Dr. House catchphrases
You talk to God - you are a believer, God talks to you - you are mentally ill © Dr. House Everyone lies © Dr. House You can live with dignity, but you cannot die with it © Dr. House You still will not become President, the White House is called white not because of the color of the walls © Dr. House to a black senator - The woman you lived with? - This is an Indian name, and on her license she is listed as Stacy © Dr. House He won’t die right away, but he will dream about it © Dr. House If there was a one percent deviation in her DNA, she would be a dolphin © Dr. House
- Mom, who are these people? - These are two arrogant bastards who saved your life © Mom of one of the patients about Dr. House and Foreman
Only you can feel like crap while doing something good © James Wilson on Dr. House Is a symptom a death? © Dr. House If you wait long enough, someone will definitely get sick © Dr. House - And for now, I would recommend that you abstain from sex. - How long? - From the point of view of evolution - forever © Dr. House Dr. House does not break the rules, he ignores them © Forman about Dr. House The last symptom was death. And, in case you missed this lesson in medical school, there is no cure for this symptom © Dr. House Most patients can't tell their forehead from their pubis © Dr. House Gorgeous women only become doctors if someone has offended them © Dr. House You love everyone. This is pathology © Dr. House I am bad, and don’t try to convince yourself and me that this is not so © Dr. House I will be in my office. Alone with myself. A bunch of new pornography has appeared on the Internet, but it can’t be downloaded by itself © Dr. House Doctors must treat diseases, but those who treat patients are depressed © Dr. House Doctors make 5 different diagnoses based on the same symptoms © Doctor Хауз Я шлёпну Кэмерон по попке, Формана обзову ниггером, а Чейза… его я тоже по попке шлёпну…© Доктор Хауз — У меня ничего не болит! - Sometimes this is the first symptom © Dr. House Why the hell are you wandering around here with a urine test? © Dr. House If I enjoy hating life, I don't hate life. I enjoy it © Dr. House Does anyone have a saw? Call the surgeon © Dr. House - How can I work with you if you treat me like crap? - Shit is a loose concept © Chase and House - What are you going to do? - I was thinking of listening to your theories, making fun of them and then coming up with my own © Cameron and House - Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours. - What is it? — When you break into someone's house, it's always good to have a white chick with you © Foreman and Cameron House doesn't like dealing with patients © Cameron If we don't treat patients, then why did we become doctors? © Foreman Patients always require confirmation. We don't make cars here, we don't make guarantees © Dr. House Is a lie a lie if everyone knows it's a lie? © Dr. House Trying to convince a madman not to do crazy things is madness in itself © Dr. House I always said, if you want to shoot yourself, do it in the hospital © Dr. House If she agrees with me, then I don’t need her. If not, I don't want her © Dr. House about Cuddy - We're having rectal bleeding. - What, everyone at once? © Cameron and House - You can trust me. - The problem is that if I can't trust you, then I can't believe your claim that I can trust you © Chase and House - I need you to put on your robe. - I need two days of outrageous sex with someone who is shamelessly younger than you © Cuddy and House - How do you know she needs a heart transplant? “Today my chakra was revealed to me.” Said that someone nearby has a broken heart © Wilson and House - You. In the lobby. Now. — I injured my leg. I have a certificate © Cuddy and House - Doctor House! I need your help. - No thanks. Too many sick people. I might catch something © Cuddy and House House, you... are the way God made you! © Wilson on House - Mrs. Adams, could you come out for a minute? - For what? - Because you annoy me © House and Adams - How would you feel if I began to interfere in your personal life? - I hate it. That's why I'm smart enough not to have one © Chase and House - Do you have any idea what it's like when they shove a two-meter hose into your colon? - No, but now I think very highly of some basketball player you dated in college © Cameron and House Hiccup Patient: I tried everything. House: Uh-huh. (reading) ... pulled the tongue, iced the throat, hit oneself, pinched the crotch... yes, you certainly covered all the normal medical methods. However, how do you hit yourself - with an open palm or a fist? Patient: Open palm. House: Well, yes, that's what they teach at Harvard Medical School. At dinner with Stacy and her husband: Mark: You know, I thought you'd be full of sarcasm about Stacy marrying me. House: You know, we should do something together, kick some balls around or something... all that guy stuff. /House wants to go in to Cuddy’s.../ Cuddy’s assistant: you can’t go in there. House: who are you and why are you wearing a tie? Assistant: I am Dr. Cuddy's assistant. What issue are you talking about? House: came to find out why she has a secretary and I don’t. Assistant: I am an assistant, not a secretary - graduated from Rudgers University. House: hmm? I didn’t even realize that they had a secretarial department! Wow. - Did you take a shower together?! - NO! - Double negative means agreement © House and Chase with Cameron Either help you live or die - you can’t do everything at once © Dr. House You know what’s good about you - you always think you’re right. But what’s frustrating is that you’re actually almost always right. © Stacey on House - If she's never kissed a boy, then she's probably never had sex. - Tell that to all the whores who don't want to kiss me on the lips © Chase and House - I waited in the lobby for 2 hours. - Fascinatingly. Have you thought about writing memoirs? © Dr. House - Is your phone dead? Do you charge it at least sometimes? -Are they being charged? And I always bought a new one © Wilson and House - Help me avoid this dinner, and I will tell you who started the rumor that you are a transsexual! - There is no such rumor! - It will if you don’t help avoid dinner! © House and Cuddy - I'm taller than you - And I have more hair © House and Mark Warner House is sculpting in a rehabilitation center. Tritter enters: - Caterpillar? — Colon with Ulcerative Colitis © Tritter and House — But Dr. Chase said my calcium was normal! - We call him "Dr. Idiot" © Patient and House - Her lips say no, her shoes say yes - They're French - you can't trust a word they say © House and Wilson If you're right, I'll have to go every Sunday in church. AND I HAVE BOWLING ON SUNDAYS! © House to Wilson - Do you use drugs - No! - Your lips say “no”, your balls say “yes” © House and the patient - You can’t make a diagnosis without a biopsy. - No, it’s possible, we’ll treat her. If she gets better, we'll know we were right. - What if we make a mistake? - We'll find out something else. © Cameron and House Who do you want, a doctor who holds your hand while you die or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? Perhaps the worst thing is to have a doctor who ignores you while you are dying. © House - Is it still not legal to perform an autopsy on a living person? - Are you high? - Today is Tuesday; I am clean! - Today is Wednesday. © House and Cuddy - You were right. “Three useless words were just spoken.” © Chase and House - How do you test someone's response to pain? - Just. I'll hurt them. © Cameron and House - If we told you the truth, that you made the correct diagnosis without a single medical proof, you would think that you were God. And I was afraid that you would set your wings on fire. - God is not lame. © Wilson and House - Do you know why people sit in waiting rooms? - It must be because it is right. - People believe that the closer they sit to the operating room, the more they care © House and Stacy - Do you think I want the whole world to see you staring at my ass and criticizing my wardrobe? “Wouldn’t it be better if I stared at your wardrobe and criticized your ass?” © Cuddy and House - Okay. I'll make you a baby. But first you have to prescribe me Vicodin. Only then will I survive the foreplay © House and Cuddy We need to check for parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or maybe picked up from porn sites. I'll check the Internet, and you do the rest. © House - The child is missing... - Okay, you take Alpha Centauri, let Foreman check Tattooine, and Cameron will get the intergalactic stations. True, if he used the hypertransition, we will never find him. © Chase and House Conversation about patient diagnosis: Cameron: What about sex? House: Well, it won't be easy. We work together, I'm older, but maybe you like it. Cameron: I meant he might have syphilis. House: Ahh. Good excuse. House: People don't want a sick doctor. Wilson: Logical. And I don't need healthy patients. House: There are a million sick people in the world, why should I treat this one? Wilson: Because this one is in our hospital room. - Brain tumor. She will die. Boredom. © House - You are an oncologist. I'm just a pathetic infectious disease specialist. - Yes, of course, just a simple village doctor. © House and Wilson - I hired you because you look good. It's like having a piece of art in your hallway. © House o Cameron - What are you doing here again? Patient? - No. A prostitute. She went to my office, not to my home. © Cuddy and House - I think your example is incorrect. - I think your tie is too long. © Foreman and House House and Wilson: - If I said to Foreman: “Nice try. Great guess, but not this time.” What do you think he would do? “I think he'd be heading home without feeling like a piece of crap.” - Exactly. - Do you want him to feel like a piece of shit? - No. I don't want him to go home. - Why are you interested? - Why are you interested, why am I interested? - Just wondering. - Me too. © Forman and House House and Cameron: - What kind of bullshit is this? - Candy canes. — Candy canes? Are you kidding me? - No! After all... it's Christmas, and I thought... - Relax. It was a joke. “Sister Augustine believes in something that doesn’t exist.” “I thought this was a professional requirement for people like you.” © Nun and House Cuddy appears in a sweater with a deep neckline. House: Great suit, Dr. Cuddy. He seems to be saying: “I’m a professional, but I’m still a woman.” In fact, he directly shouts out the second part. “Your big cane is pretty inconspicuous too.” — Actually, every time I put on a festive cap and celebrate the fact that the Earth once again went around the Sun. I really thought she wouldn't make it this time, but damn, it's The Planet That Did Again. © House (about his birthday) - I'm disappointed. I sent you on a quest to find some great new designer drugs, and you brought me tomato sauce. © House - You experience perverted pleasure in refusing me. - This is what I live for. © House and Cuddy - Even I don't like you! - You know, words can hurt! © Wilson and House - Need a lawyer! -Did you kill someone? - Nobody. But it's not evening yet. © House and Vogler - The hematoma caused a coma. - What a wonderful diagnosis, you can dance to it! © Chase and House - Yes, I understand, House is just a sweetheart. I just want to hug him and never let him go. © Chase - Why always me? - Because the world hates you. Or because it's a diagnostic exercise. You can choose a reason that will flatter your pride more. © House and Cuddy - Be yourself. Cold, indifferent and distant. “Please don’t make an idol out of me.” © Wilson and House Cuddy: - I need to discuss something with you. House (loudly): - I won't have sex with you again! The first time was terrible! - You are an evil, insidious woman. It's terribly exciting. © House about Cuddy - No, there is no fine line between love and hate. Between them is the Great Wall of China with armed guards posted every 20 seconds. © House - Cuddy considers this case idiopathic. “Cuddy” and “idiop” form an important part of this sentence. © House - I want you to do your job. “But as the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get everything you want.” © Cuddy and House - You know me. The animosity makes me clench like...[pause] I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. © House - What can you add to this dispute? - Wilson is right, Foreman is wrong, your shirt is too revealing for office style. © Cuddy and House - What are you doing? “Well, you're trying to be me, and I thought I'd try to be you.” “You don’t have the curves for that.” “But I have a firmer butt.” © Cuddy and House - You can't raise your hand. - And you can’t write standing up. © Cuddy and House - Pay attention to me! “Sorry, but then it will be harder for me to ignore you.” © Cuddy and House - You don't have cancer. -You don't have dwarfism. - And you have no evidence for this. © House and Cuddy - How is your prostitute doing? - Oh, so nice of you to ask - funny story: she was going to become a hospital administrator, but she didn't like having people that way. © Cuddy and House - Why do you need to dramatize everything? - Because I'm a feisty little lap dog. Raff raff raff, rrr, raff! © Cuddy and House Cuddy: (after finding House where he was hiding) I was just following the smell of arrogance. Even babies lie. © House - You attacked a patient! - Okay, I won't do that again. - You will! “Then this argument makes even less sense.” © Forman and House The patient's symptom is loss of free will. I like. We can call Thomas Aquinas for a consultation. © House - I am an Air Force captain awaiting assignment to NASA's Astronaut Training Center. — I discovered salt and invented FM radio. © Patient and House - Merry Christmas. - Happy to go to hell. © Tritter and House - Is this Vicodin? - Menthol candy. Thought you were going to kiss me. © Cuddy and House - Are you Dr. House? “I feel like I’ll regret this, but yes!” © Patient and House I don't work well in search groups. Also, I don’t know how to sit, smoke, get nervous and do nothing! © House - They have a secret club there. - What's the secret? Is it because they are all idiots? © Chase and House - This is the temple of the Lord. They pray here. “Ah, so that’s why there’s such a good reception here, and also why there’s no one here.” © Nun and House - The accident did not cause bleeding. - Yes, the bleeding caused the accident, the blood got on the road and it became slippery. © Cameron and House - Do you want me to treat him? Medicines in the pharmacy, immobile patient in intensive care. Sounds like a simple geographic problem. © House - The boy was just taking a math exam, and then he suddenly began to feel sick and no longer knew where he was. - Yes, this is how mathematics manifests itself. © Forman and House
Dr. House Quotes
We are petty, ill-mannered people... but thanks to our tiny brain, we can occasionally turn into people.
Woman? Beautiful? How much she had to be offended in order to force her to become a doctor. © Dr. House
You will never have interviews like mine again. It will seem to you that you are humiliated, offended, mocked and laughed at. And guess what? You will be absolutely right...
Dr. House: “The fun part is talking about other people. We feel satisfaction when we learn about other people’s shortcomings... problems... illnesses. It seems to us that we manage people. Better than them. Stronger."
It's too late to discuss symptoms. Because I observe the last symptom - death. And you can trust a doctor with my experience - you are unlikely to be able to do anything about it. © Dr. House
The only thing you need now is to become insensitive. Be yourself. – Just don’t make a star out of me © Wilson and House
Have they already allowed an autopsy to be performed on a living person? -Are you stoned? – No, on Tuesdays I drink alcohol. - Interesting! It's just Wednesday! © House and Cuddy
Read more quotes from Dr. House on the following pages:
Help me avoid this dinner and I'll tell you who started the rumor that you're a transsexual! - There is no such rumor! - It will if you don’t help avoid dinner! © House and Cuddy
Whoever has the money has the rules. And in our case, whoever has a friend, who has money, has the rules.
- Nothing hurts me! — Sometimes this is the first symptom © Patient and House
Only for Christmas and Easter. On other days it doesn't matter.
He won’t die right away, but he will dream about it © House
It's not what you thought. I know it looks like we were doing the dishes, but we were actually having sex!
Holy trinity: heart, hands, penis.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a two-meter hose shoved into your colon?” - No, but now I think very highly of some basketball player you dated in college © Cameron and House
I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
I seek the impossible because the possible will be excluded by others.
You can live with dignity, but you cannot die with it © House
The boy was just taking a math exam, and then he suddenly started feeling sick and no longer aware of where he was. - Yes, this is how mathematics manifests itself. © Forman and House
Sometimes the best gift is if I never see you again.
