Steps to salvation
When a loved one is ill for a long time and incurably, it comes to the point where the boundary between oneself and another is lost, the value of life is lost, a feeling of one’s own extinction appears and there is no joy left.
What joy can there be in such circumstances? This is simply indecent, bad, immoral... If there is a terminally ill person in your house, and you often catch yourself in a similar state and thoughts, you need to learn several very important truths and take several important steps.
First of all, you need to realize that the trouble that happened to you is much bigger than you. It is akin to a fire or a tsunami.
Can you stop a wall of flames by simply getting in its way? No. It will swallow you whole and move on.
So it is here: by allowing the misfortune of a loved one to completely consume yourself, you will only destroy your own personality.
The result is depression, nervous breakdowns, impotent anger at the situation and the cause of it, that is, a sick person in the house, a withering feeling of guilt and grief, and so on in a circle. It is clear that this will not benefit your loved one and will not help either him or you.
Why do our loved ones hurt us?
Why do those closest to you hurt the most? Their words and actions affect us more powerfully than insults from strangers.
We are constantly trying to find an explanation for this, and in fact there is such an explanation. It's all about the law of the material world, which works regardless of whether we believe in it or not. It simply is, and this law is as follows: the more love and happiness a person brings, the stronger the pain from him will be.
After all, it is with close people that our emotions are most heightened, and our souls are most revealed. Therefore, any offense, the slightest careless word can become a real downfall for seemingly already firmly built happiness.
Who brings us the most pain?
The first pain, for sure, comes from those closest to you. And who could be closer than the parents who gave us life, the opportunity to be in this world?
Parents
Parents are a source of happiness and the most positive emotions for us when they support us and empathize with us. But in the moments when they scold us, say things that are unpleasant to us, and do not do what we expect from them, they turn into a source of pain for us. We may feel disappointment, anger, hatred, resentment towards them, but at these moments we do not feel love for them. We can feel anything, but not love.
Partners
The more we love our partner, the more obligations we place on him. No, we are not talking about the distribution of household responsibilities, we are talking about moral obligations. We expect our partner to constantly prove his love, and what causes us a lot of pain is not even betrayal, but banal indifference on his part. The current situation can be supplemented with independently thought-out details, reasons for a certain behavior of the partner, and the pain only intensifies.
So why is all this happening?
The answer lies in one phrase: “We expect from them.” Yes, we constantly expect our partner to react the way we imagine, and no other way. We expect our parents to never reproach us. We expect that we will always see a whole range of positive emotions on the faces of our loved ones and are very offended when this does not coincide with reality.
But what's really going on?
Every person strives to experience happiness. This is a completely normal desire, but not everyone chooses the right path to their happiness. It turns out that by expecting certain actions from loved ones, we demand that they follow the script. We came up with this scenario ourselves, and we try to bring it to life again and again. When our desires are shattered by reality, we experience pain. The pain is that our loved one is not what we imagined, that his actions do not correspond to the script.
At this moment we can feel anything for him, but not love. With these discrepancies, the world is trying to shout to us; it shows us again and again that next to us is not a fictional character who is ready to fulfill our every whim, but a person with his own emotions, desires and characteristics. But we continue to ignore this person, we do not notice his needs, we do not hear his words. We feel anything for him, but not love.
What to do?
To correct this situation, you just need to open your eyes wide and look carefully around you. It is to look around, and not to continue to believe in the picture that we have come up with for ourselves.
Learn to accept all manifestations of loved ones with understanding and gratitude. Your husband may respond inappropriately to your enthusiastic story about a trip to see your mother because he is going through a difficult period at work.
The neighbor may not say hello because she remembered that the iron was left on at home and is now in a hurry to return. A child may get a C for the first time because in class he composed his first poem in his life, and did not draw boring geometric shapes...
Before you get offended, angry, ignore or insult your loved one, stop. Think for a second about what reasons could motivate him? Perhaps this behavior of theirs is also your fault? Be honest with yourself.
Practice understanding, hearing and feeling your loved ones by performing a very effective exercise. You will need a piece of paper (possibly several), a pencil or a pen. Divide the piece of paper into two columns and in the left column, list in detail everything that offends, irritates, or angers you about your loved one. Is he always gloomy in the evenings? Write it down! Is it impossible to take him/her out for a walk on weekends? Does he/she often raise his/her voice? Are you not satisfied with his salary? Write whatever you think is necessary. If necessary, take the next piece of paper, do not save paper. When you're done, re-read the list. And now in the right column we begin to write the following list, which will show how you react to the actions of a loved one.
Is he moody in the evenings? And you nag him for this until the night? Write, don't be shy. He/she doesn’t go for a walk on weekends because you spend the whole day reproaching him/her for not dressing/shoeing/smiling properly and being ashamed in front of people? He doesn't earn much, but do you forget that you refused to move to another city when he was offered a promotion?
Answer honestly, write your true reactions. The right column is what your loved one sees. When finished, tear the leaves in half and burn the entire left column. And re-read the right column carefully, analyzing. Don’t try to object or challenge, just think about what you are doing. Without returning to his actions, think only about your behavior.
Bo Analyze what you can change and start changing today. This will not pass without a trace, and your loved ones will begin to change. You will cease to be opponents, enemies, and the pulling of the blanket over yourself will end. You will become loving people again. Appreciate love and intimacy, take care of each other!
With love and faith in you, Maria Shakti.
What stage of experiencing loss is the most dangerous for the psyche?
Denial, anger and apathy are probably the most dangerous stages of experiencing loss. Some people in the denial stage may experience psychosis: such patients claim that their loved one is not dead and is about to return. Being at the stage of anger, a person is capable of harming others, since at this stage anger is directed not at himself, but at others, at the outside world. In this state, a person can lash out at someone whom he considers guilty of the death of a loved one and begin to take revenge. If a person remains in a state of apathy for a long time, this can develop into clinical depression.
Stop panicking - the main rule
No matter how nervous you are, the fact of what happened will not change. Usually, in a stressful situation and against the background of worries about a relative who has ended up in the hospital, the mind refuses to accept reality - hysterics or conversations like “maybe everything will work out, everything is not so bad ...” begins.
Some begin to engage in self-flagellation, talk about “what would have happened if...”. Remember: blaming yourself or an injured loved one has never done anyone any good. Such reproaches only frustrate and do not allow you to concentrate on goals that are more pressing at the moment.
To collect yourself, try to turn off your emotions and say: “Yes, there was trouble. Dad (mom) is in the hospital. There is no way to change this." Further actions should be appropriate to the situation.
How long is too long?
I remember telling someone I was having a hard day about five weeks after my partner drowned. “Why, what happened?” - asked my interlocutor. “Well, Matt died,” I replied. "Oh yes! Does this still bother you?
Still worrying. Yes. In five days, five weeks, five years.
After Matt died, I was told something very precise: with a tragedy of this magnitude, the phrase “just happened” could mean eight days later or eight years later.
When I talk to someone who has experienced loss in the last two years, I always say, “This just happened. Just a minute ago. Of course, you’re still in pain.” I physically feel how my interlocutor feels better.
We are accustomed to the idea that any serious condition should last a maximum of two months. Exceeding this period is regarded as simulation. As if the loss of a loved one is just a temporary inconvenience, a minor nuisance, something you shouldn’t be upset about for a long time.
In our medical model of the world, grief that lasts more than six months is considered a “disorder.”
Symptoms of so-called “complicated” grief—those that require psychological intervention—include longing for the deceased, feelings of injustice, and a persistent sense of irreversibility of life (and other forms of so-called “feelings of hopelessness”). In real life, it is believed that such symptoms should disappear much earlier than after six months.
Many psychologists, clergy and psychotherapists are confident that a strong reaction to loss that lasts longer than two weeks is already wrong. And these doctors' beliefs are passed on to the population, reinforcing the idea that you should get back to normal as soon as possible.
The medicalization—and pathologization—of a healthy, normal, natural response to loss is laughable and harmful.
Distribution pathology
When it comes to grief, we all put on blinders. Clinical psychologist training programs devote very little time to this issue, despite the fact that most clients arrive in a severely traumatized state. Today's training is based on a long-outdated system of stages of grief, which was not originally intended as guidelines for the “proper” process of loss. What medical professionals are taught trickles down to the masses.
In our culture, grief is viewed almost exclusively in negative terms.
It is considered a distortion, a deviation from a “normal”, happy life. This condition is interpreted as a disorder. We think that the pain of loss is a short-term acute response to a difficult situation, and therefore its experience should take a maximum of a few weeks.
Grief that lasts longer without dissolving into pleasant memories and rare melancholy smiles indicates that all is not well with you: you are not as resilient, experienced or healthy as you thought.
Sadness, grief, pain - all these words mean: something is wrong with you.
You are stuck in so-called bad emotions. You don't move through the stages of grief. With your endless grief you are hindering your own recovery. You are sick and need treatment.
When people talk about grief in a more positive way, they always have a goal in mind. Popular psychology, self-help books, movies, novels, and spiritual literature extol strokes of fate as a path to personal growth; overcoming such trials becomes the most important goal, and happiness is a sure sign of a good life. Your health and mental well-being depend on your ability to rise above tragedy, maintain composure, and find happiness within yourself.
Your broken heart is completely helpless in the face of these dogmas. You cannot just feel pain - it will definitely be considered pathological.
When to ask for help
When stuck in performing any of the described tasks, when it is impossible to come to terms with the loss and learn new experiences, the work of grief can take on a pathological character. It is necessary to distinguish between the normal functioning of grief and the manifestations of clinical depression, which requires medical intervention and psychological help (on average, every fifth griever is affected by it). Symptoms of serious depression that require help include:
- continuous thoughts about the hopelessness of the current situation, despair
- obsessive thoughts about suicide or death
- denial or distortion of the fact of loss
- uncontrollable or excessive crying
- inhibited physical reactions and responses
- extreme weight loss
- persistent inability to perform basic daily tasks
The painfulness of symptoms is determined not so much by their content as by their duration, severity and consequences: how much they interfere with a person’s life and contribute to the development of concomitant diseases. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for a non-specialist to distinguish the normal course of grief from its pathological form. If you have any suspicions, do not put off visiting a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Somatopsychics
Somatopsychiatry is when the patient’s somatic state affects his psychological well-being. If a person is in physical pain, this will definitely affect his psyche. The behavior and mood of an oncology patient can change several times a day. The patient may experience sudden attacks of aggression, tears, bursts of energy, and weakness. It is important for relatives to remember that it is not about them - this is normal behavior when a person is sick. Just keep in mind that this happens and it's normal.
I would advise parents not to forget about themselves. Children often become the center of our lives. When a child is sick, the adult’s entire life is built around the illness. It's important to remember to do what's right for you. It is elementary not to forget about your vital needs - about food and sleep (and in such a situation it is very easy to forget about this). Ask for help in everyday matters - ask to go to the store, to spend at least a few hours with the child.
It is important not to forget that the world has not collapsed, it is still in place. Nobody knows what will happen next. But the fact that you are now on your feet, you are fighting - and this is worth a lot.
One of the most common mistakes made by relatives of adult cancer patients is overprotection. Relatives often make decisions for the patient himself. They want to cure it on their own, regardless of official medicine, they often resort to alternative methods of treatment, dragging the patient to doctors, healers, and abroad. They can also be understood - this is an attempt to cling to every chance. The person does not accept the current situation; the main thing for him is to fight, no matter how. Sometimes relatives do this not so much for the patient, but for themselves. In doing this, they miss the most important thing - the opportunity to simply be with their loved ones. It is necessary to check with the patient himself, not just listen, but hear him.
