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It's all bullshit, folks.
And it's bad for ya Still young George Carlin
(George Denis Patrick Carlin, May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008)
was a racialized American stand-up comedian of Irish descent; he himself, in one of his last (2008) monologues, said that all four of his grand ancestors were purebred Irish. An unattainable ideal for every beatard. Until his old age he delivered with a combination of good humor, observation and thermonuclear HATE. He continued performing almost until his death. In the 2008 video, of course, it was clear that the years had greatly bent the old man, but he still burned with napalm for an hour without a break. He died at the age of 71, without ever sliding into.
[edit] Success story
Carlin began performing back in '59, but became famous among the general public in the '70s with his monologue about the seven words that should not be said on television (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits). The court did not consider this monologue offensive, and Karlin received the exclusive right to speak with him on radio and TV. It should be noted that before this monologue, he didn’t really troll anyone, but simply petrosyaned himself a little to the delight of the Pindos cattle. But in 1972, having explained to people exactly what they shouldn’t say from a TV screen, he began the second stage of his career, freely trolling the consumer society of Pindostan. That's why we love it.
He hated religion and the little god himself in particular with all his might (which did not stop, or rather, helped him play a cardinal in Dogma), thoroughly trolling the religious American majority and other Republicans. His character was distinguished by a stern disposition and the image of a “man from those times,” which inspired awe and respect in nerdy white liberals.
In addition to religion, Carlin covered businessmen, politicians, rednecks, mothers with children, macho males, military men and much, much more with good, fit poop. At the same time, he promoted a healthy approach to life and good things, such as fucking, substances and alcohol. But he didn’t like smoking, modestly calling cigars “huge brown dicks” and smokers “cocksuckers,” recalling Freud.
He also managed to release several books, 11 DVDs with selected performances on HBO, act in films and even host a children's show.
Received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his contribution to the development of theater.
George Carlin: books, quotes, stand-ups
George Carlin has been called the “second Darwin”, who came 150 years later to undermine the “inner peace” of believers and supporters of traditions and family values. Stand-up comedian, actor, writer, screenwriter, producer. But the whole world is known as a person who can say “fuck you” on TV, and at the same time he won’t give a damn that you can’t say this on TV.
He has been performing since 590. He worked as a DJ, participated in variety shows, and acted in films. But he always remained a constant master of black humor, ridiculing religion, businessmen, politicians, military men, macho men, mothers with children, the vices of American and any other culture. He challenged everything he didn't like, no matter what the feedback ended up being.
“I like to bother people. I try to feel where the boundary is, and then deliberately cross it. Then I drag the audience along with me, and make them rejoice that this happened.”
Sometimes Carlin's performances were too provocative. For example, the comedy number “Seven Dirty Words,” which became the subject of litigation in the US Supreme Court. The issue was dedicated to such words as shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
It is worth saying that Carlin only occasionally restrained himself in his statements. For example, the Chris Rock show. Considering that the talk show aired late at night and on HBO (a paid cable channel, where the rules are much looser than on the federal ones), Carlin felt calm and communicated with the host freely in a manner familiar to himself and the audience.
Fuck you can't talk on television. Do you know where all this confusion with words comes from? Because this is complete bullshit by definition. You can talk about fucking. You can say (speak quietly under your breath), and everyone will understand what you are talking about. And in the newspaper it will be written “e”, and after that there will be dots, but everyone will know what the word is. The thought has been conveyed. This is the whole function of speech. But people say: "I don't want to see the word 'fuck' in the newspaper, it's for the whole family." Where do you think family begins?
He rocked and undermined the audience until his death. He died in 2008 from heart failure. Received four Grammy Awards and a Mark Twain Award, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his contribution to the development of theater, and second place on Comedy Central's list of the 100 Greatest Comedians. Named the 400 block of West 121st Street in New York City after George Carlin. Although Kevin Bartini, who collected signatures, wanted to achieve the assignment of the 500 block where the comedian spent his childhood. But the local Catholic Church of the Body of Christ was against such an event.
Books by George Carlin
Karlin's creativity was diverse and rich. He not only performed in cafes and on HBO, but also acted in films and wrote books. Of course, the reviews are different, ranging from “how was such a heretic allowed to publish such reading material” to “relevant, brilliant.” In his books, George describes stories from his life, his thoughts, reflections and jokes.
But, of course, the jokes are as harsh as if the x-word and the p-word got married and their children were raised by other bad words. In his books, Carlin does not hesitate to express himself and mock everything that is so dear to more than half of humanity.
"Sometimes a little brain damage can help," 1984.
The author's first work. Included jokes and performances by a comedian. The title of the book is a slogan from Carlin, which he later used in his speeches. T-shirts with this inscription were sold at his concerts.
"Brain Loss", 1997
Everything is the same as in “The Future Isn’t What It Was Before,” only seven years earlier. The book spent 18 weeks on the New York bestseller list. There is no official translation in Russia. Perhaps translations from fan readers can be found online.
"Napalm and children's plasticine", 2001
“The future is not what it used to be,” 2004
In Russia, the book “The Future Is No Longer What It Was Before” is better known than anyone else. In it, the trampler of foundations reveals to the reader a “new America”, without politically correct husk and nonsense, religious bigotry, gender stereotypes and double standards. Euphemisms in American English and their influence on American culture are very accurately described. What else can you expect from an atheist, misanthrope and anticlerical?
“Last Words”, 2009
Collection “Three times Carlin: “George’s Orgy”, 2006. Included three books by the author - “Brain Dung”, “Napalm” and Children’s Play-Doh”, “When Jesus Brings Pork Chops”.
It is worth saying that before reading Carlin, it is worth watching several of his speeches to understand the satire and charisma with which he tells his jokes. Only then will the intonation in the books become clear and the jokes will be funny not because curse words are inserted into them at the right time, but because of the subtle black meaning.
In Russia, only the book “The Future is Not What It Was Before” has been officially translated. The rest will have to be searched for in the original or for videos with translations from readers. Many discs were also released with recordings of the satirical comedian’s stand-ups.
George Carlin Quotes
About religion
“The story that religion is pushing is, simply put, the biggest crap of all. Just think about it: religion was able to convince people that there is a man who lives in heaven and watches what you do every day, every minute. And the invisible guy has a list of 10 things he doesn't want you to ever do. And if you do even one of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire, smoke, suffering, pain, where he will send you to suffer, burn, choke, scream, cry forever and ever until the end of time. But he loves you!
“God always needs money. He is omnipotent, omniscient, he is perfection and wisdom, but somehow he does not know how to earn money for himself.”
“I tried to believe in religion, in God, that he loves us and watches what is going on. But I have to admit to you: the longer you live, the more you look at what’s happening around you, the more you understand that something’s fucked up. Something is wrong here - war, disease, death, destruction, hunger, debauchery, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and ice shows. If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. Such results are not suitable for the summary of a perfect being. All this crap you would expect from a temporary office worker with a bad attitude towards his duties."
“Pray for whatever you want. But what about God's plan? A long time ago, God had a plan, he thought carefully, began to implement it, and for billions of years everything went in accordance with this plan. And then you appear and start begging for something. Suppose what you ask is not in God's plan. What should God do? Change your plan? Just for you? This is God's plan! What's the point of being God if any idiot with a prayer book can fuck up your entire plan for a couple of bucks?”
“Do you know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. There are two reasons for this: I think he’s a good actor, it works for me, and he looks like a man who doesn’t waste words. Joe Pesci doesn't kick sh*t. Je Pesci was able to do a couple of things that God could not do. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor and his barking dog. Joe Pesci calmed the fucker down the first time. It's amazing what you can accomplish with just a baseball bat."
“The probability of getting what you want with God is 50 to 50. The same as with a four-leaf clover, a wishing well, a rabbit’s foot, witchcraft talismans, the same as with a Voodoo witch who predicts fate, squeezing God’s eggs in her hand. It’s the same everywhere – 50/50.”
“When a boy or man enters a church, he should remove his hat to honor the presence of God. But they already told me that God is everywhere. But if God is everywhere, why the fuck do you even need that hat?”
"Never forget: Hitler was a Catholic."
“Catholics and other Christians are against abortion. They are also against same-sex marriage. What the hell is this? Leave homosexuals alone. They will definitely never have a single abortion. And this is yet another proof that there is no logic in religion.”
About family and children
“Modern parents are professional parents, obsessive diaper sniffers who over-monitor their children and rob them of their childhood.”
“Even simple play has been taken away from children and turned into a form of play date in Mom’s schedule.”
“When can a child sit in the yard with a stick? Use this fucking stick to dig a fucking hole and have a little fun? Do modern children even know what a stick is?”
“A child should not waste time playing. He's only 4 years old and should be studying for the fucking kindergarten entrance exam. Poor little bastard. He can’t find his sh*t, and he’s already being pushed to success for the sake of his parents. This is a complicated form of child abuse.”
“In high school you can’t play tag because it provokes the presence of a victim, you can’t play catch because it excludes someone from the game and develops aggression. Just standing is fine for now.”
“Nowadays kids don’t lose. Do you know what they now say to a child who has lost? "You were the last winner." And they will never find out the truth about themselves until they are in their thirties, their boss calls them and says: “Bobby, get your crap off the table and get the fuck out of here, you’re a loser.”
“The child will go to camp in the summer. But don't swim, hike, or play softball. Today a child is going to weight loss camp, or violin camp, or ceramics camp, or computer camp, or leadership camp, whatever it means. What the fuck is “Leadership Camp” anyway? Isn’t that where Hitler went?”
“The practice of playing Mozart during pregnancy... It was supposed to increase the intelligence of the fetus. Did not work. All that happened was to sell a lot of CDs and piss off even more fruits.”
“It’s not that hard to teach children to read. Children who want to read will read. Children who want to learn to read, learn to read. It is much more important to teach children to think about what they read. Children must critically perceive what they read, what they hear, and critically perceive power. But parents will never teach this, because they are the authorities themselves, and they do not want to undermine their authority in the family. So they jerk off the baby, the baby jerks them off, they all jerk off each other, they all grow up fucked up and come on a show like this."
About America
"Land of the free, home of the brave, the American Dream, all men are equal, justice is blind, the press is free, your vote counts, business is fair, good guys win, the police are on your side, God has your eye on you, your standards of living will never be lowered, and everything will be just fine - it’s all an official folk tale. I call it "American okey-dokey." And everyone believes it, but each of these things is not true in one way or another.”
“Children are too stupid to defend themselves intellectually against a complex world idea. And they know that until a certain age, children believe everything their parents tell them. And as a result, children never learn to think critically. Nobody questions things in this country, nobody asks anything. Everyone is too fat and happy. Everyone now has a mobile phone that cooks pancakes and rolls balls.”
“I could never understand ethnic or national pride, because pride should be deserved by some kind of one’s own achievements, and not something that happened by chance at birth. I'm Irish. But being Irish is not a skill, it is a genetic accident. You wouldn’t say, “I’m proud to be 5 pounds and 11 inches,” or “I’m proud to be colorectal cancer prone,” would you?
"God Bless America!" What the f*ck does this mean? Is this a request? Is this a requirement? Is this a proposal? Politicians say this at the end of every speech, as if it's some kind of verbal tic they can't shake. It feels like if they don't let it go, people will think they're bad Americans. Let me tell you a secret: God doesn't give a fuck about America. He doesn't care about this country any more than he cares about Transylvania, Mongolia, Pittsburgh or the North Pole. More than 200 countries in the world now. Do people really think that God sits and chooses his favorites?”
“What the fuck is it like to take off your hat when a flag is being carried by, or some idiot in the stadium starts singing the national anthem. What the hell does a hat have to do with patriotism? What possible relationship exists between having your head uncovered and the feeling that should be in your heart?”
“If rights can be taken away, they are not rights. These are privileges."
About war
“War cemeteries around the world are staffed by brainwashed soldiers who were convinced that God was on their side. America asks God to destroy our enemies, our enemies ask to destroy us. Someone must be disappointed. Someone is wasting their time. Could it be everything?
“I don’t think about war the way I was told on television, the way we were ordered and instructed by the United States government. You know, I have this stupid crap that I use. It's called thinking."
“The first rule I live by is I don’t believe anything the government says. And besides, I don’t take the media and press in this country very seriously.”
“War is nothing more than waving bolts. “What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them! That's what it is. And, of course, all the bombs and missiles are shaped like dicks. It's a subconscious need to stick your penis into other people's business."
“Fighting for peace is like fucking for your virginity.”
About the commandments
“The decision to make the 10 commandments was a marketing decision. “TOP 10”, “10 most terrible”, “10 most wanted”. 10 sounds important, official. This is the basis for the decimal system, this is the decade, this is a psychologically satisfying number."
“To me, the 10 Commandments are an obvious list of bullshit. This is a political document, artificially inflated to sell better.”
“You shall not covet anything that is your neighbor’s.” So this is just stupidity. The desire to have what your neighbor has is what keeps the economy going.”
“Look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades to see how seriously religious people take the commandment 'Thou shalt not kill.' The more pious they are, the more they see murder as a means of negotiation."
About people
“We are just an unfortunate mutation, another unfinished biological mistake. The time will come, and the planet will shake us off like annoying fleas.”
“Keep learning. Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, anything. Don't leave your brain lazy. “An idle brain is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer.”
“Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to avoid drowning."
“Home is where we keep our junk while we are away from home, so we can get more junk.”
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Article publication date: 01/22/2019
[edit] Selected quotes
Me and my fucking cat and dog
| There is such an idiotic thing, I use it all the time - it’s called “thinking” |
| How to get rid of counterfeit money? Place in the church donation bowl! |
| Here's something else that I don't understand: cassettes to increase motivation, books to increase motivation... What is it, why does everyone suddenly need extra motivation? After all, it’s simple - you either want it or you don’t. What's the catch? Besides, if you were motivated enough to go to the store and buy this book, maybe you are already motivated enough?! You don't need a book anymore! Put it back and tell the seller to “Fuck you! I’m motivated” and went home. I am going home. |
| There is something else about this country that bugs me - all this idiotic talk about children that I constantly hear. All the things you hear all the time: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You know what? Fuck them, kids! They get too much attention. Yes, I know what some of you are thinking: “Jeez, he's not going to attack children, is he?” And how! He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor speaking. I know what I'm talking about. Carlin didn't get it And by the way, I also know that all of you boring single dads and working moms who think of themselves as some kind of fucking heroes will not like this. But someone has to say, for your own sake: your children are overpraised and overrated, you have turned them into little cult objects. You have such a fetish - a child, and this is never healthy. And you don’t need to tell me all sorts of crap, like, “Well, I love my kids.” Fucking in the mouth! Yes, everyone loves their children, but that doesn't make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children. He had them all buried in the yard, next to the garage. That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking to you about the constant, fucking screeching in the media, this neurotic fixation that assumes that everything in the world revolves around the lives of children. This is an awesome distortion. |
| Carlin about children |
Moar
| They're going to ban toy guns and leave the real fucking ones alone! |
| So, as you may have noticed, there is one thing I'm not complaining about, I'm talking about politicians. Nowadays everyone complains about them. Everyone says they're crap. Well, okay, where, I wonder, do people think these same politicians come from? They don't fall from the sky. They do not come to us through portals from other worlds... They are the product of American parents, American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, American universities and, moreover, they are chosen by American citizens. This is the best we can do, people. That's all we have. This is what our system produces. Garbage in, garbage out. If you are selfish, worthless citizens... Then you will have the same selfish and worthless leaders, and the hope that everything will change by itself will not lead to anything good. All you'll get is another bunch of selfish, worthless Americans. So maybe, maybe it's not politics crap. Maybe someone else here is crap, like the public. Yes, the public is crap. Here is a ready-made slogan for some election campaign. The public is crap, don't give a fuck about hoping. There's no point in hoping. Because if only politicians are really to blame for everything, then where are all the “bright minds”? Where are all the honest and smart Americans who are ready to come forward and save the nation and lead the people? There are no such people in our country. All in shopping centers. They scratch their butts, rub their noses, take out credit cards from their wallets and buy a pair of sneakers with light-up soles. |
| When it comes to rights, I think two things are true: either we have unlimited rights, or we have none at all. Personally, I lean toward unlimited rights, I feel like I have the right to do whatever I want, but if I do something you don't like, I think you have the right to kill me. Where the fuck are you going to find a fairer deal than this? So the next time some asshole tells you that he has a right to his opinion, you say: I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion that you have no right to your opinion! Then shoot the motherfucker and get out of there! |
| A little about rights |
| Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me, this country needs a little less motivation. Motivated people are the cause of all problems. Fraudsters, serial killers, child molesters, Christian conservatives - these people are highly motivated. |
| I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims. This idea is irrelevant. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you are already guilty, period. Fuck you. The report is over, next story. |
| So, if there is a God, then I think most reasonable people would agree that he is at the very least incompetent, and maybe he just doesn't give a shit. |
| I would never join a group whose symbol is a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me! |
| Carlin on PGM |
| Look who we kill: Mosquitoes and flies, because they are parasites! Lions and tigers because it's fun! Chickens and pigs because we're hungry! Pheasants and quail because it's fun... and we're hungry! Well, people... we kill people because they are parasites... and it's fun! |
| Carlin on the sanctity of life |
| I have never sympathized with people with anorexia. Rich cunt doesn't want to eat. That's the problem. |
| Carlin on anorexia |
| When I look at natural disasters on the news, I always hope it will get worse... What about you? Aren't you? Isn't there some part of you that secretly hopes things will get worse? When you see a big fire on TV, don't you hope it will spread? Don't you hope he gets out of control and burns six counties? You don't rely on firefighters, do you? I mean, I don't want them to get hurt or anything, but I don't want them putting out my fire! This is my fire, this is nature raging and having fun... I love fires... |
| Carlin on natural disasters |
| In the future, they will build a time machine, but no one will have time to use it. |
| Carlin about time |
| When your toilet is leaking and you put your hand into the tank to adjust the valve, does it occur to you, just for a moment, that the water in the tank has already been in the toilet? |
| Carlin on the laws of physics |
| I was wondering why people, as they get older, read the Bible more and more actively. And then it dawned on me: they are preparing for the final exam. |
| Carlin on religion |
| Santa is so funny mainly because he knows where all the bad girls live. |
| Texas, for example, allows the death penalty. You know what I like about this? Fewer Texans. |
Subject about saving the earth.
| The Planet is fine. The people are fucked. |
| Here's another example of overprotection. Have you noticed in the news on the box that when some guy with a Kalash bursts into the school yard and shoots three or four children and a couple of teachers, then the next day... the next day at school there are a ton of psychologists, psychiatrists, all sorts of sedatives, etc. ., who are trying to help children cope with what happened? Fuck, when I was in school, if someone came in and shot three or four of us, we would go to math class and count: “35 classmates minus 4... equals 31.” We were stronger. |
| There is something else that is said after someone dies, and it has to do with faith (which I have... serious problems with). This happens after the funeral, after the ceremony itself, in the house, when everyone returns. Family, loved ones and mourners return to the house, eat, drink and reminisce about him. And sooner or later, someone is guaranteed to say the following (especially after a few drinks): “You know, I think he’s up there smiling at us right now. And I think he feels good." Well... for starters... there is no “up there” for people who need to smile from down there. It's poetic and sublime, and superstitious people are a little reassured by it - but it doesn't exist. But if it existed - if - and if someone somehow managed to survive death in a non-physical form, then, in my opinion, he would be too busy with other heavenly activities than standing in the middle of Heaven and grinning down at living people . What the fuck is this for eternity? And why does no one ever say: “I think he’s down there smiling at us now”? Apparently, it never occurs to people that their loved ones might end up in hell! Your parents may be in hell right now, especially your father! Yes, fuck, there are a lot of fathers in hell. A hell of a lot. Even the ones who took you to baseball games - just for beating the crap out of you over and over again. And for fucking my neighbor. And for fucking the neighbor's dog. And who knows, maybe even for fucking the postman - how do we know what dad had in mind? Parents in hell... I like this option better. And your grandfather and grandmother are in hell - imagine this... Imagine your grandmother in hell - baking pies without an oven. And if someone went to hell, I very much doubt that he would smile. “I think he’s down there now, yelling at us. And I think he's in fucking pain." People just don't want to be realistic. |
| There are 400,000 words in the English language, and seven of them cannot be said on TV. This ratio is 399993 to 7! These are probably very bad words. Those must be HORRIBLE words to be separated from such a large group. “Come here, all of you, you seven... bad words.” That's what they tell us, right? You know these seven words, right? shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits |
| That same monologue (more precisely, its beginning) |
| Instead of reminding pregnant women not to drink, I think we should remind women who are alcoholics not to fuck. |
| The champion of all times and peoples in false promises and loud statements is religion! No competition! The story that religion gives you is simply the biggest crap. Just think about it - religion has convinced people that there is an invisible man who lives in heaven and watches you every day, every minute, and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things that you should not do! And if you do anything from this list, he has a special place, full of fire, smoke, suffering, pain, where he will send you to suffer, burn, choke and cry, forever and ever, until the end of time! .. But he loves you! He loves you and he needs money! He is omnipotent, omniscient, he is wisdom and perfection itself, but somehow he does not know how to make money! |
| The most famous monologue about religion. |
| And what kind of joke is this - swearing to God? Why does it mean that if you swear to God that you are telling the truth? Doesn't work on me! If I were asked, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, before God?” - I would say: “Yes! I’ll tell you as much truth as there is in this fucking Bible of yours, and how will you like it?” |
| Some people don't want you to mention certain things. They don't want you to talk about this or that. Some people think that if you mention something, it will happen. Some people just fucked up how stupid. Have you ever noticed how many idiots there are around? Lord, there are a lot of these idiots out there! Take a pencil and notepad with you and by the end of the day you will have collected at least a dozen names! Think about how dumb the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even dumber. |
| Carlin about 95% |
| My grandfather often told me: “Now I’m going upstairs to fuck your grandmother.” He was an honest man and would not lie to a four-year-old toddler like me. |
| I have a few rules that I live by. And the first rule is never believe what the government says |
| And here's another question. How is it that when it comes to us, it's abortion, but when it comes to talking about chickens, it's an omelet? Are we suddenly so much better than chickens? And when did it happen that we surpassed chickens in virtue? Give six reasons why we are better than chickens... See, no one can do it. Do you know why? Because chickens are decent people! You haven't seen chicks getting into gangs and doing drugs, have you? No. And you haven't seen a chicken strap someone into a chair by connecting his balls to a car battery, have you? When was the last time you heard of a rooster coming home from work and beating the crap out of his hen? This doesn't happen... Because chickens are decent people. |
| But you know, the more you listen to the abortion debate, the more times you see the phrase “sanctity of life.” No, seriously, “the sanctity of life.” Do you believe this? Personally, I think this is nonsense. I mean, who said life is sacred? God? If you read history, you would understand that God has been one of the main causes of human mortality for more than a thousand years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians ecstatically slaughtered each other because God told them it was a good idea. The sword of Allah, the blood of infidels, Divine retribution, millions of dead bastards, all because they answered the question “Do you believe in God?” incorrectly. "No". Bang! Dead body. “Do you believe in God?” “Yes...” “Do you believe in my God? "No". Bang! Dead body. “My God has a longer dick than your God!” |
| [in response to someone shouting from the audience] Would someone be so kind as to shut his mouth with a dick? Because that's what he's trying to achieve. This is a cocksucker in disguise. He opens his mouth because he wants to cum there. Now, you bastard, do you want to keep making noise so we can find you, or are you, you cowardly fag, going to shut your mitten before we find out where you're sitting? It’s just that if you continue like this, we’ll throw your fucking thing out into the street, where you and your mom crawled out from! But I already fuck her in the ass every night, so fuck you, your sister and wifey! And if you have a child, I hope this degenerate bitch dies in a car accident! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut up or get the fuck out of here! Do you know? See... Use psychology. Here you need to be partly a psychologist and you need to know how to win someone over. |
| Do you know what is most convenient in necrophilia? No need to bring flowers. Yes... Usually they are already there. |
| Cannibalism. Imagine: devouring another person. You must be running out of food and you must be fucking hungry. But it happens, right? It still happens to this day. A group of people thrown into the wild who are running out of fruit pie need something to eat... And maybe even Steve! Oh, by the way, how do you decide who to go to the barbecue first? Do you pick the smallest guy because he's skinny and won't be able to fight back, or do you gang up and kill the big guy because he'll make a shitload of chops? |
| Do you know what I love most about television? Bad news. Bad news, disasters, accidents and disasters. I crave explosions and fires. I want to see everything explode, bodies flying around. I don't care about the state budget. I don't care how the negotiations go. I don't want to know what country the fucking Pope is in now. But show me a hospital on fire and disabled people on crutches jumping from the roof - and I’m a happy guy. I want to see the oil refinery explode. I want to see a paint factory explode. I want to see a tornado destroy a church during Sunday service. I want to see a guy running around a supermarket with a machine gun, shooting at the clerks. I want to see a mob kill a policeman. I want to hear about radioactive fallout. I want to know that the stock market fell 2000 points in one day. I want to see people under stress. Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, explosions - this is my television. Fresh graves, sobbing parents. This is my television. I just want to have a little fun. This is the kind of person I am. Do you know what I like most? When large pieces of concrete and burning wood fall from the sky, and people run in panic, trying to dodge. It's fascinating. That's why I watch auto racing. This is the only reason I watch auto racing. I'm waiting for an accident, man. I want to see cars on fire. I don't care about a bunch of nerds driving 500 miles in a circle. 500 miles around? Not fucking impressive. This is baby talk. I want to see another idiot with hair on fire hitting his head trying to put it out. I want to see the boxes explode. How cars will tumble at 200 mph. Where else can I watch a 23-car collision without being an idiot? Well, if a couple of cars fly off the track and fly into the stands, killing fifty spectators - great! Fuck them, the audience. Serves them right. They paid to enter. Let them take risks like everyone else. |
I like to follow the exploits of serial killers, and therefore I always hope that the maniac will not be caught. And so I made recommendations that will help them walk in the wild longer and entertain me. TO THE KILLERS: If you are looking for some kind of unhealthy attention and fame, then I am not your help. But if you just want to kill and kill, then here’s how you can delay your detention and arrest as much as possible.
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| Carlin on maniacs |
LiveInternetLiveInternet
Live as if this day is your last, and one day it will be so. And you will be fully armed.
I'm not afraid of heights. But I am very afraid of falling from a height.
Instead of reminding pregnant women not to drink, I think we should remind women who are alcoholics not to fuck.
Remember and say “love you” to your loved ones, but really feel it first. A kiss and hug can fix any problem when it comes from the heart. Remember and hold hands and appreciate the moments when you are together because one day that person will not be there for you.
Keep learning. Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never leave your brain lazy. “An idle brain is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil's name is Alzheimer.
Property is a deception. Nobody owns anything. When you die, everything will remain here.
What's good about egoists? They don't discuss other people.
When some asshole tells you, “I have a right to my opinion,” you say, “Oh, yeah? And I have the right to my opinion, and my opinion is that you have no right to your opinion.” Then shoot the bastard and leave!
"In your own words." People say that, don't they? You can often hear someone ask you in class at school or in a courtroom: “Tell us in your own words.” Do you have any words of your own? Hey, I use the same ones as everyone else. The next time you are asked to say something in your own words, say: “Nick flack flarney clondeau flu.”
Here's another example of over-security. Have you noticed in the news on the box that when some guy with a Kalash bursts into the school yard and shoots three or four children and a couple of teachers, then the next day... the next day at school there are a ton of psychologists, psychiatrists, all sorts of sedatives, etc. ., who are trying to help children cope with what happened? Damn, when I was in school, if someone came in and shot three or four of us, we would go to math class and count: “35 classmates minus 4... equals 31.” We were tougher.
Santa is so funny mainly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I was wondering why people, as they get older, read the Bible more and more actively. And then it dawned on me: they are preparing for the final exam.
And what kind of joke is this - swearing to God? Why does it mean that if you swear to God that you are telling the truth? Doesn't work on me! If I were asked, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, before God?” - I would say: “Yes! I’ll tell you as much truth as there is in this fucking Bible of yours, and how will you like it?”
Inside every cynical person lives a frustrated idealist.
Most people with low self-esteem deserve it.
If everyone could read other people's thoughts, there would be more murderers.
We kill mosquitoes and flies because they are parasites. Lions and tigers because it's fun. Chickens and pigs because we're hungry. Pheasants and quail because it's fun and we're hungry. Well, people. We kill people because they are vermin... and it's fun.
Every third person on the planet suffers from some form of mental illness. Think about your two best friends. If they are ok, then it must be you.
There's nothing wrong with the planet. People are fucked.
I love it when a flower or tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. This is fucking heroic.
Think about how stupid the average person is, and then figure out in your head that half of them are even dumber.
You see, that's not how my mind works: I have a real idiotic piece of crap that I use called "thinking."
If all children are special, why do they grow up to be ordinary adults?
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why then is it illegal to fuck for money?
Motivation is bullshit. Motivated people are the cause of all problems. Fraudsters, serial killers, child molesters, orthodox Christians. These people are highly motivated. Either way, I think motivation is overrated.
Do you know what is most convenient in necrophilia? No need to bring flowers. Yes... Usually they are already there.
And by the way, I also know that all of you boring single dads and working moms who imagine themselves to be some kind of fucking heroes will not like this. But someone has to say, for your own sake: your children are overpraised and overrated, you have turned them into little cult objects. You have such a fetish - a child, and this is never healthy. And you don’t need to tell me all sorts of crap, like, “Well, I love my kids.” Fucking in the mouth! Yes, everyone loves their children, but that doesn’t make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Yes, I did. That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking to you about the constant fucking screeching in the media, this neurotic fixation that assumes that everything in the world revolves around the lives of children. This is an awesome distortion.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to avoid drowning.
Just think about it, religion was able to convince people that there is an invisible man who lives in the sky, and watches what you do every day, every minute... And the invisible man has a list of ten things that he did not want you to do when -either did! And if you do at least one of these ten things, he has a special place... full of fire, smoke, heat, suffering, pain, where he will send you... so that you suffer! They were burning! We were suffocating! They were screaming! And they cried! Forever and ever, until the end of time!... BUT HE LOVES YOU!
Home is where our junk is stored while we are away from home to get more junk.
It's always like this on the road... anyone who drives slower than you is weak-minded; Anyone who goes faster is crazy.
And I have a lot of ideas! The problem is that most of them are complete crap!
Religion is the greatest deception of humanity.
[edit] Fly in the ointment
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Find ten differences
Find ten differences
Carlin often found himself repeating the same joke over and over again. This is especially noticeable in his latest stand-ups, where he simply repeated all the jokes of his old performances, exchanging only curse words. Like all stand-up comedians, Carlin often began to “sell” his joke to the public, piling up absurdity (in the worst sense of the word) and increasing the amount of swearing per sentence. Основными объектами шуток Карлина были белые мужчины — высмеивать ниггеров, латиносов, женщин, геев маэстро побаивался. Apparently, due to the abundance of lawsuits from national minorities and other societies fighting for gender equality. Such selectivity and conformism are very striking if you take Karlin seriously as a tough guy-truth-teller and orderly of American society. First and foremost, he is a comedian.
Let's not forget his monstrous fan base, consisting of slightly less than entirely teenagers who drool at the mere mention of "religion" or "morality."
But for all this, Carlin really stood out on stage among other comedians, periodically cracking excellent jokes far beyond the foul. Thanks to him for this. Goodnight, sweet prince.
[edit]Also
Carlin played in three Kevin Smith films - the cardinal from Dogma, the old man with the "commandments of the road" from Jay and Silent Bob, as well as the grandfather of Jersey Girl and himself in the film The Aristocrats. In Scary Movie 3 he played a parody of the architect from the second Matrix. In the epic “Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,” as well as in the poor sequel “Bill and Ted's Creepy Journey,” Keanu Reeves played an alien from the future.
In addition to harsh ridicule of everything and everyone and periodic outhouse humor, George was not averse to irony on more highbrow topics. For example, in one of his books (he read the audiobooks himself, of course), he perfectly covered the topic of euphemisms in English and their influence on culture. With careful finishing with a file, this could lead to a good scientific work, although Karlin himself never graduated from any of your colleges.
In recent years, vanilla copy-paste has been floating around the Internet, which was attributed to Carlin (easy to identify, begins with “The paradox of our time is that we have tall buildings but low tolerance, wide highways but narrow views”). Allegedly, he revealed all this after the death of his wife. Carlin even had to publish a denial, inimitable in its intensity of hatred, that he had nothing to do with this crap.
Quotes
There are fewer alternatives, newspapers in this city, how many are there? There were 3-4, now there is one or two and they are owned by the same people, and they also own the radio station... There is no need for a formal conspiracy when there is a coincidence of interests, these people studied at the same universities, were members of the same communities and suburban clubs, they have the same interests, they have no need to convene meetings, they already know what is in their favor and they take it. There used to be 7 oil companies, now there are 3, and soon there will be 2. Those things that matter in this country are becoming less and less: two political parties, a handful of insurance companies, 6 or 7 information offices, but if you want bagels, then here are 23 different flavors for you. This is an illusion, the illusion of choice. In what is important, you do not choose and there is no freedom of choice. War is a way for rich people to protect their interests by sending middle and poor class children to their deaths. Lots of words and little meaning. The following statement is true. The previous one is a lie. I love this place, I love these freedoms... that we HAD.
[edit] Video gallery
Airline Announcements
| 1 | 3 | yes | Show | Hide |
| Religion is bullshit | The Planet is fine | |||
| George promotes Catholicism to the masses | God Bless America! | Oath on the Bible | ||
| Take off your hat | You have no right | Dumb | ||
| About motivation | About politicians | Dumb crap | ||
| About fat trusts | Little fails | About whores | ||
| About euphemisms |
