Jokes about friends
As they say in the old children's song, “friendship is strong, it will not break, it will not fall apart from rains and blizzards.” And indeed it is. Good friends are open to each other and never think about betrayal. However, this does not stop them from getting into funny situations. Anecdotes about friends can bring anyone who values such a concept as “friendship” to crocodile tears.
People with a good sense of humor ideally become the center of attraction for others. Our collection of jokes will help you become such a person. Replenish your stock of jokes with new funny stories from the lives of ordinary people.
Funny quotes about friendship
Strong true friendship is what every person dreams of. There is nothing surprising in this, because having a faithful comrade nearby, capable of supporting you in deeds and words, ready to lend a shoulder in difficult times, is more valuable than gold.
Do you want to remind your loved ones about this? Do you want to please your friend? His lips will definitely stretch into a wide and sincere smile if you use funny quotes about friendship, meaningful sayings, short but original sayings.
When we meet with friends, we become those whom our parents told us to stay away from!
Friendship is if we mess up, then together.
The law of friendship: you may not be delighted, but you still have to like it.
Girlfriend is a news service, a liquor store and a psychological support center.
Remember! A phone number accidentally left among friends automatically becomes unlimited.
Friends are people who will remind you of your mistakes all your life and make fun of them!
Friendship is when stupid ideas come to two heads at the same time...
For establishing friendly relations, a bottle of agreement is much more effective than a peace pipe.
About my best friend
- How are you, buddy, how is your wife feeling? Still fighting you? - No, thank God it’s all over. My best friend kidnapped her. - Best friend? Who is this? “I don’t know, but anyway, he’s my best friend now.”
He and I are best friends. He knows so much about me: at least two life sentences and one divorce. If you unexpectedly returned from work and for some reason found your best friend at your home. He is embarrassed, and his wife is flushed, in a robe and without tights, rest assured, she is also without panties. The best friend is a cat. He will never say “Why do you eat at night? “. He will eat with you! If your best friend stole your girlfriend, don’t swear, in a few years you will understand and appreciate his noble deed.
About meeting friends
Two friends meet. One asks: “Why did you quarrel with your girlfriend?” — We rode the tram yesterday. I breathed on the glass and wrote her name. - Well, what's wrong with that? - Yes, you understand, she doesn’t like it when people breathe on her glasses.
— Two friends meet: — Listen, Vaska has a golden toilet! - Can't be! - Come and see for yourself. - They come to Vaska. The mother opens the door and shouts to her son: “Vasenka, friends came to see you who shitted on the saxophone yesterday!” Two friends meet: - Sanya, of course, your friend is a terrible woman, there are no words, but she flies in one ear, out the other... - Not true! Sound does not travel in a vacuum!
One friend asks another: “Hello, long time no see, how are you, how are you getting settled?” - Yes, everything is just super, I’m working - there are 5,000 people below me. - For fuck's sake, have you become the director of the plant? - No, just a watchman at the cemetery...
Two friends, dog handlers and dog handlers, meet on the street. One asks the other: “Listen, does your dog follow all commands?” - Well, of course. - But I don’t listen at all. I tell her: “Bring some slippers,” and she goes into the kitchen to cook borscht. Two friends meet. One to another: “Can you imagine, one of my friends turned out to be a vampire!” - How did you know??? “And I drove an aspen stake into his heart, and he died.” Two friends meet. One boasts: “I bought myself such a cool car... now I drive, no one stops me, I park everywhere for free, and what’s more, as soon as I drive up, they immediately give up space... The second: “What are you doing?” Saved up for a Bugatti? - No... - What then? — I bought a tow truck... Two friends are meeting, they haven’t seen each other for a long time. - What are you doing now? Yes, I put millions of people in various poses. - What, do you work for the government? No, I do my morning exercises on the radio.
— A friend gave me a book to read about Russia under Ivan the Terrible. About the cruel tortures and executions of that time. — He’s probably interested in history? - No. I owe him two bucks...
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Two friends meet. - Vasya! Would you like some vodka? - You know, I always don’t mind. But yesterday I got so drunk, so drunk, that today I don’t want vodka at all! - Maybe I should give you a cigarette? - I actually smoke a lot, but yesterday I smoked so much that today I don’t want to smoke at all! - Do you want me to fuck you in the ass? - Are you crazy? I don't want to, of course! - Yes, you had a busy day yesterday...
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- ABOUT! Guys! I figured it out. Let's play the game Broken Phone. - Let's! Khrya!... - Bitch, you broke my phone!
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- Does everyone want beer? - Yes!!! - Well, as the sick and ugly Spartan boys said, “let's chip in.”
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— I need urgent psychological rehabilitation. - Already poured it. - You are a true friend!
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Dialogue on the street: - Great, Sanya! I haven't seen you for a hundred years. How are you? Listen, you grew so tall, lost weight, went bald, started wearing glasses... - But my name is not Sanya! - Huyase, did you even change your name?
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Two friends are walking down the street: “I really wanted to go to the toilet!” - Will you make it home? - What are you talking about, mine isn’t that long!
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Two friends meet, haven't seen each other for a long time. - What are you doing now? - Yes, I put millions of people in various poses. - What, do you work for the government? — No, I do my morning exercises on the radio.
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- You can't buy friends. — I can buy a dog. And this friend will be more faithful than you.
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— Yesterday I sent a text message to my friends: “I can’t find my phone, call it. THX." Almost everyone called back. From which I concluded that I do not have the smartest friends. - Did you find the phone? - This confirms my theory...
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- Doctor, my wife has red hair growing in a piquant place. - So what, does this bother you? - No, but my friends laugh.
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- Oh, hello, old friend! Haven't seen you since school! What are you doing? “Here, I want to fry some cutlets for myself.” - Wait... We haven't seen each other for 10 years! What cutlets?! - Beef.
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A drunk friend calls his friend's wife: - Hello! - Hello, this is Vasya. Victor, maybe? - Fuck you! - When will he return?
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- Crap! It turns out that what kind of friends I have - who the hell do you give the cat to? When you go on vacation, everyone refuses! - It turns out that a friend is recognized in a cat...
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- Friend, I'm getting married! - Fool! Give me at least one reason why she? Name her best quality, emphasizing her uniqueness, intelligence, brightness! Can!? - She doesn’t watch “House 2”! - Get married!
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— By the way, I noticed that I don’t have any normal friends at all. All my friends are crazy. - And I? - And you top the list.
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- Tell me, are you my friend? - Judging by the SMS I received on my birthday, my friends, this is a bank and a cellular company!
About a henpecked friend
Two henpecked friends meet. One to the other: - Yesterday I sent mine to xer! - Come on ! Nevermind. Like this? - Yes, think about it, this one comes up...: 'Go throw out the trash.' - And you? - And I said to her: “Fuck you!” I haven't finished it yet...
My wife told me to come and explain to my friends that I am not henpecked! - You are henpecked! - Well, so what, but my wife likes it! Conversation between two friends: - I haven’t talked to my wife since the wedding. - Did you quarrel? - I don’t want to interrupt her. Two friends are talking. – Are you for or against men and women having equal rights? – I’m in favor with both hands. You know, I’m so tired of obeying my wife... Two friends are talking: “Can you imagine, I was offered to become president of the Society of Henpecked Husbands.” - Did you agree? - No, my wife didn’t allow it. - I'm not henpecked! My wife even allows me to meet with friends - every Saturday, which falls on February 29th. Only pathetic henpecked people listen! the guy himself knows when not to go drinking with friends and when to wash the dishes, right?
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Short jokes about friends
If you want to make a short and succinct joke, you can use the following joke options:
When my friend wants to divert attention from a hole in his socks, he sets someone's house on fire;
It doesn't matter what interests your friend has. The main thing is that your schizophrenia proceeds in the same way;
The Ministry of Internal Affairs noticed the transfer of a large batch of drugs. It turned out that it was me who gave chewing gum to a friend in company;
Ocean had 11 friends. I have the same amount, though 10 less;
My friend looks like a dick. I mean, he gets up when he sees a lady;
Finally, I found a good friend, an imaginary one, but a good one;
When an office worker is unfriended, he collects his likes in a box and proudly walks away.
Jokes about friendship between a guy and a girl
No jokes about friends can do without the theme of friendship between the sexes. Many people argue about this in comments and chats. But the best way to resolve a dispute is humor.
Do you want to fuck your friend? Make sure he's a girl! If he is not a girl, then... most likely you are a girl.
There is no female friendship, there is no friendship between a guy and a girl. What should I believe in then!? In Santa Claus Fuck!
Friendship between a guy and a girl is like life on Mars. Found only in movies;
When I said that I believe in friendship between a guy and a girl, I was accused of sectarianism;
In the East, the death penalty was replaced with harsher sentences, which is called “You are just a friend to me”;
Friendship between a man and a woman is when one waits patiently until the other gets drunk;
She is just a friend to me and only the night, the beach and an erection can refute this.
Funny jokes about friends
And a few more growth, but funny jokes about friends. You don't have to copy or write them down. After all, by analogy, you can come up with something of your own, something that is suitable for a specific situation.
Normal friends are like stew. Shelf-life Unlimited;
When I learn the statuses of my friends, I will become a certified psychiatrist;
Don’t have 100 rubles, but have 100 friends - the new economic program of the Russian Federation;
I can tell my best friend everything I think about him. True, only when my injury is on edge;
A friend's wedding is a sacrifice made so that you can eat properly at least once;
Friends cannot get married, but they can talk drunkenly about politics, which is quite the same thing.
Funny jokes and jokes about friends
- Damn, my arm is already tired! - You can’t even imagine what an ambiguous phrase this is.. - No, you didn’t understand everything correctly.. I was just helping a friend.. - You’re just making fun of my imagination!
- Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are! — My friend is a Colonel General of the FSB. - Lucky! Two friends: - Tolyan, I’m getting married! - Cool! Let's walk at the wedding! On whom? - Well, what about who? Who have I been friends with almost since first grade? - Sanya, don’t blame me, but my parents will be against it... What to do if you don’t have a friend? Answer from the 4-year-old nephew: - You need to make a trap for your friend and tie his legs so that he doesn’t run away. To stop crying, give me a cookie. A friend comes to a friend’s dacha and sits down to dinner: “Do you want a clean plate or a washed one?” - Of course, clean. After eating a little, he asks: “What’s the difference?” “I washed the washed one myself, but the clean one was licked by the cat.” - What should I bring you? - I'll have a latte macchiato. — And I’ll have a mojito with ice. — I’d like an apple smoothie. “And I’ll have a beer and three damn new friends, please.” Two friends take pictures on the phone: - Eww, what a face!!! - Look at mine!!! - And I was looking at yours. Two friends are talking: - Sorry friend, I slept with your wife. - It's okay, I sleep with her every night. Friends ordered seven call girls for a friend's birthday. Marked excellent. The next day is the “debriefing” stage. The satisfied birthday boy thanks: “Yes, thank you, everything was great, only I could only manage five, but I was pretty drunk.” But if I had been sober, then, of course, I would have been able to do more... - You know, if you were sober... YOU WOULDN’T HAVE ANY OF THEM!!!...
A patient comes to a psychotherapist: “Doctor, I have no friends at all.” Maybe you can at least help me, you fat old man?
— My friend keeps a hamster in a jar. - Well, what's wrong with that? - Just imagine: pickle, cucumbers, tomatoes and a hamster! A guy is sitting on a bench. - Pfft! Ppts!. A friend comes up and asks: “What happened?” The guy replies: - Sit down, I’ll tell you... The friend sat down: - In short, it turns out that the bench is painted. The social network offers possible friends: “You may know them.” Of course, I know them, that's why I don't add them. - Maaam, I’ll go for a walk with my friends. - Just come back sober. - OK. Then I will come in 2 days. A watchman calls his accountant friend on the local phone: - Hello! What are you doing there now? - Yes, as usual - reconciliation, summary... - Quickly kick Verka out and hide the vodka! The commission is coming to you! A friend is obsessed with puzzles. I decided to give him a Rubik's Cube. A couple of squares have come off. I glued it wrong. Tomorrow I'll go and check on him in the mental hospital. All my friends got married. Who will drink with me? Egoists! They only think about themselves. A friend calls: “Hello, Tanya, are you home?” - Yes! - Made up? - No! - Then come out quickly, otherwise some hooligans have become attached to me in the yard! Conversation between two friends: - Sometimes it seems to me that you are crazy. - Sometimes? - Yes sometimes. The rest of the time I have no doubt about it.
