Funny quotes: with humor and meaning about life, about men and women

Funny quotes about life with humor

1. There's a skinny person inside me, struggling to get out, but it usually calms down with four or five cupcakes. (Robert Toews)
2. A stockbroker advised me to buy a stock that would be worth three times as much every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” (Claude Pepper)
3. Laughing at our mistakes can extend our own lives. Laughing at someone else can shorten it. (Cullen Hightower)
4. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is to watch TV. (David Letterman)
5. Tax evasion is the only intellectual pursuit in life that still carries any reward. (John Maynard Keynes)

6. Life is hard, but if you're stupid, it's even harder. (John Wayne)
7. All my life I wanted to at least once say something smart without losing my mind. (Robert Brito)
8. It took me fifteen years of my life to discover that I had no talent for writing. But I couldn't give it up because by that time I was already too famous. (Robert Benchley)
9. Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what goes into it. (Tom Lehrer)
10. You can live to be a hundred years old if you give up everything that makes you want to live to be a hundred years old. (Woody Allen)

To raise a cheerful mood, we recommend reading 100 funny questions for a girl.

A little about goats...

And other pets - statuses about men who do not value women.

1. Life is much easier for men - they can afford to get married later... and die earlier!
2. All girls are beautiful... if they are appreciated!
3. There are only a few girls in the world who can color your life... don’t waste your chance!
4. Pathetic is the man who married out of fear of being alone...
5. A girl’s worries should be limited only to maintaining her morning beauty...
6. Women are like a fire - it cannot be left unattended. It can flare up and consume everything around, or it can simply fade out...
7. The men are in solidarity on only one issue - their distrust of us!
8. Well, let’s say I was wrong... but can you ask me for forgiveness?!
9. Maybe women don’t like to tell men about their past... but men are in no hurry to tell us about our future!
10. The intelligence level of men is assessed by their attitude towards women...
11. From the height of my years, I can say that all men are monsters! All that remains is to feed them better...
12. Someone tell men about the existence of progress... otherwise they are still convinced that a woman is obliged to wash the dishes!

Funny quotes with meaning

1. Rejection is like fertilizer: it stinks, but it will help things grow faster in the future. (Denis Whately)
2. As long as people accept crap, it will be financially profitable to distribute it and produce it. (Dick Cavett)
3. The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. (Harlan Ellison)
4. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to humanity than all the governments in history combined. (Jim Garrison)
5. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism; stealing from many is research. (Stephen Wright)
6. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political advertising. (Andy Borowitz)
7. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people look bright until you hear them talk. (Alan Dundes)

8. Going to church doesn't make you a big Christian, any more than going to a garage makes you a car. (Billy Sunday)
9. When I was a boy, I was told that anyone could become president. Now I'm starting to believe it. (Clarence Darrow)
10. Facebook sounds like a burden to me. In my day, looking at pictures of people on vacation was considered punishment. (Betty White) (For more positivity, we recommend reading quotes about summer, vacation and the sea).
11. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. (Erma Bombeck)
12. Marriage is the only war in which you often sleep with the enemy. (Francois de La Rochefoucauld)
13. A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is simply running somewhere. (Groucho Marx)
14. Today's judge is a law student who grades his own exam papers. (Henry Mencken)
15. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me another six months. (Walter Matthau)

With humor about men and women, husband and wife

1. There are two types of people at every party: those who want to go home and those who don't. The problem is that they are usually married to each other. (Ann Landers)
2. Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is most likely a woman. (Desmond Morris)
3. Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is his wife. (Groucho Marx)
4. Before marriage, a man declares that he will give his life for his wife. And after the wedding, he won’t even fold his newspaper to talk to you. (Helen Rowland)
5. My wife Maria and I have been married for forty-seven years, and we have never had an argument strong enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)
6. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. (James Thurber). (You will like proverbs and quotes about family and family values, which we recommend reading).
7. Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go shopping and you don’t like anything, and then you’re lucky. Next week you might find two perfect pairs, but you don't have the money to buy both. (Janet Ivanovich)
   Read also:  “Everyone’s children are like children, and you...” Typical phrases from parents that hurt us
8. When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. (Philip, Duke of Edinburgh)
9. I love being married. It's great to find that special man you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Radner)
10. We sleep in separate rooms, have separate meals, take separate vacations—we do everything we can to keep our marriage intact. (Rodney Dangerfield)
11. I live by my own rules (tested, revised and approved by my wife)... but still my own. (Sea Robertson)
12. Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late whether they are good or bad. (Woody Allen)
13. I want to be like a caterpillar: eat a lot, sleep a little, and wake up beautiful. (Unknown)
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. (Unknown)
15. Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. (You can read more about women and men in the funny aphorisms of the Ural dumplings).

Short funny phrases and quotes

1. The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. (Al McGuire)
2. I don't believe in astrology: I'm a Sagittarius, and Sagittarians are always skeptical. (Arthur Clarke)
3. War is a way of teaching Americans geography. (Ambrose Bierce)
4. Trouble knocked on the door, but when they heard laughter, they hurried away. (Benjamin Franklin)
5. Line up in alphabetical order based on your height. (Casey Stengel)

6. Under no circumstances should you take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. (Dave Barry)
7. Have you ever noticed that if someone drives slower than you, it means they are an idiot, and if someone drives faster than you, then they are suicidal? (George Carlin)
8. If you have a hard time laughing at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you. (Groucho Marx)
9. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, then go to bed early. (Henny Youngman)
10. I discovered that there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Phrases and funny quotes with humor for Instagram and VK

1. I am always late to the office, but I compensate for this by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)
2. Political correctness is tyranny with manners. (Charlton Heston)
3. Don't give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping!
4. I'm too drunk to try this chicken. (Colonel Sanders)
5. Everything that was once a sin is now a disease. (Bill Mar)
6. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. (Don Marquis)
7. The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. (Dorothy Parker)
8. I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. (Drake)
9. A patriot's duty is to protect his country from the government. (Edward Abbey)
10. I drink to make other people more interesting. (Ernest Hemingway)
11. You're as good as your last haircut. (Fran Lebowitz)
12. Let the forces of evil become entangled on their way to your home. (George Carlin)

13. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
14. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. (Groucho Marx)
15. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. (John F. Kennedy)
16. Flattery is like eau de toilette, which is better to splash on rather than drink. (Josh Billings)
17. If you are too open with others, then your brains will fall out. (Lawrence Ferlinghetti)
18. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. (Mark Twain)
19. Don't ask me questions and I won't tell you lies. (Oliver Goldsmith)
20. If you need to make noise, then make it quietly. (Oliver Hardy)
21. Don't be afraid of perfection. You will never achieve it. (Salvador Dali)
22. If you're going through hell, keep going. (Winston Churchill)
23. The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open. (Frank Zappa)
24. A day without laughter is a wasted day. (Charlie Chaplin)
25. If you think, you can think big. (Donald Trump)

Funny sayings and quotes about money

1. When they say money can't buy happiness, they don't know where to shop. (Gertrude Stein)
2. I have enough money that I'll ever need if I'm dead by four o'clock. (Henny Youngman)
3. The most important thing in the world is love, not money. Luckily, I love money. (Jackie Mason)
4. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect them back. (Oscar Wilde)
5. A rich man is nothing more than a poor man with money. (William Claude Fields)
6. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large scientific staff to study the problem. (William-Bill Vaughan)
7. Where there is success and money, 500 relatives always appear.
8. Money, if it doesn't bring you happiness, will at least help you be comfortable in being miserable. (Helen Brown)
9. Inflation is when you pay $15 for a $10 haircut that you got for $5 when you still had hair.
10. Money will buy you a beautiful, purebred dog, but it will not buy its tail. (Henry Wheeler Shaw).

About any internecine

Beautiful statuses about men and women that you want to share with everyone!

1. Women should make life easier for men, not turn them into wimps!
2. If there is a man in charge in the house, then most likely he is a bachelor!
3. Well, well... that means male cooks are better, male doctors are better... Well, okay, but you don’t have boobs!
4. The biggest problem with a man’s appearance is the lack of money!
5. Naive girls believe in an oath, experienced girls believe in compliments... and smart girls believe only in themselves!
6. Women aren't that stupid... when it comes to men.
7. There are several ways to control a woman... but no one knows about them.
8. Only thanks to women did men learn to change their socks!
9. Many men tried to change me... but I only changed one thing - the men in my life!
10. The best way to argue with a woman is to wait until she hears you...
11. If a girl has a visible halo, then this is most likely just a good disguise!
12. When a man needs only one thing, it’s not the worst option. A bad option is when he doesn’t need anything...