Statuses about mood
What can describe the current state of mind better than statuses about mood? Nothing! Here is a selection of aphorisms that perfectly describe the mood:
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When there is no reason to have fun, have fun in installments!
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My mood ran out like a cell phone battery. How to charge it now? Fingers cannot fit into the socket...
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Moods come unexpectedly and go without warning.
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I wanted to drown my problems in alcohol. The bastards are coming up!
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He withdrew into himself for an indefinite period of time. It’s not a fact that I’ll be back, but I don’t recommend taking my place in the sun!
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In life there is always something missing for complete happiness: sometimes stools, sometimes rope, sometimes soap...
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The mood is like Carlson's! I want sweets and naughty things!
The wittiest statuses and aphorisms
I
decided to no longer live in the past and forget everything.
So if I owe you money, then I'm sorry. *** “ Oh,
classmates” - now your wives and mistresses know each other by sight!
*** last
night... Today I can’t remember where!
*** Only
with us, when the question “do you have a cigarette?”
the person answers “I don’t smoke”, he is beaten, not praised. *** If
you want to radically change your life, go up to a Bentley stopped at an intersection and hit the windshield with all your might.
*** one
is my snowflake?
I'll dress up as a snowdrift! *** Closeness
to a person is determined by how much you can mock him without getting hit in the head ***
Three
ages in a woman’s life: 1. Makes her father nervous.
2. Annoys my husband. 3. Infuriates the son-in-law. *** You
just started reading the status that you are now finishing reading.
*** Whoever
gets up early is definitely not me.
*** I
would also do 60+ for TV concerts.
*** People
below thought that my personal life had improved, although in reality I just bought a jump rope.
*** To
forget me, you must have the last stage of sclerosis ***
The
apartment was in order.
But then, I had to decide what to wear! *** Girl
, what is your username and password?
I can’t enter... *** Love
makes a person purer.
At least it forces you to wash, shave and wash your socks. *** For
me there are only two musical styles - “like” and “dislike”.
*** better
to be of no use to anyone than to be used by someone.
*** I
was going through our family first aid kit.
Judging by it, we have 2 goals in life - to calm down and not shit ourselves! Oh,
my husband and I are celebrating the day of reconciliation and harmony... We go to the store - I try it on, he agrees!
*** If a
guy loves two... He's not a guy, he's a BURDLE... If a girl loves two... The guy is still a BURDEN ***
Tea
can be brewed seven times.
On the eighth - tea leaves float up to look at this redneck.. *** What
does a touch phone mean... The cat, sniffing it, took 3 pictures, sent 5 messages and called the police.
*** I
made love to my wife.
Just finished - the neighbor behind the wall “GOOOOLLLLLLL!” “Well, we laughed... - So what? - Today we did a test - it really was a “goal”. *** Men
are like books: sometimes they are boring, sometimes they are interesting, and sometimes they have money hidden in them.
*** I
'm not afraid to be a fool.
Everyone around us is our own. *** Oh
, having a sense of humor makes it easier to cope with the absence of everything else.
*** I’m
not the only one who thinks that when you drive away one mosquito from yourself, it shouts to its friends: “Hey, guys, everyone is here, I found someone who can be driven to a nervous breakdown!”?
*** CD
is quiet, not DVD makes me hysterical and not USB brains me out!
*** A man
differs from a woman in that when he is tired, for some reason he does not want to talk about it.
*** 98
% of people, when washing the dishes, think: “Damn, there’s also a frying pan!”
*** I’m
not so sad... I want a company, preferably an oil company.
*** First,
a guy ran away from me, then a dog, now I see how hard it is for fish to push an aquarium towards the door... ***
When
V. Tsoi died, everyone became rockers.
M. Jackson died as dancers. Be healthy, Borya Moiseev! *** Look
a gift horse in the mouth, take the word out of the song, feed the nightingale fables, easily pull the fish out of the pond!
Go against the system! *** I’m in
the same mood as Carlson!
I want something sweet and... to be naughty! *** Basically
, Cheburashka is our Russian woman... Warm, soft, loves with her ears and lives with some crocodile all her life.
*** me
, I’m not your cowards!
*** 90%
of Russians live in stress.
The rest live in Great Britain, France, Italy, Switzerland, and the USA. *** The
law of meanness: the worse the situation, the less charge on the phone... ***
He
came to tell me two news: bad and good.
I didn’t have time for a good one... *** Tomorrow
- no, I checked!
I wake up - again today! ***
Only crap comes
from You have to dive for pearls. *** A cleanly
tidy apartment and a delicious dinner are two signs of a faulty computer.
*** As for
carrying five bags of groceries, it’s okay... But when she swore, “You’re a girl.”
And
I wonder why, when the wife says: “What is that impudent furry face lounging on my pillow?”, the husband and the cat raise their heads at the same time?
*** It
’s hard to lose someone who doesn’t want to get lost ***
’ve been
in two states lately: either I’m sleeping, or I’m annoyed that I’m not sleeping.
*** Never
make a person who chews a cookie laugh.
Wait until he starts drinking tea with her. *** The most
unfortunate people live near the sea, because they have nowhere to go on vacation!
*** As
soon as I find the keys to happiness, someone changes all the locks!
*** Every
woman lives by the principle: love cannot be used!
But everyone puts a comma in their own way. *** Your
face is so familiar—didn’t I tell you to fuck off before?
*** And
it was him or no one... I already had no one... Now it’s only him!!!
*** I'm
not looking for my soulmate.
It just so happened that I was born whole. *** Few
people know that tall people have cleaner air, a more beautiful view, and the “connection” always catches!
*** The
Ama Sutra was originally a manual on Greco-Roman wrestling, and then someone drew something and it started spinning... ***
- Do you
get enough sleep at night?
– Where am I getting enough sleep?! - I see... *** Friendship
can be different... For me, a dog is a four-legged friend, but for a birch tree it is a three-legged enemy.
*** care
about the black and white stripes of life.
I'm following my... purple path! *** Potence
on the contrary is nothing... But reading “massacre” in reverse... That’s cool.
*** To
the stupid question of men, “How are you on the personal front?” I just want to answer: “Many of you were killed”...
1
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SMS jokes and SMS pranks
Statuses about Alcohol
Cool statuses about husband and family
Statuses about a husband, as a rule, are witty and often truthful, clearly showing all the ins and outs of the relationship that develops between representatives of the sexes. Sometimes they become a kind of chronicle, telling about the difficulties that arose in the relationship of a particular couple.
These kinds of statuses, cool, new, are given below:
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Sometimes my husband literally shakes from talking to me. I am such an amazing woman!
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Only my husband has an ideal wife!
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If you can’t find the culprit, it means the husband is to blame.
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My husband said that the spark between us had gone out. She brought a stun gun. When he wakes up, I’ll ask again.
Funny laughing statuses
I have such plans for the weekend that my brain has already begun to give up on me.
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I'm standing on the balcony at night. I hear a man walking from below: “Woof, woof... Woof, woof.” I think let me answer: Me: - Meow! - Woof. Me: - Meow Man: - Well, girl, he’s good! I'm looking for a cat! His name is Woof!
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The girl writes to the guy: “Darling, if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.” If you smile, send a smile. If you cry, send your tears. He: - I'm shitting, what should I send?
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- Expensive! But buy me a car, I can drive, we’ll explore the world! - This one or that one?
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For some reason, people wearing headphones think that they fart very discreetly and quietly.
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Boys, don’t pour me any more, I’m already what you need!
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I go into the toilet, line up to the urinal, whistling the Russian anthem at the same time... A voice from the next stall: fuck yourself! Am I supposed to take a shit standing now!?
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A seventh-grader's mother found a sadomasochism kit in his backpack... A family council is meeting in the kitchen about this. Father: Well, as I understand it, flogging is useless.
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I am cooking a meal. The cat sits at my feet and yells. I meowed back at the cat, so he looked at me so seriously, as if I were a schizophrenic... crap, apparently, he said.
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- Honey, look, a star is falling! Make a wish. - I want you to marry me. - Oh, look, it flew back!
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- So, daughter, one step, one more step. Well done. Vova, quickly bring the camera - your daughter has returned from the club!
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A word like “thank you” just kills me. Will someone explain to me what kind of barrels these are and what kind of trouble they got into, that they need to be saved?
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There are people whom you want to approach, look into their eyes, hug by the shoulders and gently ask: “How do you live, without a brain?”
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— Drunk again? So go to where you drank. - Hello, guys! I'll come now, I asked for time off.
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I saw a guy in the store, he was dressed stylishly, he had a super figure, fate decided that she was... I put on a nice face, straightened my hair, I approached... Bitch... Mannequin!!!
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A man bought a goat, milked 5 liters on the first day, 3 liters on the second, 1 liter on the third. He took the goat to the veterinarian, and he told him... well... the goat, of course, is wanked, but it will live!
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If you want a guy to run after you, take his passport and run to the nearest registry office.
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Old ladies at weddings often told me “you’re next,” but they stopped doing that after I started telling them the same thing at funerals.
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In the hallway, I’m getting dressed to go for a walk, my mother: “Where are you going, daughter?” I joked to her: “That’s it, mom, I’m moving out of your place... I put on my shoes, I go into the room for the keys, there’s a picture in front of me, dad, on his hands and knees and crunching by the suitcase with my things, “Oh, fuck, you’ve waited, mother, bring the champagne.” Fine??
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The girl dived into the water of the pool, and suddenly a shark swims out of the depths. The girl froze in fear. It was a friend who washed off her makeup.
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— I shaved one leg. I didn’t have time for another, my husband woke up. Now he walks around like a fool, with one unshaven leg.
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I don’t know who is writing the script of my life, but I see that he has a sense of humor.
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The greatest happiness for me is my brother!!! He and I live in perfect harmony, fist in eye, heel in ear!!
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How to drive a girl crazy? Give her a lot of money and close all the stores!
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My handwriting tells me that I can become a good doctor.....
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I have a figure like a god! True, like the Buddhist one, but does that really matter?!
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A strong wind was blowing... Cheburashka was brutally beaten by his ears.
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A crisis. Beeline, MTS and Megafon are uniting... they have already come up with an emblem - Green bumblebee with red eggs!
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Today I saw two men so drunk that the shirt of one of them was tucked into the trousers of the other...
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A diet is when you go to the kitchen for an apple and suddenly devour a cutlet.
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Few people know how koloboks reproduce. They climb into the bottom of the barrel and scratch there!
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Darling, are you staying with your friends for a long time? No. I'll quickly get drunk and go back.
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Yesterday I went to bed at 21:30... From such happiness I couldn’t fall asleep until 3 o’clock...
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The whole team was rolling around laughing after the first phrase: “they’re carrying me, that means they’re fighting drunk.”
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When I feel bad, I sing... And then everyone feels bad.
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I was not surprised when one of my friends asked another for a screwdriver, but when the second one took it out of her purse...
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I look at you and am surprised, you are a healthy closet, but the counter is empty!
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I have special feelings for some people that can be well expressed with a crowbar, a crowbar or a shovel.
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— How did you understand that you are God? — I prayed and realized that I was talking to myself.
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There are normal people, and then there is Me... and my friends...
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I keep my own farm - two cows, pigs, sheep, geese and ducks are still there, in small things. Tell me how to improve relations with neighbors below?
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Pasha has 10 apples, Sasha has 7 apples, and Dima has salt in his ass. Question: who was the last to escape from someone else's garden?
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Nothing makes you laugh more than the phrase: That's it, be quiet, let's not laugh!
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I have a grand plan. - Well, take it out, let's smoke.
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When choosing between Vasilisa the Wise and Elena the Beautiful, the experienced Ivan Tsarevich always chooses Marya the mistress.
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Today I’m happy, I made myself a hair mask (kefir, cocoa, henna), I’m coming back from the bathroom, and my husband is sitting in the kitchen and eating my mask...
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Do you know why the butt is divided in half vertically and not horizontally? Yes, so that it doesn’t clap while running!
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Children in kindergarten are talking: “Are your parents afraid of cartoons?” - No! - But mine are afraid... Like cartoons start, they sit me in front of the TV, and they themselves go into the bedroom... They crawl under the covers and tremble, tremble, tremble...
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Lord, if you can’t make me lose weight, make all my friends get fat!
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Enough! Enough! - the blonde shouted in the minibus, forgetting the word - STOP..
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Funny statuses about love
Looking for a status about love? Cool and meaningful aphorisms of this kind are appreciated by both men and women. The best are collected in the section:
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Love is a sauce that goes with goat, pork, chicken, and even game.
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The Bible teaches to love your neighbor, and the Kama Sutra explains in detail how to do this.
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If you lose heart, then only in the arms of your loved one.
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When Cupid made a control shot in the head, then platonic love was born.
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Love is a terrible disease: it sends two people to bed at once.
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If a guy lets you drive his car, then he's definitely in love!
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Love is when good people feel bad!
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I tell him once again that I’m not cheating, but he stubbornly resists and doesn’t believe me.
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If you're unlucky in love, you'll probably be lucky in alcoholism.
And now - short and meaningful statuses about relationships:
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If you behave badly, I will marry you and stay with you.
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There are only two main mistakes in relationships: breaking off living relationships and clinging to dead ones.
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Lovers come and go, but husbands remain!
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Don’t look for a spark in a relationship, because you need to find an eternal flame
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A woman is afraid of the end of a relationship, and a man is afraid of its beginning...
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A woman cannot help but turn into a saw if there is firewood nearby!!!
Sometimes statuses are short and can tell more about love and relationships than an entire novel.
Photo: nur.kz: Original
Funny statuses
Today, in order to cheer yourself up, just go to social networks, where you will find many funny statuses. Of course, many of them are already outdated and have become irrelevant in their subject matter.
Are you looking for new, fresh, funny phrases that can serve as the perfect decoration for your virtual page? Our collection of statuses will be useful to you. In the selection you will find short quotes and aphorisms, statements of famous personalities and unknown wits.
It seems to me that in my children’s room someone regularly, damn it, celebrates Airborne Forces Day...
If a girl has sparkles in her eyes, it means the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something!
If the light turns off with the sound “uh,” that means one thing – there is someone in the toilet.
My computer doesn’t see the printer, I’ve already turned the monitor towards it, but it still says that it doesn’t see it...
Tonight the thermometer knocked on the window and asked to be let into the house.
I call my husband. Made 5 calls... didn't pick up. I’m texting: “Honey, I scratched your car.” And Oops - after 7 minutes I already have 113 missed ones.
In psychiatry, it’s like whoever put on the robe first is the doctor.
Family squabbles. -Yes, all your friends are scary!! -And your friends drink, -Yes, because all your friends are terrible.
If you have learned to find a way out of a situation, forget how to find an entrance into it.
