How to forgive betrayal and lies?

482

February 11, 2017 — 4 comments
Well, almost seven years have passed. Then?

Well, have you forgotten? Of course not.

You remember that day as if it happened yesterday. That ordinary evening, seemingly no different from others. That normal conversation with your friend. And everything would have remained forgotten if not for one random phrase that jumped out of the interlocutor’s mouth.

Injustice that cuts the soul

What phrase? Yes, a couple of unremarkable words about how a person who was once close to you and the one whom you previously considered your friend spent a wonderful holiday together during the New Year holidays.

Do you remember? Do you feel all the pain and disappointment rising in your throat again? How did an unbearable feeling of injustice, anger and disappointment engulf your entire body, squeezing it from all sides? Something broke inside, and the torn ends of this “something” still cut your soul.

Do you remember how at that very moment you wanted to destroy them both? Take revenge on them for their betrayal and lies. A lie that was played out in front of you like a performance every time you met and communicated together for several years.

Do you remember the day when you wrote a message that the show of lies was over? How did he pour out a couple of sheets of accusatory text, torn by rage, hatred and pain at the same time?

Do you remember how in response you received a sincere apology and a request for forgiveness for everything? Apologies for lying, because they were afraid to tell the truth so as not to hurt you. Funny paradox, right? They were afraid to hurt you with the truth, but in reality they pierced your heart with lies, like a sharp spear, the wound from which has not healed to this day.

Deception is choosing one way of looking at a situation over others.

Cinema is a deception of the eyes, music is also a deception of the ears... every art is a deception of the senses. The ban on deception blocks a person’s ability to change his point of view on a situation. All our points of view are subjective, there is always something left out and something distorted. Any words can be deception. And to believe that there are phrases and actions that do not contain a drop of deception is naive and painful, because it is unrealistic... i.e. also a deception. Even the traffic light is green at one moment and red at another . He can also be called a deceiver. If you can't express your outrage directly...

Repressed pain of resentment

Of course you tried to get rid of the pain. First I cut these people out of my life. Then I tried to forget everything that connected you with them. I deleted my phones, stopped communicating with mutual friends, and erased all memories from my memory.

Years passed. Vivid impressions gradually replaced the pain of resentment and injustice. New acquaintances and friends filled me with positive emotions and delighted me with a sincere attitude. Gradually, it began to seem to you that you had probably forgiven your offenders, since memories of them no longer brought internal discomfort. You rejoiced at this fact, because in your heart you had long wanted to forgive them.

True, the joy of forgiveness was short-lived. Exactly until the moment you met them by chance together. At that very second, an avalanche of negative emotions hit you, all the scars of hard-healed mental wounds were torn. The suffocating pain of disappointment and a sense of injustice rose in my throat again. The illusion of forgiveness collapsed and was broken into small pieces. Only one thought flashed through my head: “Why am I in so much pain again, because it seemed to me that I had forgiven them?”

The rest of the day you walked around, not finding a place for yourself. The mental pain did not subside, and its wick is still smoldering. You clearly realized that you forgave them only with your mind, but not with your heart. And only one question gnaws at you day after day: “How to forgive betrayal and lies with all your heart?”

https://www.unprofound.com, by iclturkey

In family life, we sometimes hear the words: “You deceived / cheated / betrayed me.” Nobody wants to hear such words. But the forbidden is so attractive... And in the end it ends with these very words: “You me...”.

But from a philosophical point of view, deception, betrayal and betrayal are different concepts.

Someone believes that if his “other half” just corresponds on the Internet about love and sexual topics, then this is already treason. Likewise, a guy may feel that his girlfriend is cheating on him if she is also dating another guy. What is a deep kiss with another man? Treason or betrayal? And if it never came to “real” sex, but there was something else...

Where is the line between prank and treason? After all, this can get to the point where looking at another woman will be considered treason. And if you accidentally touch its protruding parts... will it be a universal betrayal, divorce and execution?

What is deception and what is betrayal? And what does this have to do with treason? This is what we will try to figure out. It would seem that there is no need to examine such uninteresting questions.

And so, they say, everything is clear. It turns out that it is not so clear.

Popular talk shows show this well. People gather there who do not know how to accurately define the subject of discussion. And they shout at each other, distort concepts and cite absurd slogans and clichés as proof of their statements. As a result, these “talk massacres” look like organizational meetings of a troop of monkeys in a tree. They just don't throw oranges at each other.

The reason for this verbal nonsense is known. No one was taught logic at school. And philosophy is still considered something like demagoguery. Moreover, this is the opinion of those for whom there is no difference between deception, treason and betrayal. But we, without realizing it ourselves, use logic and various philosophical concepts every day. In any discussion, we use these concepts as “building blocks.” And we argue and argue... as it often turns out, about completely different things.

For example, we are talking about polygamy. But one interlocutor believes that this is only polygamy and cites harems as an example. And another considers polygamy to be an Indian custom, when one woman marries several male brothers at once. The first interlocutor does not agree with this and says that this Indian custom is not polygamy, but complete debauchery due to the lack of women.

And the argument almost leads to a fight. And the whole point is that they have not decided on the CONCEPTS. Both are polygamy, just different types of it: harems are polygyny (polygamy). And the Indian custom is polyandry (polyandry). And all together, polygyny and polyandry are polygamy. And that's it, there's nothing more to argue about.

To make the right judgments and make the right decisions, you must first determine the OBJECT of the discussion. Those. give it the correct definition. What is it, what applies to it, what does not apply, and so on. And this is the philosophical definition of this CONCEPT. So we use philosophy all the time without realizing it. Therefore, we will start with definitions.

DECEPTION

The closest thing to the concept of “deception” is the concept of “lie” defined by Wikipedia: “A lie is an intentional decision to mislead the person to whom the information is addressed, without warning of one’s intention to do so.” Wikipedia gives other definitions of lying, but this one most closely corresponds to the concept of “deception.”

We learn to lie as children and continue to lie throughout our lives. But usually it's a little lie. Instead of “I don’t want to now,” we find a completely plausible explanation for why this is now, in principle, impossible. And therefore, our reluctance to do something does not cause protest or indignation from the interlocutor.

We lie to children when answering their non-childish questions. We lie so as not to upset. We “sacredly” lie to a terminally ill patient that he will recover and that everything is fine at home now.

And, of course, we deceive each other. Most often, for good reasons, so as not to bother your “other half”: “No, nothing hurts me, don’t worry... We’re fine with money... There are no problems at work...”.

And we prefer to remain silent about our “pranks”, which, according to Wikipedia’s definition, is also a type of lie. Why, one might ask, tell him that she sat on someone’s lap? After all, nothing happened... Or that during the dance he held himself a little lower than the waist and that he whispered at the same time... The partner’s ignorance of all this gives peace and tranquility in their life together.

And these men’s hands are playful... What kind of paradise they have not become acquainted with during their lives. It didn’t reach the bed, but there were caresses. Who hasn't had this happen? Only for those who take care of themselves, saving, apparently, for a happy life after death. Those. deceives himself in anticipation of heavenly caresses instead of real ones.

These “pranks” remain unknown to anyone except their participants. Deception or simply silence hides them and saves the family from scandals and divorces. Truly a “white lie.” Such deception turns out to be useful in family life.

Crystal honesty in relationships is often simply harmful. A painfully honest person will reveal all the “secrets” of the family in a conversation with friends. Therefore, his “half” is simply forced to hide a lot from him. Again, deception for the greater good.

So, as we see in these examples, each of us uses deception almost every day. And sometimes it’s completely impossible to do without it. So, deception is not so bad. In many cases it gives us peace and tranquility.

TREASON

Adultery, as defined by Wikipedia, is “consensual sexual intercourse between a married person and a person other than his or her spouse.” Or “the fact of sexual intimacy between a married person and a person outside the marriage.”

But the concept of “treason” today is more complex than it was “yesterday” due to the widespread development of new forms of sexual contact. For example, what is considered “sexual intimacy” in the modern world?

https://www.unprofound.com, by jim

Will the case when they rub their bodies without undressing and without the traditional introduction... be considered treason according to the old definitions? Or when a man and a woman each masturbate themselves in front of each other, without having sexual intercourse with each other? Is there a difference between the fact that they do this while they are nearby, or if it is done remotely, via a web camera?

The Old Testament Sarah did not consider it a betrayal for Abraham that he slept with Hagar (whom she herself put into his bed). Later, Jehovah, and after him Jesus, introduced stricter rules of chastity.

Let's not consider the religious understanding of treason. Religion, from the moment of the appearance of Jehovah and Jesus, gives such an interpretation that according to it, a woman turns out to be something like a man’s movable property. And this is in no way acceptable today.

The boundary between cheating/not cheating depends only on personal attitudes of the “code of decency”. The code of decency is given to a person in childhood. Parents, school or local punks. During life, this boundary shifts if there are significant changes in the world around us. Either technological, as in the case of the appearance of web cameras, or psychological, as in the novels by R. Heinlein “The Puppeteers” or J. Wyndham “The Day of the Triffids”.

The “completely naked” dress code, polygamy or making “love” in front of strangers is all a matter of habit. If you live in a shared cave, where privacy is impossible, you will get used to having sex when any of your body movements can be seen or heard by everyone nearby.

Today, the most “average” definition, not going to extremes, can be considered the definition of infidelity - as a traditional sexual act carried out by the first partner with someone else, without the knowledge and consent of the second partner. Please note: “without the knowledge or consent of the other partner.” Because “with the knowledge and consent” is no longer adultery, although it is sexual intercourse “between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse.”

The question of same-sex “infidelity” is more complicated. And here everything depends on the second spouse. How he feels about this: he considers it the height of infidelity or simply a harmless quirk of his partner.

All other “body rubbing” and manual caresses should not be considered treason. Not because they have spread widely throughout the world. But because if they are recognized as treason and grounds for divorce, then about half of existing marriages may fall apart. And this will not benefit either the spouses, their children, or society.

The situation is also more complicated with oral sex. But in recent years, views on them have changed to the point where it is necessary to study them at school. To replace other sexual experiments of schoolchildren with them and, thereby, protect them from unwanted pregnancies at this age (England).

Supporters of traditional views will say that this, to put it mildly, is lack of culture. Well, in terms of culture, we are as far from England as walking to Mars. Our ancestors were still slurping cabbage soup when the law on the protection of intellectual property was adopted in England.

But let's ask a question: how many women, while married, allowed another man to give them such caresses and responded in kind? At least once during your life. How many will answer “Yes”? And how many marriages will remain unbroken in this case?

Now let's ask the spouses who celebrated their golden wedding whether they had any infidelity. Many of them will answer: “Yes, they were.” This means that cheating did not prevent them from living happily together for so many years.

A British sociologist actually proposed a new recipe for happiness: a long marriage and a lot of sex with lovers. “…a philosophical approach to adultery strengthens a marriage. ... she emphasized that she was not saying that everyone should cheat on their partners. According to her, the key point should be a more tolerant attitude towards infidelity, which is practiced, in addition to the French, by Italians and Spaniards.” (https://www.newsru.com/world/21aug2012/recipe.html)

Please note that this is said by a sociologist, a specialist, and not some “father” who is an expert in something completely different.

What is more important for us, happiness with a loved one or intolerance to betrayal? Should we live “by principles,” like Pavka Korchagin and Pavlik Morozov, or change these principles and recognize our own attraction to other partners as natural? And give the right to the same craving to your only and beloved person.

Saying “change your principles” is easy, doubters will say. How to choose this limit in practice? Here it is best to use the principle of non-harm to the partner. If your sexual “pranks” do not harm your family or make your partner suffer, then they are completely acceptable. Moreover, causing harm to your partner’s “spiritual values” only means that you and him disagreed in your understanding of these values. And if you do not find a compromise with him, then the collapse of the family is inevitable.

Yes, this point of view is not easy to accept. But betrayal happens in the world every day. There's no getting around this. The world and human nature cannot be changed by any ideological education. As psychologists say on Wikipedia, prohibitions and authoritarian upbringing only lead to greater sophistication in lying. This means that this does not eliminate betrayal.

But if you raise the “bar” of acceptability and don’t consider sexual “pranks” to be cheating, then life will become easier. We all strive to make it easier for us, not harder. And increasing loyalty, by the way, according to the same psychologists, leads to a decrease in the number of lies in relationships. Those. to greater spiritual openness of the spouses and, therefore, greater spiritual rapprochement.

This is the same principle that applies in politics: conflict cannot be resolved by force. It is easier to achieve a compromise not through firmness and adherence to principles, but through liberality and greater freedom.

Treason can be mental, physical and ideological. If you are stressed by your “half” and you close your soul from it, then you open it to someone else. And after your soul, you will most likely discover your body.

Well, ideological betrayal in the family is when one of the spouses, without the knowledge of the second, changes his views and principles of life, and the second remains with the same. As a result, the “lines” of their lives diverge more and more. Then other beds appear, and then divorce is just around the corner.

Betrayal can happen to friends too. Cheating can also happen in a relationship with a mistress. For example, cheating on her with another mistress. Cheating can be a way of taking revenge for mental or physical suffering. Or an “outlet” that allows you to take a break from problems and monotony.

In any case, cheating is a temporary distraction from everyday boring life. And the good thing about it is that betrayal lifts your spirits, improves your tone and gives you strength to endure future hardships. Remember your betrayals. How many positive emotions did they give you?

In different forms of marriage, the concept of betrayal is also different. In a traditional monogamous family, the bar for cheating is the lowest. Deep kissing your wife's friend is often considered cheating.

In an open marriage, the concept of infidelity does not exist at all (see the definition of “Open Marriage”). Sexual contacts on the side are a natural occurrence for such a marriage.

In a family of swingers, there is also no betrayal within the swing group. After all, all sexual relations with anyone within this group occur with the knowledge and consent of the second partner. No matter how many there are and no matter what form they take. But sexual contacts outside this group and without the knowledge of the second partner will most likely cause a reaction: “betrayal.” If such “external” contacts are negotiated and agreed upon, then they will not be treason.

In a polyamorous group or family, infidelity is interpreted in exactly the same way as in a swinger family: everything that is jointly agreed upon and approved is permitted.

Lovers of the religious code of decency call any, even such consensual betrayal, a sin. But they need to be reminded that they can keep their personal opinion to themselves and not impose it on others, as a mandatory norm of behavior for everyone. Let them be more concerned about their own sins of driving foreign cars while intoxicated and doing business under the guise of donations.

The Russian Family Code affirms the freedom and voluntariness of a marriage between a man and a woman. And also that the concept of “treason” as a reason for divorce is not defined by law. This means that each person has the right to decide for himself what treason is.

Such freedom given to spouses is only pleasing. It would be much worse if the list of grounds for divorce were established prescriptively, as a dictate of traditional religious views. But today (hopefully in the future) as Wikipedia says: “only the spouses themselves are able to assess their seriousness and sufficiency for divorce.”

Thus, the RF IC does not explicitly require spouses to be faithful to each other.”

BETRAYAL

According to Wikipedia, “betrayal is a violation of loyalty to someone or failure to fulfill a duty to someone.

Betrayal is most often called leaving a friend in trouble and high treason. Often betrayal is also called adultery...”

In relation to family, the part of the definition that comes closest is “leaving a friend in need.” Therefore, “pranks” on the side that do not cause one of the spouses to leave the family in distress are not betrayal. Just like a girl hanging out with two guys at once.

The world has changed over the past centuries. A technique is about to appear that allows you to fool around in other people's heavens at a distance and at the same time feel everything. What will become of today's definition of sexual intimacy? And what then will we consider treason? Apparently, we will have to either “grow mold” on its Old and New Testament understanding, or change OUR ideas about this, adjusting them to our today’s world.

Our problem is that our awareness of social and personal moral and ethical standards is changing too slowly. It does not keep up with the current rate of change in the world around us. Just now there were 2 billion of us, and now there are already 7 billion. “Yesterday” we believed that we exist only to make the state feel good. And today we have a completely opposite goal - so that we all feel good, and so that we live for our own happiness.

With such drastic changes in goals, we must always look back at the basic principles of our personal life and the life of the entire society. And adjust them in accordance with new goals. If you don’t do this, you can turn into an elder who believes that a donkey is always better than a car and an airplane.

Good luck to you in rethinking your goals and moral principles.

Peace and love to you.

IOCL, Jerusalem, 2013

Comments (1)

Juliet: Feb 19, 2014 at 06:23 AM
The author of the article avoids one significant issue. Marriage is a property concept. Wouldn't it be a betrayal of one's wife to need financial assistance for another woman's child? The same thing happens when the husband is faced with the fact that he is not the biological father of the child. It seems to me that the natural (in my opinion) desire for polyamory does not justify breaking agreements. In the end, no one was forced down the aisle.

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The world through the prism of a square

In order to understand these emotional states, as well as to get rid of them forever, you first need to understand their causes. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will help us understand these cause-and-effect relationships.

As Yuri Burlan’s Systemic Vector Psychology explains, a feeling of injustice, betrayal and resentment arises only in people with an anal vector in a certain state.

The reasons for the appearance of such states lie in our unconscious. More precisely, each vector has a certain prism of perception of the world around. In the anal vector, it is the shape of a square, that is, a figure with straight sides.

Warp of the inner square

In Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan it is said that representatives of the anal vector often use words such as “equally”, “fairly”, “in half”, “honestly”. It is with these words that they notify the outside world about their psychological comfort.

The straight sides of the square represent a rigidly fixed structure. Any distortion of at least one of the edges of the square leads to a violation of the geometric integrity of the square.

The same thing happens to the psyche of a person with an anal vector. Any deviation from his concepts of justice and truth leads to internal distortion and, as a result, causes terrible psychological discomfort. Any negative word or deed instantly triggers this mechanism, turning it into a strong feeling of injustice. Immediately a resentment forms, the person withdraws, becomes gloomy and even goes into a state of stupor, in which he mentally returns to the offender, replays the situation again and again, mentally proving his own rightness.

Being in this state, the representative of the anal vector wants to equalize his internal imbalance. He wants to restore justice to himself in any way, and the option of returning to this balance is to take revenge on the offender.

If you immediately ask for forgiveness, then the anal person automatically becomes equalized. But if you leave him in an offended state for a long time, then the desire for revenge will grow exponentially, leaving him all this time in terrible internal discomfort.

Closed doors of trust

According to System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan, such an internal distortion also occurs in the case of betrayal. Only owners of the anal vector perceive betrayal as betrayal and injustice towards them.

The fact is that the concept of family relationships among people with an anal vector is at the highest level of the hierarchy of values. They experience an absolute sense of inner comfort, giving their partner their care, devotion and fidelity. They expect the same and in the same quantity in relation to themselves.

In case of betrayal, all their values are shattered. All the love, care and trust given turns out to be devalued. A person develops a strong resentment and a feeling that his highest values have been betrayed and trampled upon. From this moment on, the owner of the anal vector slams the doors of trust forever, hangs a barn lock on them, the key to which remains only with him.

Betrayal is an opportunity to leave the parental nest

Do you want to live with your parents all your life and take care of their well-being around the clock? Who gave birth to whom and for what purposes? Isn’t caring ever sincere and selfless, and you always have to pay for it? If you don’t want to betray your loved ones even for a second, then you will have to give them your life. Those. betray yourself. And teach similar behavior to your children. Since you were unhappy, then I will be unhappy with you. Let's create even more unhappy and responsible citizens on this planet, and the world will become a better place... If even one child is starving in Africa, we have no right to our own happiness. Even for a minute.

Why do we get stuck in grievances?

People with an anal vector are naturally endowed with excellent memory, as well as a desire to often return to situations from the past. These qualities are given to anal people by nature so that they can fully realize their abilities in society, that is, accumulate the experience of the past and pass it on to the future generation. Otherwise, we would reinvent the wheel every time, instead of developing further. Therefore, it is from anal people that real experts in their field, teachers and professors emerge.

However, when these properties of memory are used for personal purposes, they also sink anal people on their own ship of grievances, not allowing them to forget and forgive the situations of bygone days.

Is it possible to forgive and let go?

Resentment is the most severe destructive state of the psyche. It negatively affects the entire life scenario, and also inhibits development in all areas of human activity. It takes away vitality and the opportunity to enjoy life, meaningless and destroying everything in its path. A person constantly experiences a feeling of deprivation and is afraid of failure.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives us the key to the doors of the psyche, to understanding the cause-and-effect relationships of our own resentment, makes it possible to see its root and thereby get rid of the painful consequences. We have a technique that allows us to deal with the “anchors” that are deeply stuck at the bottom of our unconscious.

People who mastered the method of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan got rid of the most severe grievances that had been destroying their lives for a long time. They gained the opportunity to enjoy life every day, creating new trusting relationships with the people around them.

“...I realized what made me be like this, I understood myself, I learned to understand others. It’s difficult to put into words, but I now have a state of “no offense” at all. After the feeling of deprivation went away, came the inability to be offended in principle by people. It’s absolutely impossible to offend me!
How? How to do it? How can I now be offended by someone if I perfectly understand what motivates this person? How can I be offended by him because he feels bad and he tries to pour out his “badness” on me. He doesn’t know how to do it any other way... Living without resentment is a huge achievement and relief for me. It was as if hundreds of kilos had fallen off my poor neck. This is an incredible feeling..." Anna M., Tver

“...Life has become much more joyful and easier. Still would! I realized the reasons for the behavior of my ex-husband and father. Understanding these reasons, I stopped being offended and hating them. The fear of divorce disappeared and the decision came by itself - I didn’t have to go to him, we were getting a divorce through the court, without my presence. Without offense, it became much easier to react to those who were offended. It's a relief when the grudges fade and only good memories remain. I realized that there were good moments with these people. I felt grateful for the experience. How good it is to live without offense!!! » Victoria P., teacher-organizer and tutor, Podlesnoe

Start getting rid of grievances and correcting your life scenario for the better already at the free online training on Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register using the link right now:

Author: Anna Mima

The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”

Lies, Betrayal and Treason come together

Love

When Lie was very little, she thought that she was the same as everyone else. That nothing distinguishes her from little Pravda, who lived across the street.

Lie did not understand why her parents quarreled so often, reproached each other for something and disliked all their neighbors. Everyone except the residents of house number 6, where two lonely ladies lived - Frivolity and Cunning. At first glance, one could not think that they were relatives: the first was a sociable, smiling and very beautiful lady, and the second was a reserved, nervous, insecure person, whose beauty, as they say, was not an acquired taste: some men avoided her, and she attracted others, weak in spirit, to her. But they were sisters. The life of Lie's neighbors turned out in a strange way: fate did not give any of them true love, but from Frivolity's numerous connections she gave birth to two daughters - Betrayal and Treason.

They were as similar as two peas in a pod, they had common interests and the same abilities, everyone knew them, as they often met them on the street, especially with Betrayal. Treason usually stayed at home and did not like to appear in public. The children in the yard were not friends with the girls, since they did not know how to play children's games, they often offended others, beat them painfully and pinched them. Only little Lie spoke the same language with them, only she understood the girls. So they grew up together, often went to visit each other and played their own games, understandable only to them.

Lie grew up and got married, she was always looking for just such a person as Naivety. They suited each other and could not part for a minute. Lies loved Naivety very much and took his last name, from now on they were the family of Deception. Naivety, like no one else, understood the Lie, believed it and trusted it, until the Truth looked into their house - that same happy neighbor from the house opposite. Truth felt hurt that no one loved her, and Deception’s family didn’t know her at all; as a sign of friendship, she brought Sincerity, a small white puppy with big eyes, into their house. Naivety fell in love with little Sincerity and began to pay a lot of attention to her. Love for Sincerity changed him, and he began to need Truth. And later Naivety parted with Lies.

Since then, Truth has bypassed Lie and her friends; nothing binds them except love for Naivety, who will always remember Lie, because she cannot be forgotten. Left alone, Lie destroyed everything she had, and even the house in which she lived with Naivety. She moved to Betrayal and Treason, and they became “one”: where Lie appears, Betrayal and Treason appear.

Since then, nothing has changed - Lies, Betrayal and Treason are alive, although not very healthy. They love to travel and move, often visiting people who are close in spirit. They never move separately, so if you do not accept Lies, then Betrayal and Treason will never come to your home...

Elina DELIANIDI

Three sisters / Newspaper “Stavropolskaya Pravda” / December 9, 2009