As most experts note, a long separation can, on the one hand, revive faded emotions, awaken passion, and on the other, lead to mutual alienation of partners, betrayal and final breakup. “Long-distance relationships are like spices: it’s all a matter of dosage. If there are not enough spices, they decorate the dish, but if you overdo it, then we stop feeling the taste,” notes psychologist Yana Leikina .
Let us examine in more detail those situations in which partners have to live separately.
Guest marriage
According to some experts, this form of relationship is ideal for modern couples. It is believed that if spouses live separately, it means they can afford romantic dates without arguing about who will wash the dishes or go buy bread.
“In a real guest marriage, everyone is aware of their role and the boundaries of the relationship. Therefore, if both partners are psychologically ready for such a relationship, then this model helps maintain the intensity of the relationship,” says psychologist, specialist in the field of overcoming crises in relationships and author of the INTEMO project Marina Muravyova .
However, as Yana Leikina adds, even in a guest marriage, spouses should spend more than 50% of the time together and still maintain a common life, otherwise they will be just lovers. “Family is not only holidays and meetings for sex, but also a feeling of support, ground under your feet. And if the couple does not have a common life, the woman will still feel unstable,” the specialist notes.
What are the chances of maintaining love at a distance?
Let's say you need to make a difficult decision: on one side of the scale is an offer of a profitable job that involves long business trips; on the other - relationships with a loved one. What to choose? Can love conquer kilometers? Is the risk justified or is it better to refuse the offer?
To assess the chances of love winning, ask yourself and discuss the following questions with your partner:
- Have you gotten to know each other well enough during your relationship? Are you really “soulmates” or can’t judge this yet because you still look at your partner through rose-colored glasses of love? Are you sure that you have common views on life, common interests, common life priorities? If you sincerely answered “Yes” to all these questions, then the likelihood of maintaining the relationship while apart is quite high.
- Have you planned anything together in the future? For example, start living together if you don’t already, or buy a house, or move to another city; Perhaps you were thinking about adding to your family. Did you have common plans or have you not yet reached an agreement regarding your future together? Having common plans and a common opinion regarding a joint future increases the chances of love winning over kilometers.
- How long will the separation be? Uncertainty is always frightening and repulsive, so the duration of separation must be known in advance. If this is several years, then it cannot be said that several months, fearing to immediately frighten and hoping to “pull the rubber” later - forgiving a lie is harder for many than to survive a temporary, albeit long-term, separation. And, naturally, the shorter the period of planned separation, the greater the likelihood of maintaining the relationship.
- How do you and your other half cope with the temporary absence of your partner? According to this criterion, people can be divided into two types: confident and anxious. Confident people do not need constant “proof” of love; they feel comfortable alone and know how to maintain a balance between love and independence (their own and their partner’s). People of the anxious type need regular manifestations of love; when they break up, they begin to get jealous, look for (and find!) non-existent flaws in the relationship and in the partner. If both partners are of the anxious type, then there is practically no chance of maintaining the relationship after a long separation. If at least one partner is a confident type, the likelihood of surviving separation increases significantly.
By analyzing the answers to these questions, you can objectively assess your chances of maintaining the relationship after a long-term separation.
Important
A long separation is less likely to affect a mature relationship, and romantic love will be under great threat.
“Mature relationships” do not mean the mature age of the partners, and not so much the duration of the relationship, but rather its depth: if mutual love has a stable foundation in the form of understanding, trust, common interests and unity of views on life, then separation will only strengthen such relationships.
If a couple, regardless of age, is in the candy-bouquet period, then in a long separation the ship of romance will most likely crash on the reefs of reality: too many temptations surround us here and now, and the beloved has left far and wide. Partners quickly lose value in each other’s eyes, if only because they have not yet had time to get to know each other well enough.
Temporary separation as a test of feelings
This relationship option is usually chosen by couples in a state of crisis, when conflicts and problems become insoluble, but they are not resolved to break up. Experts agree that in most cases this type of separation is beneficial for the partners.
“Living apart helps separate true feelings from emotions associated with negative experiences in family life. To choose what is best for you, you must have something to compare with,” says Marina Muravyova.
The psychologist notes that this method is effective in cases of betrayal, protracted conflicts and emotional cooling of partners. However, such a decision must be balanced, and therefore you should not manipulate the separation and run to pack your things at every minor quarrel.
According to Marina Muravyova, in order for passions to subside and you to be able to rationally evaluate the relationship, you should separate for 3-6 months. “If after six months you understand that you are comfortable without this person, then there is no point in returning,” says the expert.
Yana Leikina adds that in this case it is very important that partners do not withdraw into themselves, but continue to communicate with each other. “It is during such a period that the couple has time for productive dialogue. If they used to quarrel or not talk, now they can express accumulated complaints, grievances, or seek help from a psychologist,” she explains.
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How to prepare yourself for a long breakup?
It’s stupid to think that after your partner leaves, life will remain the same as it was, only your other half will not be in it. “It’s just that now I’ll be bored and spend more time alone or with friends” - it won’t be “easy”, it will be much more difficult. What should you prepare yourself for right away?
Anger and jealousy
Yes exactly. Despite boundless trust and mutual agreement for a long forced separation, in the vast majority of cases, during a long separation, partners begin to get angry and jealous of each other. And it’s no coincidence that these two emotions go side by side when parting: I’m angry because I don’t know how you spend your time without me, so I’m jealous; or vice versa: I’m jealous because I don’t know how you spend your time without me, so I’m angry. Both anger and jealousy lead to quarrels, and quarrels lead to breakdowns in relationships.
Important
Don't let obsessive thoughts and negative emotions take over your mind!
Displace attacks of anger and jealousy from your head with pleasant memories of a joint vacation, of happy days spent together; remember why you love this particular person, how wonderful he is and how good you feel next to him.
Painful loneliness
Even if you are relatively comfortable with loneliness and are able to entertain yourself by meeting with friends or engaging in a favorite hobby, you are still unlikely to be able to escape the painful feeling of spiritual emptiness, as if you have been abandoned. The most “dangerous” days: Birthdays and New Years are holidays that everyone spends with loved ones. You are also used to this, but when the other half is far away, what awaits you is not a cheerful feast, but melancholy and apathy. Among the gathered friends, the feeling of acute loneliness will only worsen, because they are all in pairs, and you...
Important
If you are not mentally ready to relax in a company where everyone is in pairs, agree with your partner to celebrate holidays with each other via video conference - physically you will be alone, but emotionally you will be together.
Feelings of loneliness can come over you not only on holidays, but also on any other day. To make it easier to cope with your feelings, prepare in advance a list of things you will do and/or a list of films you will watch in moments of sadness. It is very important to write such a list in advance, because in apathy you will no longer want to plan things and entertainment.
"Cool" meeting
Psychologists assure that in real life, after a long-term separation, you should not expect strong emotions in the first minutes of a meeting, since people need some time to recognize their partner as “their own.” This is due to our individual pheromones, the elusive smell of which a person forgets within just a month.
Important
According to psychologists, violent outbursts of passion during the first meeting after a long separation are an invention of the screenwriters for a beautiful picture in a film.
Remember how a dog greets you after a long break: at first the dog sniffs you warily and only then, “remembering” its native smell, jumps with its paws on its chest and wags its tail uncontrollably. It’s the same with people, only people’s “smell” is much worse, so it takes a little more time to “recognize” it.
Forced separation
Sometimes external circumstances interfere in the relationship between spouses, for example, a lucrative job offer, but in another city. And then some of them have to live away from their family for a long time.
According to psychologists, such relationships can be maintained without damage to the couple for no longer than a year. Then the partners will almost certainly take on lovers, a new circle of friends, and their union will be effectively destroyed. “The fact that a long-distance marriage can be maintained by sex over the phone, SMS or Skype is a big illusion,” notes Marina Muravyova.
And yet, in order to stay afloat for at least a year, Yana Leikina recommends constantly maintaining an emotional and sexual connection with your loved one. “You need to look for every opportunity to be together - regularly visit each other, arrange surprises, write love letters,” explains the expert.
Love at a distance. Does separation strengthen relationships?
For example, Tim Burton and his faithful life partner Helen Bonham Carter, living in different houses for a long time, claimed that they missed each other, and this strengthened their relationship. However, the couple eventually broke up. So long distance relationships are not so clear cut. What to do if the circumstances of life throw up their unexpected surprises and force even the most loving, most attached couples to undergo the test of separation.
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When is separation destructive?
The bright feeling of flying butterflies in the stomach, especially in hot youth, becomes simply synonymous with complete affection and dependence on each other. Surely in the life of each of us there was something similar, when parting for just a night was like death. And if there was a trip for the whole summer to visit relatives in Saratov, or to the wilderness, to a village, we were ready to walk behind the train, run after the bus, just to be nearby...
For those who are used to spending every day together, waking up, having breakfast, dinner, meeting friends and walking the dog together, a long separation can be a real tragedy. Some people are simply unable to sleep normally alone, others cannot solve daily problems without the support of a loved one...
Well, when a temporary separation turns into a long and painful relationship over the phone, it is difficult to keep the widening gap from growing. Circumstances do not allow meeting, phone calls become less frequent, and the relationship naturally fades away... At first, you cannot find a place for yourself from melancholy. Despondency and depression overcome from all sides. Then, in order to somehow get yourself out of this state, you start looking for a way out, trying to have fun. Over time you gradually get used to it. Well, then you don’t care anymore and you’re looking for a replacement, someone to fill your heart with. This is why lovers are so afraid of separation. And yet, separation has its positive aspects. "Which?" – you will be surprised.
Pros of separation
There is a connection
Today, those days of terrible Siberian exile are gone, when political strife cruelly separated loving hearts, and they did not even know anything about each other. We just hoped and waited. Today, it seems that all technological progress has become in favor of separation. The Internet does an excellent job with the mission entrusted to it - to warm up and maintain love at a distance. And you can order flowers for your loved one even every day, while in another city or even country.
There is a deadline
If separation has a time frame (week, month, year), and not deadlines hanging in the air that are pushed back each time, then lovers can while away the entire period of separation by counting the days until they meet. What could be more beautiful than anticipation, especially when you really miss it. “Darling, there are ten days left until the meeting” - perhaps the most desired words.
There is time
How many unnecessary words are thrown out in a fit of emotion during a quarrel. How often do we not appreciate the people who are close to us. And how quickly all the bad things are forgotten when we are separated from them. Only in separation there is time for the bad to be forgotten. Time to think and understand how dear this person is to you.
The joy of meeting
When can you fall in love with your long-loved soulmate? Each new meeting after separation is like reliving the first date. And what can we say about sex!
Have time for yourself
Being alone due to separation has a big advantage - it’s a lot of free time that you can completely devote to yourself. Instead of suffering on free evenings and bitterly shedding tears of melancholy on the shoulder of your friends in the next bar, it is better to do more useful things. For example, read books, watch films, learn something new, visit a cosmetologist, sign up for a swimming pool or go to yoga classes, in a word, improve yourself, do what you have long dreamed of, but did not have enough time. It will be useful to you, and your loved one will appreciate it.
There's time to rest
For people living together for many years, separation is sometimes the only salvation for a relationship. At least once a year, break traditions and go on vacation with a friend, not with your husband. Get some air, feel attractive, gossip to your heart's content, perhaps even start a holiday romance (without the burdensome consequences of light flirting), unrequitedly turning the head of some foreigner. And turning off your brain and looking around, who knows, maybe you will again see or find what you have long lost in your loved one. And having missed your loved one, you will return home with a completely different mood and knowledge.
Big things are seen from a distance
For example, you previously had no idea how romantic he could be, but now every day you receive a bouquet of flowers with a note from him, although he is a thousand kilometers away from you. You thought he was not decisive enough, but now you watch how stubbornly he goes towards his goal, wants to quickly earn more money and take you with him to another city. Of course, some people can open up on the other side. But that’s why separation is needed, to show everything that was previously unknown, but so important, as a litmus test, and to test the strength of intentions and feelings at a distance.
Statistics on the benefits of separation
Of course, separation is not a universal antibiotic in treating relationships, but it is often the only true one.
By the way, according to statistics, today almost every tenth American couple prefers to sleep in separate rooms. However, what about the Americans? The famous singer Leonid Agutin has repeatedly admitted in numerous interviews that he and his wife Anzhelika Varum sleep in different rooms. They say they have excellent temperature conditions: Leonid loves the cold, and Angelica prefers the warmth. “For example, I can hardly withstand the temperature regime in Lenin. I sleep in a warm bedroom, and Lenya opens the window even in winter, he likes the cold,” Varum once said. “I go on dates with my wife at night - you see what an interesting life we have,” Agutin echoed his wife.
However, another star couple, the eccentric Helena Bonham Carter and her husband, the famous director Tim Burton went even further! Throughout their 13 years of marriage, they lived in neighboring houses precisely to strengthen their relationship. “They call us a crazy couple who have underground tunnels dug between their houses, they say that our children live with another family at the end of the street. We only have two adjoining houses connected by one door, since mine was too small for a whole family. We spend as much time together as any normal couple, and the fact that we have personal space only improves our relationship,” Helena once admitted in an interview. And she added: “We see each other when we want, and not because we have to... If someone wants to watch football, he does it without disturbing me. And I’m watching my girly TV, as Tim calls it.” It sounded quite reasonable. Their marriage was considered one of the strongest in Hollywood. But, alas, this did not save their union. In December 2014, it became known that the couple had separated at the beginning of the year. But for the sake of the children, they remained friends.
It is a pity that statistics do not measure their level of happiness. But everyone has their own recipe for a happy family life.
In A. Kuprin’s story “Olesya” there are lines that are suitable for the theme, with which I want to sum up a logical conclusion - “Separation is for love what the wind is for fire: it extinguishes small love, and fans the big one even stronger.”
Romance by correspondence
Sometimes people find their soulmate in another city or even country, and then their relationship gets stuck at the stage of communication on social networks. As Yana Leikina notes, in this case, partners should definitely organize a meeting offline approximately 2-3 months after the start of the romance.
“In a relationship, it is important that people eat together, sleep, talk, but from a distance it is difficult to feel this, because we all try to embellish our image,” notes the psychologist. According to the expert, if such a couple does not have a desire to live together within a year, then it is hardly worth continuing the relationship.
“If both partners are free, then maintaining a full-fledged relationship by correspondence is simply impossible,” explains Yana Leikina. If a woman stubbornly continues to cling to an online boyfriend, then, most likely, she is simply not ready for intimacy. “In this case, she likes to maintain the illusion of a relationship, receive the energy of falling in love, but she herself remains the princess in the tower,” notes the psychologist.
Separation is a serious test for relationships
And, despite the fact that each couple is individual, further events develop based on two scenarios. They either stay together, enduring all the trials, or they break up and each begin to live their own lives.
It happens that a man and a woman seem to live well together. And then one of them is sent on a long business trip and the relationship gradually collapses. People begin to call back less often, do not strive to meet, gradually cease to be part of each other’s lives and become strangers. Friends and relatives are surprised because they do not understand at all the reasons for what is happening. But, as psychologists say, there is no smoke without fire. And separation in this case becomes a catalyst that, according to an accelerated program, brings hidden problems to the surface. which already existed. Perhaps there was no longer love in this relationship, but only habit or comfortable coexistence remained.
And, on the contrary, there are cases where people, tired of everyday issues and having lost the romance in a relationship, think that the end is coming immediately, and then life turns in such a way that they are forced to separate for a while. And here their love seems to get a second wind, they understand that behind all this daily routine was hiding that wonderful feeling that once became what could unite them together. And I remember tender words, and I want to miss them immensely and wait for my loved ones.
1
Can separation strengthen a relationship?
It turns out that the reason for the end of a relationship lies not so much in the separation itself, but in the feelings that people either have or don’t. But agreements are no less important, without which it is difficult to imagine relations.
Of course, maintaining faith in a person, even if he has been away for a long time, is not so easy. Unpleasant suspicions can creep into the head every now and then, especially for people with a rich imagination. But some are able to keep their doubts inside themselves, not allowing them to come out when talking with a loved one, while for some, jealousy clouds their eyes so much that they simply cannot talk about anything other than their own suspicions. “Who did you spend this evening with?”, “why didn’t you answer my call right away?” “What voices are heard in the distance?”, “Are you probably cheating on me?” - constantly sounds in the telephone receiver. Not everyone is ready to cope with such a stream of accusations, especially if they are completely undeserved. As a result, everything can result in a serious quarrel, from which separation is not far away. And, perhaps, then someone will say that separation is to blame for everything. Although, again, in this case, the reason is not so much her, but the inability to trust a loved one. In an evil way, we should not needlessly offend those who are dear to us, so that with our own hands, or rather words, we do not destroy what we have.
If there is love and trust, then it is of course difficult to wait for your loved one, but it is possible, especially if we are talking about a short period of time or there is an opportunity to meet periodically. But what to do if two people face a long separation that does not involve frequent communication and meetings? Not everyone is able to live for so long without attention and support. In such a situation, it is best to talk openly about your fears, and also try to find ways to solve the problem. If it is not possible to either stay or leave together, you will have to decide in what format this relationship will exist in the future, and whether it will exist at all, because over the years you can become completely different people.
