The American writer, humorist, satirist, publicist and publisher Mark Twain is known to us primarily for his works “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.” Although Twain's work is much more diverse. He left more than 25 volumes of works in a variety of genres, from light sketches to thick historical novels. The writer is also known for his sharp aphorisms and quotes. And in all his work - from funny statements to serious works - he defended democratic freedoms, promoted a reasonable attitude to reality, fought against prejudices, and was skeptical about fanatical faith.
He once said: “You can make the reader laugh, but this is an empty exercise if deep down the book there is no love for people. Many do not understand that a humorist is required to have the same ability to see, analyze, and understand as the author of serious books... Only that humor will live that grows from the truth of life.” Twain applied this principle to short forms of literature - aphorisms. All his quotes are smart and relevant even today.
True, the writer was modest about his literary gift: “It took me 15 years to understand that I have no literary talent. But it was too late. I could no longer refuse to write; my books made me famous.”
By the way, the writer was born in the year when Halley's Comet flew to earth. A year before his death, he said: “I came into this world with Halley’s Comet and I will leave with it.” And so it happened...
Let's remember other aphorisms and statements of the writer.
Quotes from Mark Twain about elections and politics
If anything depended on the elections, we would not have been allowed to participate in them.
Principles do not play a big role, except during elections. After the elections, they can be hung on a line so that they are properly ventilated and dried.
The ballot is the only product that can be traded without a patent.
All political parties eventually die, choking on their own lies.
He should be president if he is not hanged before then.
There are some legislatures that sell for the highest prices in the world.
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next.
Sayings about religion and God
No one lies when they pray.
Man is a religious animal; the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cuts his throat if he disagrees with him on theological issues.
Nothing amazes as much as a miracle, except the naivety with which it is taken for granted.
Man was created on the last day of creation, when God was already tired.
I often think that it would have been better if Noah and his crew were late for their ark.
Methuselah lived 969 years. You, dear boys and girls, will see more in the next ten years than Methuselah saw in his entire life.
Move forward, act, open up!
Mark Twain. Travel Quotes
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Optimist: a person who travels from Nowhere to Nothing in search of happiness.
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In 20 years you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did do. So set sail from the quiet pier. Feel the tailwind in your sail. Move forward, act, open up!
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I now understand that the surest way to find out whether you like a person or not is to go traveling with him.
Mark Twain Quotes About Age
What is human life?
The first third is a good time; the rest is a memory of him. Wrinkles should only be traces of past smiles.
It's better to be a young dung beetle than an old bird of paradise.
What to do with the person who was the first to celebrate his birthday? Killing is not enough.
Everything in the world is turned upside down. Life should begin as an old man, possessing all the advantages of old age - position, experience, wealth - and end it as a young man who can enjoy all this so brilliantly. And now the world is structured in such a way that in your youth, when you can’t count the pleasures you get with just one dollar, you don’t have that dollar. In old age, you have a dollar, but there is nothing you would like to buy with it.
Aphorisms about friendship
A true friend is with you when you are wrong.
When you are right, everyone will be with you. Friendship is such a sacred, sweet, lasting and permanent feeling that you can keep it for life, unless, of course, you try to borrow money.
It is easy to call a person wise, but it is much more difficult to convince his friends of this.
If you need money, go to strangers; if you need advice, go to your friends; and if you don’t need anything, go to your relatives.
There is an old toast, remarkable in its beauty: “When you climb to the top of success, may your friend not meet you.”
Your enemy and your friend work together to hit you in the heart: one says nasty things about you, the other passes his words to you.
Good friends, good books and a sleeping conscience - this is an ideal life.
Text of the book “The Wittest Aphorisms and Quotes”
Mark Twain The Wittest Aphorisms and Quotes
Tell the truth, and then you won't have to remember anything.
* * *
Kindness is something that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
* * *
It's better to be a young dung beetle than an old bird of paradise.
* * *
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
* * *
On weekdays we do not use our morality very well. By Sunday it always requires repairs.
* * *
Let's live in such a way that even the undertaker will regret us when we die!
* * *
If all people thought alike, no one would play at the races.
* * *
If the desire to kill and the ability to kill always coincided, which of us would escape the gallows?
* * *
If the serpent had been forbidden, Adam would have eaten it too.
* * *
If man created man, he would be ashamed of his work.
* * *
If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a few minutes.
* * *
If you notice that you are on the side of the majority, this is a sure sign that it is time to change.
* * *
A classic is something that everyone considers necessary to read and no one reads.
* * *
When I was fourteen, my father was so stupid that I could hardly stand him; but when I was twenty-one years old, I was amazed at how much this old man had grown wiser in the last seven years.
* * *
Humor activates the mechanism of thought.
* * *
When something we've been waiting for a long time finally arrives, it comes as a surprise.
* * *
Some German words are so long that they can be seen in perspective. When you look along such a word, it tapers towards the end, like the rails of a railroad track.
* * *
When in doubt, tell the truth.
* * *
Witness is an unexpected marriage of two ideas that were not even familiar before the wedding.
* * *
Wrinkles are simply an indication of where a smile often occurs.
* * *
We in America have received three invaluable gifts: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience and - prudence, which keeps us from using them.
* * *
We would decorate any funeral, but were not suitable for more cheerful celebrations.
* * *
Only presidents, editors and tapeworm sufferers have the right to call themselves “we” in print media.
* * *
Let's not be too picky. It is better to have old used diamonds than not to have any.
* * *
No person is able to understand what true love is until he has been married for a quarter of a century.
* * *
All that is known about this man is that he was not in prison, but why he was not in prison is unknown.
* * *
Once in a lifetime happiness knocks on everyone's door, but often this person sits in the next tavern and does not hear the knock.
* * *
It was said that Twain received a dollar a line. One day he received a check for one dollar with a note: “Please send me one word.”
Twain replied, "Thank you."
* * *
The peach was once a bitter almond, and the cauliflower is a common cabbage that was later graduated.
* * *
Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction must adhere to verisimilitude, but truth does not need this.
* * *
Modesty died when clothes were born.
* * *
First God created man. Then he created a woman. Then God felt sorry for the man, and he gave him tobacco.
* * *
Get the facts first, and then you can play with them at your leisure.
* * *
There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
* * *
France is a country where there is no winter, no summer, no morality; Otherwise, this is a wonderful region.
* * *
It was good for Adam! If he happened to make a successful joke, he could be sure that he was not repeating other people's jokes.
* * *
Reader, imagine that you are an idiot; now imagine that you are a congressman; however, I repeat myself.
* * *
A wonderful sight is the unshakable faith of a Christian who has four aces in his hand.
* * *
Sixty years ago, “optimist” and “fool” were not synonymous.
* * *
I made it a rule to never smoke more than one cigarette at a time.
* * *
I have made it a rule never to smoke while I sleep and never to abstain from smoking when I am awake.
* * *
I am not like Washington: my principles are higher and grander. Washington simply could not lie. I can, but I refrain.
* * *
An Englishman is a person who does something because it has been done before. An American is a person who does something because it has not been done before.
* * *
Friendship is such a sacred, sweet, lasting and permanent feeling that you can preserve it for life, unless you try to borrow money.
* * *
Italy achieved the fulfillment of its cherished desire - it became independent. But having achieved independence, she won the elephant in the political lottery. She has nothing to feed him.
* * *
I would abolish the excessively long compound words in the German language or require that they be taught in parts - with breaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
* * *
Avoid those who try to undermine your self-confidence. A great person, on the contrary, instills the feeling that you can become great.
* * *
A cat, once sitting on a hot stove, will never sit on a hot stove again - and will do well, but will never sit on a cold stove either.
* * *
A bank is an institution where you can borrow money if there is a way to convince you that you do not need it.
* * *
Everything human is sad. The hidden source of humor is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
* * *
Good parenting is the ability to hide how much we think about ourselves and how little about others.
* * *
When you read the Bible, you are more surprised by God's ignorance than by his omniscience.
* * *
I often think that it would have been better if Noah and his crew were late for their ark.
* * *
All nations dislike each other, but all together they hate only Jews.
* * *
It is better to remain silent and appear a fool than to speak up and dispel all doubts.
* * *
Only women can be not only the best judges of women, but also their executioners.
* * *
APRIL 1st. On this day we are reminded of who we are for the remaining three hundred and sixty-four days.
* * *
It is better to deserve honor and not have it than to have it without deserving it.
* * *
Truth is the greatest treasure, you need to save it.
* * *
Nothing needs correction more than other people's habits.
* * *
Blasphemy provides relief that even prayer cannot provide.
* * *
The best way to cheer up is to encourage others.
* * *
God created Italy according to Michelangelo's design.
* * *
The familiar truth is unpleasant.
* * *
If a German writer dives into a sentence, you will not see him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic Ocean with a verb in his mouth.
* * *
There are a lot of funny things in the world; among other things, the white man's belief that he is less of a savage than all other savages.
* * *
Avoid those who try to undermine your faith in the possibility of achieving something significant in life. This trait is characteristic of small souls.
* * *
There is no greater vulgarity than excessive refinement.
* * *
Man was created on the last day of creation, when God was already tired.
* * *
I could become a soldier if I wanted. I have already mastered part of the military craft: I know more about retreat than the man who invented retreat.
* * *
I have never exercised in my life, except for sleeping and lying on the couch.
* * *
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it comes to the future.
* * *
If a man claims that he is the boss of the house, then he is lying in other cases.
* * *
First of all, you need facts, and only then you can do with them what you want.
* * *
A lie will travel halfway around the world before the truth has time to put on its boots.
* * *
It often happens that a person who has never lied in his life begins to judge what is true and what is a lie.
* * *
One of the main differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
* * *
No one could live with a man who constantly told the truth; Thank God, this danger does not threaten any of us.
* * *
In that country the people were liars, every single one of them. Even the greeting “How are you?” was a lie, because the person asking didn't care one bit how you were, unless he was an undertaker.
* * *
An offensive truth is no higher than an offensive lie.
* * *
If a person is not a coward, he can rob an entire passenger train alone, and if he is only half a coward, he can stop a stagecoach and rob everyone who is traveling on it.
* * *
We like people who boldly tell us what they think, as long as they think the same as we do.
* * *
Once you give your word that you won’t do something, you will certainly want to do it.
* * *
Adam and Eve had many advantages over us, but their greatest luck was that they avoided teething.
* * *
It must have been difficult for Adam and Eve to have a conversation: they had no one to gossip about.
* * *
Now I see that I was mistaken about Eve: it is better to live outside of heaven with her than without her - in heaven.
* * *
October 12th is America's Discovery Day. It is wonderful that America was discovered, but it would have been much more wonderful if Columbus had sailed by.
* * *
Only a donkey is capable of complimenting you and immediately making a request. Although there are a lot of donkeys in general.
* * *
When your friends start complimenting you on how great you look, it's a sure sign that you're getting old.
* * *
Hell is the only truly significant Christian community in the universe.
* * *
Currently, the palaces of heaven are heated by radiators connected to hell. The torment of sinners is aggravated by the knowledge that the fire that consumes them simultaneously provides comfort to the righteous.
* * *
When it became known for certain that heavenly bliss awaited him, hitherto unprecedented rejoicing arose in paradise. In hell too.
* * *
Heaven is better in terms of climate, but company is better in hell.
* * *
When I think about how many bad people have gone to heaven, I feel the urge to give up on living a godly life.
* * *
There are different types of stories, but only one of them is truly difficult - the humorous story.
* * *
What is human life? The first third is a good time; the rest is a memory of him.
* * *
What to do with the person who was the first to celebrate his birthday? Killing is not enough.
* * *
It's a pity that we can't escape from life when we're young.
* * *
Good manners are the organized protection of mature people from young people.
* * *
I never allowed my schoolwork to interfere with my education.
* * *
God created idiots first, just for practice. Then he created school mentors.
* * *
One who does not read good books has no advantage over a person who does not know how to read them.
* * *
I was glad that I could give an answer immediately. So I did. I said I don't know.
* * *
His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and you would not find a single hole in it.
* * *
If you cross a king with a prostitute, the result will be something that fully corresponds to the English idea of nobility.
* * *
Make an Irishman drink light beer for a month, and he's done. The Irishman is lined with copper inside, and beer corrodes it. Whiskey, on the contrary, polishes copper, and for the Irish it is saving.
* * *
There are two million gods in India, and they are all revered. In terms of religion, all other countries are poor, and only India is a millionaire.
* * *
Do not miss the opportunity to do good - unless it threatens you with great damage. Don't miss an opportunity to drink - under any circumstances.
* * *
Having switched to a sober lifestyle, you suddenly notice that you are completely drunk from the smell of vodka cork.
* * *
A vow of abstinence cannot make bad whiskey good, but it can improve its taste.
* * *
They gave a lecture about sobriety, but the money they made was so small that they didn’t even have enough to buy a drink.
* * *
The correct proportions of an aphorism: minimum sounds, maximum meaning.
* * *
The difference between the correct and almost correct word is the same as between lightning and the flicker of a firefly.
* * *
The devil does not have a single paid assistant, while the Other Side has a million of them.
* * *
One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that millions of people believed in it; the same millions believed that the earth was flat.
* * *
There are many scapegoats on whom we blame our mistakes, but the most popular of them is the Providence of God.
* * *
There was only one Christian; They grabbed Him and quickly crucified Him.
* * *
Man will never reach such dizzying heights of wisdom that he cannot be fooled by the nose.
* * *
I must have a huge reserve of mind: sometimes it takes a whole week to use it.
* * *
Aren't all the fools in town on our side? And don't they constitute the overwhelming majority in any city?
* * *
Scoffers, even the most mediocre and stupid, can ruin any character, even the most beautiful and noble. Take, for example, a donkey: its character is almost impeccable, and it is a storehouse of intelligence next to other ordinary animals, but look what ridicule has done to it. Instead of feeling flattered when we are called asses, we feel doubtful.
* * *
By nature he was endowed with an amount of stupidity that would be enough to encircle the globe four times and also tie a knot.
* * *
The right to stupidity is one of the guarantees of the free development of the individual.
* * *
God protects fools and children, says the proverb. This is the absolute truth. I know this because I tested it on myself.
* * *
To each his own. Saint Francis of Assisi said: “Every saint can perform a miracle, but not everyone can run a hotel decently.”
* * *
It is fashionable in New England to give Indian names to hotels, not because the late savages were knowledgeable in the hotel business, but because warlike Indian names have such a powerful effect on the imagination of the traveler humbly begging for lodging that he is grateful to the kind and generous clerk if he will let him go without scalping him.
* * *
It was once a good hotel, but I was once a good boy.
* * *
In literature, copying does not achieve similarity.
* * *
Write for free until someone offers to pay you for your writing. If you don't get offered a penny within three years, then you're better off doing something else.
* * *
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything.
* * *
Real writers needed by literature are so rare that publishers of books and magazines are looking for them everywhere, without a moment's rest.
* * *
Genius - at least literary genius - cannot be discovered by those close to you; they are too close to him and therefore see him out of focus, are not able to correctly assess his proportions, cannot notice how much his size exceeds their own.
* * *
Americans and British are strangers to each other, although to a lesser extent than other peoples. Men and women, even husband and wife, are also strangers to each other. Everyone has their own, hidden from the other and inaccessible.
* * *
I don’t think that I could like her, except on a raft on the open sea, and even then if there was absolutely nothing to eat.
* * *
You need both hands to kiss.
* * *
Much could be said about her virtue, but everything else is much more interesting.
* * *
I have seen men who have hardly changed in thirty years, but their wives have become old women. These were all virtuous women, and virtue wears out a person very much.
* * *
For every fifty people who attend the opera, one, perhaps, already loves it; Of the other forty-nine, the majority, it seems to me, go to the opera in order to learn to love it.
* * *
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
* * *
Music without words often brings sadness; and even more often – music without music.
* * *
In response to the question of whether he sings, Mark Twain replied: “Those who have heard me say that he does not.”
* * *
What is God's noblest creation? - Human. Who thought of this before? - Human.
* * *
To create man was a glorious and original idea. But to create a sheep after that meant repeating ourselves.
* * *
God created man because he was disappointed in the monkey. After this, he abandoned further experiments.
* * *
Man is the only animal that can blush and has a reason to do so.
* * *
People are like the moon: each of us has our own dark side that we hide from everyone.
* * *
If we are not respected, we are severely insulted; but deep down, no one truly respects themselves.
* * *
We are all cut from the same cloth, and of rather low quality.
* * *
Nowadays, only healthy people can be locked up in psychiatric hospitals. If you try to place psychos there, you won't have enough building materials. All people are crazy in their own way. There are no sane minds, and a person is saved only by chance - when his illness, by pure chance, is not subjected to a greater test.
* * *
A man with a new idea is nothing more than a madman until the idea triumphs. If a redhead occupies a sufficiently high position in the world, his hair is called golden brown.
* * *
A man of character always rejects the first offer, no matter what it is.
* * *
A person is ready to do a lot to awaken love, but will decide to do anything to arouse envy.
* * *
A person is able to come to terms with any injustice if he was born and raised under it.
* * *
Everyone's secret motto is: it's better to be popular than to be right.
* * *
Clothes make a person. Naked people have very little, if any, influence in society.
* * *
It’s just how the world works that a person, having stopped worrying about one thing, begins to worry about another.
* * *
We managed to find a use for everything except the snoring.
* * *
There are no more rude people than overly refined natures.
* * *
Noise doesn't prove anything. It happens that a hen that has laid an egg cackles so loudly, as if it had demolished an entire planet.
* * *
He was vain about only one thing: he believed that he could give advice better than anyone else.
* * *
A rich person can have any principles.
* * *
Few of us can bear the burden of wealth. Of course, someone else's.
* * *
The rich don't care about anyone but themselves; only the poor sympathize with the poor and help them.
* * *
The Italian king increased the annual salary of his soldiers by three and a half dollars. They used to get seven. But will they really be happier than when they were poor?
* * *
If everyone were rich, then everyone would be poor.
* * *
A banker is a person who will lend you an umbrella on a sunny day and take it away the moment it starts to rain.
* * *
You should refrain from speculating on the stock exchange in two cases: if you do not have funds and if you do have them.
* * *
October is one of the most dangerous months of the year for trading on the stock exchange. The remaining dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
* * *
The fool said, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” – in other words: scatter your interests and money! And the sage said: “Put all your eggs in one basket, but... TAKE CARE OF THE BASKET!”
* * *
A simple way to save money: when you are overwhelmed by the desire to immediately donate money to some charitable cause, do not rush: count to forty - you will save half the money; count to sixty - you save three quarters; count to sixty-five and you will save everything.
* * *
Mules, monkeys and camels can satisfy their hunger with anything, but they cannot get enough of anything.
* * *
A year ago I was a virtuous person. And now that I have encountered New York morals, I have no more conscience left than a millionaire.
* * *
Actually, I am against millionaires, but if I were offered to become one...
* * *
One child is enough to fill the entire house and yard.
* * *
Foster in your children independence, self-confidence and self-control, which will free them from the temptation to crack your skull and find out how, with such extensive knowledge, you can hide all this within yourself.
* * *
If you need to subject a young man to severe and painful punishment, make him promise that he will keep a diary for a year.
* * *
A true southern watermelon is a special gift of nature, and cannot be mixed with any ordinary gifts. Taste it and you will understand what angels eat. Eve did not taste watermelon, no, we know that for sure: after all, she repented.
* * *
The only way to stay healthy is to eat what you don't like, drink what you don't like, and do what you don't want to do.
* * *
I don't interfere in politics. We have a political editor. He is a very capable man, and if he serves a year or two in a criminal prison, he will become positively irreplaceable.
* * *
Who writes book reviews? People who have not written a single book themselves.
* * *
Who writes heartfelt appeals about sobriety and cries loudest about the dangers of drunkenness? People who will only get sober in a coffin.
* * *
A true friend is with you when you are wrong. When you are right, everyone will be with you.
* * *
I noticed that his living room tables were filled with all sorts of indoor games. I thought this was a sign of a dull and boring life. And he turned out to be right.
* * *
It is easy to call a person wise, but it is much more difficult to convince his friends of this.
* * *
If you need money, go to strangers; if you need advice, go to your friends; and if you don’t need anything, go to your relatives.
* * *
Your enemy and your friend work together to hit you in the heart: one says nasty things about you, the other passes his words to you.
* * *
Grandma didn't tell me to play cards. She said in a whisper: “Throw away these crappy cards immediately! Two pair and a jack, you idiot! He has the suit on his hands!”
* * *
He didn't say a word, but every cell of his body exuded silent blasphemy.
* * *
Let's curse while we have time, they won't let us in heaven.
* * *
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, with the exception of an old optimist.
* * *
There are those born grumblers who see only one change for the worse.
* * *
Anyone who becomes a pessimist before the age of forty-eight knows too much; and those who remain optimistic after forty-eight know too little.
* * *
At fifty a man can be an ass without being an optimist, but he can no longer be an optimist without being an ass.
* * *
Optimist: a person who travels from Nowhere to Nothing in search of happiness.
* * *
There are some legislatures that sell for the highest prices in the world.
* * *
He should be president if he is not hanged before then.
* * *
The Minister of War lives so frugally that he managed to save twelve thousand dollars in a year with a salary of eight thousand.
* * *
The government of my country despises simple-minded honesty, but encourages artistic greed, and it seems to me that I could become a very capable pickpocket if I served in the government service for a year.
* * *
These days, it's hard to imagine that there was a time when robbing the government was considered a novelty.
* * *
Senator: A person who makes laws during periods when he is not serving a term.
* * *
The ballot is the only product that can be traded without a patent.
* * *
Principles do not play a big role, except during elections. After the elections, they can be hung on a line so that they are properly ventilated and dried.
* * *
The Democratic Party is made up of crazy people, but no one in the Democratic Party knows it. But Republicans know this. All Republicans are crazy, but only Democrats know it.
* * *
All political parties eventually die, choking on their own lies.
* * *
Even when a person in power wants to do good to one person, he inevitably causes harm to another.
* * *
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next.
* * *
History teaches that wherever weak and ignorant people possessed something that strong and educated people wanted to have, the former always conceded it of their own free will.
* * *
Let me manufacture the prejudices of a nation, and I will not care who makes its laws or its songs.
* * *
The human brain is a magnificent thing. It works right up to the minute you get up to give a speech.
* * *
A genuine impromptu is always worse and paler than a pre-conceived one.
* * *
Every parallel is sure that it could well become an equator if its rights were not infringed.
* * *
Teaching yourself is a noble thing, but teaching others is even more noble; By the way, the latter is much easier.
* * *
Very few sinners were saved after the first twenty minutes of preaching.
* * *
What his sermon lacked in depth, he made up for in length.
* * *
I have traveled a lot and have come to the conclusion that even angels speak English with a foreign accent.
* * *
The guides' knowledge of English is just sufficient to render any explanation completely incomprehensible.
* * *
Command to sail to heaven and try to stop in hell for some two and a half hours just to get some coal, and I'll be damned if some son of a bitch doesn't stay on shore.
* * *
I refused to attend his funeral, but sent a very polite letter approving the event.
* * *
It is hardly enough consolation for a corpse to know that the dynamite that tore it to pieces was not of as good quality as it should have been.
* * *
People are accepted into heaven not on merit, but on patronage, otherwise you would remain outside the threshold and let your dog in.
* * *
We are very tired of conscience. She's like a child.
* * *
If I had a dog as annoying as my conscience, I would poison it. It takes up more space than all the other internals, but it’s of no use.
* * *
A bad conscience is a hair in the mouth.
* * *
A sense of morality helps us understand the essence of morality and how to evade it.
* * *
We were little Christian boys and learned early the sweetness of forbidden fruits.
* * *
Ethics consists of political ethics, commercial ethics, ecclesiastical ethics and ethics.
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It is easier to behave correctly than to come up with rules of conduct.
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There are several ways to deal with temptation; the truest of them is cowardice.
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Be virtuous and you will be lonely.
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The rearing horses in the paintings of the old masters resemble kangaroos.
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When going on a train trip, there is absolutely no need to take out insurance. The danger lies not in riding on the railway, but in sitting at home.
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The law of labor is extremely unfair, but it was created that way, and it is impossible to change it: the more joy a worker gets while working, the more money he is paid for his work.
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Thousands of geniuses live and die unknown - either unrecognized by others, or unrecognized by themselves.
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A self-taught person rarely knows anything properly and usually ten times less than he would have learned with a teacher.
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Sunday only comes once a week and I regret it. Man is designed in such a way that he could withstand two Sundays.
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There's nothing more annoying than a good example.
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A person should not criticize others on the ground on which he himself cannot stand perpendicularly.
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Humor activates the mechanism of thought.
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Witness is an unexpected marriage of two ideas that were not even familiar before the wedding.
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My jokes were so subtle that no one noticed them.
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Ancient jokes should be classified according to geological periods.
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A great way to ruin a relationship with someone is to say, “No, that’s not how you’re telling that joke.” Then tell it in your own way.
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Two of Twain's New York friends, Brander Matthews and Francis Wilson, decided to send him a letter. At the time, Twain was traveling and had no permanent address, so they wrote on the envelope:
MARK TWAIN,
GOD KNOWS WHERE.
Three weeks later the answer came: “Yes, He knows.”
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Favorable prophecies are like wars for a good cause: they are so rare that they can be ignored.
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Theories do not prove anything, but they allow you to gain time and rest if you are completely confused, trying to find something that is impossible to find.
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You can't rely on your judgment if your imagination is out of focus.
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One day Twain walked into one of the largest New York bookstores.
“I’d like Mark Twain’s latest book, please,” he turned to the saleswoman.
The saleswoman thought:
- Mark Twain? I don't remember something. What theater is he playing in?
Telling this story to his friends, Twain said:
“Thank God there’s at least one person in New York who doesn’t know me.”
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A soap bubble is the most beautiful and most perfect thing that exists in nature.
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Twain spoke reservedly about God:
– You know, we have strained relations with him.
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The stars are not as close to each other as they seem.
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It's a good idea to check the weather forecast before you start praying for rain.
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Rules of conduct during a dog fight: let your secret sympathy be on the side of the weak - this is generosity, but bet on the stronger - this is your business.
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Never tell the truth to people who don't deserve it.
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Never lie, except for practice.
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Do not tell stories about the fish you caught where they know you, and especially where they know this fish.
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Don't waste lies, how do you know when they might actually come in handy!
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You need to stand on your head to get the most out of the sunset, and you need to frame the landscape in a thick, massive frame to extract all its beauty.
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That George was capable of not lying is not so remarkable; The surprising thing is that he managed this without preparation, impromptu.
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Dance as if no one is watching. Sing like no one can hear you. Love as if you were never betrayed, and live as if the earth were heaven.
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If you are angry, count to four; If you are very angry, curse!
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Apparently, there is nothing in the world that could not happen.
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Our judicial system is very efficient, its effectiveness only sometimes wavering due to the difficulty of finding a dozen or two people every day who cannot read and write.
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Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
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Being good wears out a person so much!
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Every emotion is involuntary if it is sincere.
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Fame is smoke, success is an accident! The only thing safe here on earth is obscurity.
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I see that often, even very often, the reasons for human actions in the field of politics and religion are not far from the motivations of monkeys.
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Life would be much happier if we were born at the age of 80 and gradually reach 18 years of age.
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If Christ appeared here now, in any case, he would not be a Christian.
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Read medical reference books carefully, otherwise you may die from a typo.
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A patriot is the one who screams the loudest, without knowing what the scream is actually about.
Quotes by Mark Twain about women
You need both hands to kiss.
Much could be said about her virtue, but everything else is much more interesting.
I have seen men who have hardly changed in thirty years, but their wives have become old women. These were all virtuous women, and virtue wears out a person very much.
I don’t think that I could like her, except on a raft on the open sea, and even then if there was absolutely nothing to eat.
Even the clearest and most undeniable circumstantial evidence can ultimately turn out to be erroneous, so it must be used with the greatest caution. As an example, take any pencil sharpened by any woman: if you ask the witnesses, they will say that she did it with a knife, but if you decide to judge by the pencil, you will say that she chewed it with her teeth.
About dogs and cats
People are accepted into heaven not on merit, but on patronage, otherwise you would remain outside the threshold and let your dog in.
If you try to run over a dog, it will be able to dodge, but if you want to go around it, it will not be able to calculate correctly and will jump off in the wrong direction. I ran over all the dogs that came to watch me ride my bike.
If you pick up a starving dog and feed him enough, he will not bite you. This is the fundamental difference between a dog and a person.
A house without a cat - and a cat that is well-groomed, pampered and revered - may be an exemplary home, but how can it certify this?
Of all God's creatures, only one cannot be forced into obedience - the cat. If it were possible to cross a man with a cat, it would improve the human race, but would harm the cat breed.
Thoughts about death
Let's live in such a way that even the undertaker will regret us when we die!
It is hardly enough consolation for a corpse to know that the dynamite that tore it to pieces was not of as good quality as it should have been.
The introduction of cremation will perhaps rid us of monstrous funeral witticisms; but, on the other hand, won't a lot of old, moldy cremation jokes that have been peacefully resting for two thousand years be resurrected?
I felt sad when they said that I was a great writer. Great writers die. Chaucer died, Spenser died, Milton died, Shakespeare died, and I don't feel very well either.
Why do we rejoice at a person’s birth and are sad at a funeral? Is it because this is not about us?
Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
A person cannot be satisfied with life if he is dissatisfied with himself
Mark Twain. Quotes and aphorisms about life
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Fear of death stems from fear of life. A person who lives life to the fullest is ready to die at any moment.
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A person cannot be satisfied with life if he is dissatisfied with himself.
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Thousands of geniuses live and die unknown - either unrecognized by others, or unrecognized by themselves.
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Be careful when reading books about health. You could die from a typo.
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There are only two things we will regret on our deathbed - that we loved little and traveled little.
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There are two great days in the life of every person: the day he was born and the day he realized why!
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Peace, happiness, brotherhood of people - that's what we need in this world!
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Let's live in such a way that even the undertaker will regret us when we die.
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When you remember that we are all crazy, the strange in life disappears and everything becomes clear.
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Life would be much happier if we were born at the age of 80 and gradually reach 18 years of age.
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Good friends, good books and a sleeping conscience - this is an ideal life.
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Once in a lifetime, fortune knocks on every person's door, but at this time a person often sits in the nearest pub and does not hear any knock.
The writer was born in the year when Halley's Comet flew to earth. A year before his death, he said: “I came into this world with Halley’s Comet and I will leave with it.” And so it happened...
Quotes by Mark Twain about good, evil and conscience
A bad conscience is a hair in the mouth.
On weekdays we do not use our morality very well. By Sunday it always requires repairs.
I remember the taste of a watermelon obtained honestly and the taste of a watermelon obtained in a different way. Both are good, but experienced people know which one tastes better.
Ethics consists of political ethics, commercial ethics, ecclesiastical ethics, and ethics.
It is easier to behave correctly than to come up with rules of conduct.
There are no good deeds. And there are no evil deeds. There are only good intentions and evil intentions, that's all. Half the consequences of good intentions end up being evil, half of the consequences of bad intentions end up being good.
If the desire to kill and the ability to kill always coincided, which of us would escape the gallows?
There are people who are capable of any noble and heroic deed, but cannot resist the temptation to tell the unfortunate person about their happiness.
Be virtuous and you will be lonely.
Aphorisms about truth and lies
Truth is the most valuable thing we have;
Let us spend it carefully. It often happens that a person who has never lied in his life begins to judge what is true and what is a lie.
There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
No one could live with a man who constantly told the truth; Thank God, this danger does not threaten any of us.
You shouldn’t tell the truth to people who accept at full price everything you tell them, whether it’s a lie or the truth.
When you don't know what to say, tell the truth.
A person who is unable to deceive himself is unlikely to be able to deceive others.
Love is the last and most precious reward
Mark Twain. Quotes about love
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Praise is good, compliments are also wonderful, but love is the last and most precious reward that a person can win with his character or his merits.
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No person is able to understand what true love is until he has been married for a quarter of a century.
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A person is ready to do a lot to awaken love, but will decide to do anything to arouse envy.
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Dance as if no one is watching. Sing like no one can hear you. Love as if you were never betrayed and live as if the earth were heaven.
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Hating your enemies is easier and more fun than loving your friends.
“Whoever gets up early will gain strength, money and intelligence,” and having gained intelligence, he will stop getting up early. Mark Twain
Aphorisms about man
God created man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
After this, he abandoned further experiments. If man created man, he would be ashamed of his work.
If we are not respected, we are severely insulted; but deep down, no one truly respects themselves.
We are all cut from the same cloth, and of rather low quality.
Nowadays, only healthy people can be locked up in psychiatric hospitals. If you try to place psychos there, you won't have enough building materials.
All people are crazy in their own way. There are no sane minds, and a person is saved only by chance - when his illness, by pure chance, is not subjected to a greater test.
A man with a new idea is nothing more than a madman until the idea triumphs.
If a redhead occupies a sufficiently high position in the world, his hair is called golden brown.
A man of character always rejects the first offer, no matter what it is.
A person is ready to do a lot to awaken love, but will decide to do anything to arouse envy.
A person is able to come to terms with any injustice if he was born and raised under it.
Everyone's secret motto is: it's better to be popular than to be right.
Clothes make a person. Naked people have very little, if any, influence in society.
It’s just how the world works that a person, having stopped worrying about one thing, begins to worry about another.
If all people thought alike, no one would play at the races.
There are no more rude people than overly refined natures.
Quotes from the book "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer"
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The boy remained as sad as a hearse.
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Saturday morning came, and everything in the summer world breathed freshness, shone and seethed with life. Music sounded in every heart, and if that heart was young, then the song burst from the lips. Joy was on every face, and spring was in everyone’s step. The white acacia was in full bloom, and its fragrance filled the air.
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The last feather broke the camel's back.
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Work is what a person is obliged to do, and Play is what he is not obliged to do.
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It often happens that the fewer justifications there are for some ingrained custom, the more difficult it is to get rid of it.
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Tom thought that living in the world was not so bad. Without knowing it, he discovered the great law governing human actions, namely: in order for a boy or an adult to want something, only one thing is necessary - that it should not be easy to achieve.
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In order for a boy or an adult to want something, only one thing is necessary - that it is not easy to achieve.
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After this, you know, you should no longer love anyone but me, and you should also not marry anyone but me. Now this is forever, forever and ever. Fine?
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But there is no worse fool than an old fool.
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There comes a time in the life of every real boy when he is overwhelmed by a frantic desire to find a buried treasure.
After working as a journalist for some time, Mark realized that the river was “calling” him. He became a pilot on a steamship. He liked the work, but the civil war led to the disappearance of the private shipping company.
