the contrary, find it difficult to recognize the presence of gray shades. But that’s a completely different story!”

I do not intend to spoil relations with either heaven or hell - I have friends in both places.

1835, November 30.

Samuel Clemens, the future writer Mark Twain, was born in the village of Florida, Missouri.
“There were a hundred people in Florida at that time, and I increased the population by exactly one percent. Not every historical figure can boast that he did more for his hometown.” 1839.
The Clemens move to the town of Hannibal.
1850.
Samuel's first literary experiences in a local newspaper published by his brother Orion.
1853 – 1861.
Samuel Clemens travels around the country, working as a pilot on the Mississippi.
“I am one of those who would give up literature at any moment to take the helm again.” 1862.
Twain is a prospector in Nevada.
“I once worked in gold mines and I know everything about gold mining except one thing: how to make money there.” 1863.
First correspondence signed "Mark Twain."
1867.
Arrival in New York.
Twain's first collection of short stories, The Famous Jumping Frog. 1869:
Twain's book "Innocents Abroad" is a huge success.
1870.
Marriage to Olivia Langdon.
“I am so happy that I cannot remember the senselessly lost thirty years of my life without pain. If I had to go through life all over again, I would get married right away, without waiting until I cut my teeth or until I learn how to break dishes.” 1871.
Twain moves to Hartford (Connecticut).
1876.
"The Adventures of Tom Sawyer."
1882.
"The Prince and the Pauper."
1885.
"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn."
1889.
"A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court."
1895 – 1896.
Travel around the world with public readings - to pay off debts.
1907.
Twain is awarded an honorary doctorate from Oxford University.
“I came into the world with Halley’s Comet. I would like to linger until she returns and leave this mortal coil with her.” 1910, April 24.
Death of Mark Twain. In the sky, as at his birth, Halley's Comet shone again.

I was born without teeth, and here Richard III has an advantage over me. But I was born without a hump, and here the advantage is on my side. My parents were poor - in moderation, and honest - also in moderation.

* * *

As far as I understand, you would like to get information from me about how I lied for the first time in my life and how I got out of this lie. I was born in 1835; Now I am quite a few years old and my memory is not what it used to be. It would be better if you asked how and when I first told the truth, it would be much easier for me to answer this, since I remember these circumstances quite clearly. My family claims that this happened the week before last, but this is simply flattery on their part.

* * *

One of Mark Twain's afternoon speeches:
When I was a boy, I went to a school where the use of birch twigs was not unusual. Writing on the desk was strictly prohibited, under threat of a fine of five dollars or public flogging - your choice. Once I broke this law. My father decided that public flogging was too much for me and gave me five dollars. In those days, five dollars was a considerable sum, while a spanking had no special consequences; That’s how…” here Twain shook the ash off his cigar and continued, “…that’s how I earned my first five dollars.”

* * *

My literary destiny is very interesting. I have never been able to lie so that no one would believe me; when I told the truth, no one wanted to believe me.

* * *

I have never kept a promise I made in my life. It is very likely that the place was allocated with such generosity for the organ that gives me the ability to promise
that there was not enough space for the organ that would give me the ability
to keep
promises. But I'm not sad. I don't tolerate half-heartedness in anything. I prefer one highly developed ability to two ordinary ones.

* * *

I'm a bumpkin from Missouri who, over the years, has turned into a Connecticut Yankee. I was a fusion of Missouri morals and Connecticut culture. In my opinion, gentlemen, this is the perfect combination.

* * *

About the years when money was tight:
Need gives birth to courage. I have no doubt that if at that time I had been offered to translate the Talmud from Hebrew, I would have taken it, and at the same time I would have tried to introduce as much fiction into it as possible for the same money.

* * *

I could become a soldier if I wanted. I have already mastered part of the military craft: I know more about retreat than the man who invented retreat.

* * *

I was awarded the Legion of Honor. However, few people managed to avoid this difference.

* * *

I have rarely been able to spot a good opportunity before it ceased to be one.

* * *

I have never exercised in my life, except for sleeping and lying on the couch.

* * *

I'm no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that's simply because I hit my limit forty years ago. Everything has a limit!

* * *

At 72 years of age:
At two o'clock in the morning I feel like an old man like everyone else. At this time, life in a person barely glimmers. At this hour I am extremely sinful. Youth and courage return by six o'clock in the morning.

* * *

My books are water;
books of great geniuses - wine. Everyone drinks water. Adam and Eve had many advantages over us, but their greatest luck was that they avoided teething.

* * *

It must have been difficult for Adam and Eve to have a conversation: they had no one to gossip about.

* * *

If the serpent had been forbidden, Adam would have eaten it too.

* * *

It was good for Adam! If he happened to make a successful joke, he could be sure that he was not repeating old jokes.

* * *

Let us be grateful to Adam, our benefactor. He took away from us the “blessing” of idleness and brought upon us the “curse” of work.

* * *

Now I see that I was mistaken about Eve: it is better to live outside of heaven with her than without her - in heaven.
About Gold Rush California:

Concerned crowds of people were scurrying through the streets, work was in full swing everywhere, there was laughter, music, swearing, people danced, quarreled, shot and slaughtered each other, every evening for breakfast the newspapers served their readers a fresh corpse - murder and inquest - in a word, there was everything here what decorates life.

* * *

Satan, addressing the stranger, irritably: “You Chicagoans imagine that you are the best here; but in fact, there are simply more of you here than anyone else.”

* * *

The most beautiful women we met in France were born and raised in America.

* * *

Although we are skeptical democrats, we are overwhelmed with happiness when the Duke notices us; and when the monarch notices us, we suffer from a softening of the brain until the end of our days. We try our best to keep silent about these priceless meetings, and sometimes some of us manage to keep our dukes and monarchs to ourselves; it costs us a lot of work, but sometimes we succeed. As for me, I have trained myself so diligently and persistently in this form of self-denial that I can now calmly and indifferently watch how an American returning from Europe carelessly and gratefully imitates the counts he met; I can watch silently and serenely, without trying to bring him into fresh water and force him to reveal his cards, although I myself have three kings and a couple of emperors hidden just in case.

* * *

October 12th is America's Discovery Day.
It is wonderful that America was discovered, but it would have been much more wonderful if Columbus had sailed by. When you read the Bible, you are more surprised by God's ignorance than by his omniscience.

* * *

Man was created on the last day of creation, when God was already tired.

* * *

The Lord, having created the world, admitted that he was pleased with it. I was also pleased with my first creation. But time overturns such hasty conclusions. One must assume that now he values his work no more highly than I value my “Simps Abroad.” After all, it is a fact that there is too much water here and there.

* * *

I often think that it would have been better if Noah and his crew were late for their ark.

* * *

If I had lived at the beginning of the world, I would have first listened to what my neighbors said about the murder of Abel before loudly condemning Cain.

* * *

Methuselah lived 969 years. You, dear boys and girls, will see more in the next ten years than Methuselah saw in his entire life.

* * *

The trouble with providence: very often you wonder who it actually favors? An example is the case with the children, the bears and the prophet: the bears had more fun than the prophet, because they got the children. (The following passage of the Bible was meant: “As he [the prophet Elisha] walked along the road, little children came out of the city and mocked him, and said to him: Go, you bald man! Go, you bald man! He looked back and saw them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she bears came out of the forest and tore to pieces forty-two children from them.”)

* * *

No other books bring in such income as the Bible, and even obscene books, or rather, other obscene books.

* * *

To this day, I remain bitter towards those who were supposed to protect my early years, but instead not only allowed me, but forced me to read the entire text of the Bible from the first to the last page before I was fifteen years old. . After this, not a single person can cleanse himself of sinful thoughts until the end of his days.

* * *

The old God of the Bible had the savvy of a businessman. As soon as the conversation turned to cash pieces of silver, he immediately stopped the official chatter (piety, high feelings, mercy) and got down to business. The ringing of silver and counting of income is the leitmotif of the Bible.

* * *

Even from what is said in the Gospel, it is clear that the devil was simple-minded. He led Christ to a high mountain, he promised him the whole world if he submitted to him. It was a ridiculous proposal. First, Christ, since he was the son of God, already owned the whole world. Secondly, what the devil could show him from the mountain was not the whole world, but several acres of rocky land in Palestine. You might as well try to seduce Rockefeller, the owner of the Standard Oil Company, with a gallon of kerosene.

* * *

God is fierce in the Old Testament and charming in the New - the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of the sacred novel.
It's better to be a young dung beetle than an old bird of paradise.

* * *

What is human life? The first third is a good time; the rest is a memory of him.

* * *

Everything in the world is turned upside down. Life should begin as an old man, possessing all the advantages of old age - position, experience, wealth - and end it as a young man who can enjoy all this so brilliantly. And now the world is structured in such a way that in your youth, when you can’t count the pleasures you get with just one dollar, you don’t have that dollar. In old age, you have a dollar, but there is nothing you would like to buy with it.

* * *

Mrs. H.'s husband, ninety-two years old, fell and broke his nose. Mrs. H. fears that this could disfigure him for life.

* * *

Wrinkles should only be traces of past smiles.

* * *

What to do with the person who was the first to celebrate his birthday? Killing is not enough.

* * *

It's a pity that we can't escape from life when we're young.

* * *

In 1880, Twain received a letter from a Texas schoolboy who, on the topic assigned at school: “Which great man would you like to become?”, wrote that he would like to become Mark Twain.
Now he asked the writer whether he would want, if it were possible, to become an ordinary boy? Twain replied yes. But under certain conditions. First, he must “remain a pilot forever.” Secondly, “may it be summer forever, may the magnolias bloom on Ruffle Point, and may the canes on the sugar plantations turn green. Let me not have to get up on watch at midnight, unless there is a full moon; let there always be high water, and the steamer glides along the river like a duck on a pond, let there be friends nearby, and we will chat all day long, smoking and saluting with horns to oncoming ships. Let the voyage be long, and the stops short, and let the crew be the same all the time, which I myself selected from the guys with whom I hung out about twenty years ago - only the trouble is, half of them are no longer in the world, and the rest are scattered across the country, and the wreck of my steamboat has long been rotting at the bottom of a bend near New Madrid, Missouri.” Education is everything. Peach was once a bitter almond; Cauliflower is nothing more than ordinary cabbage with a higher education.

* * *

Good parenting is the ability to hide the fact that you have a very high opinion of yourself and a very low opinion of your interlocutor.

* * *

Good manners are the organized protection of mature people from young people.

* * *

I never allowed my schoolwork to interfere with my education.

* * *

God created idiots first, just for practice. Then he created school mentors.

* * *

One who does not read good books has no advantage over a person who does not know how to read them.

* * *

Mark Twain gave a speech at his school graduation. Then one of the schoolchildren was presented with an award - “Webster's Great Dictionary”. “This is a very interesting and useful book, son,” said Twain. “I turned to her often, but I never understood the essence of this story.

* * *

I have long had a grudge against people who cite foreign texts and do not immediately explain them with translation. If the author hopes that I will figure it out myself, then he, of course, flatters my pride - but let him better take care of the translation, and so be it, I will sacrifice my pride.

* * *

What a naked, cold iceberg - pure intellectual greatness!

* * *

The information that the ancients did not have was very extensive.

* * *

I was glad that I could give an answer immediately. So I did. I said I don't know.

* * *

His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and you would not find a single hole in it.
Do not miss the opportunity to do good - unless it threatens you with great damage. Don't miss an opportunity to drink - under any circumstances.

* * *

John Wagner is Buffalo's oldest resident. He is 104 years old and has never drunk a drop of alcohol in his entire life, except whiskey.

* * *

Water consumed in moderation has never harmed anyone.

* * *

Having switched to a sober lifestyle, you suddenly notice that you are completely drunk from the smell of vodka cork.

* * *

A vow of abstinence cannot make bad whiskey good, but it can improve its taste.

* * *

They gave a lecture about sobriety, but the money they made was so small that they didn’t even have enough to buy a drink.

* * *

A stranger arrived in a city where prohibition was in effect. He was told that alcohol was sold only at the pharmacy. He ran to the pharmacy. “I can sell alcohol without a prescription only if there is a snake bite,” the pharmacist explained. “Okay, where is your snake?” The pharmacist gave him the address. Very soon the visitor returned: “For God’s sake, give me a drink!” This snake is busy for six months ahead!

* * *

The sight of a drunk certainly brings to mind some other drunken story.

* * *

He returned home from the club at two in the morning. It was fun and easy for him, and the house swayed, swayed, swayed. He waited until the steps of the porch approached him and deftly jumped up. And the house swayed, swayed, swayed. He did not take his eyes off the door and, when it was in his way, he quickly ducked and found himself at the stairs leading to the second floor. Then he got down on all fours and crawled up, but the house was unstable and it was difficult to crawl. He lost his balance, slid down the stairs and sat on the bottom step, holding tightly to the railing. “God,” he thought, “what is it like for the poor sailors on such a night!”

* * *

He said he had enough whiskey for two drinking bouts and one delirium tremens.

* * *

Once in a lifetime, Fortune knocks on every person’s door, but at this time a person often sits in the nearest pub and does not hear any knock.
Man will never reach such dizzying heights of wisdom that he cannot be fooled by the nose.

* * *

I must have a huge reserve of mind: sometimes it takes a whole week to use it.

* * *

From The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:
Aren't all the fools in town on our side? And don't they constitute the overwhelming majority in any city?

* * *

Scoffers, even the most mediocre and stupid, can ruin any character, even the most beautiful and noble. Take a donkey for example: its character is almost impeccable, and it is a storehouse of intelligence next to other ordinary animals, but look what ridicule has done to it. Instead of feeling flattered when we are called asses, we feel doubtful.

* * *

In South Carolina, the only talk is about a pig with a human head that appeared there. What a surprise, just think!

* * *

By nature he was endowed with an amount of stupidity that would be enough to encircle the globe four times and also tie a knot.

* * *

The right to stupidity is one of the guarantees of the free development of the individual.

* * *

God protects fools and children, says the proverb.
This is the absolute truth. I know this because I tested it on myself. To each his own. Saint Francis of Assisi said: “Every saint can perform a miracle, but not everyone can run a hotel decently.”

* * *

It is fashionable in New England to give Indian names to hotels, not because the late savages were knowledgeable in the hotel business, but because warlike Indian names have such a powerful effect on the imagination of the traveler humbly begging for lodging that he is grateful to the kind and generous clerk if he will let him go without scalping him.

* * *

It was once a good hotel, but I was once a good boy.

* * *

Twain once lived in a hotel room with very thin walls. “The partitions are so thin,” he noted, “that you can hear the lady in the next room’s brains moving.”

* * *

Twain stayed at a Canadian hotel.
The last entry in the visitors' book read: "Richard Harding Davies - with valet." Twain, in turn, wrote: “Mark Twain - with a suitcase.” A rich person can have any principles.

* * *

Few of us can bear the burden of wealth. Of course, someone else's.

* * *

The rich don't care about anyone but themselves; only the poor sympathize with the poor and help them.

* * *

The Italian king increased the annual salary of his soldiers by three and a half dollars. They used to get seven. But will they really be happier than when they were poor?

* * *

If everyone were rich, then everyone would be poor.

* * *

A banker is a person who will lend you an umbrella on a sunny day and take it away the moment it starts to rain.

* * *

You should refrain from speculating on the stock exchange in two cases: if you do not have funds and if you do have them.

* * *

October is one of the most dangerous months of the year for trading on the stock exchange. The remaining dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

* * *

The fool said, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” – in other words: scatter your interests and money! And the sage said: “Put all your eggs in one basket, but... TAKE CARE OF THE BASKET!”

* * *

A simple way to save money: when you are overwhelmed by the desire to immediately donate money to some charitable cause, do not rush: count to forty - you will save half the money; count to sixty - you save three quarters; count to sixty-five and you will save everything.

* * *

Let's not be too picky. It is better to have old used diamonds than not to have any.

* * *

When I first saw St. Louis, I could have bought it for six million dollars, and it was the mistake of my life that I didn't. It was sad now to look at this huge city, at its bell towers and domes, at the countless piles of stone and cement, stretching on both sides into a vague immeasurable distance, and remember that I had missed such an opportunity. Why I missed her - now at first glance seems both incomprehensible and absurd, but at that time there were reasons that justified this act.

* * *

A year ago I was a virtuous person. And now that I have encountered New York morals, I have no more conscience left than a millionaire.

* * *

Actually, I am against millionaires, but if I were offered to become one...
Good children and adults should always complete their work. In the old days, when little boys were always good little boys, a workman happened to drive a cartridge into a rock. The cartridge exploded prematurely, sending the worker flying into the air. He flew higher and higher, became smaller and smaller, until he completely disappeared from sight. But then he appeared again; At first he seemed the size of a bird, then the size of a kitten, then the size of a dog, then the size of a child, and finally he sank to his old place and continued to work as if nothing had happened - this is constancy. This is the secret of success. True, the owner did not properly appreciate his worker and, when paying him his salary, deducted for the fifteen minutes that the worker spent in the air.

A true friend is with you when you are wrong. When you are right, everyone will be with you.

* * *

Friendship is such a sacred, sweet, lasting and permanent feeling that you can keep it for life, unless, of course, you try to borrow money.

* * *

It is easy to call a person wise, but it is much more difficult to convince his friends of this.

* * *

If you need money, go to strangers; if you need advice, go to your friends; and if you don’t need anything, go to your relatives.

* * *

There is an old toast, remarkable in its beauty: “When you climb to the top of success, may your friend not meet you.”

* * *

Your enemy and your friend work together to hit you in the heart: one says nasty things about you, the other passes his words to you.

* * *

Good friends, good books and a sleeping conscience - this is an ideal life.
I strongly disapprove of dueling. I think they are stupid and I know they are dangerous. And also sinful. If now someone challenged me to a duel, I would tenderly, brotherly take him by the hand, and lead him to a quiet, secluded place, and kill him

his.

* * *

The French duel is the most useful form of recreation, since it takes place in the open air; French duelists are the only people on earth who can count on immortality.

* * *

About German student duelists:
If you see a German with a disfigured face, you can never be sure whether he was maimed in war or simply received a higher education.

* * *

In 1864, Twain was scheduled to shoot with Laird, the owner of a rival newspaper, and before the duel he decided to practice shooting under the guidance of his second Steve Gillies.
Twain never hit the target. “Just at that moment,” he says, “a small bird, no bigger than a sparrow, flew past and settled on a wormwood bush, about thirty yards from us. Steve pulled out a revolver and shot her head off. At this very time, Laird and his company appeared around the bend. When Laird's second saw this bird with its head shot off, he turned pale and, as one could immediately see, became agitated. He asked: “Who shot it?” Before I could open my mouth, Steve said completely calmly, in a businesslike tone: “This is Clemens.” The second said: “Well, amazing!” And how far was the bird? Steve replied: “No, not really—about thirty yards.” The second said: “Yes, surprisingly accurate.” And how often does he get this way? Steve answered languidly: “Oh, four times out of five!” The second said: “Yes, the accuracy is amazing!” And I thought that he wouldn’t even get into church. I marveled at his insight, but remained silent. They immediately said goodbye. The second led Laird home, who was not quite steady on his feet, and Laird soon sent me a handwritten note that he did not agree with me to shoot on any terms. If the duel had taken place, he would have riddled my skin so much that no principles would have been retained in it.” A true southern watermelon is a special gift of nature, and cannot be mixed with any ordinary gifts. Taste it and you will understand what angels eat. Eve did not taste watermelon, no, we know that for sure: after all, she repented.

End of free trial

You can never go wrong if you do the right thing.

Mark Twain

This is just an approximate description of my thoughts, at the emotional level I felt tension and resistance, my soul seemed to be screaming: “This is not true! This can’t be!”

*Some people, on the contrary, find it difficult to recognize the presence of gray shades. But that’s a completely different story!”