Should you trust a person caught in a lie: the opinion of psychologists (and how to teach a lesson to a liar)

The same rake, side view: how to trust someone who once deceived October 12, 2012, 00:00 | Lipa Moskvicheva

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It happens that a person let you down, did not justify your trust, offended you, hurt you, but later repented and apologized. And you even seemed to accept them, tried to forgive them. But - as in the joke about spoons - the sediment remained. Maria Pugacheva, will tell us how to restore peace within ourselves, not to wait for a trick from a person, to “test” him, if necessary .

“The situation here is quite simple,” says Maria Pugacheva, “if you were deceived once, you should think about it, if you were deceived a second time, you will most likely continue to be deceived . This person should be trusted with great caution. We need to act accordingly.”

Having lied once

When someone close to you lied about something or did something wrong, you should be on guard for some time. Even if he repents with all his heart. This is your complete right, because to some extent you were a victim and now, according to all the laws of nature, you must be careful and cautious.

But you shouldn't spend too much time on this. Take a closer look at this person’s behavior: what he talks about in detail, and when he holds back details, whether there are any omissions towards you or, conversely, he is actively trying to hide behind something.

“You should be wary when a person makes too many excuses. Most likely, this means that he “inherited” it somewhere, and is now covering up these traces,” suggests Maria Pugacheva.

For example, if he talks about many force majeure circumstances that suddenly and suddenly fell upon him: “I had to give a ride to the traffic cop’s wife when they wanted to evacuate me, and then my car broke down, and when she helped me push the car to the side of the road, she apparently dropped lipstick under the seat. And I bought condoms the day before by accident - instead of chewing gum.” He seems to be trying to appear as such a poor thing, he had to solve so many problems at once, his goal is to make the story as dramatic as possible in order to switch your attention from doubts to sympathy.

Second chance

If after some time you see that the person is behaving decently and conscientiously, your wariness will go away by itself. The main thing is to always know that if they want to deceive you in the same way , you will feel and understand everything, and there is no point in constantly following someone. As they say, “what is to be must be,” it is impossible to be Sherlock Holmes all the time, you just need to live, love, make friends and rejoice.

“But at the same time, understand: if you run into serious deception for the second time, you will most likely have to say goodbye to this person forever,” warns Maria Pugacheva. And the point is not to be “on guard” and not let yourself be deceived, but to have those people next to you whom you can trust , who do not strive and do not want to deceive you.

Have you been deceived on a big scale? How did you feel about it?

Lipa Moskvicheva , etoya.ru

Photo: girlishh.com, facebook.com, additudemag.com

Should you trust a deceiver?

Psychologists note that a liar pursues the so-called benefit of the deceiver. It suggests three options for achieving what you want. The deceiver wants:

1. Avoid punishment.
2. Get approval or material benefits.
3. Get rid of unnecessary problems.

To figure out whether you should trust such people, you need to delve deeply into the situation and understand what exactly motivates them, what consequences their behavior entails. And after that make a decision.

Here are three models of family relationships that will help you be objective.

Related materials:

deception | trust | friendships | romantic relationships | Communication | Psychology of behavior | psychologist's advice

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Adultery

The husband and wife lived together for many years, and there was a trusting relationship between them. But they were shaken when the wife found out about the betrayal of her other half. This situation suggests that deception is not a pattern in all cases. Perhaps here it is associated with a lack of attention or physical pleasure.

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Gambling

The spouse is a gambling person and often bets on sports. At the same time, he is rarely lucky, and he has large debts. Following each loss, he vows to improve. In this case, a person can only be trusted when he undergoes addiction rehabilitation of his own free will.

Experts emphasize that each situation requires an individual approach to make a decision about trust or distrust.

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Who is prone to lying?

Among people who are prone to deception, psychologists distinguish three types:

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1. Someone who wants to appear smarter than everyone else.
2. One who deceives for selfish reasons. Most of them are scammers.
3. Someone who is a pathological liar from birth, reaching great heights in deception, sometimes even believes in his own fables.

Next - about how to figure out that you are being deceived.

Psychology of deception

Those who deceive a lot try to seem like honest people.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Have you ever had to deceive someone?
At least for the little things? I'm sure I had to. And you are not alone in this - all people have deceived someone at some point, because it is impossible to live in our world without deception. Now try to remember - what did you feel at that moment, what emotions did you experience, what thoughts flowed through your head? Sometimes, these thoughts and feelings can be quite contradictory, right? Depending on your beliefs, you may, on the one hand, have a negative attitude towards deception, realizing that deceiving other people is not very good, and sometimes even completely bad - it is a sin. On the other hand, you understand that deception is necessary, that you cannot do without it in this life. And indeed it is. Deception is necessary. After all, this is one of the tools that, firstly, helps a person survive, and secondly, helps him achieve his goals. The psychology of deception, which will be discussed in this article, is the psychology of a person pursuing his own selfish goals and avoiding punishment for his misdeeds by deliberately misleading others. In this article you will learn about how people use deception for their own purposes, how to resist the deception of others and how to competently use this tool in everyday life. Let's first define what deception is. Deception is a deliberate distortion of reality in order to mislead other people for one’s own benefit or to protect against someone else’s aggression. In other words, it is an instrument of defense and attack, or, in other words, a means of protecting and realizing the interests of both an individual and groups, peoples, classes, states. You could even say that deception is a weapon of attack and defense. As for the difference between deception and lies, it is generally accepted, and I absolutely agree with this, that the main difference is that a lie can be unintentional, moderately harmless, accidental, insignificant and even forced, while deception is always intentional and usually more aggressive character, since he leaves no stone unturned from the truth. Therefore, we can say that deception is worse and more dangerous than lying, from the point of view of the consequences to which it can lead to the person being deceived. I also believe that deception is the product of a more developed intellect, while lying is less intellectual, it is more natural, more primitive, simpler, and therefore less harmless.

Thus, a person who deceives other people deliberately misleads them, and therefore is aware of what he is doing. What does it mean? This means that, regardless of motives and circumstances, a person who deceives other people shows aggression towards them, and those whom he deceives have the right to protect themselves from this deception by all means available to them. This, of course, is a conditional right, but it allows the one who is being deceived to deceive in return or to use other methods available to him to resist deception. Of course, people can deceive not only for the sake of achieving some selfish goals, but also for the purpose of protection, however, this does not change the situation much, since the protection may be such that many will suffer from it. Well, let's say, a lawyer can defend a criminal in court with the help of deception, which, in fact, happens in such cases, and thus he helps him avoid punishment for his crimes, which will inevitably lead to the repeated commission of similar crimes by this criminal. This means that deception used to protect a person will cause the spread of evil.

But despite all of the above, treating deception negatively and forcing other people to be honest is not only senseless, but also unnatural. Although, it is worth saying that it can lead to certain positive results. Only these results will be positive not for those who, with the help of certain suggestions, will be weaned from lying, and partially, because it is impossible to completely wean people from lying, but for those who, compared to such people, will turn out to be a good deceiver. After all, when you know how to deceive people, but those around you do not know how to do this, then you gain an advantage over them. It's like being smart among the stupid or strong among the weak. As I already said, deception is a tool, a weapon, a means by which people achieve their goals. This is the same weapon, the same means, the same instrument as force, physical force, with the help of which people from time immemorial have solved many of their problems and tasks. We cannot condemn people for using force when it suits them, and asking them not to do this is also stupid. Or rather, we can condemn many people, as well as ask other people for something, but there will be no sense in it. Force needs to be able to oppose another force that is equal to it or more sophisticated, and not criticize it, much less ask other people not to use their force against us. Likewise, we must oppose deception with either another deception, or another force, including physical or intellectual, depending on our capabilities. We need to be able to recognize the deception of other people and, without becoming a victim of it, respond to it with our own deception, or by exposing their deception, if it is beneficial to us. And complaining that other people do to you everything that you allow them to do to you is not serious. In this world, we can play any game and by any rules, but the one who is stronger will still win, regardless of what exactly this strength will be. So far, as you and I see, the strength of the mind significantly exceeds physical strength, therefore, it is this strength that we should develop in the first place. If, of course, we want to survive and achieve something significant in our lives. I hope that's what you want.

We all must understand that deception is not evil in its pure form - it is a tool. I prefer this word – tool. You need to be able to deceive - you need to learn this, and not only in order to deceive someone yourself, but also in order to be able to protect yourself from the deception of others. Intelligence, politics, business and of course war are all deception. And the one who best knows how to deceive people and at the same time knows how to defend himself from the deception of others is able to achieve success in all the most significant areas of life. In the same intelligence, it is important to be able to do two things - obtain information and spread disinformation. Moreover, the latter is often much more important than the former. Therefore, the ability to gracefully deceive your opponents is a vital skill for intelligence officers. Without it, there is nothing to do in intelligence, as in politics and business. Crystal honest people are not needed there. In business, no matter how wonderful and useful it is, there is always deception. Especially in big business. After all, competition in business is comparable to war, and in war, as we know, all means are fair. When playing business, it is very important to be able to not only deceive, both your partners and your clients, but also to do it competently, subtly, unnoticed, and ethically enough so that the deception is easily perceived by people and does not disgust them. It is important simply not to allow deception to cause great harm to people, then they will digest it. In general, friends, if you think about it like that, do people really need the truth? Well, you know, the kind of truth that is sobering? How many people do you know who want to know the truth about themselves and their lives, at least the truth that you see? I am sure that there are not many such people in your life, if any. Many people don’t need any truth, because they don’t know what to do with it. They need a beautiful fairy tale. In other words, deception, lies, untruths are not just an integral part of our life - they are a form of relationships between people necessary for its existence. Deception is in some cases an alternative to physical force. Many people prefer to be deceived rather than suppressed and used by force. By deceiving ourselves, we protect our inner world from external shocks.

Is it difficult to learn how to deceive other people? Yes, it's difficult. This is a whole art. It is easy to lie, it is enough to simply distort reality in any way that is available to you, but a lie is easier to recognize, since, as you remember, it is not presented in an intellectual wrapper that would make it true in the eyes of other people. Deception is superior to lying in that in order to deceive, you need to be able to do it, and not just want to. They can deceive you in such a way that all your life you will consider the deception to be the truth, while a crude, uncouth, crooked lie is often recognized and rejected by many people. Most often, illiterate people lie ineptly - managing to contradict themselves in one or two sentences, while deception can be presented as a whole theory, a whole concept, a whole story, to which a mosquito wouldn’t touch its nose. That’s why not all people use lies and deception to achieve the same results in life. Some achieve great success by deceiving people, while others have to pay severely for their deception. That is why it is appropriate to say: if you don’t know how to lie, don’t lie! Otherwise you will only make things worse for yourself. So you need to learn everything, including the ability to deceive other people and even yourself. In this world, any skill that makes a person stronger should be perfected. This is in the interests of each of us.

Is it possible to live in this world and never deceive anyone? Friends, when people mature to the point that they can interact with each other without using force in any of its forms to achieve their goals, when wars and other forms of violence stop, then I will say that you can live without deception. In the meantime, all areas of our life require us to always be able to present reality in a light favorable to ourselves, regardless of objectivity, in order to achieve some success. Deception is necessary as a weapon of defense and attack. At the same time, note that deception and lies are not total in nature, when people are deceived everywhere and in everything. We humans understand that we need to deceive in such a way as not to cause too much harm to other people, otherwise everything that we call civilization will simply collapse. But at the same time, deception is everywhere and in everything. It’s just that in some places there is more of it, and in others there is less. Let's say in war, the more deception, the better, the higher the chances of winning the war. But in the same business, although there is deception, when the same advertising promises us impossible miracles if we purchase this or that product, it still does not lead to the complete and one-sided use of customers by the business. That is, people get something for their money and often this something is quite enough for them to satisfy one or another of their needs. Thus, in our society, deception is used everywhere, but in most cases it is not abused, just as physical force is not abused to solve various kinds of issues. That's why we call our civilization a civilization, and not a wild jungle. In the civilized world, life is calmer, more comfortable, safer, more satisfying, more interesting, more promising, easier. But in order to maintain it in a civilized form, we must limit ourselves in many ways, including the desire to deceive other people in order to obtain one-sided benefits. In this sense, responsibility for what kind of world, what kind of society, what kind of culture we live in lies with each of us.

How should you treat people who deceive you and deception in general? First of all, be sure to calm down. You need to take deception calmly. Remember that no one is obliged to be crystal honest with you, not even your loved ones. And if you were taught from childhood that deceiving is bad, if you were taught never to do it, then, firstly, this does not mean that deceiving is really bad, since deception in our world is inevitable, the only question is who and how you will deceive, and for what purpose, and secondly, this does not mean that other people were taught the same thing. Other people, on the contrary, could be taught to deceive, and very skillfully. Therefore, if you are deceived, there is no need to think and talk about the fact that you were deceived, because in reality, you yourself allowed yourself to be deceived. Yes, yes - you need to blame yourself for this, not other people. It is from this side that we should approach deception. After all, if you think that someone else has deceived you, then you will shift responsibility for your inability to recognize deception and respond competently to it to another person, to other people. So what, in this case, will you begin to expect from these people that they will all become honest with you, just because you want it? You and I understand perfectly well that this will not happen. But you are quite capable of changing yourself if you think that you yourself allow yourself to be deceived by everyone who manages to do this. This will give you a reason to begin to understand the science of deception. You have to live somehow. After all, other people will not change their behavior for your sake; they think first of all about themselves. And if they know how to deceive people, they will use this skill. It's stupid to blame them for this. During my life, I have been convinced many times that any advantages that some people receive over others, be it the ability to lie or the ability to fight, or the presence of weapons, as well as a higher position in society, they use for their own benefit, that is, they abuse their advantages. A physically strong person will use his strength to subjugate other people, a deceiver will deceive for his own benefit, a person holding a certain position will abuse his position for personal gain. This is human nature, we must understand this. And understanding this, we must prepare for this if we do not want to be taken advantage of.

How to use deception for your own purposes? Firstly, you need to learn to deceive, even yourself, or other people. You need to not just lie, talking all sorts of nonsense, but beautifully and thoughtfully deceive, that is, tell such beautiful fairy tales that you want to believe in and that look logical. You can learn this - if you start fantasizing and making up stories that never happened, but in which you yourself must believe as true. The point is that until you learn to deceive yourself, you will not be able to deceive others beautifully. That is, you need to believe in your deception yourself, then other people will believe in it. Therefore, come up with fairy tales that can be reality under certain circumstances. Secondly, do not forget that once you start deceiving other people, you must be consistent, otherwise your deception will collapse. Take out the ax of war - fight! That is, go to the end if you begin to deceive yourself and others. A deception may well become true if everyone believes in it and if you do not destroy it yourself. Do not believe that the secret always becomes apparent - this is not so. Some secrets will never be revealed. Therefore, if you start to deceive, do not admit to deception. And thirdly, always remember the responsibility that you bear for your deception. Ethics is not an empty word; it is a very important aspect of our culture. And if it turns out that your deception brought a lot of harm to other people, then their suffering will not only weigh heavily on your conscience, but may also lead you to suffer severe punishment for your deception. Everything in this world has its own price, including deception, remember this. So before you deceive someone, consider all the pros and cons of this method of achieving your goals. Who knows, maybe you don’t need to deceive anyone in order to get something and achieve something. Maybe it’s enough for you to simply find common interests with other people and, together with them, come to the result you need. And by deceiving other people, you risk forever undermining their trust in you. After all, deception often causes more harm than good.

Well, finally, I will say that the psychology of deception does not apply to some special people who are more prone to deception than others. We are all deceivers to a greater or lesser extent, we are all liars and liars. Another thing is that some people are better at deception than others. Therefore, some lie about little things and sometimes very obviously, while others make up such fairy tales - which many generations of people believe in. So it's all about the ability to deceive, and not about the inclination and predisposition to deceive. And I would be lying if I said that you don’t need to learn the ability to beautifully deceive other people. You need to learn this. As I said above, you must have this weapon so that, thanks to it, you can protect yourself from deception and be able to achieve your goals with it. You are no worse than those who, thanks to deception, have achieved enormous success in life - in politics, business, personal life, creative activity and other areas. Therefore, no matter how you feel about deception, you need it. Our life is so structured that it is not only difficult for a person to live without deception, but even impossible. Someday, I hope people will become wiser and learn to live more honest and just lives, and therefore happier lives. Someday such a time will definitely come.

How to recognize a lie?

The methods proposed by psychologists do not provide a 100% guarantee, but it is still quite possible to rely on their 4 methods. Lies are revealed:

1. According to the answer. Before giving it, the person remains silent for a while or repeats the question in whole or in part.
2. By lack of response. The deceiver turns the conversation to another topic: jokes, tells an anecdote.
3. By behavior. You see the nervous reaction of the interlocutor. He suddenly changes the pace of his speech, scratches himself, coughs.
4. By gestures. A liar is given away by specific gestures: he scratches the back of his head, touches his face, tries to move away from the interlocutor, shifts from foot to foot.

In conclusion, about how you can wean yourself from lying.

Think about why he lied

If this is not a mental disorder, then there must be a more or less objective reason for lying. Think about why he did this: he was afraid of your reaction, ashamed of his action, accustomed to deceiving in previous relationships.

Any of these arguments do not justify the guy. But if you show empathy, it will be a little easier to cope with your emotions. If you want to really solve a problem, and not just throw out anger, analyze the situation before starting a conversation.

How to stop lying?

Experts suggest taking the following steps:

1. Be sincere and not too strict with your partner so that he does not feel afraid and can tell the truth. A friendly attitude helps remove lies from relationships.
2. Frankly tell your loved one that his lies disappoint you and prevent you from being happy. And remind her that it can cause a break in the relationship.
3. When talking doesn’t help, you should teach your counterpart a lesson and practice deceitful behavior yourself for some time. Intrigue, don’t negotiate, deliberately confuse the cards. This way you will demonstrate to your man or woman what pain, fear and resentment lies bring.

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Speak calmly

If you are convinced that your partner is deceiving you, talk to him about it. Just don’t give in to the impulse to immediately throw a scandal at the guy. Be calm and composed, explain what happened and ask him to comment on it. Try not to interrupt your partner until he finishes talking.

Self-control is not necessary for a guy to feel comfortable communicating with you. If you speak emotionally, he may turn the situation against you. Get offended by your insults, start saying that you need to calm down, resort to gaslighting. With your reaction, you will give the guy a lot of reasons to avoid a constructive discussion of his action.