The best ironic jokes about our retirement
My life is so sad, but my pension saves me! She's so funny...
Attention pensioners! The Skazka investment fund will increase your savings. Highly qualified professional storytellers are looking forward to welcoming you. Living in retirement is amazing if you know how to spend time without spending money. There are changes in the Pension Fund of the Russian Federation, the old head has left with all his savings, now citizens of the Russian Federation will have to save up their pension for the new head. When I read in the news that they had caught a maniac who was robbing old women, at first I thought that they had arrested the head of the Russian Pension Fund. - Previously, old people were taken to a high mountain and left there to die... - Will there be any more proposals for the pension fund? Mystical sensation: an official who did not take bribes retired by water. Work, blacks, the sun is still high! You have listened to a summary of the new pension reform project. — There were times when a thousand rubles seemed like a lot of money. — It’s okay, once you start receiving your pension, these times will return for you. Putin told the Russians that they now have a hypersonic missile capable of hitting America. And he didn’t say that Russians have salaries and pensions that could amaze America.
In Holland, non-smoking teenagers are paid 200 euros per month. This is 80 euros more than what a Russian pensioner receives after working all his life.
Soon there will be no pensioners left in Russia, well, maybe only a few pensioners... The Ice Age is to blame for the freezing of the funded part of pensions. Thanks to the pension reform, Russians will have a pension that they can only dream of. For a decent old age, I managed to store it only in subcutaneous fat. Did you know that after retirement you can already whistle in the house? One gets the impression that pensioners are partisans who are waging a guerrilla war for survival against their state. The pension fund is the largest financial pyramid. Everyone invests money, but only the survivors receive it! The State Duma is considering a bill to replace pension savings with a certificate of honor. The longer you live, the more convinced you are that pension comes from the word penis.
Funny statuses about retirement
Lifehack for the government. The pension reform should be developed by an ordinary employee with a white salary of 25 tr, who will retire in three years.
– We decided to hold the World Hockey Championship here. How do you think. – Will it be expensive? - No. Not very expensive. Approximately, plus two months to the retirement age.
If the Pension Fund's money is invested in Chubais' Rusnano, pensioners will have modern, innovative nanopensions.
When the people suggested to the government “try to live on our pension,” this is not what they had in mind. But the government liked the people’s proposal and they will live on 1.5 trillion rubles a year.
Gentlemen, let's unite and take revenge on the state with longevity in retirement!
For the country to prosper, two social reforms need to be carried out: 1. Raise the retirement age to 80 years. 2. Reduce the pregnancy period to 2 months.
It seems that now I know what I will do in retirement. Lying in the cemetery.
The slogan of pension reform in Russia is “Let’s shake up the old days.”
According to a closed Government Resolution, the income received during the implementation of the pension reform is planned to be spent on phased PR support of the said reform.
The police were able to establish that the inscription on the door of the city pension fund “Tsoi is alive” was made by pensioner Dmitry Aleksandrovich Tsoi, who had not received a pension for three months.
The head of the pension fund exhaled, drank a glass of vodka in one gulp and admitted that he had bet all the funds of the pension fund on Spain.
Work, blacks, the sun is still high! You have listened to a summary of the new pension reform project.
Previously, life began with retirement. And now we still have to live until retirement!
I always knew that I wouldn’t live to see retirement - but now I have a chance to live another 5 years!
I don’t mind working until I’m 70, but how can I explain this to my joints, heart and blood vessels?
At forty-five, Zinaida looks eighteen! Eighteen until retirement.
Police officers and military personnel in Russia live unacceptably short lives, judging by their retirement age.
Everyone thought that the pension was added to pay for food, but it turned out it was garbage.
At the request of radio listeners of the Russian Pension Fund for men born 1959−1963 and for women born 1964−1971, we broadcast the song “You Can’t Catch Up with Us.”
Oh, I don’t like all this talk about increasing the retirement age... I would like to rest while I’m still alive!
The retirement age will now be raised regularly, every 6 years, by 6 years...
The government INVENTED to use some kind of POINTS to calculate PENSIONS... I feel, AGAIN, some kind of point...
Over time, the dream of eternal youth turns into a dream of eternal retirement.
Let's retire! When I get old, I’ll work it out!
Living in retirement would be great if you knew how to spend time without spending money.
In the pioneers, grandfather Pakhom collected scrap metal. And in retirement, He sells beer cans from the landfill.
– When I retire... I’ll finish my second book. - Oh, are you writing?? - No, I’m reading...
In a kindergarten, six-year-olds had a lesson on the topic: “What is a pension”... One kid said: “Pension is when old people cry.” As they say, through the mouth of a baby...
In the morning, a pensioner gets up and has nothing to do; in the evening he goes to bed, and half of it is not done yet.
New chant: A hundred-year pension is the key to big football victories!
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Jokes about retirement age
To the question “What have you achieved in life?” An American pensioner answers “prosperity,” a Chinese pensioner answers “many children and grandchildren,” and a Russian pensioner answers “retirement age.”
They don't hire you because you're old. They don’t give a pension because they are young... The Pension Fund turned to Roskomnadzor with a request to slow down the aging of Russians. I want those who raised the retirement age to be driven by a 65-year-old driver after a mini-stroke, and to have an IV inserted into a vein by a 63-year-old blind nurse. The National Guard member is retiring, but his parents are not yet! With the law on raising the retirement age, deputies and government members came out on top, leaving football players and traffic cops far behind. If the retirement age is raised by five years, then I won’t live to see retirement for five more years. Russian, remember! By taking care of your health, you put the Pension Fund in a difficult position. “I see you’ve taken charge of yourself, quit smoking, run in the mornings... Have you decided to live until retirement?” Raising the retirement age. So many words instead of one phrase: we don’t have money for you, die at work.
Phrases and expressions about pensions - short
Everyone thought that the pension was added to pay for food, but it turned out it was garbage.
At the request of radio listeners of the Russian Pension Fund for men born 1959−1963 and for women born 1964−1971, we broadcast the song “You Can’t Catch Up with Us.”
Oh, I don’t like all this talk about increasing the retirement age... I would like to rest while I’m still alive!
The retirement age will now be raised regularly, every 6 years, by 6 years...
The government INVENTED to use some kind of POINTS to calculate PENSIONS... I feel, AGAIN, some kind of point...
Over time, the dream of eternal youth turns into a dream of eternal retirement.
Let's retire! When I get old, I’ll work it out!
Living in retirement would be great if you knew how to spend time without spending money.
In the morning, a pensioner gets up and has nothing to do; in the evening he goes to bed, and half of it is not done yet.
New chant: A hundred-year pension is the key to big football victories!
If you change gender when you reach 55, you can retire 5 years earlier.
A short life is the key to a prosperous pension fund
Living on pension is good, living on pension is bad.
Well, did they finish it off, saying, “I still won’t live to see retirement”? Now, because of people like you, no one will live!
World Retirement Championships 2021.
At the hospital: Grandfather, don’t worry, we will definitely cure you. You will live to see retirement.
Pension cart of roses.
New government pension reform. Absolutely everyone is losing weight!
Living on pension is good, living on pension is bad.
An unlucky thief stole my grandmother's pension and could not live on it.
Posthumous fame is, of course, good, but a lifetime pension is not bad either.
Before you decide to retire, try spending a week at home watching daytime television.
Live fast. Die Young. Russian Pension Fund.
Pensioner: a person who thought that he would fish seven times a week, but in fact washes the dishes with his own hands three times a day.
What kind of health do you need to have in order to get a disability pension!!!
Just as you can’t take a word out of a song, you can’t take a penny out of a pension...
My husband retired. Now I have twice as much as my husband and half as much money.
Pension - holidays for the elderly.
It is impossible to love the state on one pension.
A person who is paid not to work is called a pensioner.
Retirement: rest forced on you when all you can do is work.
Labor created man from a monkey. This law is valid only until retirement. After retirement, the reverse process occurs.
The dream of our state is an absolutely healthy, rich citizen who always paid taxes and died on the day of retirement.
Pence and Me are all that remains after work experience.
Why do women live longer and retire earlier? So they live longer because they retire earlier!..
Retire with things!
The garbage chute is a farewell to a policeman's retirement
Whether you got it right or not with your wife, you will only find out when you retire.
Life in retirement is when you spend the day thinking about what to watch on TV in the evening so that you have something to remember in the morning.
It was in the past, in retirement, that senile insanity awaited us... Now, in the era of the Internet, social networks await us...
To the question “What have you achieved in life?” An American pensioner answers “prosperity”, a Chinese pensioner – “many children and grandchildren”, and a Russian pensioner – “of retirement age”...
Retirement is the swan song of salary.
When a person retires and can afford not to keep track of time, his colleagues give him a watch.
State pension - short-term monetary compensation for many years of hired work
This year the pension reached the subsistence level! Why do people who live on a subsistence level set us a subsistence minimum?
Pensioners are the most valuable asset the state has.
By retirement, income tax is replaced by income tax...
There is now enough money for high salaries and pensions. Not enough for lows yet.
Previously, life began with retirement. And now we still have to live until retirement!
Russian, remember: by improving the statistics of average life expectancy, you are putting the Pension Fund in a difficult position!
Sentenced to the highest measure of social protection - a state pension.
The benefit of the state is that all citizens pay into the pension fund, but do not live to see retirement...
I was given a personal kick-off for my well-deserved retirement.
In retirement, a person finally has enough time to sit and criticize the government.
You can live like a human being on a monthly Russian pension for a whole week.
Youth passes so quickly that you don’t have time to get your pension in time.
The latest pension reform has not brought results - the number of pensioners in the country still remains very high.
Many retired husbands provided full-time employment for their wives.
The state pays old people a “huge pension plus benefits”, and they can’t live on it... If you don’t work at this time...
To receive a decent pension in old age, you need to vote correctly when you are young.
It takes a lot of work to live on retirement.
The retirement of spouses affects the family climate in different ways: good relationships improve, bad relationships become even worse.
A funny pension from a funny salary - what else is needed to joyfully meet old age.
Retirement is a rest before eternal rest.
But someday social security services and clinics will be filled with pensioners with the names Angela, Kristina and Snezhana..
In retirement you can do whatever you want, but a person wants to do something else.
A pension in Russia is a reward for the ability to survive in inhuman conditions.
Finally a pension, finally I will sit at home, drink kombucha, watch a “distorting mirror” and get up, I don’t understand why,... at 6 in the morning.
Undeserving people get a decent pension.
Our pensions are rising with difficulty; but the incomes of officials are growing by leaps and bounds...
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Jokes about pensions and pensioners are funny to tears
— Why did you cancel pensions, but not contributions to the Pension Fund? “We were amazed how random it all was, but it turned out great!”
The doctor asks the pensioner: “How often do you go to the toilet?” - Well, about once every two weeks. - Why so rarely? — Yes, it often doesn’t work out with my pension. It has finally become clear who writes “Tsoi is alive” on the doors of the Pension Fund. This is done by a pensioner, Ivan Ivanovich Tsoi, who has not been paid a pension for three months now. - Hello! This is a sociological survey. Please tell me how you managed your future pension? - Well.. I donated the funded part of the pension for the construction of Olympic facilities in Sochi and the restoration of Syria, and the social part - for improving the well-being of United Russia officials... - Hmm.. What an unusual choice! Tell me, why exactly is this so? - Because no one asked me! The government has been freezing citizens’ pension savings for so many years that I’m almost sure that at some point they will say, sorry, we defrosted it, sniffed it, everything went bad, we threw it away. Two old women are talking on a park bench: “You know, I don’t eat red meat anymore.” - What, high blood pressure? - No, the pension is low.
In the morning the shop manager comes to work. He asks the guard in passing: “Is everything calm?” The guard is horrified: - What are you talking about! At midnight, the lights in the workshop turned on and the machines started working. And so on until dawn. The boss smiled: “Calm down, this is our turner Petrovich.” - So he died a year ago. - So what? He still has 2 more years to work until he retires!
Check it out: Flea Jokes
One man was asked: “Why do you spend so much money on the lottery every month? After all, the chance of winning is very slim?” To which the man replies: “I also contribute a lot of money from my salary every month to my future pension, but there is at least some chance of winning the lottery!” The whole “beauty” of the pension reform is that a 60-year-old man in the eyes of the government is a healthy, strong, active alpha male. But in the eyes of the employer, he is a sick, decrepit, boring old man. — So, what practical proposals will there be for pension reform? — Isn’t it time to introduce strict punishment for articles, likes and reposts concerning the discussion of the size of pensions in foreign countries? — Did slaves in Egypt receive a pension? - No. - And in Rome? - Also no. - Here! Now you see that in matters of pension reform we are guided by foreign experience. A pensioner says to a pensioner: “Here I am 75 years old, and I feel like a student.” - What, are you attracted to girls? - No, there’s not enough money for food. British scientists successfully developed and tested a cure for old age on mice: not a single mouse lived to old age. Employees of the Russian Pension Fund were very interested in the product. — When I retire, I will do absolutely nothing. The first months I will just sit in a rocking chair. - And then? “And then I’ll start swinging.” 9th May. Parade. Pension is moving into the square! Behind it comes a salary! A little behind is money for the treatment of children with cancer and tuberculosis. Grants for science and scholarships for gifted students are flying over Moscow in battle formation... Pride embraces all Russians!
When thinking about retirement living, most people tend to focus on the financial side of things.
They may be concerned about whether they have enough money to live on in retirement.
I want to reassure you: people often overestimate the amount they estimate they will need when they become pensioners.
Various studies have shown that as people age, they begin to spend less money. Perhaps as you get your financial affairs in order for retirement, you'll begin to wonder if there's life in retirement.
Here again I can reassure you. Having earned yourself a pension, you can quit your boring, uninteresting job and find another job at home, much more interesting, although perhaps not so highly paid.
Then your life as a pensioner will become much more interesting, rich and joyful than before, when you worked hard and earned a lot.
Indeed, many people who are planning to retire soon are going to find some new job, mainly work from home (for example, remote work on the Internet) in order to fully enjoy the life of a retiree.
A survey conducted by American showed,
- that 57% of future retirees aged 50-60 years intend to find a job that will bring them pleasure upon retirement.
Approximately 70% of women and 48% of men want to find a job in retirement that will give meaning to their lives.
On average, 60% of future retirees surveyed said they would like to find fulfilling work in retirement in the nonprofit sector or social work.
A similar survey, also conducted by the American company, revealed that 76% of future retirees intend to work in retirement, one way or another.
Many people want to try their hand at retirement even at several jobs. One of the respondents said: “When I retire, I would like to travel, but I would also like to work part-time - not at my current job, but somewhere else where it is easier and more enjoyable to work!”
Obviously, if we conduct a similar survey among people of pre-retirement age in our country, the picture will be basically similar.
Clearly, for those stuck in a job they don't love, early retirement offers the opportunity to find a new career that will add joy and meaning to retirement.
I can say for myself that this is indeed the case.
Another opportunity for wealthy retirees is to open their own business upon retirement.
Boredom is one of the main reasons why wealthy Western retirees open their own businesses. Some retirees work as consultants, while others turn their hobby into a business. Still others buy a franchise. All these activities can bring them real success in the absence of office slavery.
Here it is important to discover your strengths and interests in time, and then, based on this information, draw up a rough plan for the last third of your life in retirement.
For retirees who have found their calling, retirement often turns out to be just a formality, because they continue to work - albeit at their “job”, choosing the schedule that is most convenient for them.
Leaving a traditional job for someone else and starting to work for yourself can make your retirement easier by ensuring a smooth transition to a new retirement lifestyle and income level.
Many future retirees will work more for fun than for money, and most of these people are planning to completely change their occupation.
If you, too, belong to this category of future retirees and are considering whether to retire early, you probably enjoy daydreaming about how you will spend your carefree retirement days.
However, turning these dreams into reality may not be easy, especially if you don't have an overall goal.
Many studies have proven that pensioners who do not have a life goal often feel useless and unfit for anything while living in retirement and sometimes become depressed.
Scientists from Cornell University conducted a survey of men and women retirees (pensioners in this case were those who receive or are entitled to receive an old-age pension, or a pension from a company, or both).
Scientists have concluded that male retirees, regardless of age, income level and health status, have a more optimistic outlook on life and are less prone to depression if they find a new career in retirement.
Among those men who have retired and do nothing else, depression is much more common, and their mood is not at all as cheerful. As for retired women, they usually have a bad mood and depression if they themselves have retired and are sitting at home, but their husbands are not.
Some retirees (future and present) are lucky - the work to which they dedicated their lives is their favorite thing.
So they can, upon retirement, continue to work part-time in their own specialty. They won't have to search for their calling. Unfortunately, this cannot be said about many retirees and future retirees.
If they are unable to find their place in life after retirement, my advice to them is to choose a job that they will enjoy. Work that brings pleasure is often also called work for the sake of interest.
Advises future retirees: “When you retire, you need to go towards something, not away from something. Don’t run away from work—find a job that will improve your quality of life.”
Overall, if you intend to work in retirement, the job you choose should be much more important to you than the money it brings in.
If you need an increase in your pension, you will have to work hard and think about everything to find a part-time job that brings both money and pleasure.
On the other hand, if you are well off and you don’t have to work, you can agree to a low-paid job, as long as it brings you satisfaction and joy.
Working for the sake of interest, we really do what interests us and do not pay attention to the opinions of others. We can take on a less prestigious job than the one we worked in before retirement.
You too may be making the transition from “I have to work” to “I work for fun,” especially if you've been a financial planner and have some money saved for retirement.
Having mastered a suitable job for the sake of interest, you can, while living in retirement, do something pleasant in a place convenient for you and at a time convenient for you.
The beauty of retirement living this way is that you don't have to work all year and can work as long as you want.
Like us, for example, in the summer at the dacha with our grandchildren, and in the cold, slushy winter in warmer climes by the sea under a palm tree.
If your job before retirement was hard and boring, working for fun in retirement will bring you happiness and satisfaction that you never thought possible.
Indeed, working for fun and retiring after your full-time career means getting the best from both stages of life: work and retirement.
You'll have more free time and enjoy your work—the surest way to enjoy life in retirement.
Your quality of life in retirement will improve because you will have more leisure time while still having all the benefits that work brings.
With such life planning, you will be able to try different types of activities in retirement and eventually find a job that will fully correspond to your calling.
It's never too late to start a new career, including in retirement, especially if you do it out of interest.
If you have any questions about the violation of your rights, or you find yourself in a difficult life situation, then an online duty lawyer is ready to advise you on this issue for free.
PLANNING LIFE IN PENSION
Jokes about retired organs
Human bodies came to the district social security office to receive a pension. They are sitting in line. The heart says: “They’ll probably assign me 200 percent, because I’m the most important organ.” The stomach says: “I am the most important organ, I nourished the whole body, they should give me the most.” “Male Dignity” wrinkled all over, drooped and thought: “But they probably won’t prescribe anything for me, after all, I’ve lived my whole life in pleasure.” After a while, the heart comes out of the office upset: “They assigned only 75%, they said that I was just “distilling everything from empty to empty.” The stomach comes out: - They prescribed only 50%, they said that all my life I had been converting good things into crap. “Male Dignity” completely wilted, came in and a few minutes later ran out overjoyed: – 150%! For working at night, in a hot shop, and even upside down. The “lady charm” was delighted. She thinks: “But I put up with all this, so they’ll give me all 200.” After a while he comes out in bewilderment. Her organs ask: “Well, what?” - And they actually told me: - Why did you come? What pension? GET YOUR HAIR AND GO TO WORK!!!
There is a meeting of human organs. They decide who to retire. The liver protrudes: “They should send me into retirement—I’ve endured so much alcohol.” The heart takes the word: - Send me to retire, I work day and night and am very worn out. A voice from the audience: “If anyone is going to retire, it’s me.” - Who are you? Get up! – If I could get up, I wouldn’t ask to retire...
Anecdote about a retired military man
The colonel, who had served his entire life in the army, retired... he thought and thought, there wasn’t enough money... he decided to go learn another profession... he thought and thought again about what he had been drawn to all his life and decided to take a gynecologist course... He completed the course for six months and comes to the final exam, the exam is taken by a real professor - pince-nez glasses, a wedge beard, a kind and intelligent look... - Hello, Colonel, now we will check how much you have mastered the subject... Question one - how do you feel? Can you imagine the external structure of the female genital organs? – Professor, it’s like a Mosin rifle... – That is? - Elementary - longitudinal groove, transverse groove, pubis and hairline... - Hmm... right... Second question - how do you imagine the internal structure of the female genital organs? – Professor, it’s like a Mosin rifle... – That is? - Elementary - two lips, two pipes, an inlet and an ejector... - Hmm... right... We will assume that you passed the exam... but, Colonel, allow me, in the light of this concept of yours, to highlight one more question? - Of course, professor... - Can you immediately get into a woman’s right hole? – Professor, it’s like a Mosin rifle... – That is? - It’s elementary - you catch a woman, put her on all fours in a corner, take out an oil can from the back right pocket, drop 1 drop of oil on the spine, accompany the drop with the thumb of your right hand until the second control click, then send it...
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