Not long ago, on the reddit portal, one of the users under the nickname Labrise created a thread in which he asked: “By what signs do you know who you can trust and who you can’t?” As a result, his post went viral and received many responses, many of which became truly useful for identifying unreliable people.
It is worth noting that the topic of trust in modern society is truly relevant, because social connections between people are very unstable. Nevertheless, each of us wants to surround ourselves with loyal people who are ready to help at any moment and keep the most shocking secret secret.
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That is why we have compiled a small guide in which we have given the most striking advice from network users, and also shared our own recommendations, proven by many years of experience.
So here we go.
How to understand that a person cannot be trusted: life hacks from users
To understand whether a person should be trusted, we collected the top comments from that very thread. Each of them can be easily printed on a landscape sheet and hung on the wall.
“If he constantly reminds you how much you can trust him, you probably shouldn’t trust him,” said one portal user.
This recommendation sounds quite logical and, in principle, is on the surface, but not everyone is able to think of it.
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“If people say you shouldn't trust them, you really shouldn't trust them,” another said.
This is also a very fair remark, which is also a reference to one of the initial episodes of Game of Thrones with the participation of Eddard Stark and Littlefinger.
If a person says that he cannot be trusted, most likely he is simply freeing himself from possible reflection after undermining your trust. By warning you, his conscience will be clear, and nothing will stop him from deceiving you.
One commentator said that a person cannot be trusted if he says too often: “This will remain between us.” Subsequently, many users agreed with him and told their stories in which this phrase appeared.
"Oh yeah. I worked with a girl who said that all the time. She told me her secrets, and I didn’t share them with anyone because I’m not an asshole and I thought we were friends. But then the gossips from our office began to retell these secrets. I don't know what her plan was, but she was upset that I was supposedly telling them her secrets. But I didn't tell anyone anything. I think she just wanted to seem interesting and forgot who else she told her “secrets,” a guy under the nickname Fueled by Chelsea shared his story.
Many users also agreed that you should never trust people who constantly say nasty things about others. After all, in the same way they can start commenting on you in the company of their friends.
An interesting observation was shared by a user under the nickname Vobupew. He said that one cannot trust those people who, in each of their stories, appear as victims or heroes. Thus, they always rush from one extreme to another, having lost the ability to rationally evaluate their behavior and current events.
According to some users of the platform, it is better not to trust people who always have answers to all questions.
“They never say, “I don’t know,” or they always have an answer to any question. Most likely, a lot of what they say is lies or fiction,” said a user under the nickname Chocolate Jellyfish.
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If a reliable person does not know something, he will admit it and will not try to answer the question put to him at any cost, just so as not to lose his authority as a know-it-all.
"That's for sure! I have similar friends, and communicating with them is so exhausting. Whoever is reading this: be clear about what you know for sure and what you are not sure about. This gives more weight to your words. I don’t trust a single fact from the mouth of someone who is always sure of everything,” another user added.
If you can spot lies, reddit users also urge you not to trust those who lie constantly.
“They lie about every little thing, about completely meaningless things. They just become comfortable living a lie,” wrote a guy with the nickname Yo Dawg.
However, there was a user who did not entirely agree with the position of the commentators. In his opinion, sometimes you can lie because it is much easier.
“I understand what you mean, but there are nuances here. Sometimes I lie about small things to maintain my image. Sometimes it's easier to lie about what I did over the weekend rather than explain that I was at a rubber duck race because I have that fetish,” he said.
Gambling
The spouse is a gambling person and often bets on sports. At the same time, he is rarely lucky, and he has large debts. Following each loss, he vows to improve. In this case, a person can only be trusted when he undergoes addiction rehabilitation of his own free will.
Experts emphasize that each situation requires an individual approach to make a decision about trust or distrust.
What kind of people can you trust: 5 key qualities
Based on the comments above, you can already form a fairly complete picture of a person who cannot be trusted. However, we also need to understand what qualities a person has who is trustworthy. Remember them and take a closer look at your surroundings.
Who is prone to lying?
Among people who are prone to deception, psychologists distinguish three types:
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- Someone who wants to appear smarter than everyone else.
- One who deceives for selfish reasons. Most of them are scammers.
- Someone who is a pathological liar from birth, reaching great heights in deception, sometimes even believes in his own fables.
Next - about how to figure out that you are being deceived.
Interlocutor analysis
Take a closer look at who you communicate with. Before you open up, you need to understand what your interlocutor is like. This is especially true when you communicate with members of the opposite sex. Naturally, everyone needs great and sincere love. However, it is necessary to understand that ideal people do not exist. In life you can encounter any person who has not only positive, but also negative sides.
How to trust a person? When communicating, you need to be guided not only by your own feelings. Take a closer look at the character and actions of your interlocutor, study his manner of behavior. There should be no unjustified hopes. Try not to expect from a person what he is not able to give.
Such a position should be a priority not only in relationships, but also in business activities. Naturally, you need to trust people. But first you should collect information about them.
Why is this necessary?
Every person needs love and sincere and real care. We all need attention. And not ostentatious, but real, and preferably permanent. What to do in such a situation? There is a way out of this situation - we must learn to trust.
Naturally, no one talks about childish naivety. Thoughtlessly opening up to everyone you meet is not recommended. This should be approached responsibly, “like an adult.” It is necessary to consider some advice from psychologists that will help you understand how to trust a person.
Distrust is the absence of risky actions.
For example, hiding some information about ourselves, distrusting others help us in most matters. As a result, mistrust leads to an independent solution to a difficult issue for us (since we do not risk trusting another for the sake of receiving support/help). We do not trust because we are afraid of encountering an undesirable reaction - use, lack of help, understanding, support, interest in us.
Example: As one of the participants in my therapeutic group said, she does not want to burden good people - other group members with important and dramatic stories for her, because if they do not save and help her in response to her story, then she will be disappointed and angry on them, and then it will be difficult for everyone.
Fear of being deceived again
It also happens that a person develops a pathological distrust of others. Of course, this is influenced by events of the past, negative experiences in love relationships, betrayal of a friend. But what next? All the sad events have already happened, but what still prevents a person from continuing to live fully, love, and build relationships? This is fear. A person is simply afraid to relive the same negative experience. Therefore, in order to start trusting people, you need to find the reason for your distrust, and then move on to the investigation.
Trust risk can have varying degrees.
It can be useful to be aware of what you are actually risking, since unconsciously, in their fantasies, people often experience their risk as either greater or less than it actually is for them.
For example: My friend has been dreaming of seeing New York for many years. However, I was afraid to go apply for a visa (mistrust - what if they refuse?). When we began to find out what he was actually risking, it turned out that only 5 thousand rubles!!! When he realized that he was not going towards his dream because of the risk of losing 5 thousand rubles, he ran like a bullet to the consulate.
I trust you and share another, my story:
One day recently I discovered that I was walking down the street with my skirt half-lifted up (it accidentally rode up from the wind). This is an awkward situation for me, but I am quite resilient in it. I feel rather embarrassed—funny—than unbearably ashamed to tell you about this. I approve of my body and that piece of it that was involuntarily visible, and the fact that I unwittingly find myself periodically in ridiculous situations. I know that someone will sympathize with me, will remember themselves in such incidental situations, someone will be embarrassed, and someone will laugh at me.
Only by taking the risk of trusting something new can we change our lives for the better.
By repeating old patterns of behavior, we get the same result. The movie “Always Say Yes” is about just that. By deciding to trust a new experience, we really change our lives. By repeating old experiences, we remain in place.
Example: Scientists conducted an experiment with a shark that was placed in an aquarium. Once in the aquarium, the shark studied its size from the inside, and then swam lengthwise and crosswise, without touching the glass walls. After some time, a glass partition was placed in the aquarium, dividing the aquarium into two halves, in one of which our shark remained. The shark hit this partition, trying, out of habit, to swim throughout the entire space of the aquarium; Time passed, and the scientists removed the partition. However! The shark continued to swim in the narrowed space of “its” half, and no longer made attempts to swim into the previously fenced, and now FREE half of the aquarium.
In people, we, psychologists, call this behavior a pattern of behavior. Having received the experience of rejection, criticism, deception, a person stops taking the risk of trusting and “probing” each new person for safety - criticism, rejection and other things from him, checking whether this very partition is there? And decide EVERY TIME AGAIN: if there is, do not trust, because it is dangerous and unreasonable, and if suddenly not, then DO NOT deprive yourself of new valuable experience, help, friendship and sincere communication.
Trust is a change in distance.
When a person trusts something to another, he, thus, CHANGES THE DISTANCE - namely, APPROACHING. In fact, trust is the only way to get closer at the initial stage. What a plus!
If you want to get close to people, trust, and if you don’t trust, reap the fruits of incomprehensibility and loneliness. Or, do not trust and be dependent on people who are more courageous in their trust, who will be the first to trust you, and on whose initiative your relationship will depend in the future.
Example: one of the participants in my therapeutic group at the second group meeting mentioned that she believes and feels that her relationships with other group members depend on THEM (an attempt to transfer power). After this statement, the other participants simply did not contact this participant for an hour (they refused to take full responsibility for the relationship with her). They preferred to communicate with those who took the power to approach by trusting themselves.
There shouldn't be any shortcuts
You shouldn't label people. We are all different, we may be in a bad mood, and sometimes not the most pleasant events happen in life. As has already been said, no people are perfect. Therefore, you should not think that everyone around you wants to take advantage of you.
Why don't people trust? Perhaps they see only competitors and enemies around them, and in every smile they manage to find ridicule of themselves. This position must be abandoned. Try to get rid of prejudices, stop labeling everyone you meet. Give people opportunities to be their best selves.
