Hello my smiling ones! Can you always name what you feel? Did you guess that it depends on how developed your emotional intelligence (EI) is?
Its first level or layer (basic) is responsible for the release of adrenaline, rage, and fear. These reactions are necessary for the survival and self-preservation of the body. When a child cries and screams, this is how basic EI manifests itself.
As we grow older, the next layer forms: we begin to treat emotions consciously. There comes an understanding that this is an important part of our lives. The highest level is the ability to both recognize emotions and manage them.
And so that you can improve these abilities, I am opening a new section for you.
Dictionary of feelings and emotions
For each letter, I will select two words for you and tell you more about them. Why two? One with a positive feeling, the second with an unpleasant one. In my opinion, there are no negative ones - after all, everything is necessary for a reason. But since it’s usually clearer this way, let’s stick to this option for now.
Although feelings are a subjective category, and each person will have their own nuances in their sensation, I still propose to compile a dictionary of the meanings of feelings and emotions that denote the states and experiences that are best known.
For what? In my more than 20 years of practice, I have noticed that it is often difficult for people to name what they feel. And this vagueness in understanding one’s condition interferes with awareness and movement forward.
When we deal with emotions and feelings, a new vision of the situation appears and ways to solve it open up. And this is one of the components of emotional intelligence: understanding emotions.
How to write letters of feelings: the most complete instructions
For one being to love another: perhaps this is the most difficult of our tasks, the ultimate, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. Rainer Maria Rilke
The practice of “feeling writing” (other names include “forgiveness letter”, “love letter”, “healing letter”, “letter of liberation”) is based on the work of Barbara DeAngelis and John Gray. They are based on the so-called “emotion map”, according to which our emotions are like an iceberg. At the top of them, as a rule, there is anger (or, as its variant, resentment) - and under the anger there are layers of sadness and pain, fear, needs and wants, dreams and desires, and finally - love .
And by expressing our emotions on ALL these levels, we can get to the Complete Truth, to the love that underlies everything. And this is necessary to cure any pain, not only in feelings, but also in the body. In this article you will find the most detailed instructions on writing such letters, and you can turn on this video and write a letter directly under it!
Being honest with yourself about your feelings—especially the unpleasant ones—is the beginning of healing and is almost always the most important part of the process!
When my anger, sadness or pain leads me to conflict, quarrel, confrontation in relationships with other people, this only exposes the emotional tension under which deep feelings and fears are hidden. And if I open (at least for myself first) and express (at least in some way) these feelings and fears, if I admit my vulnerability, I am thus opening myself up to love. By fully and completely expressing my feelings (anger, sadness, fear, desire), I also open the flow of love (which unspoken feelings do not let through!).
The technique of writing feelings is very simple: we go step by step through all the stages of the emotional iceberg, discovering (and being open to) what lies at its core.
And although this does not sound very easy, but believe me, this is the fastest technique for solving problems that could otherwise plague us for years. Agree, even an hour to write is much, MUCH less than hours, days, weeks, months or even whole years of worry!
Anger is love turned inside out. Barbara De Angelis
How to write a letter of feelings?
The addressee of your letter of feelings can be anyone: husband, mother, son, father, boss, and even a part of the body or illness!
Here is the basic structure of writing feelings. Typically, instructions make do with a short list of initial phrases of four to six points. Especially for this article, I expanded the unique template: up to ten emotions in each section! After each line, you can add as many continuations as you like - adding any conjunctions, for example, “what”, “when”, “because”, “because of” and so on!
Dear (dear)…
Part 1. Anger
I get so angry when... It makes me so angry... I hate... I hate... It infuriates me... I am indignant... I am annoyed... I am annoyed... I am disgusted... I despise... I am indignant...
Part 2. Sadness, sadness, pain
I feel alienated... It hurts me... It hurts me when... I feel sad... I feel sad... I feel sad... I feel frustrated... I feel despair... I feel frustrated... I feel sad... I feel desperate... I feel frustrated... I feel hopeless...
Part 3. Fear
I'm afraid... I'm scared... I feel confused... I'm worried... I'm afraid... I'm worried... I'm worried... I'm sad... I feel confused... I'm scared... I feel confused...
Part 4. responsibility, repentance, apology
I'm sorry that... I'm embarrassed... I'm embarrassed... I'm ashamed... I never wanted to... I'm embarrassed... I never wanted to... Please forgive me... I'm embarrassed... I'm ashamed... I feel guilty for... I'm embarrassed... I'm sorry … I am sorry…
Part 5. Desires, needs, love
I wish... I'm so glad that you... I wish that you... I love it when you... What I really want is... I really really wish that... I'm so grateful to you for... I need... I love the way you... What I really want is... It would be great if...
With love, (Signature)
Fear is always a question, what am I afraid of and why? Just as in illness there is always a seed of health, because illness carries information about health, so our fears are a treasury of self-knowledge if we examine them. Marilyn Ferguson
Important clarifications, additions, tips
- Give attention and time to all your senses. It is important not to get stuck on one section at the expense of others, but to devote approximately equal time to all parts. We all have habitual feelings that are easier to express, and there are unusual ones that are difficult to admit even to ourselves and even in writing. For example, it is easier for many women to express pain and sadness, and for men - anger, but these feelings become just a habitual way, under which both fears and desires (safety, recognition, warmth, love) lurk. It is important to express ALL your feelings and understand from what deep feelings and experiences they grow.
- There are no bad or good emotions, everything is just emotions. And our challenge is to learn to express our anger and pain in a way that is respectful both of others and of our deepest needs for love and acceptance. And “taking out” our anger and sadness on others is an attempt to manipulate them in order to achieve the actions we need. And it doesn't lead to win-win situations where we can both take care of ourselves and give others the opportunity to respect their own needs and desires.
- Don't edit your words and feelings!
This is the very moment when you can and even need to say everything as it is! Even if you have been hiding and hiding for years, now is the time when you can express absolutely everything that is hidden in your soul. And the more fully you do this, the easier it will become for her! In addition, at this stage you are just expressing your own, purely internal anger, which should not be “dumped out” on your addressee in exactly this form. But it is important for you to throw it out - and break through it - in order to reach deeper layers. It may turn out that this anger has nothing to do with your husband, father, boss or child! - You can go back and add more. If unsaid feelings from the previous part emerge, you can simply return to it and add them. But if one part of the letter of feelings turns out to be noticeably larger than the others, try to add at least a little to the rest to pay tribute to all the feelings.
- Naming the fear is more than half of its healing. It is very, VERY important to talk about your fears and concerns. Without knowledge of fears, the anger or sadness that stems from them will be incorrectly expressed (or not expressed). Fears are normal, they are natural and they are real. Our task is not to eliminate fear, but to recognize it and listen to it! Fear is our ally when it warns us of threats to our physical, emotional or spiritual survival. At the same time, fear is often no longer rational, not associated with any real threat. In this case, it is important to learn to curb your fear, not allowing it to be the cause of our painful or inappropriate actions.
- There are always two sides to any situation.
To achieve complete liberation, it is important to take responsibility for your part of the situation. Many of us tend to place the problem outside ourselves. “They did this,” “they treated me this way,” and so on. When we really look honestly into our hearts, we can usually find our contribution to the situation. Identifying this contribution, accepting your uniqueness and responsibility for your actions (or inactions) is a necessary part of healing. - It is very important to express current desires, needs and dreams. Unfulfilled or unacknowledged desires often bring pain, resentment and anger. And we may not be aware of our deepest needs (usually the need for love, acceptance and recognition) and we may unconsciously project the expectation of meeting these needs onto our spouses, loved ones, business partners or friends. I think it’s clear how important it is to learn to be well aware of your needs and express them clearly and consciously in any relationship, be it at home or at work. Only in this case can we be sure that our emotional reactions are related to our deepest needs. Then we can easily and clearly ask for what we want without adding unrealistic expectations in the relationship. This is part of our journey to awareness. This is the way we create more and more love, fulfillment and peace within and around us!
- It is important to complete the letter.
If you don’t have much time, immediately set a timer; it’s even better to give yourself a certain time for each part. Often, a time limit stimulates our imagination well and forces us to immediately move on to the most important thing, bypassing intermediate trifles and lengthiness. - Thank yourself for the work you've done. This is an incredibly important step towards healing your soul and you have taken it! I'm very happy for you!
Letters of feelings with response
If you have time to continue, that's great! Because it is just as important to read the letter through the eyes of the recipient! When you finish your letter, try reading it out loud. Or even read it into a tape recorder and listen to it. If you imagine that you are reading this letter through the eyes of the addressee, the process will be more complete and its results will be more unexpected.
A very important part of the process is to write yourself an answer. It allows you to take another's point of view more thoroughly than you ever have before in your life. One of the modern studies has frightening data: on average, we are able to think about another person for only 7 seconds ! A response letter of feelings will allow you not only to extend this time at least 100 times, but also to really get used to the image and feelings of another person. In the vast majority of cases, this alone is enough to resolve the situation.
Believe me, this can be done not only with people! One of my clients wrote a letter to the bags under her eyes! I read their response to her (she sent me a photo) - and I cried.
Of course, you can only guess what is going on in your recipient’s head if you are writing to another person. But the results of this process are often surprising.
When I wrote letters of feelings about situations from childhood, and answered myself on behalf of my mother and grandmother, I was struck to the core that in adulthood so many words and actions are seen completely differently!
John Gray in his book “How to Get What You Want and Want What You Get” suggests writing the kind of response letter you would like to receive. Write in it everything that you would like to hear in order to feel that you are understood, loved and cared for. Write the perfect answer, no matter how selfish or unrealistic it seems to you. The main thing here is to feel, accept and express those very deep desires, needs and dreams that underlie anger, pain, sadness or fear. This acceptance leads us to healing!
The response letter can also be written according to a template, in five parts. Here they are:
Part 1. Apology
Please accept my apologies for... I'm sorry for... I'm sorry that... I didn't mean that...
Part 2. Forgiveness
Please forgive me... Will you forgive me for... Please forgive my...
Part 3: Understanding
I come to the conclusion that... Now I understand that... Now, it is clear to me that...
Part 4. Promises
I would like you to... I promise that...
Part 5. Love
I love you... You mean so much to me that... I want to take care of you...
Write until you feel like you have expressed everything you wanted. Then read this letter again - with your own eyes :) You can write the letter and answer again if you feel that there is something unsaid. Once again. And further:)
And at the end it’s good to write a “response letter”.
In it you can express all your impressions of the process, express your joy and gratitude for the love and understanding that you so needed. Connection Writing helps us express and relive what it's like to actually get what we want, to feel supported, supported and loved.
The letter of mutual connection connects us to our very core, to the love, wholeness and value that is within each of us. This fills us with the inner strength to love ourselves and feel worthy of love - even if people and circumstances do not seem to give us everything we want and deserve.
To write relationships, to get in touch with your feelings, to feel fullness, love, care, you can use the following phrases:
I am so grateful to you for... I thank you for I am beginning to understand... I understand now... I thank you I love you...
How to understand that a letter of feelings has been completed
The most beautiful thing is when there is warmth, appreciation, gratitude and love inside towards the person to whom you wrote. If you don’t have this feeling, you may need more letters in other situations. When it comes to parents and other key people for you, the process may not end immediately, but a little later.
Give yourself the opportunity to be with yourself if you want, cry if you want, call and say “I love you”
